Anyone get tempted to stick their hand back in the fire?

[Octoberfest]

It has been 7 months since I broke up with my BPDex for the last time.  3.5 months since I blocked her number/last talked to her.  I went through 2-3 months of therapy and the most severe depression I have ever had because of her, but now I consider myself to be clear of her by and large (we dated/knew each other for 9 months).  I had the odd desire today to look her up and I even thought about (as in merely imagined, not seriously considered) getting back into contact with her... .and I am now asking why. 

The last time I talked to my BPDex I had not been in contact with her for a month, and then drunk one night in mid July we had a 2 hour phone call and caught up on things.  After that we continued to text for a few days... .and while the initial phone call had been nice/normal even, the texting quickly turned nasty.  It became apparent very quickly that nothing positive was coming from it or going to come from it, so I stopped.  I made a post on here back when this happened concerning what happened next- I went on a weekend trip to my college town (I was home for the summer) to party and see friends who had stayed for the summer, and she texted me asking to come over and party with us.  I told her no of course.  Early that night a few of my older friends went into the bar where she had gotten a job bartending and she told a few of them that she was engaged to a guy she had known for 2 months (the guy she was cheating on me with at the end).  She did NOT tell a few others who were there.  Later that night my friends came up to me and told me that she had said she was engaged and that really sent me off the deep end.  A lot of drinking and a few drunk texts later, she replies "Haha, I was wondering what would and wouldn't get back to you".  Given what happened that night, and how things progressed in the months after, she had lied completely about being engaged simply because she knew it would get back to me and bug me.  I blocked her number the next morning, really upset that she had managed to ruin my weekend trip.

So I know that nothing good would come from contact, even if I had an initial curiosity for some reason. She moved back to her hometown and in with her parents after telling many she was leaving town to go to a different town to seek treatment for cancer (which her brother confirmed was BS when I asked him). 

Sure is frustrating... .I think it must be the part of me that is wounded still... .that for some reason thinks she could provide me with the healing that I still need.  It is just very bizarre to have gotten so far out and survived depression I didn't believe I would and still be curious and to think about sticking my hand back in the fire.

[Ironmanrises]

The lack of real closure is probably/most likely behind you wanting to stick your hand back into the fire. And that is totally understandable. You want it to make sense. You need it to make sense. I get that. I get the same urges. So far i have stopped myself.

[Octoberfest]

The lack of real closure is probably/most likely behind you wanting to stick your hand back into the fire. And that is totally understandable. You want it to make sense. You need it to make sense. I get that. I get the same urges. So far i have stopped myself.

And the really sad and frustrating part is that our BPDex's aren't capable of giving us the closure that we NEED.  That we crave.

More and more I am finding that my mind is my greatest adversary. It fools me into thinking that people are different than they really are... .That my BPDex could provide me with the love and respect that I wanted from her... .In more recent situations, that a girl who broke things off with me is a lot greater (meaning I would be missing out) than she really is, etc... .

[Ironmanrises]

That lack of closure is huge. For me, i had to review all my previous relationships prior to my exUBPDgf, and all of them(even the ones where i was dumped), all had one common denominator, that is, closure. Whether i wanted to accept that person breaking up with me or not, those exes in my case, showed me in a respectable/honorable way, that we were better off going our separate ways. There was no coming back. And then leaving again. And coming back once again. And so on. I totally understand what you are referring too. It hurts.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

That lack of closure is huge. For me, i had to review all my previous relationships prior to my exUBPDgf, and all of them(even the ones where i was dumped), all had one common denominator, that is, closure. Whether i wanted to accept that person breaking up with me or not, those exes in my case, showed me in a respectable/honorable way, that we were better off going our separate ways. There was no coming back. And then leaving again. And coming back once again. And so on. I totally understand what you are referring too. It hurts.

I was think about this same thing today almost word for word.

As much as the cheating and all the other terrible treatment hurt like hell. I was thinking that what hurts the most is the lack of respect of just treating me like a human being and ending it properly or even at all. Not just basically disappearing. ( which by the way if he did I probably would never have even known about his cheating and told his family because I wouldn't have gone into investigation mode).

I mean what would it have taken him? Ten more minutes out of his life to say good bye to prevent months of pain? I know the answers to all this but it is still mind boggling and what really messes with the head and heart.

