It's Almost Like She Gets Mad At Me For Being Sick

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I haven't posted in awhile, because things have been better.  I don't have a lot of time right now, but I do have a question.

I have an Autoimmune Disease and have been in a really bad flare over the past month.  I get very little sympathy/empathy from my uBPDw, even though she also has numerous health problems.  I really can take this OK, but what I can't take is her belittling my symptoms.  Sometimes she almost seems like she is angry at me for being sick.  Why is this?

[downandin]

I haven't posted in awhile, because things have been better.  I don't have a lot of time right now, but I do have a question.

I have an Autoimmune Disease and have been in a really bad flare over the past month.  I get very little sympathy/empathy from my uBPDw, even though she also has numerous health problems.  I really can take this OK, but what I can't take is her belittling my symptoms.  Sometimes she almost seems like she is angry at me for being sick.  Why is this?

[Surnia]

Hi downandin

I am sorry to hear that your health problems got worse.

About your wife's behavior, she is not the only one with it, its a common problem here on the board, I would say. Seems like she is triggered by something. It remembers me when children are jealous bc her brother or sister is sick and got extra attention. Or she thinks she should do something. Or perhaps being sick is something we cannot control? I can only guess.

My exh was horrible when I was sick. It was like a bad programming error.

[maxsterling]

Me getting sick with the flu was the first sign there was something wrong. 

- she complained that I wasn't taking care of myself

- she complained that I was in bed

- she complained that she did not know what to do to help me (leave me alone and let me rest would have helped)

- she complained because I was sick and could not have sex.

She just got into a negative mood about everything, and when I started to feel better, I pointed out that her negative attitude was difficult for me to deal with.  that resulted in the first big rage I experienced, with her trying to jump out my car door while I was driving.  the rage continued until the next day, she told me all the things wrong with me, how we should break up, and the next day when I did say we should break up, she raged more, started hitting herself, pulling the skin from her arm, and throwing things.  Scared, I called the police, and she screamed at and hit the police.

She now looks back and admits she got into a bad mood because I was sick, and admits that was foolish, but never really has apologized for that.  And it still sticks with me

[LetMEgoPLS]

Oh, I know this feeling all too well... .  just a couple of examples of what went on in my long-term relationship...

I can't count the number of times over the years that I've had a stomach virus and uBPDstbx couldn't be bothered to take care of our 3 small children. He's plop them on my bed and take himself to the guestroom for a nice relaxing nap, while I'm puking my brains out & hoping that the kids don't get into anything that can harm them.

I recently had surgery and he's been busy telling me about how quick the recovery was for everyone that he knows, because obviously after 2 weeks, I should be good to go despite the fact that recovery will likely take a good 2 MONTHS. Now, after having very little support, I am dealing with an infection and still taking care of the kids on my own.

These are a few of the reasons that I am choosing to LEAVE. I want a partner that is loving and supportive, not one that enjoys what I can provide for them with not much in return emotionally.

Sorry that you are suffering. 

[empathic]

Same here. My theory is that they fear the loss of control, and don't want us to think that we can "blame" disease for not doing things the way they want to.

My wife has zero empathy when I am sick, yet demands empathy for every little thing that is wrong with her. She won't cancel any plans for me being sick. A couple of times I've had to relocate to another place because her family was coming over for a party, even when I was running a high fever. Another time she went on a business meeting with overnight stay when I had a stomach virus, leaving me to take care of the kids all day.

I blame myself for not standing up for myself at those times. Had it been the reverse I would have felt good staying home and helping her.

I'm not very good at expressing anger, I keep it all inside. And my self-esteem is low. Trying slowly to build it up, bit it is not easy.

[blur]

Yeah I used to get the same treatment if I happen to be sick or working crazy overtime and needing rest, etc. I think Surnia nailed it. They feel like someone else is getting the attention and they can't have that. All eyes,ears,thoughts and hands on them!

Oh but once they're sick or a little tired or have a small pain... .you'd think they're about to die the way they act.

[maxen]

this is a common theme here. my stbxw got angry at me because i had depression. "you think it's all about you! it affects me too you know!" this from someone whom i always warned when an episode was coming on, whom i thanked because, as i said, "it can't be easy to put up with," and whom i saw through a 6 month manic episode without making a point of it (also sciatica). in my case my w's BPD was compounded by reactionary gender attitudes (during the marriage i thought that was the problem; afterwards when i started therapy my T saw the BPD), and her job as the woman was to be non-responsible. so when i got unavailable, she got resentful.

[Samuel S.]

First and foremost, I sincerely do hope and pray you feel better! One of the worst things anyone can experience is any kind of disease. So, please do continue taking care of yourself for your own protection. As for your BPD, a BPD craves and thrives on attention, whether they are experiencing joy, sadness, and some sort of illness. Thus, when you as a nonBPD are sick, it is a threat, because the attention cannot be on them, but on you, instead. In a weird way, she feels that she is more deserving of the attention than you are, which is totally unfair to you. You cannot help being sick. You have enough going on being sick, not alone to deal with the judgments being placed on you. So, please continue protecting yourself by taking care of yourself. A BPD is like a barking dog. They bark a lot in order to scare people.

[Knowingishalf]

As for your BPD, a BPD craves and thrives on attention, whether they are experiencing joy, sadness, and some sort of illness. Thus, when you as a nonBPD are sick, it is a threat, because the attention cannot be on them, but on you, instead. In a weird way, she feels that she is more deserving of the attention than you are, which is totally unfair to you.

This is the exact point I was going to add here but much better written.  My stbxw did this all the time as if it was my fault for getting sick.  Then I discovered it wasn't that as much as the fact she was not the center of attention which was a huge issue for her.

[SoWhat]

Very interesting that this seems to be a common experience.

