Adult child of suspected (undiagnosed) BPD mother seeking wisdom re: Stalking

[MissyG]

Hello everyone,

I was advised to re-post this here after I posted it on the newbie board. I would appreciate your tips for handling this with safety first and respect for everyone (including myself!).

==== Re-posted message follows ====

I'm new.  Welcome! First I want to thank you for sharing your experience and wisdom and support with this forum! Second I want you to know that I hope to contribute my own wisdom and support as time goes on.

This first message is just a request for ideas, wisdom, and accounts of your successful dealings with an adult BPD mother like my own. I live three states away from her and have been out of contact with her by choice for 15 years. 

I know 'stalking' is a hard word to use, but I think it's the only way to describe the constant voicemail messages she's left on my business phone with rambling religious phrases, whining and begging for me to get in contact with her, pretending that we are good friends, and insisting that she will surprise me with a visit.

She has actually come to my city twice during our estrangement, although she wasn't able to find me either time.

Last week [edit: this was the week before Thanksgiving 2013] she left me a voicemail stating her intention to drop by soon and for some reason I am feeling terror and confusion and not knowing what to do if she shows up on my doorstep.

Brief background points

- she beat and physically and psychologically tortured me and my siblings when we were little

- the last time I visited her, I was a college freshman and she attacked me physically

- she is hyper-religious to the point of psychosis, visions, delusions, and a sense of grandeur / carrying out "God's will" regardless of the legal consequences

- she never admits or acknowledges any of the battery incidents or cruelty she showed us when we were young and even when I was an adult, and she behaves as if there has been no lack of interpersonal intimacy / trust between us over the years

- she has asked members of our extended family, including some whom I have never met, to contact me on social media in order to 'shame' me into having a relationship with her

- I have attempted to get a stalking investigation and restraining order against her, but my local law enforcement minimized and disregarded my case (the detective assigned to it laughed at me when we talked on the phone)

- she has never been formally examined or diagnosed by a psychologist.  BPD is the best explanation I have come up with for her history of behavior and interaction with me and my siblings

- in the past I have handled her by sending "snail mail" letters asking her to relate with more authenticity and asking her not to try to visit me in person without first communicating mutually

- I usually do not listen to her voice messages because I find them disappointing, upsetting, threatening, and disorienting

- the only one of my three siblings who has maintained a friendship with me over the years recently stopped calling and emailing me because she said she feels too much pressure to keep our conversations confidential from my mother

Maybe this is too much to ask a stranger to consider. If not and if you feel generous / like sharing your opinions and advice, I'd be so glad for your attention! Thanks in advance.

Best,

"Missy"

[edit / P.S.: The more I read on this board, the more I realize how typical my mom is of BPD family members. Thanks for all you share here.]

[Clearmind]

Hi Missy, we cannot control our parents - wish we could. Mom will visit if she wants - what would happen if she knocked on your front door what would you do? - this is separate to the emotional turmoil it may bring. Its good to deal with the boundary first and then process the emotions that may come.

[PrettyPlease]

- she beat and physically and psychologically tortured me and my siblings when we were little

... .[snip]... .

- I have attempted to get a stalking investigation and restraining order against her, but my local law enforcement minimized and disregarded my case (the detective assigned to it laughed at me when we talked on the phone)

Hi Missy G

I was stalked and threatened with death, and equally had a detective laughing and minimizing it on the phone. This was incredibly distressing, and I'm sorry you've had a similar experience.

I agree with most of what Clearmind has said, but from my perspective I'd add that what we can do when we open the door and find our stalker there (parent or no) is partly limited by how we've prepared for that moment. You attempted to prepare by getting law enforcement on your side and they didn't do their job -- apparently.

But I chose from your quote above in order to ask this question: would you consider opening a charge of abuse against your mother, and listing the things she did when you were young, as a rationale for the restraining order? I don't know, possibly you've already explored this avenue; but if you haven't, my hunch is that a lawyer who deals with this sort of law could induce (force) a court to accept that a) you were seriously abused as a child and b) therefore you have a right to be protected from that person continuing to torment you. I think there are extreme circumstances in which a Mom should not be allowed to visit, and this may be one of them.

