Does your BPD do this? Drives me CRAZY.

[Levi78]

My uBPD mom has this tendency to ask rapid fire questions and NEVER listen to my responses. Just as I start to answer, she'll fire off another question, completely unrelated to the previous topic. Do your BPDs do this? It makes talking to her UNBEARABLE. A common phone call might sound like this:

Mom: How's the kids?

Me: They're great, we just started soccer--

Mom: Did you get that catalog I sent you? I really want you to look at it.

Me: We received it yester--

Mom: Guess what! I found this great new recipe for Potato salad! It's very low calorie. I'll send it to you!

Me: Um, the boys don't like potat--

Mom: By the way, tell your husband to email me the pictures of the kids. He promised to email me pictures but I haven't received them.

Me: Which pics are you talk--

Mom: I got a call from your aunt the other day. Boy that grandson of hers is such a brat!

You get the idea. I think my mom just wants to hear herself talk. She truly doesn't care what my answers are -- she can just make up her own reality later. Anyone else have a BPD who does this?

[livinnlearnin]

OMG yes.
Asks 5 million questions and NEVER listens to the answer.
Switches randomly to an unrelated topic and then on to something else…
Also, my ubpd mom INTERRUPTS conversations with others all the time. My husband thinks it’s to get attention… as soon as she perceives she might not be the center of attention that sends her desperately searching to bring things back to herself ?
Idk

[kells76]

Hi Levi78;;

My uBPD mom has this tendency to ask rapid fire questions and NEVER listen to my responses. Just as I start to answer, she'll fire off another question, completely unrelated to the previous topic. Do your BPDs do this? It makes talking to her UNBEARABLE.

Wow, that sounds irritating at best  It would be nice to feel like she took a real interest in your life -- there's a grief and loss when your parent isn't interested in who you are.

I wonder if we can shorten those phone interactions for you. I can't imagine it being healing or calming to continue to listen to her not listen to you.

What if it went like this instead:

Mom: How's the kids?

Me: They're great, we just started soccer--

Mom: Did you get that catalog I sent you? I really want you to look at it.

Me: We received it yester--

Mom: Guess what! I found this great new recipe for Potato salad! It's very low calorie. I'll send it to you!

Me: Um, the boys don't like potat--

Mom: By the way, tell your husband to email me the pictures of the kids. He promised to email me pictures but I haven't received them.

Me: Which pics are you talk--

Mom: I got a call from your aunt the other day. Boy that grandson of hers is such a brat!

Me: Oops, looks like I gotta go, bye! (*hangs up phone*)

Let's trim down those minutes of not being listened to

[SwanOrnament]

They have zero interest in people other than themselves and obtaining gratification  what ever the relationships is, It doesn’t matter !  I believe they have the capability to spot  an Empath at a thousand miles away as these people are crucial to their survival. So the more you indulge the more they will take.
Thats why it’s impossible to calm them down when in heightened, trigger crisis mode and if you do manage to ‘pull them back onto the boat’ ’ out of harms way, wrap them up give them warm tea, safety and comfort .. before you know it they’ve jumped straight back into their own choppy waters of chaos again and accuse you of abandoning them. They have a serious psychiatric disorder that most families and friends are not trained to deal with. But you can learn what to expect and how best to mange them but more importantly yourself to be able to healthily detach and protect yourself from falling in water with them.

[Methuen]

My uBPD mom has this tendency to ask rapid fire questions and NEVER listen to my responses. Just as I start to answer, she'll fire off another question, completely unrelated to the previous topic. Do your BPDs do this?

Yes.  I'm 62 and she's been like this since I was a child. I've always assumed it was her ADHD.  Her mind and body used to always whirl and never stop moving.  I always thought it was because her brain couldn't focus long enough to actually listen to the answer.

I second Kells76 reply to just go silent. See how long it takes until she notices you're not saying anything. 

Also, my ubpd mom INTERRUPTS conversations with others all the time. My husband thinks it’s to get attention… as soon as she perceives she might not be the center of attention that sends her desperately searching to bring things back to herself ?

Yes. This. Drives. Us. Crazy.  My H is the most polite person and really values coversation etiquette, but after 36 years of marriage and inheriting a MIL who does this ALL THE TIME, he has learned to keep talking right over her instead of politely stopping and letting her override him. 

I truly believe their brains are wired differently than ours.  Us wanting them to actually listen to our responses and "take turns" in conversation (rather than interrupting) is a lost cause.  It ain't gonna happen 'cause they don't have the capacity.  That's kind of where I'm at.  You can't change a dandelion into a daisy.  Wanting it is just a waste of energy.

Strategies like the one Kells suggested are the best approach.  If they aren't getting anything back, and aren't getting attention, it will stop working for them.  Instead, do what works for you:  "gotta go now mom!"