I think one reason they don't give closure is because they know it keeps us hanging on. They don't want us to forget. ... Oh and then they might have to answer questions of the things they have been hiding.

Ahhh. No closure is the worst thing ever.

[Ironmanrises]

That lack of closure is huge. For me, i had to review all my previous relationships prior to my exUBPDgf, and all of them(even the ones where i was dumped), all had one common denominator, that is, closure. Whether i wanted to accept that person breaking up with me or not, those exes in my case, showed me in a respectable/honorable way, that we were better off going our separate ways. There was no coming back. And then leaving again. And coming back once again. And so on. I totally understand what you are referring too. It hurts.

I was think about this same thing today almost word for word.

As much as the cheating and all the other terrible treatment hurt like hell. I was thinking that what hurts the most is the lack of respect of just treating me like a human being and ending it properly or even at all. Not just basically disappearing. ( which by the way if he did I probably would never have even known about his cheating and told his family because I wouldn't have gone into investigation mode).

I mean what would it have taken him? Ten more minutes out of his life to say good bye to prevent months of pain? I know the answers to all this but it is still mind boggling and what really messes with the head and heart.

I think one reason they don't give closure is because they know it keeps us hanging on. They don't want us to forget. ... Oh and then they might have to answer questions of the things they have been hiding.

Ahhh. No closure is the worst thing ever.

Plus, no closure from my exUBPDgf, means she doesnt have to self reflect on her actions and subsequent consequences that have and are still affecting me. In my case, she initiated the relationship in round 1, then discarded me. Came back 3 months later to reinitiate the relationship in round 2("i want MY man back" her words), and then discards me, AGAIN. She does not want to self reflect on any of that. And i have to pay the consequences for that.

[thisyoungdad]

I do have that urge, although farther and farther between the urges these days. Almost always though it is related to something like the holidays where I forget how nuts things are which they are at the moment. The last time I was telling a friend I was missing her and a small part of me was still a tiny bit wishing we could get back together, later that day things went farther south and I realized in a span of maybe 4 hours why I am glad we are not together. Although the thought wants to come in that if we were she wouldn't treat me this way but really she would, because she did although more subtle. For me I know it is a lack of closure that prompts those moments. Over the course of the past 15 months though they are farther apart and less intense and the only thing for me personally that could have gotten me to that point was time and distance.

[snappafcw]

Its times like these I am so greatful for this community.

I'm almost 11 months out. Seen her social media probably once or twice the whole year tops, Last got an email from her in june when she re-engaged just to say I hope you are happy and you don't hate me. Also found out she has been stalking me on facebook etc.

I think the nightmares/PTSD has come back for me due to the lack of closure. I beat myself up. I know i didn't deserve any of how she treated me now that I am out of the fog but I still feel so low that someone I loved and knew for a long time could just throw me away like trash and not even care how I am in a tough time. Its very hard not to let that reflect my value as a person and I really wish she wasn't disordered and would email me something along the lines of "you were a good boyfriend sorry it didn't work out" But I will never get that. Hopefully you guys might but its not likely so onwards one day at a time. It sucks.

[letmeout]

I always get the nostalgic memories this time of year. A desire to go back with the hope that the BPD has been eradicated somehow!

Then I make myself remember the most horrible things that he said and did. That always brings me back to reality; he will always have BPD and closure isn't possible.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

Its times like these I am so greatful for this community.

I'm almost 11 months out. Seen her social media probably once or twice the whole year tops, Last got an email from her in june when she re-engaged just to say I hope you are happy and you don't hate me. Also found out she has been stalking me on facebook etc.

I think the nightmares/PTSD has come back for me due to the lack of closure. I beat myself up. I know i didn't deserve any of how she treated me now that I am out of the fog but I still feel so low that someone I loved and knew for a long time could just throw me away like trash and not even care how I am in a tough time. Its very hard not to let that reflect my value as a person and I really wish she wasn't disordered and would email me something along the lines of "you were a good boyfriend sorry it didn't work out" But I will never get that. Hopefully you guys might but its not likely so onwards one day at a time. It sucks.

Snappafcw,

Your words made me well up and resonated with me. I feel for you so much because I know exactly what you mean.  It's impossible to not feel so deeply hurt and wounded that someone you gave your love, patience, kindness, time to... .Throws you away like trash. Even if we know why it still hurts like hell. If I could only hear those simple words so much pain would go away. My boyfriend used to tell me " no one has ever treated me better than you" among all the other things he told me. But he left anyway. Who does that?