PP

[MissyG]

@PrettyPlease, it's interesting that you had the same experience with law enforcement that I did. Not good though Thanks for sharing. I will consider your idea of building a stronger case and figure out how I would put that in my own words for my situation.

Ten years ago, in order to get some information similar to what you suggested, I requested my court and CPS records from the times when my mom was cited and given a CPS monitor for hitting me. One of my schoolteachers reported when I coming back to school from an unexcused absence with open wounds and bruises. Another teacher reported when she found me in an unsafe situation that I won't go into details about to avoid being triggering / overly dramatic here). Anyway, the state wouldn't release my case records to me for some weird legal reason that I still don't understand.

@Clearmind, after your message I walked through some scenarios in my mind and I actually feel more confident now. Still sad and also a little bit annoyed but more confident.  Also two days ago we had a neighborhood party where we all discussed safety in the neighborhood and I just felt more like my neighbors would have my back if I described her to them and said she wasn't welcome and didn't belong here. And I included teling her that in my mental roleplay. "You're not welcome here and you may not come into the complex. I do not want to see you or meet you. If I or any of the neighbors see you again, we will call the cops for your trespassing."

She already knows my boundary of wanting to write letters or even emails agreeing on how and where we meet. You can be sure that I wouldn't choose for her to meet at my house! I"ve taking out post office boxes and moved pretty frequently, rarely staying in the same place for more than 2 years, in order to avoid her knowing where I live. So anyway.

[PrettyPlease]

One of my schoolteachers reported when I coming back to school from an unexcused absence with open wounds and bruises. Another teacher reported when she found me in an unsafe situation that I won't go into details about to avoid being triggering / overly dramatic here). Anyway, the state wouldn't release my case records to me for some weird legal reason that I still don't understand.

That sounds like the tip of a pretty big iceberg, MissyG, and I believe you are entitled to more help than you've gotten so far.

I'm not a lawyer, but my hunch is that a lawyer experienced in abuse cases would tell you you can still use these records as part of building a case to get your mother restrained. Even if they won't release them to you, if you know these events occurred, and are reasonably confident that there are records, then my guess is that a judge would be able to look at them. I think it's worth a try.

Congratulations on having the mental strength to do those rehearsals of 'what if'; I agree with Clearmind that this can be very useful.

I"ve taking out post office boxes and moved pretty frequently, rarely staying in the same place for more than 2 years, in order to avoid her knowing where I live.

That's not fair and you're worth more than that. The family I grew up in wasn't physically abusive, but was psychologically abusive and manipulative, and I think one thing is the same in both, which is that as children we don't know what's normal. We need others to help us learn that the world isn't like this for everyone. So I'd like to emphasize again (although I'm sure you've learned this in various ways by now, but it doesn't always sink in emotionally right away), that having to move frequently to get away from your mother is NOT NORMAL and it's NOT OKAY. Notwithstanding that bad experience you had with the police, I believe most people would be supportive and would help you gather evidence and get some action to restrain her.

PP

[MissyG]

That sounds like the tip of a pretty big iceberg, MissyG, and I believe you are entitled to more help than you've gotten so far.

That's not fair and you're worth more than that.

Wow, PrettyPlease- those comments made me feel so good! Thank you   And now I'm thinking more about being able to choose something better for myself. You're right, I've heard the idea many times - that my mom's behavior wasn't okay. But I had only ever thought of it in terms of her behavior when I was a kid. I really like this new perspective about her current behavior now that I'm an adult, especially paired with the idea that I am much more powerful now that we are on the same legal footing (both adults I mean).

if you know these events occurred, and are reasonably confident that there are records, then my guess is that a judge would be able to look at them. I think it's worth a try.

Yes, I will give this a try in the new year. There were many more events that were not recorded / reported than those that were, but there were enough on record to use as you suggest. Thanks for the idea and the encouragement.

[PrettyPlease]

Thanks for the idea and the encouragement.

You're very welcome.  

And I hope you can post the events as they unfold, either here or in a new thread. I haven't had experience with restraining orders myself, but I'd imagine the combination of legal and emotional pressures might get stressful and there are plenty of people here who've been through this, and can give support/advice if you need it.

PP