Contacting an undd w BPD When she initiated NC Four years ago

[Parents! Get help here!]

My daughter wrote to me four years ago and told me I was not to contact her or her family in any way.

She moved from our home town to a town an hour away from me. I do not know her address or telephone number.

I have not contacted her. I did drive to her town and ring her husband's business and spoke to him after receiving the letter. He advised me not to contact her as she was very "raw".

I have spent the past two years studying this forum and other resources on BPD.

Recently she put a new FB page up and did not make it private. I can see photos she posts on it.

I do not know enough to gauge whether this is a hint that she may wish for some level of  contact with me.

I want to respect her wishes.

Yet I feel that I have learned enough about BPD and her needs to soon consider a relationship. I certainly know more about what not to do now.

I feel she will not initiate contact with me directly for fear of rejection.

I had opened my FB page up so that she could see that I have a full life that has a lot of joy.

My question is... .Do I initiate contact with her?

How do I know if I am ready to cope with her behaviours?

Is it wrong to use the medium of FB to initiate contact? If not, what do I say?

"hello" ? "are you up to saying 'hello'"?

Or is this likely to cause an angry response for visiting her page.

I had an aunt with a similar situation with her daughter. The daughter stayed no contact for 30 years.

Then when her mother became of an age that was elderly, she contacted her to say she was coming to visit. My aunt sat and smoked for 36 hours straight due to her distress. By the time the daughter arrived, my aunt had carbon monoxide poisoning and was hospitalized immediately, then transferred to a care facility where she died a couple of months later.

The daughter got to play 'carer" during this time. I cannot bear the thought of this length of time passing and then an attempt at reconciliation.

My daughter is in a priviledged wealthy marriage and is unlikely to ever "need" me again.

The catalyst for our estrangement was my lack of coping with the death of my son plus the process of learning about the narcissism of my mother and sister. I became severely depressed and my daughter stated that she "wanted a normal mother"...

After 3 years of having a life coach plus self-education re: BPD. I believe I am closer to being "normal". The depression and PTSD is well-managed and I can have a good day every day.

Any input on the desire to contact her and the method to use is appreciated.

[Iamafaerie]

My daughter wrote to me four years ago and told me I was not to contact her or her family in any way.

She moved from our home town to a town an hour away from me. I do not know her address or telephone number.

I have not contacted her. I did drive to her town and ring her husband's business and spoke to him after receiving the letter. He advised me not to contact her as she was very "raw".

I have spent the past two years studying this forum and other resources on BPD.

Recently she put a new FB page up and did not make it private. I can see photos she posts on it.

I do not know enough to gauge whether this is a hint that she may wish for some level of  contact with me.

I want to respect her wishes.

Yet I feel that I have learned enough about BPD and her needs to soon consider a relationship. I certainly know more about what not to do now.

I feel she will not initiate contact with me directly for fear of rejection.

I had opened my FB page up so that she could see that I have a full life that has a lot of joy.

My question is... .Do I initiate contact with her?

How do I know if I am ready to cope with her behaviours?

Is it wrong to use the medium of FB to initiate contact? If not, what do I say?

"hello" ? "are you up to saying 'hello'"?

Or is this likely to cause an angry response for visiting her page.

I had an aunt with a similar situation with her daughter. The daughter stayed no contact for 30 years.

Then when her mother became of an age that was elderly, she contacted her to say she was coming to visit. My aunt sat and smoked for 36 hours straight due to her distress. By the time the daughter arrived, my aunt had carbon monoxide poisoning and was hospitalized immediately, then transferred to a care facility where she died a couple of months later.

The daughter got to play 'carer" during this time. I cannot bear the thought of this length of time passing and then an attempt at reconciliation.

My daughter is in a priviledged wealthy marriage and is unlikely to ever "need" me again.

The catalyst for our estrangement was my lack of coping with the death of my son plus the process of learning about the narcissism of my mother and sister. I became severely depressed and my daughter stated that she "wanted a normal mother"...

After 3 years of having a life coach plus self-education re: BPD. I believe I am closer to being "normal". The depression and PTSD is well-managed and I can have a good day every day.