Probably one of the first real red flags with my uBPD fiance, who I had only gone on a few dates with at the time, was how she behaved when I got really ill.

I told her I was throwing up, had a 102 degree fever, etc., sorry about not responding to texts promptly, and so forth. I didn't think much of it.

But her response to the whole deal was bewildering. When I was well, she seemed genuinely angry at me for not contacting her enough the previous week. I explained that I had been in and out of the doctor's office and spent most days sleeping and puking profusely. She said, "well, you didn't think it was that high a priority, I guess. I went on a date with another guy."

That pattern continued. She's actually started a fight just about every time I've been sick, now that I think about it. 

[belladella]

I am so sorry you are not feeling well. It's difficult enough trying to take care of everyday issues when in good health. I just wanted to add that my situation is the same. When I had the flu, food poisoning and even when I had surgery and couldn't drive home, he was very upset and tried to start an argument- when that didn't work, he packed his bags each and every time and left me to my own devices, just to show back up after I recovered. It's twisted and selfish, so I just learned not to count on him for anything. He gets upset because I am a strong woman, good thing I am or else I would have been in deep trouble had I depended on him to help me. Stay strong and do the best you can. 

[an0ught]

Yeah,

this is common. As always in BPD there will be multiple factors in play. And when we are ill

  - we are focused on ourselves - less validation, abandonment kicks in

  - we are ourselves more sensitive and emotional reactive - more likely both sides together amplify something small

  - we may feel bad and that is received by a highly sensitive partner with BPD

  - we lack space to withdraw

  - pwBPD feels helpless as they can't help us

when we are ill we are low on energy. Energy intensive coping strategies start failing. Dysfunctional pleasing (bound to fail eventually anyways), intensive validation or repeated active walking-out all are not available.

What can help is when enough boundaries have been put in place beforehand and there is sufficient mutual respect. Established boundary maintenance is a relatively low energy task.

In case the pwBPD is highly functional and has some propensity to help it may also help to have a small crisis for them to get busy and solve. Some pwBPD are very good in crisis mode and it gets us off the radar.

[empathic]

I came down with fever and sore throat today, haven't been sick in a couple of years. Happened at the worst of times unfortunately, as we're having people over tomorrow and wife is busy making the house be top-notch.

So while I'm lying in bed she's slamming cupboards and making a lot of noise. This is a major trigger for her, and I've gotten some silent treatment at dinner as well. Now she had to do all the shopping by herself, and someone should be punished for that, surely.

This time I won't start cleaning the house while being sick though, instead I focus on resting as much as possible so there is a slight chance I'll be on my feet tomorrow.

[karma_gal]

OP, my heart goes out to you because I, too, have a disorder with distinct flares, and they are miserable.  Right now you need to focus on resting and being kind to yourself, and tune her out as much as possible.  Trust me, I know it's easier said than done.  As others have said, she will likely pull out all the stops to make things miserable because you aren't feeling well.  I have had times where he has insisted on slamming cabinet doors, keeping the TV volume crazy high, talking really loud on the phone -- anything to be a nuisance, essentially -- and I have packed a bag and went and stayed in a hotel room for the weekend just so I could focus on getting better.  It's not the perfect solution, but there really aren't any when our spouses act the way they do. 

It is weird for me to read how common this is, because I have had my own recent brush with this.  I was going through a horrid period of about a year where I was in unreal amounts of pain.  Seriously, I'm not a wimp but I could not handle the pain it was so severe.  I was in and out of doctors' offices trying to figure out what was wrong with me.  All told, I saw 22 specialists before one finally knew what it was and could treat it.  Because what I have is so rare, I would often have med students and residents come in to see me along with the doctor, as the docs were using it as a teaching experience.  My husband complained all during that year about how he was sick of me complaining -- which I can understand; I was sick of complaining, myself, but it was a miserable existence and he wasn't helping at all -- but it wasn't until the extra attention from all the docs that he walked out the door citing, "I am so sick of you getting all the attention and having docs from other places come in to see you and no one wants to hear about my blood pressure problems."  Still to this day I cannot believe how he acted during this period of time.

This is just another example, unfortunately, that highlights the fact that these folks just aren't capable of being partners to us.  Sad. 

[myself]

It reminds them that they don't feel well. That there is something wrong with them, a constant illness that they can't bear to face. Which triggers them to project those feelings onto you, causing them to feel worse instead of clearing up the problems. Which they then take out on you, the cycle continuing. Very unhealthy.

[hergestridge]

I have the problem where I can't stop my wife from asking me how I feel. I have a chronic migraine and I have asked her not to ask me all the time if I have a headache because it heightens the awareness of the pain. I think it's better that I tell her myself when she needs to know. She can't handle this and asks me anyway. I've asked her why. She say it's just the way she is, she has to know.

I know a thing or two about pain relief from my work and it's a medical fact that you can't have someone asking you all the time how you feel when you live with chronic pain. It's just inappopriate.

But I don't think it has so much to do my the sickness or pain in itself. It has more to do with the fact that a factor in person A (the non) demands/requires a change in behavior with person B (the BPD) and that is a situation where my wive's brain seems to short-circuit.

It's the same if someone asks her to

a/ calm down

b/ please be careful

c/ slow down a little bit

d/ lower the tone of her voice

It doesn't matter how nicely she's asked, she feels insulted/threatened/forced/made a fool of. This "telling off" can have a disasterous effect, leaving my wife some type of hang-up about not lowering her voice in library from now on or not being careful with the car she just borrowed. WOW, the communication issues... .

[maxen]

It's the same if someone asks her to

... .

c/ slow down a little bit

yours too, eh?

It doesn't matter how nicely she's asked, she feels insulted/threatened/forced/made a fool of.

the slightest request or even opinion from me was taken as dictation.

so how do you deal, hergestrisge?