I know it's not the same but by your words I can tell how loving and compassionate you are and am quite sure you were a really really good boyfriend. I'm sorry you will probably never hear her say that. You do deserve that. Somewhere deep down I think they do think about that though.

It really does suck!

[Pretty Woman]

Ironman,

   That's the key word: respect.  There is no respect in a BPD relationship no mutual respect.

I talk to my ex boyfriend and we had a bad falling out.  But time and a marriage/divorce in between (he was married) we both have grown. We were in our 20's then.

He was shocked I put up with this treatment from the current ex. Can't believe I would ever allow it, this is not the woman he knows. 

I know I will never take my BPD ex back. The trust is irretrievably broken and her multiple attempts to recycle her exes during our time together was deplorable. 

[Pretty Woman]

Ironman, 

Don't beat yourself up. 

Two rounds. 

Sometime I think... .you know my ex told me I was the worst girlfriend ever, that I treated her like dirt. 

Well why come back six times?

We all make mistakes but this is her not you. 

[allweareisallweare]

Ironmanfalls, you're right, that's the hardest part - no closure. Until this day (and til the day I day therefore, sometimes I think, you know... .sooner the better) I will never get closure. I am not prepared to break 3 months and counting NC to get that, even swipe at getting that because it's apparent that I wouldn't get no sense or empathy from the DIAGNOSEBPDex - I mean, what exactly do I mean by closure? I recognise it so much as relevant and important because I feel this hole and this void - how, honestly, can a human being justify such disruptive behavior? If they tried to, four months on, from replacing me unceremoniously due, no doubt, to a massive BPD surge, I'd be surprised. An apology wouldn't make any difference to me. An explanation of the feelings and emotions felt by the ex this far down the line my help, but it's too late. Maybe I'll have to face that such actions entailed a lack of closure, explanation etc

The only barrier I have is to keep up NC - it's hard because there are days where I think "I'm three months in I think this." and feel like emailing her that, but that would just be an expense of emotional strength, it would fall on deaf ears, hence I keep my hands waaayyy out of the fire.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

Ironmanfalls, you're right, that's the hardest part - no closure. Until this day (and til the day I day therefore, sometimes I think, you know... .sooner the better) I will never get closure. I am not prepared to break 3 months and counting NC to get that, even swipe at getting that because it's apparent that I wouldn't get no sense or empathy from the DIAGNOSEBPDex - I mean, what exactly do I mean by closure? I recognise it so much as relevant and important because I feel this hole and this void - how, honestly, can a human being justify such disruptive behavior? If they tried to, four months on, from replacing me unceremoniously due, no doubt, to a massive BPD surge, I'd be surprised. An apology wouldn't make any difference to me. An explanation of the feelings and emotions felt by the ex this far down the line my help, but it's too late. Maybe I'll have to face that such actions entailed a lack of closure, explanation etc

The only barrier I have is to keep up NC - it's hard because there are days where I think "I'm three months in I think this." and feel like emailing her that, but that would just be an expense of emotional strength, it would fall on deaf ears, hence I keep my hands waaayyy out of the fire.

A MASSIVE BPD SURGE!

This sums up succinctly exactly what I've seen happen.

It's like a titlewave out of nowhere. It's obviously building steam out there where we can't see it so we are taken by surprise. Yes There are signs (some we may not even be aware of) but we do not recognize then as being capable of such massive and complete destruction and so darn quickly!   I think maybe i thought there would just be a series of thunderstorms that's would pass periodically that I could weather. Obviously not healthy but how I think I became conditioned to think in the fog and easier to see now that I am out and understand BPD better.

[Phoenix.Rising]

I understand the temptation, but closure has to come from US.  WE make that decision.  We take responsibility.  See the difference?

Read over some of the struggles on the Staying Board.  Is that the kind of relationship you want?  If so, 'stick your hand back in the fire'.

Peace to you.

[allweareisallweare]

Phoenix, you're one away from 1000 posts! 

