Some Questions

[FigureIt]

I have been learning alot from the forum and really appreciate all the help and guidance many have given.   

I still learning how to deal with my BPDbf and I'm really taking a look at if I should stay or go.  In previous posts I stated that we had a tough weekend, and in the end he saw me to blame for "defending my ex-husband."  Which I in no way did, although I do see that I shouldn't have countered.  Since my BPDbf has been off of work for the week because the manufacturing plant he manages is closed for the week.  Monday, he went in to his office for about 4 hours, was home before me and just sat watching TV., Tuesday he was home all day (I think he worked out and then watched TV), when I got home at 3:00pm he decided he was going to get his son and put up the outdoor xmas lights (which I needed to get out, etc. and was not asked/told)  In the end, I hung the lights while my BPDbf held the ladder... .which totally affected my plans for the evening.  This morning he begrudgingly got up and took care of the dog at my request, but then was back in bed when I left.  All 3 days he has been withdrawn from me.  He doesn't really talk and but will answer questions (very silently) if I ask. 

I have an 8yr. old daughter who is happy and fun and all excited about xmas and it is just so hard to have a "silent moaper" in the house.  I want to be happy and have fun and my BPDbf is SOO Draining. 

Over a year ago he was off of work for 2months due to a medical condition.  He help make meals, do laundry, and take care of the dog... .Although right before the medical incident I was about to leave.  Now, if I even ask for assistance with for example the dog, he gets offended and pissed.

How do you manage to have to do everything and not become resentful.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Hydroman]

I have the same problem.  My wife has BPD and bipolar.  3 yrs ago, she just stopped doing anything-totally disengaged-barely took care of kids (stay at home mom), no cleaning, no cooking, no help with kids once they got home from school-I got stuck with everything.   Resentful-yes!   I have those feelings.   Will I make and our marriage survive?-I don't know.   I haven't lost all hope yet.  For my own peace of mind, I have to know all stones have been overturned before I'm ready to throw in the towel.   You have my deepest sympathies-its tough!   I survive the weeks and weekends are just to catch up.   Some days, I don't get much done at work and lunch hours are "MY TIME"-although now I'm getting calls every lunch hour.   Progress is painfully slow with many setbacks.   

I dont have an answer for you-I wish I did.   I think we are playing a game of which straw will break the camels back.   

Take care.   Take an hour for yourself sometime and don't feel guilty for doing so.    Its my children who keep me going-I'm making up for thier do nothing mother.

Hydroman

[waverider]

It is difficult, my partner is low functioning and lacking 'effort" in anything for want of a better term. This is the way she is, always has been and probably always will be. It is not a mood or issue based thing, it is a personality dysfunctionality.

I cant change this even with boundaries etc,it is like teaching a duck to bark, just frustrates me. Now I just get on with my own thing and be proud that I am efficient and functional. Letting go of the feeling of unfairness and resentment is hard. But endless fighting is worse.

If your situation is out of character, I guess the best method is to address the root cause rather than nag about the symptoms.

As Hydroman states, make time for yourself that is just as important as any other chore and should not be relegated, otherwise the resentment will get worse and that effects everything. I trade off the "neediness" with taking substantial times for myself without feeling guilty, or need to justify. That did not happen overnight, but I worked at it and made it so. Now it is sort of an unspoken trade off

[FigureIt]

Thank you both for your help. I do plan to take some more time for me, I am looking into a yoga studio and some other things.

How do you respond, when you take this time for yourself, and you BPDso reacts negatively, like "you're never home" or "I know what your doing/happens there... ."

In the past I have done some things like run errands and I get home 5min. after or so and I'm accused of "not being there for him", or I get the silent treatment. Or I went on a day trip for work (a conference that was 1 1/2 hrs. away) and was home before him both days and he "insinuated" I was having an affair while gone.

How do you reply without leading to an argument?

[FigureIt]

My BPDbf has been off of work on vacation all week. Tonight he chose to "go out", sit in a bar and drink & watch sports. He left at 3:30 and I asked if he would be late and he said "no". It has now been 7hrs and he is not home yet.  I expect he will come home drunk and depending May be in an accusatory mood. I am a school educator and have weeks off, NEVER do I decide to just "go out" on my weeks off, also if I did my BPDbf would claim I am cheating, looking for attention, etc.

I get irritated that he expects me to act, follow certain rules, yet chooses not to follow them himself. I have addressed this with him and it seems as though I'm ignored. There have been times when I have done things for myself, played golf, and it always gets thrown back at me.

How do you not react? I can see he is blatantly doing things to "control me." And then does WHATEVER he pleases.

An example of his control... .I have bought tickets to see the nutcracker with my daughter and both our mothers, he texts me tonight while he's out that I should invite the wife of a guy friend that he goes out with too.  I don't hang out with this woman, except when we are out as a couple, plus I already bought the 4 tickets. I did text her but have heard nothing. So now he's picking my friends.

[waverider]

How do you reply without leading to an argument?

I dont, its not a direct question. If it was I would reply with my truth, once only. Then not get drawn into justifying it, as there is nothing to justify.

[waverider]

My BPDbf has been off of work on vacation all week. Tonight he chose to "go out", sit in a bar and drink & watch sports. He left at 3:30 and I asked if he would be late and he said "no". It has now been 7hrs and he is not home yet.  I expect he will come home drunk and depending May be in an accusatory mood. I am a school educator and have weeks off, NEVER do I decide to just "go out" on my weeks off, also if I did my BPDbf would claim I am cheating, looking for attention, etc.