Any input on the desire to contact her and the method to use is appreciated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Iamafaerie]

PS my daughter is 42 years old and has very good functioning.

[caulene]

Hi Iamafaerie

Tough spot you are in - trying to decide to contact or not.  It hurts horribly when you are told by your own child that they don't want anything to do with you.  I am in the same position myself.  I am always amazed at the profound similarities in behaviour we have all experienced with our BPD children.

If your daughter has photos up, perhaps posting a innocuous comment about a particular photo - "Lovely picture - hope all is well", opens up the door without any expectations. If you do not get any negative remarks back it might be a good way to gauge how she may be feeling. Take it very slowly - you do not want to open yourself up to getting hurt again.

[jellibeans]

You are in a tough situation for sure but if you don't try you will never know. I think as long as you are prepared for rejection and know that is a very real possiblity then I think you should try to contact her in some way. I like the idea of posting on one of her photos but I think I would rather be very straight forward and writ her a letter.

Have you read Overcoming BPD by Valerie Porr? There is a chapter where she talks about an "I'm sorry letter"  it is a good book to read and I have done this with my dd16 and it has meant a lot to her. To acknowledge your short comings and to admit you didn't always repsond the way you should have. I am not saying your daughter hasn't done things she should be sorry for but you can only have control over your actions and I think a heart felt letter can open a lot of doors.

Good luck... .

[Iamafaerie]

Thank you for your replies. I will ponder each point carefully.

[Gidget]

Hi, The Holidays must me a tough time for you right now. I am so sorry for what you are going thru. I can relate. 3 years ago she had her last fit of rage on me because I only could give her 1/2hour to watch my grandson so she could clean. This was a spur of the moment request of me when I dropped by. I had some stuff to do and I couldn't stay long. I won't even mention the vile words accusations that was unleashed on me that sent me to the ER thinking I was having a stroke.

She told me if it weren't for the kids she would cut me from her life. I stood in disbelief hearing her words because of all I had done for her. I calmly asked her if this is what she wanted she said FOR NOW. I left like I always did during her rages. I think I just couldn't watch her when she was so emotionally out of control. I felt fear,saddness,confusion,and hurt.

These past 3years have been the first time in 39years of her life we did not spend holidays together. Thank God she has not striped the kids from me 3 grandchildren 12,9and 4. They are upstairs sleeping as I type. This weekend was the first in 3years that I have had them over all together in 3years. This I think was my punishment although I went to their games and took them out. My oldest granddaughter told me my Mom doesn't answer the phone when you call.

Over the past 3years she has made attempts to speak at games and on the phone. I tried to hold her accountable for the things she has done to me and she punished me again.  This was before I understood the disorder. I realize I should not have done that, she is not capable of telling me all she feels like I expected as an a normal adult. I can see how she feels I rejected those so so small attempts which I wasn't even sure like you if they were attempts.

  I would reach out to her make the attempt I to fear rejection.

Last contact I had, I told her what I believed to me truths, she became infuriated  and told me never to contact her again I gave her space for 2 months  and yesterday the kids ran in my house  and I got a hugh wave and a smile from her I know I can't  expect more right now.

  I WOULD TRY TO CONTACT HER 

Love and  Peace

[Gidget]

PS my daughter is 42 years old and has very good functioning.

My daughter blamed me for her Father not being in her life. The truth was he didn't want her in her life and I never had the courage to tell her I loved her and never wanted to hurt her. I over compensated. I thought she was dealing with stuff although she even as young as 7 wouldn't express her feelings. I thought this is just how she is not really realizing what was brewing on the inside. She is a bright educated and married to a wonderful man. Who would what I call have her periodic fits of rages unprovoked on me and coldnss. No matter what I did or gave it was never enough. She for the first time at the age of 37 at a couselors office admitted her abandonment issues to me and how she blamed me for her Father. I sat for the first time and had to tell her the truth that he did not want a relationship with her. We divorced at the age when she was 2. He was an abusive alcoholic. Who tried to kill me. I never once destroyed her father to her in hopes he got help and came into her life. I think she is finally starting to heal

[Iamafaerie]

Hello Gidget

I did not expect another response. It was so touching to read your post which has so many similarities to my situation.

