Self-ruminating on my situation and depression

[DesertChild]

So I changed my inner mantra which got rid of a large part of my anxiety a few weeks ago.

Changed from, "Will anyone accept me?" which I answered with, "No." And then changed the mantra to, "Be comfortable with yourself." (Somewhere between love yourself and accept yourself, but kinda tied to the time philosophy)

But the flux in my depression cycle is not going away, which drives me nuts. I hate it. I mean it's not as bad as it was when I had the huge anxiety and the racing thoughts, but it's bad enough.

I also found that my triggers are pretty much dealing with my parents, which doesn't help at all. I'm unfortunately financially dependent on them. (Long story) I'm not quite able to get out of my financial rut. I mean I'm seeding things for the future, and my therapist says I'm doing a lot (which, personally, I feel I'm using to ignore the depression--I know that seems odd, but it's not manic from what my T says.), but I really need to break the cycle and rut I'm in.

My therapist says to be patient and keep using the present to build a better future--which I agree with, but my reality now sucks pretty bad.

I know I'm prone to depression as a coping mechanism since I do not like to take out my negative emotions on others, but dealing with the trifecta is difficult right now.

Any good coping mechanisms I should try for? My strategies occasionally outright fail, but I think my subconscious is trying to tell me something I can't seem to access because I'm not getting full sleep. Catch 22, much? There is one piece of the puzzle I'm missing... .and I don't have a clue what it is after hours of trying to find it so I can fix it.

[Lucky Jim]

Hi DesertChild, When I attended my son's Little League game soon after separating from my BPDxW, I used to see my Ex and her posse there and would have a Charlie Brown thought bubble over my head that went something like this: "Everybody hates me . . . "  Over time, and with the help of a friend, I was able to replace the thought bubble with a new message along these lines: "I am lovable just the way I am, without the need to change anything."  Somehow it helped me, and maybe changing your mantra to something similar might help you, too!  Lucky Jim

[Rose Tiger]

In a book I read recently, the author's sister had a fiance that the sister loved dearly.  He was killed during the war.  The sister's job was a sewing one, where all day long she would sew and ruminate about her lost love.  She was spiraling downward.  Her parents decided the sewing job had to go and they found a job opening, a widower with two small children needed help with the house and the children.  They arranged for her to take this job.  It kept her mind and her hands busy, too busy to constantly ruminate on her loss.

When you say you feel you are avoiding the depression, that might not be such a bad thing. 

[fromheeltoheal]

When you say you feel you are avoiding the depression, that might not be such a bad thing. 

I dunno.  For months after I left her I buried myself in work, and when I wasn't working I went drinking.  Both of those were ways to avoid to me, and although it worked in the moment, I wasn't healing I was just repressing.  It's been a little over a year for me, and recently work has slowed down a bit, a good thing, and I've stopped drinking, a very good thing, but turns out I'm now having some intense dreams about her, and she's at the forefront of my focus again, even though I haven't talked to her or seen her for over a year.  What's up with that?  I say it's because I haven't healed and purged, and now I've allowed myself to slow down and feel, it's coming up.  A good thing really, kinda wish I hadn't distracted myself in the beginning, but hey, I did what seemed right as I dealt with emotions moment to moment.

I say yes, do things that move you forward in your life, move you toward the future of your dreams, but be aware if you are getting busy to just be busy.  Stopping and feeling is more difficult, but the stuff's gotta come out; the only way out is through.

[Rose Tiger]

There is a difference between working through feelings and ruminating.  Oh I wish I could of buried myself in work, like you did, I was too devasted, I could get out of bed and function in a low key way but oh the emotional devastation, I couldn't get away from it.  I've been going through a mini relapse with the holiday, just missing my mom, missing having a partner and having lots of dreams.  Having a good cry ... .or two.  Not fighting the feelings but not letting them consume me.

[fromheeltoheal]

There is a difference between working through feelings and ruminating.  Oh I wish I could of buried myself in work, like you did, I was too devasted, I could get out of bed and function in a low key way but oh the emotional devastation, I couldn't get away from it.  I've been going through a mini relapse with the holiday, just missing my mom, missing having a partner and having lots of dreams.  Having a good cry ... .or two.  Not fighting the feelings but not letting them consume me.