I get irritated that he expects me to act, follow certain rules, yet chooses not to follow them himself. I have addressed this with him and it seems as though I'm ignored. There have been times when I have done things for myself, played golf, and it always gets thrown back at me.

How do you not react? I can see he is blatantly doing things to "control me." And then does WHATEVER he pleases.

Dont match what you do against what he does, you are two different people and there will never be that "equality or fairness'. Just concentrate on establishing your rights to do what you think is fair. This is independent of whatever he does. If whatever he does is something you cant tolerate then establish boundaries. Try to separate what he does and what you do as a balancing scale. It will result in resentful tit for tat.

An example of his control... .I have bought tickets to see the nutcracker with my daughter and both our mothers, he texts me tonight while he's out that I should invite the wife of a guy friend that he goes out with too.  I don't hang out with this woman, except when we are out as a couple, plus I already bought the 4 tickets. I did text her but have heard nothing. So now he's picking my friends.

Take this as a suggestion for your consideration, whether you do it or not is your choice

[FigureIt]

Waverider thank you for your recommendations.  I will just state the truth once and then go on.  In the past I have attempted to justify and prove my side and it never worked.

I did attempt some of the validation last night when he came home.  It was 2am, so he had been out 11hrs.  And when he got in bed he began with "We need and exit plan... ." which meant we are going to break up and it was all because I have an ex-husband who is an a-hole, and when I was in court recently I, the judge ruled "evenly", so I didn't completely win and how my BPDbf can't live with this, blah, blah, blah.  And how he wants to protect me, but that would lead to an aggressive act and I can't be trusted, blah, blah, blah, which is all talk because he wouldn't do anything.  I kept saying I understand how frustrating this must be, and I love you, even after the attacks at me. 

Finally after an 1 1/2 he went to sleep.  This morning at 7:00am when I had to get up for work, I asked him if he want to break up and me to leave... .his response was "NO.", so the rage is done, but I am exhausted.

One thing that does really bother me is that we own a house together.  I put the $10,000 down to buy it.  He pays the mtg. and I pay all the other bills.  If we do "break up" or when it has come up, I want him to leave because I have an 8yr. old who goes to school here, it's her home, it's a neighborhood, she has friends, etc.  He states "He will not leave, this is his house."  Everything but a table & chairs, a living room ensemble, and TVs are mine and came from my previous home.  Why would he force a little girl to uproot her life and move when it is just him?

[waverider]

Dont try to have worthwhile conversations with anyone once they have been drinking.

If you wish to know more about dividing assets after a split try visiting the Leaving, and Family Law Boards, plenty of folks there who have been through this.

Why would he force a little girl to uproot her life and move when it is just him?

Because he has PBD and in a crisis it will all be about just him

[ParadiseCircus]

Hi Ycul,

You could be writing my story and taking the next step!

I too have a daughter in 5th grade and I would have so much stress over uprooting her. It went on so long that I moved out.

I regret it. She asks me why we left all the time. He & I are still dating.

I told him we needed a plan to get back together in a healthy way. The future is expected to hold marriage and a house purchase, but I have so many fears. He is so controlling over money. I can't imagine how it will work out.

Those drunken fights - horrible. Exhaustion the next day to be dismissed with the 'sorry' is so hard to weather. I told him clearly and multiple times I would go to sleep and refuse to talk if he was drunk and he would have to understand. He would lash out for attention; eventually settle in (then want affection) and then be all better. At other times, we discussed what we felt alcohol limitations should be. I discussed lowering mine and challenged him a little when I thought he didn't lower his enough and allowed loop holes. We talked about what happened if this number was breeched.

I finally understood that he never wanted to break up - even though it was the theme of every argument. In the 'High Conflict Couple' it states that when we get stressed or afraid we want to run or protect ourselves from the pain. An easy way to stop any kind of pain jealousy, physical... is to put distance between yourself and the perpetrator. It's a stress response. So we talked about the fact that breaking up will never be a topic to be had while intoxicated. He also admitted that he can't seem to control that ranting when he drinks and sober he knows that it is rough (stating he sees my ex in my daughter's face everytime he looks at her) he wants to be together forever.

I thought I'd just share to commiserate. I am not an expert on BPD and just logged on yesterday.

Today - I'm closer to Paradise and not such a Circus.

[an0ught]

I too have a daughter in 5th grade and I would have so much stress over uprooting her. It went on so long that I moved out.

I regret it. She asks me why we left all the time. He & I are still dating.

These were tough choices to make  . For both (moving out and continuing) you were judged hard by others. Don't beat up for it too! You have a healthy sense of boundaries. You were faced with impossible choices and you were able to act to protect yourself and your relationship interests. You certainly did not choose the easiest way. This workshop may help you: Therapeutic Separation - Restarting the Relationship

I finally understood that he never wanted to break up - even though it was the theme of every argument. In the 'High Conflict Couple' it states that when we get stressed or afraid we want to run or protect ourselves from the pain. An easy way to stop any kind of pain jealousy, physical... is to put distance between yourself and the perpetrator. It's a stress response. So we talked about the fact that breaking up will never be a topic to be had while intoxicated. He also admitted that he can't seem to control that ranting when he drinks and sober he knows that it is rough (stating he sees my ex in my daughter's face everytime he looks at her) he wants to be together forever.

Considering that you wrote he fears abandonment it is good that you are talking about it. Still it is worth remembering that to avoid this dynamic in the heat of conflict you need a boundary i.e. YOU will not talk about it even when he is baiting you.

The High Conflict Couple may well be one of the best books on validation. Is he reading it too?