I had little contact with my grandson and none since she sent me broke contact, four years ago. She has always held him very closely to her side with no sharing of him. This could be because of the loss of her brother, I don't know.

Your post gave me hope. Your last words... .I WOULD CONTACT HER.

I don't know how. What method to use. The only methods I have that I can think of are:

1. putting something up on my Facebook which I have kept public in case she looks at it.

I did write a "sorry" letter and put it up for about an hour before I got afraid and removed it.

There is a chance she would be angry with me for making a public display of a private matter, though I wrote it as abstractly as I possibly could.

2. Sending a letter to her husband's business address.

This does not feel right to me. I dont know if she would feel safer getting a letter filtered through him or not

3. Sending a message through her Facebook account.

If I use this method do I say hello, ask her if she feels like saying hello or write a full 'sorry' letter.

The last time I private messaged her through her Facebook she blocked me. Since then she has put up a new Facebook page a few days after I opened mine to Public so she could view it. This new one of hers is public.

I dont know how to do it or what to say first up. Do you think she may be reaching out in her way.?

[Gidget]

Hello Gidget

I did not expect another response. It was so touching to read your post which has so many similarities to my situation.

I had little contact with my grandson and none since she sent me broke contact, four years ago. She has always held him very closely to her side with no sharing of him. This could be because of the loss of her brother, I don't know.

Your post gave me hope. Your last words... .I WOULD CONTACT HER. I would not post anything public on Facebook I would start small send her a private message on Facebook. I would say Wishing you a Merry Christmas I am thinking of you and Love you very much. Your Mother

I don't know how. What method to use. The only methods I have that I can think of are:

1. putting something up on my Facebook which I have kept public in case she looks at it.

I did write a "sorry" letter and put it up for about an hour before I got afraid and removed it.

There is a chance she would be angry with me for making a public display of a private matter, though I wrote it as abstractly as I possibly could.

2. Sending a letter to her husband's business address.

This does not feel right to me. I dont know if she would feel safer getting a letter filtered through him or not

3. Sending a message through her Facebook account.

If I use this method do I say hello, ask her if she feels like saying hello or write a full 'sorry' letter.

The last time I private messaged her through her Facebook she blocked me. Since then she has put up a new Facebook page a few days after I opened mine to Public so she could view it. This new one of hers is public.

I dont know how to do it or what to say first up. Do you think she may be reaching out in her way.?

[Gidget]

Don't know if my post showed up. I would send her a private message thru Facebook. Not public. I would say I am thinking of you and Love you and will always be there for you if you want to speak. That is what I said to my daughter. Simple but let her know you will always be there

[Iamafaerie]

Thank you. I will do it. How do we know when it is the right  time to give them a 'sorry' letter?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Gidget]

Hang in there I cried for 3years straight I am just starting to feel better about myself since I came on this board

Peace and Sanity to us all who deals with this stuff

[Iamafaerie]

I did it !

[Gidget]

I sent her one last year things did start to get better but after reading and learning her I also realized the mistakes I made in that letter. I am now trying to learn the tools before I attempt to really try and speak to her. I would send the letter when you feel it is right. Just read the tools they have here. I am reading a good book called LOVING SOMEONE WITH BODERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER.  Has given me some good insight

[Iamafaerie]

I ordered that exact book from Fishpond last week. It should arrive in a few days. I tried to post the "sorry" letter,  but it did not come up. I guess at the moment it would be way too heavy for her anyway.

I do need to do more learning and more practise in what works. Strangely, I have had two people come into my life recently who both have BPD and am negotiating communicating with them.

[Gidget]

I ordered that exact book from Fishpond last week. It should arrive in a few days. I tried to post the "sorry" letter,  but it did not come up. I guess at the moment it would be way too heavy for her anyway.

I do need to do more learning and more practise in what works. Strangely, I have had two people come into my life recently who both have BPD and am negotiating communicating with them.

Don't post anything on Facebook to her that is public it would infuriate her probably keep it private

Good Luck

[Gidget]

Hi,

I have been thinking of you since you said you sent your daughter a message. I have been praying that it went well and she didn't reject you knowing those feelings all to well.

Let me know how it went

Gidget

[Iamafaerie]

Hi

She has seen my message. It comes up at the bottom of the message, that it was "seen" and the time it was seen.

