2 months out: struggling.

[Naddred369]

 We split 2 months ago today.

She replaced/overlapped/cheated on me with a collegue from work( probably coz he walks bigger mountains than me/more experiance.

I caught her in her lies and left her but it was what she wanted me to do, to just disappear.

We are in N/C at the moment. Desperatly want to look at her FB but I cant/wont. It will be too painful for me to deal with. Ive deactivated my account.

I feel crap most days now.Still not sleeping properly. Im depressed,suffering emotional trauma. It just gets worse.

I truly loved that woman with everything I had. I let her into my soul, I took her to my mountains,my SACRED PLACES, The hills that are my physical soul on this planet.

She now goes with the replacement as though it didnt matter in the least.

I walk by the rocks,streams,tarns.Each hold dear memories of our life together and I see her there still... with me.My walking partner, my friend, my lover.

I opened my soul to her and she just picked what she needed and left me destroyed as a man.

2 months on and I miss her so so much.

If she asked me back now i would go!

Coz im such a mess and so terribly in pain and i want it to stop and I know this is gonna go on for months if not years and I want it to stop.

[Jbt857]

Hi there fellow Brit 

I hear you. I am wow - 9 months out and somedays the pain is still as bad as it ever was. Not all days, but some days.

I was married for almost a decade. Gave up my old life for him. Moved to a new area, built a life based on his wants, only for it to be ripped away and for me to be replaced in a flash.

Stick with not checking her FB. I don't go to mine now. I have to keep it open to keep in touch with a few people, but I only ever visit if they message me. My BPDexh is blocked. Since I stopped looking there it has helped a lot.

I guess I see it like he died. And I'm mourning and grieving in just the same way, with no real closure or answers or why or... .just a huge, gaping hole where my husband used to be. (And a whole heap of practical problems he left me with).

Keep learning about BPD. But also be sure to learn about you and what it was with you that made you engage with them in the first place.

I don't have a magic wand or the answers, but you're not alone here. It does get better. Really, really slowly, but don't give up hope that we will come out the other side, knowing more about ourselves than we ever did before.

Not much solace, but the best I have I'm afraid! 

[Naddred369]

Afternoon Jbt857,

Thanks for the reply.

I know the stages of grief and I think Im in stage 5:total mess!

I know things will get better, This is round 2 for me but I dont remember it being so bad last time, though this time its final, the R/S is totally broken beyond repair.

Yeah, it feels like she died, but I cant focus on the good times, just the negative so I feel used and hurt and abused. If I focus on the positive I feel utterly broken inside. I cant win.

I didnt know people like this existed, when she first started playing up and being abusive I actually thought it was hormonal!lol. BPD... .what a mess!

[Jbt857]

It is a mess. The rumination and lack of closure is just awful.

I guess it's worth bearing in mind that the stages of grief do not always run smoothly from one to the next or in any particular order. We can be feeling we are at one stage, then sometimes skip a stage, or go back to one we thought we'd passed through. It's not linear.

I think for me, its something that many people here have touched on - that somewhere we still have hope that it can all be okay. Of course, it can't - the stories here and our own recycles only prove that - but I think when we finally give up all hope, then we make that step of being able to fully detach and let go.

I'm not there yet. Mentally, I am - emotionally - that's the toughie. I edge a little closer most days (some days I take huge leaps backwards), but I think that's they key to making real progress in stopping the pain from being as tough as it is.

Keep posting, keep learning, remember, you're not alone in experiencing this, know it will pass. It's all we have.

[DownandOut]

I let mine into the deepest parts of my soul. I, too, brought her to my sacred places here on this earth. I introduced her to the real me. She did the same thing yours did to you - she cheated/overlapped/replaced me. How could someone just forget all that? Why come in if you aren't going to stay? Why tell someone you love them more than you've ever loved anyone else and that you are perfect for them if, in the end, you are always looking for something better? These are the questions I ask myself every day that only she could answer, but she hasn't and can't! That's how I know she's disordered. Healthy people don't act like that. Healthy people don't just shut their feelings off when they get too strong. Healthy people don't forget that time in your world, seeing your soul. That's why they aren't good for us. It doesn't make the pain go away, but it's the best explanation were going to get.

[Naddred369]

Thanks DownandOut,

Your post was as though Id written it myself!

