Do (or did) you have a hard time keeping them in school?

[BioAdoptMom3]

Our DD is 14 and just started HS this year.  I have noticed over the past few years it is getting harder and harder to keep her in school without an absence about once every other week.  It is always something - her recent hurt foot (torn tendon which caused her too much pain to remain at school but not enough to prevent her from wanting to get her phone fixed at the AT&T store, wanting to see a friend that night, etc.), a bad headache, a stomachache, sore throat and of course recent short term hospitalizations for severe depression and/or eating disorders.  How do or did you handle this?  In our case and probably most of yours if this was a problem, it is not related to academics.  She is gifted and has excellent grades, is a superior band student, loves ROTC, etc. Not allowing her to do fun things, see friends on evenings where she has missed school, confiscating her phone for the day, etc. have not seemed to help.  Suggestions?  Empathy?

Thanks!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

My DD is currently on homebound instruction after being suspended several times last year for insubordination to staff members, premeditated verbal assault with the intent for physical, etc. Basically the principal does not want her in the school, which is 100% understandable. They gave her the option of computer based studies or a tutor.  But because an adult couldn't be present (DH and I both work), we had to go with the computer based one. DD hasn't even done that. She is required to put in 2 hours a day (10 hours total a weel) and is way behind. Now part of that is because the internet connection sometimes doesn't work, partly because my DD is lazy and partly because my DD has no concept of time. 20 minutes seems like an hour or two to her I've come to realize.

So with DD's protest, I requested we now go tutor based (my mom is living with us now) so that my DD can get some sort of education. She is fighting me on this saying she is going to drop out, etc. But I know that once the tutor starts coming, she will adjust. Ok, I'm hoping she will.

When I got full custody of DD, she had to switch schools because her father lives in PA and I live in NJ (but only 30 minutes away). Prior to that, because we shared 50/50, she went to school in PA where she had gone. So she left her friends and school to come with me. So that was a huge adjustment. However, even at her old school in PA, she got suspended numerous times for fighting, cutting classes, etc. So there really wasn't too much of a difference in that respect. She wanted to go to an alternative school with some of her partners in crime and tried to push the school in that respect up until she had to change schools.  She had a hard adjustment at her new school (she was in grade school at that time). We live in an upscale neighborhood and it was a bit of a culture shock for DD who while she looks like a cheerleader, has a tough girl (not mean) attitude. We lived in the supburbs of PA but she told everyone she lived in the ghetto. . Everyone in NJ was/is afraid of her.

Anyway, I feel ya. We want our kids to get a decent and proper education and we are met with resistance and obsticles to get them there. So while I have no real advice and our situation are a bit different, I do empathize!

[MammaMia]

Oh yes.  For my dBPDs school was a waste of his time.  Eventually he ended up in "alternate school" due to lack of attendance.  I would drop him off at the front door of the school, and he would go in and out the back door.

He did graduate from HS, but realizes now how he messed up his life. 

He was "bored", hated all the other kids and having to "fit in".  He is very intelligent and absorbs information like a sponge.  Also went to college twice and did very well but dropped out after first semester. 

My son excels at anything that keeps his interest.    He needs to be challenged... .but on his own terms.   He is a Steve Jobs kind-of-guy.

This is VERY typical of pwBPD.

[raytamtay3]

Yup. My DD is very smart too. Academically and street wise.

She has been described by more than one teacher that she is a natural born leader who needs to use her power for good and not evil.

[muffetbuffet]

We have had trouble with 16 yr old DD for the past few years with school.  She always has a stomach ache, headache, etc.  Any minor illness turns out to be a major incident.  Not sure how many trips we have made to the dr to find out it was just a virus.  Anyhow, our trick to getting her to school has been working with the school including the truancy officer.  DD has a contract with the officer that she will attend school on a daily basis unless she has permission and when given that permission I have to call the officer to let her know in advance of an absence.  The officer meets once a week with DD to "check in".  All of this has helped greatly.  Believe me, we still have our struggles with attendance, but not as bad as it was.  Unfortunately, all of this has come about because DD has missed so many days this year without an excuse from us that if she misses one more day we are being taken to the magistate for fines and potential charges.  We have been assured by the school that since we have been more than cooperative with the school that all charges will be dropped against us and it will be placed against our DD.  This could result in fines, community service, removal from the home, all depends on how far things have to go. 

Hang in there.  One day at a time. 

[Kate4queen]

Yes. very hard to keep them in school.

My son decided at the end of his junior school to mention that he wasn't going back to school. We had to scramble really hard to persuade him to go to an independent high school which allowed him to complete his education with a one hour a week attendance to see a tutor and a home lesson plan.

He graduated with a 3.5 GPA

Two years ago he was basically told he would get a place at Berkley, given special tutoring and help and blew it all away this year refusing to return to community college to finish up his AA even though I offered to pay all the costs and has just sat around for 6 months…

Such an incredibly clever boy as well but he can't stick at it.

[jellibeans]

Yes my dd16 has never liked school... .not even kindergarten! Yes she has all the illnesses that you can imagine... .forcing herself to throw up so she can come home... .fainting... .you name it.

After being cyber bullied in SO year we put her in a small private school. Thought this would help but it started a downward turn that sent us on a wild ride. She managed to pass even though she had been hospitalized many times with countless overdoses. So she is at a new school this year. She is making it although it has been painful to watch at times. We have just really stepped back and I have not constantly pointed out she was failing one thing or another. (my daughter is not gifted... .she has many learning difficulties... .school is hard) Since she is driving now we have told her if she is not passing all her subjects at report time then we will take the car away and I will drive her to school until her grades improve. Surprisingly her grades always seem to turn around by report time.

We have set our expectations for her... .she is to finish highschool... .one way or another. We just remain very firm about this and don't argue about it. She recently told us she doesn't like her new school and wants to be homeschooled. That would surely kill me! I really couldn't take the stress and I know she would not do her work. Our school district has another option call success academy where the students only go to school for part of the day and there load is reduced... .it is possible to recover failed courses and to graduate early. That will be our next step if she continues to struggle at this school.

I found what helps is if she try to skip school there is always a consequence... .I have even called the police on her several times. It is important that she knows it is her job to go to school and if she doesn't we will report her to the school, police or who ever we can. That is the only thing that has helped us.

I am not sure what she will do after high school... .I am hoping she will find something that interest her. If not she will have to get a job and pay us rent to live here. My husband worries that she will never leave or be able to support herself... .these are real concerns. It really isn't high school that concerns me... .it is after high school when she is an adult... .scary times for sure!