I messaged again yesterday. "How are you, are you happy? That is the most important thing to me".

That message was "seen" an hour later.

She has not closed off her Facebook, so that is a positive. I will not message her again for now.

I went to put part of my 'sorry' letter as a message but my husband convinced me that she would find 3 messages overwhelming and she would feel pressured.

I have told myself today that I can just keep living my life now and let it be. Not dwell on it.

I will show my continuation of my life on my Facebook in case she checks it. It may help her to feel less pressured.

[crumblingdad]

I think it's great you sent the message and also agree with your husband that 3 might be overwhelming and could be seen by her as too much.

Your idea of letting go a bit, letting things take their course and working on helping yourself get healthy and understand it all is a tremendous idea.  There's nothing more you can do other then see how she responds and my guess is she will but it might take some time.

[Iamafaerie]

Thank you crumblingdad. I read some posts of yours this morning as part of my learning and was very touched by your writing.

Yesterday I copied and pasted the Tools in the square on the right and printed them out to keep in the bathroom. We find this is an excellent way to learn. I hope that's OK with forum rules.

[Gidget]

Hi,

I am glad that she did not block you it does sound promising. We tend to put everything we do under a microscope because we just can't understand their actions. We look for constant validation ourselves.

I realize after coming here I told my daughter thru email what a counselor said to both me and my husband that my daughter was on a mission to destroy our lives. He had met her once with me. He told us no one destroys families over what she was doing.

He believed something was wrong with her but would have to test her she never went back with me just bashed me gave him a letter and never me a copy. It really hurt I told her I was will to hear all she thinks I did and to write it down. I believe I didn't get a copy because they were lies in that letter a punishment to me for telling her husband things prior to the meeting. That was the first time I ever discussed my daughter to him in the 13years of their marriage.

After reading all the things I told her he said before being on the board she reacted just as they said she would here. She said I was crazy and never to contact her again.

I kept my distance and did not call the house for 2 months the next thing I know the kids call me and tell me that their mother had them call to speak to me she then got on the phone not realizing she was getting on I heard her voice just as I was clicking the phone down. I didn't call her back.  I guess I have reached the accountability phase to her from all her vile assualts and lies.

They brought kids to my house for the weekend and I was actually talked to got a big wave and smile go figure I HATE YOU DON'T LEAVE ME.

Trying to get all the tools down first before trying to really start to speak  to her again.

Realized that counselor was wrong on a couple of things although he did use DBT when speaking to her

Give her a chance to process your email I have learned they need to figure it out on their own with some  space

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Iamafaerie]

Your daughter saw it as "betrayal" when you spoke to her husband about her. My daughter has done the same. I have realised only recently that I must never speak to anyone "about" her, I must only speak to her. If we end up getting to counselling (which I think is one of my boundaries for a relationship with her)

I will need to only discuss the past at the time we are together with the counsellor.

I am also focusing on learning the tools. What works for me is to have reminders up on the walls. I find in the bathroom is a good place and I put printouts on the bedside table for learning a little at night.

I am keeping in my mind the words "baby steps" and that helps me let go of any expectation of a response. If this is all I get for the next year then I will accept that as all she can handle. I need to focus on the fact that she did not react badly or shut down her FB.

My husband told me to imagine her as a tiny delicate baby rabbit. Hard when they are so harsh. Probably easier to imagine her as a Walking Raw Nerve. I am a word person, so words really help me to establish my guidelines and that in turn will help me learn and change how I react.

Off for what brings my day some lovely... .a latte at a cafe and sometimes a yummy.

[Rapt Reader]

Hi, Iamafaerie, and  

First thing, I want to let you know that you can print out all the educational materials on this site that you find, and wallpaper your whole house if you'd like to, if it helps you  I have found that reading and learning the TOOLS and THE LESSONS, and then applying them to my relationships with the BPD people in my life (my adult son, who is 36; my other son's wife; and my M-I-L) has been a life saver!

