well, here I am again. It had been a lovely and long Summer, with holidays do Greece even. But now the big heary monster is awake. Mainly because I didnt want to apply for a officer job advert he found, and, instead opted for the adm assistant one(I was being real for once, and vulnerable, just wanting him to say: oh, yes you can apply, sort of thing). All the yelling and accusation as we are all very familiar.
I come from a broken home, where my mother died when i was seven and I was raised by a loving 'on his own way' dad, who maltreated his wives and didnt make life very easy for me.
My undiagnosed BPD husband's father left when he was 5 and he was to blame.
So few days before the episode about the job, i said: Now that we have kids(son 4 and daughter 10 months) i see how cruel life has been to us, now that we have young children, we cannot imagine them going through losing their mum, being abandoned,how possibly all this bad happened to us at such a young age?
He become a bit unsettled and only felt pity for himself obviously, but life carried on for few more days.
(do you think this comment could have triggedered his emotions? or would (the disregulation come anyway?)
After the problem with me applying for the job, i left the room as soon as the yelling started, and we havent made up yet - its over 14 days.
Our son's 5th birthday is on Thursday, so , yesterday, i tried to approach him to'talk', meaning I was ready to say sorry for all my fault in everything - and he not only didnt listen but carried on the verbal abuse.
I know, i shouldnt be apologising... .but i was so desperate to get him stable for our son's birthday.
today things were even worse, to the point where I had to say he was abusing m verbally, which cause great distress in him, as he works with young people and abuse is a BIG bad word. he threw the phone at me and asked me to call the police if i think its really abuse. I just went upstairs.
I picked our son from school, cooked dinner, did the laundry, did the shopping online for our son's party- still looking after the baby, and he only came down from 'his office' to eat. After children were asleep - with me bathing, changing, putting to bed, he came to complain about the roast chicken , rice and peas i cooked! Saying i only have to cook 1 meal a day and end up cooking such a horrible meal, subjecting our children to this life.
Please, i am so fed up! I am the most easy going, take it all , kind of person, but he is getting on my nerves.
Abusive language is so hard. How to we survive this?
I am feeling so disheartened .Its so unfair. I have no choice but to stay.
I am finding it so hard.