[Pilpel]

You just described my relationship with my mother.  My mom has some BPD traits.  Particularly a high sense of victimhood, need for attention, and dwelling on past wrongs obsessively.  I hated going anywhere with her because she could talk for hours about whatever was on her mind, without giving others a chance.  Or if she started talking about her experiences with the war, she would become almost manic and it's like she had a litany, an exact order of events that she had to retell from beginning to end.  And a well-meaning person she was talking at was not allowed to say, "I need to go now" until she was done.  It was very weird. 

[Pilpel]

BTW, my mom is in her mid-90s now.  She has some mild dementia, and it's been getting progressively worse the past few months.  I realize it's considered normal for people to lose their memory.  But I really think her tendency to ruminate manically over negative experiences, which has lead to frequent periods of depression throughout her life, damaged her brain. 

[CC43]

. . . her tendency to ruminate manically over negative experiences, which has lead to frequent periods of depression throughout her life, damaged her brain . . .

Oh that is a perfect description of what afflicts the pwBPD in my life.  It's as if the constant rumination works to exercise and strengthen the negativity "muscle" in her brain, so much so that the positive parts of the brain atrophy.  Flexing the negative thinking muscle then becomes the default, as it's easier and more natural for her, and perversely comforting.  She can't bear to see someone else be happy, or acknowledge that the day was just OK, so she has to change her thinking to something morose.

[Brace4Tsunami]

Wow, yes & my NPD dad is even worse. I actually dont think i get in that many words with him til he's onto his next thought. Trying to finish the answer just makes it worse.

[Methuen]

It's as if the constant rumination works to exercise and strengthen the negativity "muscle" in her brain, so much so that the positive parts of the brain atrophy.  Flexing the negative thinking muscle then becomes the default, as it's easier and more natural for her, and perversely comforting.

This is so interesting. It fits.

I once was at mom’s house, and her attending friend actually reminded her to think positive thoughts. To add to my surprise, mom’s body language implied this was a “reminder “ to her (ie not something that comes natural), and she just stayed quiet momentarily. This whole short interaction with her friend made quite an impression on me.

[Pilpel]

Oh that is a perfect description of what afflicts the pwBPD in my life.  It's as if the constant rumination works to exercise and strengthen the negativity "muscle" in her brain, so much so that the positive parts of the brain atrophy.  Flexing the negative thinking muscle then becomes the default, as it's easier and more natural for her, and perversely comforting.  She can't bear to see someone else be happy, or acknowledge that the day was just OK, so she has to change her thinking to something morose.

The negativity seemed like a type of social currency to my mom, too.  Like when I was growing up, she was constantly on the phone with relatives across state or relatives in Germany.  And she would describe rather normal things in the most dramatic terms.  "Pilpel was so weak and shaky." "Pilpel almost had a nervous breakdown." 

Years later, when I gave birth to my son, and he had to stay in the NICU for a week, she wanted to stay with us for a few weeks and help out.  My mom was looking forward to staying with us and helping out.  And when she helps out, she really is great at helping out.  She thrives off of helping others.  But there was nothing for her to do that first week.  And she started falling back on her negativity.  And kept fretting about "how will you pay for this?" .... as if insurance never existed.  I had lived away from her for a while at that point.  And I realized that, even though it was a difficult time for me, I never liked to cry in front of her about it, because I could only image her calling all her relatives and over-dramatizing everything to make me sound weak and unstable.  I called up my dad at one point, frustrated, and just saying "Yeah, what I'm dealing with is hard and scary.  But why does mom only worry about the negative.  Why can't she encourage me, and tell me that I'm strong and capable?" 

It was a moment of realization for me.  I struggled quite a bit with anxiety and depression most of my life up until that point. And I realized, oh, and this was my upbringing, a mom that sort of fed off the weakness of her kids, rather than encouraging them to be strong and brave. 

[Methuen]

The negativity seemed like a type of social currency to my mom, too.  Like when I was growing up, she was constantly on the phone with relatives across state or relatives in Germany.  And she would describe rather normal things in the most dramatic terms.  "Pilpel was so weak and shaky." "Pilpel almost had a nervous breakdown." 

Social currency is such an apt and accurate description of it.  This too is such a fit.  When one of mom's elderly friends is sick with something pretty normal, she relays it to me as if it's catastrophic and they are near death.

The social currency part makes me think of news media always reporting on the negative stuff.  It's what garners the most attention and viewers. Sad.

As I am 61, and after a lifetime of mom's negativity and catastrophizing, I don't believe anything that comes out of her mouth anymore, because there is no way to tell the difference between truth and fiction.