I'm very sorry for the troubles you have been having with your daughter; they are very reminiscent of problems I've had in the past (very recent past!) with my D-I-L, and I've been able to navigate our relationship with the communication tools and techniques you are starting to learn on this site: Validation, S.E.T., Compassion, Empathy, Radical Acceptance. You will be able to do this, Imafaerie, and we will be here to help you do it... .

jellibeans mentioned Valerie Porr's "Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder" and the "sorry letter" that is in that book. That book is like my BPD Bible, and my copy is dog-eared and quite creased (and, OK, I spilled a bit of my morning breve latte on it one day!), and I've cribbed whole paragraphs right out of its pages in emails to my non-BPD son & D-I-L in order to fix and navigate my relationship with them. And it is working  

Here's what Ms. Porr calls the "Acceptance-Acknowledgement Declaration" that I've written verbatim in an email to them (and this might be the "sorry letter" that jellibeans mentioned, but maybe that is something else):

I never knew how much pain your were in. I never knew how much you suffered. I must have said and done so many things to hurt you because I did not understand or acknowledge your pain. I am so sorry. It was never my intention to cause you pain. What can we do now to improve our relationship?

Of course, the letter had other validations and understanding statements in it, dealing with the (many) grievances that she had with me (and by extension, in an effort to support his wife, my son's grievances also), along with using S.E.T. in order for me to be able to communicate the truth of some of those situations & grievances. It was a delicate process to write this email, but we are past the worst of it, and are in a very good place now. I am sharing this with you so that you do not give up hope. I can tell that you want very much to mend this relationship, and I did with my own son and D-I-L. And you will be able to do this eventually... .you have been learning so much since you've been reading here! Your insights will save this relationship  

[Iamafaerie]

Thank you Rapt Reader.

That is exactly the phrase I found and bookmarked for the future if I ever get a chance to send my sorry letter. I did write one but I realise now it is too complex. Overwhelming. So I keep it for myself. When the time comes, if I do this right, I will have practised baby steps enough to keep it simple enough not to trigger a negative response.

I will read your email again over time and absorb it all better. It is inspiring to hear of successful communications.

I will get myself a copy of that particular book. Fishpond often has used copies or cheap copies.

My husband and I have dealt with the damage caused by being raised by narcissistic mothers. We have learned so much about that. Now the bathroom library will gather the BPD bibles. So much learning which will help us to navigate our whole lives with everyone involved. Good skills to have.

[Gidget]

Hi,

What I deal with now is a fear of reaching out again. Everytime I reached out to her she either gave me a look like I was not sincere or rejected me. I feel like all I did thru out the years is try to prove I love her I slowly replaced it with just doing and doing things for her in hopes she saw it that way. Like never saying no.

I am dealing now with were the choices I made with her growing up and not telling her the truth about her father not being there because I did not want to hurt her and I as a Mother saw what I believe was a fragile child. With all the symptoms now what I believe was BPD yet 37years ago had not one clue I just knew it was something. How in the world do you tell you child that she wasn't wanted by him. It broke my heart that I could give her all she wanted but him.

I watched over the years and tried different times to tell her when she accused me of keeping him from her when I would even start the conversation she would scream how could you hurt me like this. I feared she would harm herself. She stated in 5th grade why doesn't my daddy love me I want to kill myself. I took her to a counselor who then told me she was dealing with the divorce ok. My gut said no my fear held me back from the truth.

At the age of 37 I finally told her the truth with the help of a Mental Health MD who said she needed to know the truth. That she needed to face this and heal and her husband would be the one to help her. I did and she survived and what I saw was somewhat of a turn around.

She would scream this is not about my father but what I realized it wasn't about her father but about what was inside of her because of it. She never opened up not even as a child.

The truth about her father blinded me to the bigger picture although I also believe I couldn't face the pain out of fear of what she said in 5th grade.

I don't believe she could have handled the truth back then she just spoke for the first time of her abandonment issues and stated she thought of suicide in high school why did I not see this.  She was  a A student play sports she ran track. She said she ran,and ran, to for dumb her pain.

Why did she not confine in me why did she not think I cared I would beg her to speak to me why did I not see how deep her pain was.  Her husband states I need to listen to her but how do you listen to someone who never opened up who just would have fits of rage on you.

