toddler misses daddy

[momtara]

My toddler, who is 3, is more often crying to visit daddy, especially since daddy has cut down on calling on the phone.  I feel crappy for divorcing when stbxh is trying to change (but he can't change enough and I don't know if he will).  He has visitation only every 2 weeks, so I know our very small kids suffer for not seeing him.   I tell my kids that daddy loves them and will see them soon, and he's helping grandma, or something.  Don't know what else to do in this situation.  It's not like the kids cry for him all the time, but it has happened twice in the last few days.  It's just not a good situation for two little kids to be without daddy.    I wonder if they will blame me when they get older, and if they will suffer emotionally/mentally because of this quasi-abandonment.

[livednlearned]

My toddler, who is 3, is more often crying to visit daddy, especially since daddy has cut down on calling on the phone.  I feel crappy for divorcing when stbxh is trying to change (but he can't change enough and I don't know if he will).  He has visitation only every 2 weeks, so I know our very small kids suffer for not seeing him.   I tell my kids that daddy loves them and will see them soon, and he's helping grandma, or something.  Don't know what else to do in this situation.  It's not like the kids cry for him all the time, but it has happened twice in the last few days.  It's just not a good situation for two little kids to be without daddy.    I wonder if they will blame me when they get older, and if they will suffer emotionally/mentally because of this quasi-abandonment.

Best thing you can do for them is to validate how they feel. If they feel sad that they can't see him, and you tell them that he loves them, it's confusing for them. When they say they want to see him, and they're sad, validate those feelings. "I can see you feel so sad that daddy isn't here." Let them feel those feelings. Let them figure out that they way they feel is real. It's the key to everything.

My mother did this my whole life, and still does it. She told me my dad loved me, and yet his actions never matched the behavior. It devastated me, trying to sort this all out. It's at the root of why I kept picking men who were either N/BPD or had N/BPD traits. They say they love me, but then they do xyz. And I was so well trained to think that's love that I kept making excuses for it.

Would have been so much healthier if I felt the feelings. Really felt them. Felt them when I was young, so I could learn that feelings  = real.

I know, as parents, we don't want our kids to hurt. But protecting them from feeling hurt is the real stake in the heart.  :'(

Power of Validation is the best book to learn how to do this. I read it when S12 was 8 and talking about wanting to die. Instead of telling him he shouldn't feel that way, I started asking him about how he felt. And then he stopped talking about it. I use it all the time now with him, and he's thriving. He's a really sensitive kid, feels things very deeply. I've stopped telling him how he should feel and started listening. It's powerful stuff.

[momtara]

Good points, thanks.  Not much you can explain to a toddler, but i did say things like "I know you miss daddy.  Well, you'll see him soon."  etc.  Thanks.

[thisyoungdad]

I am in a similar situation. My ex left me, she is the one with the pd, and we have a 50/50 custody situation which gives us 5 days in a row with our daughter who is 3. Yet there are times, although not as much lately, when she will say those things to me about missing mommy, although more than that she tells me she misses me when she is with mommy. I always tell her I know and I miss her too, and it is okay to feel sad when you aren't with me or mom. I have always tried to tell her I understand she feels what she is feeling, hold her if she wants and sometimes she does, and then tell what you have said like "I know you miss mommy" etc. That small validation seems to really help her. I think she knows it is okay with me that her feeling sad about missing mommy is okay even on time with me, which is what I want despite the gut wrenching aspect of it. I want her to feel safe with me and for her to know that she can always tell me her feelings, about mom even despite me not being with her mom. This young age is really hard.

[livednlearned]

I am in a similar situation. My ex left me, she is the one with the pd, and we have a 50/50 custody situation which gives us 5 days in a row with our daughter who is 3. Yet there are times, although not as much lately, when she will say those things to me about missing mommy, although more than that she tells me she misses me when she is with mommy. I always tell her I know and I miss her too, and it is okay to feel sad when you aren't with me or mom. I have always tried to tell her I understand she feels what she is feeling, hold her if she wants and sometimes she does, and then tell what you have said like "I know you miss mommy" etc. That small validation seems to really help her. I think she knows it is okay with me that her feeling sad about missing mommy is okay even on time with me, which is what I want despite the gut wrenching aspect of it. I want her to feel safe with me and for her to know that she can always tell me her feelings, about mom even despite me not being with her mom. This young age is really hard.

This made my heart swell -- you're doing a great job teaching your daughter healthy ways to deal with difficult feelings. I wish I could turn back the clock and do this with my son when he was little. i didn't figure this out until he was 9. At 8, his feelings had been so invalidated he would talk about not wanting to live  :'(  Those are some pretty hard feelings to validate  :'(  But the only thing that helped him was validating them, as difficult as that was. So he knew he was heard. I had to say things like "You must feel really sad to say that. I can see how sad you are by the look on your face and how your body looks. Do you want to come here and hug while you tell me more about how you feel?" At first I thought, I better not show him how sad I feel, but my T said, Go right ahead and let him see. You love him and it hurts to see him hurt. It's ok for him to know that. So I started to say validating things, and then told him how I felt. Not sure if this is a developmental, age appropriate part of it or not. He continued to talk about wanting to die for a few months, but he handled it different after I started validating him. At first, he was in sheer pain and he kinda got stuck there, with me saying things like "You're great! People love you! I love you!" Not realizing I was invalidating him. Then I started to validate him, and let him know I felt his pain. Then I learned to point out to him how well he handled his difficult feelings. "You felt so bad you didn't want to live, and then you told me how you felt. We sat here and talked and hugged, and now I can see you feel so much better, and your face is smiling and you feel like playing. What a great job you did taking care of yourself."

Such hard stuff.