Staying and trying

[Depression = 72% of members]

My live in boyfriend is an undiagnosed pwBPD. This past weekend was really tough.  I have an ex-husband who is a real ass and I am currently in court over some custody issues with our daughter. I have spent at least $4000 fighting my ex, and while out together (after drinking alcohol for 5hrs.) my current boyfriend stated to me that my ex-husband is "diagnosed clinically retarded", my ex-husband has ADD, and is definitely a narcissist, my response to my pwBPD was "he has ADD, but I don't know if he is "clinically retarded."  As the night continued he became increasing more drunk, I couldn't get him to leave the bar, because he wanted to fight these 7 guys that had come in (although those individuals did not want or know he wanted to fight.)

After finally getting him to leave, the attention was then back to me, and how I knew my ex-husband cheated (which I suspected but could never officially prove), and stayed 2 more years in the marriage. My pwBPD was married prior and the last 8yrs of his 20yr marriage he cheated on his wife and she stayed.

The next day after sleeping and things settled I tried talking to my pwBPD and explain how what he said was hurtful and I'm owed an apology. I never got an apology and I tried again to talk about it last night and he stated "We are different, and that I keep defending him" (him being my ex-husband) My pwBPD believes that because I didn't say my ex is "clinically retarded" I'm defending him. I have spent $4000 fighting my ex, how can he think this?

I also asked if maybe he should start counseling again, he said "No".

I really want to be happy, I got divorced because my ex-husband was verbally abusive and now I am branded for my past. I am trying to validate his view, but how do you not feel hurt?

I have been reading the articles and a book it just seems so tough, and especially since he doesn't think he has a problem or needs counseling.   

[FigureIt]

My live in boyfriend is an undiagnosed pwBPD. This past weekend was really tough.  I have an ex-husband who is a real ass and I am currently in court over some custody issues with our daughter. I have spent at least $4000 fighting my ex, and while out together (after drinking alcohol for 5hrs.) my current boyfriend stated to me that my ex-husband is "diagnosed clinically retarded", my ex-husband has ADD, and is definitely a narcissist, my response to my pwBPD was "he has ADD, but I don't know if he is "clinically retarded."  As the night continued he became increasing more drunk, I couldn't get him to leave the bar, because he wanted to fight these 7 guys that had come in (although those individuals did not want or know he wanted to fight.)

After finally getting him to leave, the attention was then back to me, and how I knew my ex-husband cheated (which I suspected but could never officially prove), and stayed 2 more years in the marriage. My pwBPD was married prior and the last 8yrs of his 20yr marriage he cheated on his wife and she stayed.

The next day after sleeping and things settled I tried talking to my pwBPD and explain how what he said was hurtful and I'm owed an apology. I never got an apology and I tried again to talk about it last night and he stated "We are different, and that I keep defending him" (him being my ex-husband) My pwBPD believes that because I didn't say my ex is "clinically retarded" I'm defending him. I have spent $4000 fighting my ex, how can he think this?

I also asked if maybe he should start counseling again, he said "No".

I really want to be happy, I got divorced because my ex-husband was verbally abusive and now I am branded for my past. I am trying to validate his view, but how do you not feel hurt?

I have been reading the articles and a book it just seems so tough, and especially since he doesn't think he has a problem or needs counseling.   

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[living in the past]

 hi just read your posts ,glad you signed in here, at least here i am learning that i am not the only one being thrown for a loop, to put it mildly, and to learn what is really going on by being involved with someone with BPD, thanks for sharing you story, and i hope everything gets better for you,

[an0ught]

Hi Ycul,

My live in boyfriend is an undiagnosed pwBPD. This past weekend was really tough.  I have an ex-husband who is a real ass and I am currently in court over some custody issues with our daughter. I have spent at least $4000 fighting my ex, and while out together (after drinking alcohol for 5hrs.) my current boyfriend stated to me that my ex-husband is "diagnosed clinically retarded", my ex-husband has ADD, and is definitely a narcissist, my response to my pwBPD was "he has ADD, but I don't know if he is "clinically retarded."  As the night continued he became increasing more drunk, I couldn't get him to leave the bar, because he wanted to fight these 7 guys that had come in (although those individuals did not want or know he wanted to fight.)

your bf threw you a gauntlet and you picked it up. When it can be avoided it is best to not JADE

Justify

Argue

Defend

Explain

as all of that will be just seen as a provocation and lead to further escalation. It not your fault that he was looking for trouble. He was looking for it. And clearly you were not belligerent enough to satisfy his needs for conflict as he cast his net wider. I guess he was lucky that he did not manage to bait the 7 guys into a fight.

How much of your troubles with your ex are you sharing with him?

[FigureIt]

He knows all the troubles with my ex-husband, because before I encountered the roller coaster, I thought he was kind and understanding. What I have realized is that I looked weak and vulnerable and by me falling for him (my current boyfriend) I "won't leave" him. Even though as I've healed and become strong my BPDbf has done, brought up whatever possible to try and knock me down and feel bad about my past.  When I try not to include him about the issues with my ex, my BPDbf becomes suspicious and agains tries to state that I want my ex back, tells me my ex's current girlfriend (who was the one he cheated on me with) is hot, etc. I feel like there is a no win for me in this. Help!

[an0ught]

He knows all the troubles with my ex-husband, because before I encountered the roller coaster, I thought he was kind and understanding. What I have realized is that I looked weak and vulnerable and by me falling for him (my current boyfriend) I "won't leave" him. Even though as I've healed and become strong my BPDbf has done, brought up whatever possible to try and knock me down and feel bad about my past.  When I try not to include him about the issues with my ex, my BPDbf becomes suspicious and agains tries to state that I want my ex back, tells me my ex's current girlfriend (who was the one he cheated on me with) is hot, etc. I feel like there is a no win for me in this. Help!

Yeah, you are in a bind here.

It is tempting and also quite common to share what troubles one had with the ex. It not necessarily is healthy. What are we doing here? One way looking at it is betraying the trust of the ex in order to proof the our current partner that the ex is truly ex. But then we are also demonstrating that we are ready and willing to break trust some time in a possible future... .

Dealing with a pwBPD just makes the matters worse - fear of abandonment and lack of respect for boundaries.

Tending to cross boundaries unasked leads us to go on shared excursions into our past. A past comprised of triggering material. Simply the fact that we did different stuff way back proofs that we are just faking our love and increase the fear of abandonment.

Nothing what you will do will please him. Dammed if you do and dammed if you don't share. But some roads will lead to a quieter future and some will lead to ones that are more noisy.

It may be worth contemplating where you draw the line in sharing and how you keep the line stable when he tries to cross or you feel bad and have an urge to share more. This workshop may be worth a look: BOUNDARIES: Examples of boundaries.