She blamed me for him because he told her this stuff that he wasn't here for her because of me the 8 times he saw her in her life. I never once destroyed her father to her in all her life. I just now told my daughter at the age of 39 years old how abusive alcoholic he was. I told her, her self worth was not measured by him although it should have been. That she was worthy of love in my eyes and that her father was not capable of love because he to was abandoned by his Mother for 20years of his life.

Oh boy I had made a choice never to tell my daughter from the time I gave birth he didn't want her born or he stated give her up. THIS WAS HIS CHILD. HOW DOES A MOTHER TELL HER CHILD THIS WHEN SHE WAS 7years old.

I really screwed up but one thing I do know I lived it I felt her pain her whole life because of it but I screwed up.

[Rapt Reader]

Hey, Gidget... .I'm really sorry for all the trauma you are going through with your daughter; it's tough when our child blames us for every trouble they have, and then don't really want to have a good relationship with us. But, it does sound like things are starting to get better a little with her, and if you continue to check out the links to the right-hand margin of this page (go back up to the top and work your way down to click on the TOOLS and THE LESSONS and read everything you find!).

You have the time, just like Imafaerie, to get this "right" and to learn and apply what you learn. When things get tense with the BPD people in my life, I step back, find the Workshops and Articles that meet my needs for that specific situation, and I read all I can! The information has been invaluable to me and has helped me to see things in a different light, and has helped me change the way I deal with them. And the magic thing is, they then change the way they react to me! And things are getting better 

Here's something that both of you, Imafaeire & Gidget, might find very helpful:

How do we become more empathetic to the pwBPD in our life?

I am a very empathetic person in real life    but this Workshop helped me learn to navigate my relationship with my D-I-L in a way that really helped me jump a big hurdle. Can you guys let me know what you think about all these links I given you? Please keep the hope, and continue to read and learn... .We are here to help you

[Gidget]

Thanks for the info I have been reading them plus some books. I noticed since I step away this has seemed to help. I feel she also needs to process the truth on her own and heal.  I don't want to get into any deep conversations with her until I really understand this way of communication. This board has gotten me out of a very deep deep hopeless depression I realize I can't totally blame myself. I do this time want to get it right in the way I convey the way I speak to her. She always said this is about my Mother I just wished she could see how much about her it was. The MD I spoke to (Mental Health) told me the things she did was BPD it gave me great insight. She would assault then call and say I am a rotten daughter She admitted she said the horrible things out of frustration she stated to a close friend she didn't know why she did the things to me. I guess what I see was that she felt safe enough with me to take it out on me. That she also said to me she knew I would always love her. It got much worse after she had her children. I guess it took a long time to get where we are and we can't fix it over night. I just don't want to screw up again and I want to understand what is going on and how she feels before attempting further conversations on the topic

Thanks to all the people hear this board has been much help

[Iamafaerie]

Rapt Reader & Gidget

I too have been reading and reading. Forgive me if I have not given feedback, I am processing and practising. Just last night I lay in bed and read the printout of how to empathise with a pwBPD. It  makes sense and I keep in the back of my mind at all times, that I am dealing with a person who is like a 'walking raw nerve". That helps me understand how slowly to take it and how gentle to be.

For you Gidget it might help to get some of her 2 year old or 4 year old photos out and put them on the fridge or beside the phone to remind you. If you think of her as being fragile and sensitive when you look at the photos it might help you to reframe your daughter in your mind, for now, until she catches up to her real age.

I think you are mostly feeling intense fear of 'stuffing it up" again. If you do not get it perfect, just know for sure that you definitely will do better each time, than in the past and also than in the time before.

Each time we try we will get better and better at it. Trying will not damage her again. She will notice if it is not as bad, even if she does 'crack a mental" at you.

I have told myself that I am going to hang on to the 'not getting blocked" from her FB as enough for the next twelve months.

Keep her face smiling and waving at you as your progress sign for the next year.

Maybe, tell yourself you will not talk about her father with her unless you have another person present, preferably a trusted counsellor. Especially trusted by her.

When I get very distressed the only thing that works for me is to punch the punching bag or scream into a pillow. It releases adrenalin bought on by fear. In the past I have done it until the feeling of relaxtion comes over me. It works for me better than any kind of meditation or exercise. It is fast. Try it with your mouth wide open so that your throat feels the vibration. We hold our throats tight when stressed.