[Notwendy]

They have zero interest in people other than themselves and obtaining gratification  what ever the relationships is, It doesn’t matter !  I believe they have the capability to spot  an Empath at a thousand miles away as these people are crucial to their survival. So the more you indulge the more they will take.
Thats why it’s impossible to calm them down when in heightened, trigger crisis mode and if you do manage to ‘pull them back onto the boat’ ’ out of harms way, wrap them up give them warm tea, safety and comfort .. before you know it they’ve jumped straight back into their own choppy waters of chaos again and accuse you of abandoning them. They have a serious psychiatric disorder that most families and friends are not trained to deal with. But you can learn what to expect and how best to mange them but more importantly yourself to be able to healthily detach and protect yourself from falling in water with them.

That is my mother! If someone is an empath-she will take as much as she can.

This thread has made me think of something- whenever my H asks me a question, I freeze and am afraid to answer. This is because if there's one error, or BPD mother misunderstands, then that makes me a liar. I can tell her something and then she might say "she never heard that" or "nobody told me" or the favorite "that is not how I heard it" which means whatever you say she can "hear" it however she wants to!

Her latest is that she says she can't read her bank balance off her phone so she asks me to. However, if there are any outstanding checks, the balance could change. Lately, she will ask questions and insist on writing down the answer. With the bank balance she wants to know exactly and I can't tell exactly as some checks may not be cashed yet.

She has zero interest in me. She just wants information for her own purposes.

[Notwendy]

I am not afraid of my H- it's that if anyone asks questions I get nervous and I think it's because of BPD mother's questions.

[Notwendy]

I wish we had the edit feature back as I wanted to add that my H senses my distress over questions and I didn't know why but I think it's from growing up with BPD mother and being afraid that any answer is written in stone and turned into doing something wrong to her.

[Methuen]

I wish we had the edit feature back as I wanted to add that my H senses my distress over questions and I didn't know why but I think it's from growing up with BPD mother and being afraid that any answer is written in stone and turned into doing something wrong to her.

I second wanting the edit feature back. 

My mom is also like this.  Very rigid.  It is a bad idea to tell her in advance when I'm coming, because if I'm late, or I have to change the time, she's suspicious or it can become a VERY BIG COMPLICATED DEAL.  So now I just drop in unannounced, and since I have gone LC (for me it averages once/wk), this seems to work.  She often has things "lined up" to ask me, or for me to do.  But before this, "changing" a plan just became too much of a problem.  Eg..."But you said..." and then the guilt trip would come. 

I also appreciate that you said:

This thread has made me think of something- whenever my H asks me a question, I freeze and am afraid to answer.

  I can relate and I'll bet most of us can. Although I don't freeze so much when my H asks me something, I always freeze anytime anyone inquires about my mom. It doesn't matter if it's an intimate friend or a distant acquaintance or I hardly know, or a family member.  It just goes to show how "conditioned" we were/are to being fearful of our mothers... and how we learned to watch what we say because the consequences could be severe.  And how even when we are in a safe environment all these years later (with your husband or my friend), we still have the "freeze" and fear response. 

I think you have raised such an important point here NW.  I am constantly looking for ways to grow and move forward and get past all the fleas holding me back.  I think this conditioned response is something I will bring up with my T.  I just don't know how we "unlearn" that response since it seems to be drilled into our nervous system.  It's a problem for me, because in a small town, everyone likes to ask about her, and I know they can see the "freeze" on me, but they don't know what it means.  The freeze (autonomic fear) response is hard on me, as I'm guessing it is for anyone.  Fleas.  I don't know who mentioned fleas on another thread, but I've borrowed the word because it just fits so well. 

[kells76]

(  In September 2023, the site was hacked. No personal data was exposed, but the hack impacted the "bones" of the site -- a lot of functionality. Even though the "edit" button for general members sounds like a simple feature, it was impacted at such a level that it will be a long and complicated process to get it back up. If you ever need assistance with editing a post, don't hesitate to PM a staff member and we can help. Sorry it's been such a hassle)

[Notwendy]

Hi Kells, I know all the admins are doing the best they can. Sometimes when I post and re-read it- I see where the message is not as clear or there's a typo but mostly it's fine.

Methuen, yes, I try to not make BPD mother the reason for all my reactions but it's been interesting since my contact with her has been more frequent as she's aged to see my reactions and see if I have them in other situations.

It's been frustrating to have the more frequent contact but it's also been a learning experience for me as it's put some things in perspective. I think being at a distance is a significant boundary. I know how difficult it must be for you to be near your mother. The need, the demands, it seems that as soon as she's settled in one situation, she starts on something else. It's oddly predictable though and somehow, I feel less emotionally reactive to her as I can see her behavior patterns.