Yeah, what I mean by BPD surge is that ... .changes, responsibility, upheaval, I don't think my ex could have dealt with it, she made a fatal (for the relationship) choice to move to a neighboring country for a new job - and that's when the surge occured IMO because that's when I was replaced (I strongly don't think that rebound lasted, there are telling signals from hat I dared to glean) and I think it was all about wriggling away from the responsibility, letting her mother down etc by saying: "Hey, support me, I've broke up with Allweare, I've got this new rebound," because I don't think she lasted in the job either. The stress and pressure got to her, hence the BPD surge- tsunami, in fact.   

[Jbt857]

I think the nightmares/PTSD has come back for me due to the lack of closure. I beat myself up. I know i didn't deserve any of how she treated me now that I am out of the fog but I still feel so low that someone I loved and knew for a long time could just throw me away like trash and not even care how I am in a tough time.

That's where I am too. Nine months on and I have literally wasted the whole day ruminating like it was yesterday. That I was his wife of almost a decade, sacrificed so much for him, and have been whitewashed out of his like, as if I never existed cuts me to the core.  :'(

[Tincanmike]

Ahhh the temptation. I know it well. Even minor contact though, for whatever reason it might be (divorce affairs, money, etc.) will lead to emotional pain.  "I called to tell you that I can't afford the divorce until after the holidays, oh and by the way, I'm moving in with this guy." Yeah, I already knew that.  And yet she just had to add that at the end of the message. She wasn't calling about the divorce per se. She was calling to let me know she's moving in with this guy.  Is she purposefully doing this to hurt me? Maybe. Or maybe she just doesn't have any idea how her actions and behaviors since we broke up are hurting me? Probably not. She loves the fact and thinks that I will always be here for her, no matter what she does. If he put up with me all this time, he will continue to do so. This is where you have to draw the line.

I tried to help, fix, rescue her for 8 years. I tolerated all kinds of inappropriate behavior for 8 years. Until they truly commit to themselves the help they need, unfortunately it seems things will not change. The cycle will come around again, you will be hurt again, and maybe even more so. It's truly hard to believe that after all the things we've gone through together, that she can be so cold and impersonal.  But she's only thinking of herself. Something I need to start doing.   Keep your hand out of the fire. I know it's tempting, but what you seek is unattainable. They always have an ulterior motive.

[charred]

I miss the excitement, but it was way too toxic to live with.

Its been about 16 months since I saw my pwBPD... and I miss the intensity of the r/s... .but little else. After 7-8 recycles... my hopes bottomed out and I accepted it was never going to work. Being the one to end it helped a bit... but recovering has been what I am concentrating on. Just in the last month I have started to feel motivated again (finally)... was depressed, and seemed to lack goals.

Dated another gal for a while (non-BPD) and it was very pleasant, but non electic... started pursuing an r/s and then asked exwife (non-BPD) if she was shure we were done... and she had a bit of a breakdown and admitted she wanted us back together as a family... and we have been dating since.

Its normal and okay... doesn't have the toxic intensity, but its real.

I am still working on my issues, that will be a forever project I think.

Ran across a gal I had big sparks with about 4 months ago... and saw   , and for first time... kept my distance. (It was at work.) Next thing I am hearing from people is "she is nuts"... and she starts telling me about her most recent 3 ex-husbands... and she was removed from the project as the customer told us they thought she was "a flake."  I believe I dodged a bullet. I don't regret avoiding the insanity, but it was a very pretty bullet.  

[Perfidy]

I read a lot about closure in this thread and would like to make a comment about it. It's sort of sad for me in that I am finally gaining some closure. It's sad because I am giving it to my self. Like the entire relationship with her... .Lopsided. She is quick becoming a phantom from my past that seeps into my now. I am seeing all of my anxiety as a result of something that isn't real. The past isn't real. It is only a memory. It wasn't imagined but it isn't real now,and it isn't anything to be afraid of now. I am gaining more inner peace and doing it on my own just like everything else in my life. She had no power over me. I gave it to her. I take that power back and use it now for my own good. The person that I let hurt me isn't in my life now and she can't hurt me anymore. That is the sweetest feeling. I can live with that. The end.