Yes, the holidays with all their meaning, history and expectations seem to bring up strong feelings; they can be the happiest and the saddest times, depending where we are emotionally going into them.  I've decided these holidays are going to be about me, and the things I do will be because I want to and not because I feel obligated to.  So far so good, but even that has emotions attached; part of it is just holding on till January.

Yes, there is a line between feeling things and working through them and ruminating.  I've done both.  Tough to find which side of the line we're on sometimes, where feeling everything is important, but getting stuck there is counterproductive.  Lately I've been focused on my past before her, as I process the mindset that got me into the relationship to begin with.  A lot of regrets, reliving of negative crap, realizations, yadda, have come up, and when I get stuck there I can forget all my good qualities and it's not a happy place.  That to me is unproductive ruminating, and today I've decided to live in the present for the weekend, no deep introspection or analysis, just be OK with where I'm at.  So far so good... .

Take care of you!

[DesertChild]

I'm back to balanced state. My therapist realized two things about me: One that I spend a lot of time in my head instead of the physical world. And that I usually do know the answer to getting out of depression, but sometimes I choose not to do it.

Since I spend all that energy on my inner world, things like taking care of myself, dealing with things that are out of my control suffer greatly. It's surrender versus control.

Also I've been letting my emotions wash over me, which was really, really hard. I'm used to capping them off and trying to make something out of them.

Probably left over from my childhood with my mom... .but I also need to address my physical world, which I've avoided for so long 'cause every time I came out to address it, it's pretty much betrayed me. (Extreme negative reenforcement.)

In another words, I choose depression because it's control and choose not to do anything about it at times because I don't want to face the bigger thing that I can't control. I wonder if that's messed up... .

Surrender is so difficult though.

[ucmeicu2]

In another words, I choose depression because it's control and choose not to do anything about it at times because I don't want to face the bigger thing that I can't control. I wonder if that's messed up... .

Surrender is so difficult though.

hi DC, i don't think it's messed up.  it's just a coping mechanism.  coping mechanisms are put into play for things that are too overwhelming, things we can't handle right now, things that could destroy us. i read about this concept yrs ago in the book Positive Addiction.  the dr wrote abt people w/depression, what causes it, what the dif levels are, and how to get out of it.  his views are probably considered controversial, but it did resonate with me and it sounds spot on to what you are describing abt yourself.

man i gotta dig out that book and read it again.  it brings a whole new meaning to 'addiction',  post-BPD r/s!  

PS  i'm getting hit w/some pretty big waves of depression now myself... . guess it's the holidays and all... . yesterday i went to a store my xBPDgf and i used to shop in... .everything reminded me of her.  i was flooded w/all the old feelings, the excitement of buying gifts for her... .and i actually bought a couple things ~ for her! ~  all the while having this conversation in my head "WTF are you doing?" and "wow, you are so NOT being successful at mental NC right now!"... . the other part of me saying "i know, but i can't help it, can't stop myself" and "i'll just buy these 2 things and save them... .save them for WHAT?   you're broke up, 10 months no contact w/her, AND uhh she's in prison!".  cray cray <sigh>

the more i ruminate the more depressed i get.  the more depressed i get the more i ruminate.  vicious cycle. have to break it... .  i bought a Light Therapy Box!  anybody here used one?

[Rose Tiger]

I don't think that's cray cray.  If there weren't some good times, it would of been so easy to leave our ex'es.  There are some good moments that I really miss and I occasionally cry my heart out because they will never happen again.  Grieving takes time and that's the way it goes. 

Good point on the light, I'm looking forward to getting past Dec 21st, the shortest day of the year in the states.  Winter everything is dead, frozen, hybernating, waiting for Spring and renewal.  C'mon summer! Bah humbug - - >   

[myself]

Desert Child, it's ok to feel your feelings, just don't get stuck in them. One of the main things I've learned from this site is that changing bad patterns is good. They can be hard to face, hard to pin down, but doing so is very beneficial. If being depressed for awhile helps you work your way to the other side, if not getting to stuff for awhile helps you take care of other stuff, then so be it. It's about helping find out who you are and where you need to be. Opening our eyes can be scary, but it sounds like you have a good T who is pointing in the right directions. Bring the focus onto You and what you really need, at your own pace. You will find the strength to take care of yourself. The inner sense of self to make sure you're not stuck.