Maybe put a mark on the calendar and tell yourself you will put 'thinking about' contacting her until that day so that you can release your tensions beforehand. Then on the marked day you can decide if you feel calm and ready to consider contacting her. When you do, I would just keep it simple like you advised me to do. Very very simple words with no hint of working things out or 'having a talk'. Just mayby 'you look happy' or 'what a lovely smile' or 'big hugs'.

Thank you both for your wonderful caring. It is appreciated.

[Gidget]

Well I will be seeing them on the 19th at my grandson Christmas play it is hard being around my son-in-laws family with this stuff going on since I feel rather humilitation by what she has done. I know her Monther-In-Law really doesn't see me as she makes me out to be. We were all very close since I watched her children for 5years. Her Mother-In-Law confided in me last year when she went off on her. Her words to me were

" I see who you are as a person please don't let this change you, I would never speak to my Mother or my MIL like she spoke to me" I let it go I knew what she was trying to say to me I didn't feel I should discuss my daughter with her. They knew of nothing of what I went thru looked like a big happy family. I never discussed my daughter's assaults on me with her nor my son-in-law. She always did it in private. I have always had a very good relationship with my son-in-law. Actually he told me that I could always come and live with them if I ever needed to. We got along very well. I was very good to his family. I work in the Medical field I was always there for them with any medical problems when my son-in-law father was dying.

It is just hard to stand with them knowing how I have been shunned and treated by her.

She was so hard to speak to my daughter so black and white no gray area. Whenever I tried to explain my version of what happened in any situation I got. " It is always about my Mother." I became a zombie to keep the peace I became who I had to be that day according to her moods. Never knew when the next outburst would take place "I WALKED ON EGGSHELLS.

[Rapt Reader]

It  makes sense and I keep in the back of my mind at all times, that I am dealing with a person who is like a 'walking raw nerve". That helps me understand how slowly to take it and how gentle to be.

For you Gidget it might help to get some of her 2 year old or 4 year old photos out and put them on the fridge or beside the phone to remind you. If you think of her as being fragile and sensitive when you look at the photos it might help you to reframe your daughter in your mind, for now, until she catches up to her real age.

I have told myself that I am going to hang on to the 'not getting blocked" from her FB as enough for the next twelve months.

Keep her face smiling and waving at you as your progress sign for the next year.

Hey, Iamafaerie... .You are really "getting it"; every tip you are giving to Gidget is perfect! The little kid pictures to remind us who our children are at heart (I've done that many times over the years to help center my feelings of my own BPD son who is 36 now), the dwelling on the Tiny Little Changes (TLCs) for the better (that is actually in the book by Valerie Porr, mentioned in this thread), in order to also keep us mindful and centered, and in a positive mindset. Here are a couple of links that can give more insights into everything you are suggesting, Iamafaerie:

Radical Acceptance for family members

Good News, Breakthroughs & TLCs

I noticed since I step away this has seemed to help. I feel she also needs to process the truth on her own and heal.  I don't want to get into any deep conversations with her until I really understand this way of communication. This board has gotten me out of a very deep deep hopeless depression I realize I can't totally blame myself. I do this time want to get it right in the way I convey the way I speak to her.

Gidget, You have a great start here! I'm truly so sorry that your relationship with your daughter is so traumatic for you, and the pain you've gone through is really terrible... .I recommend Iamafaerie's tips in her post above. Can you picture what it would look like if you could move from pain and ruminating over the past, into accepting that your daughter is who she is, and fully realizing that it is not your fault? And then learning how to make things better for the future by reading and applying the communication tools and techniques we've been talking about on this thread? The links above (especially the first one about Radical Acceptance) could be very helpful in forming that picture... .And, remembering the smile and the wave as a positive, TLC in the right direction, to help you through it all?

You two are having a great conversation here, and I appreciate the opportunity to share what I've learned on this site; I know that this process can make things better for you both (no matter how it turns out with your daughters), because I've seen it happen in my own life. We can't change our kids; but we can change the way we look at them, understand them, and communicate and deal with them. And then, amazingly, they change the way they react to us! And things start getting better... .