[Jbt857]

Ahhh the temptation. I know it well. Even minor contact though, for whatever reason it might be (divorce affairs, money, etc.) will lead to emotional pain.  "I called to tell you that I can't afford the divorce until after the holidays, oh and by the way, I'm moving in with this guy." Yeah, I already knew that.  And yet she just had to add that at the end of the message. She wasn't calling about the divorce per se. She was calling to let me know she's moving in with this guy.  Is she purposefully doing this to hurt me? Maybe. Or maybe she just doesn't have any idea how her actions and behaviors since we broke up are hurting me? Probably not. She loves the fact and thinks that I will always be here for her, no matter what she does. If he put up with me all this time, he will continue to do so. This is where you have to draw the line.

Tinacan, I almost envy you. I know I shouldn't, but at least you have some kind of validation that you still matter, however disordered.

Mine left his stuff in our home, left the divorce to me. He is nc - it's me that has to reach out to him to sort those practical things. I get told how ___ty his life is to guilt trip me, but no more than that now, although I know I have been replaced.

Ten years of marriage and it's like I never existed to him. All the practicalities weighing on my shoulders, not his.

I know how damaging that kind of contact must be, but if wonder how damaged I am that I'd at least feel validated in some way by having that.

Rough day here.

[Turkish]

The lack of real closure is probably/most likely behind you wanting to stick your hand back into the fire. And that is totally understandable. You want it to make sense. You need it to make sense. I get that. I get the same urges. So far i have stopped myself.

And the really sad and frustrating part is that our BPDex's aren't capable of giving us the closure that we NEED.  That  we crave.

like most,  mine's was, " well,  we had a good six year run!"

Messed up.  who  NORMAL  says something like that?

I  was tempted to check her FB  the other day,  but she blocks it publicly (I blocked her over a month ago). I  could check through a mutual friend on my side,  but that would only " gain"  me mute bad feelings.  Let's hang in there  Octoberfest... .

[santa]

Sometimes I think about it.

Truthfully though, I'm sure it would be a bad idea. One night I was praying and whatever conscious or "God" was like, "if you really want her to come back, just ask and I'll do it", and I was like, "No."

So, whatever disappointment I have about the relationship or occasional pity party, realistically, I know that I don't actually want her back.

[myself]

Stuck it in and got burned, pulled it out red hot. Stuck it back in still smoking. Both hands, both feet, so many times I lost count. Typing this with my nose.

[letmeout]

I take that power back and use it now for my own good. The person that I let hurt me isn't in my life now and she can't hurt me anymore. That is the sweetest feeling. I can live with that. The end.

Well put!

[bb12]

We do not get the same sense of closure with a BPD break-up because they are not looking for a win: win outcome. They need to paint you black and talk themselves into hating you (splitting) so as to avoid looking at their shortcomings. I believe they also need to ensure we don't forget them, so will try for permanent supply where possible. This could be from a rage episode or more passive-aggressive ways of instilling fear. Even the very act of doing something non-sensical can get our logical minds stuck. They become a permanent riddle: an anomaly amongst our many other lovely, civilised, adult, mutually respectful break-ups.

The absense of closure for me has been tortuous. 2 years out, I can still crave it. But then I look at how much I have learned about people, life, myself because of its absence - and suddenly zero closure is ok... .even preferred

Bb12

[maxen]

More and more I am finding that my mind is my greatest adversary. It fools me into thinking that people are different than they really are... .That my BPDex could provide me with the love and respect that I wanted from her... .In more recent situations, that a girl who broke things off with me is a lot greater (meaning I would be missing out) than she really is, etc... .

this is a really big stumbling block for me too. it's very hard for me to admit to myself that i just don't know what the texture is of my w's new relationship, that maybe it's not a bliss; that she could have, as you say Octoberfest, provided me with the love and respect, and reliability and support, that i wanted but which she never actually showed; that she is different, somehow, from the way she really was for the nine years we were together; that she is above simple morality and is somehow justified in her deceit and infidelity. there must be something in the trauma B/NPD breakups cause that deranges our thinking. my T has frequently alluded to the physiology of this.

[Traumatized]

Stuck it in, got burned, pulled it out.  Stuck it in, got burned, pulled it out.  Stuck it in, got burned, pulled it out, etc. etc...   For some reason I REFUSE to learn my lesson.  Either I'm too stupid or a glutton for punishment.  Probably both.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Stuck it in and got burned, pulled it out red hot. Stuck it back in still smoking. Both hands, both feet, so many times I lost count. Typing this with my nose.

At least your nose and sense of humor are still in tact!