We can never get answers from them coz I think in all reality they dont even know.

But they know right from wrong im sure of that.

They arnt healthy. mine was killing me slowly, bit by bit.But I did love who I thought she was and thats why it hurts.

I was conned!

The COW! 

[Ironmanrises]

We can never get answers from them coz I think in all reality they dont even know.

The silence that is issued in return, is a reflection, that they do know. From what I experienced with my exUBPDgf and the same silence I received in return to me telling her "You are hurting me.", logically means in my mind, when someone does not answer you, it is because they do know, but will not come out and tell you due to shame/having to actually self reflect on that fact that they are responsible. In her mind, my ex wants to believe I deserve to be hurt like this. Me telling her "You are hurting me" is me breaking that very real reality of what is actually happening and her maladaptive coping mechanisms will not allow her to see/face what she has been doing. Hence the silence. I know it hurts. I struggle with this too. What my exUBPDgf transformed into at the end of both rounds of relationship is not the person I once knew as my friend and my lover. Two vastly different people. A difference that is still jarring for me.

[Nicco]

We split 2 months ago today.

She replaced/overlapped/cheated on me with a collegue from work( probably coz he walks bigger mountains than me/more experiance.

I caught her in her lies and left her but it was what she wanted me to do, to just disappear.

We are in N/C at the moment. Desperatly want to look at her FB but I cant/wont. It will be too painful for me to deal with. Ive deactivated my account.

I feel crap most days now.Still not sleeping properly. Im depressed,suffering emotional trauma. It just gets worse.

I truly loved that woman with everything I had. I let her into my soul, I took her to my mountains,my SACRED PLACES, The hills that are my physical soul on this planet.

She now goes with the replacement as though it didnt matter in the least.

I walk by the rocks,streams,tarns.Each hold dear memories of our life together and I see her there still... with me.My walking partner, my friend, my lover.

I opened my soul to her and she just picked what she needed and left me destroyed as a man.

2 months on and I miss her so so much.

If she asked me back now i would go!

Coz im such a mess and so terribly in pain and i want it to stop and I know this is gonna go on for months if not years and I want it to stop.

I could write the same things,word for word,we are exactly in the same situation.

Left since two months i've been better the first one... .now i'm realizing i'll never have her back and i'm struggling hard... .to see her completely not caring about the only one who in despite of everything knows her REALLY and love her anyway.it's cruel.

She did a big work to convince me she was soulmate,that we were linked like no one else... .and i believed her... .just to find myself throwed away like rubbish... .i feel betrayed in a such deep level... .in my heart,my mind and my soul... .she betrayed me and hurted me completely,there are no unharmed sides in me anymore... .and like you i would probably run there if she only would tell me to do it.

Cause in my mind she's "only a wonderful ill person" that i don't feel able to stop loving.

[santa]

I was in pretty bad shape at 2 months too. Don't be down on yourself about it. It's very difficult early on.

I'm at 4 months now and couldn't be happier about it. I'll have the occasional disappointed feeling about the way that things turned out, but it's becoming more rare.

Here's what has helped me. Maybe it'll be of some use to you.

Just understand that quite honestly, there was absolutely nothing you could do. THERE'S NOTHING YOU COULD DO. These people are just going to be like this forever. You can't help them. The relationship will never be better. Recycling is a horrible idea because they punish you for every bad feeling they have about the break up.

It's just hopeless. Cut loose now while you've already got some time away from the relationship in. The farther you get from it, the better you'll feel. If you go back for more, it's only going to be worse later. Don't be a martyr. Just enjoy your life and let crazy people be crazy on their own time.

[heartandwhole]

Naddred369,

I'm sorry you are going through this.  It can be like getting off an addictive drug, and sometimes it gets worse before it gets better.   These feelings will pass, they really will, but I know going through them is a nightmare come true.

Keep posting and reaching out.  We've been there and are supporting you 100%. 

[Traumatized]

Naddred and Nicco:  I am also two months out and could have written either one of your posts.  It is amazing how we are going through such similar things here!  I've realized that I've lost mine for good too and I am in agonizing emotional pain.  I miss her so much!  I hope she comes back to me soon... .or better yet right this second... .but I am almost 100% sure that she will not.  I trauma bonded with her and know that she's no good for me, but I keep thinking about the good parts of her and the great times that we had instead of focusing on the bad.