What to do after the 10 year long rollercoaster ride

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello All,

It's been a long rollercoaster ride for me. I helped the my BPDgf to discover that she had it 6 years ago by introducing her to therapy. We had been dating for 5 years off and on at that point. (2007) It was hell when she would dump me seasonally - and heaven when she would come back as soon as I found an interest in anyone else. But I always went back to her because she was the most awesome and entertaining woman that I had (and still have) ever known.   I really miss her. When she wasn't overattached and draining OR depressed and isolated... .it was just the most memorable time of my life with any woman.   I have dated over a dozen women.   But they all seem boring compared to her in retrospect. Many of them I dated before her. She was intelligent, cute, funny, and just my type.

Finally I went abroad and we mutually broke up (2007). I had another relationship when abroad in Asia, but it just wasn't the same. So I left my new relationship in order to get back together with the BPDGF, who came to visit me (2008). Then I went back home and the BPDGF split (got depressed, then devalued me) after I got busy with college and had some friendly contact with the Asian ex, and she just completely ignored me for 4 months without closure. Finally after taking care of finals that term I went to the hospital for sleep deprivation, anxiety, and depression. Upon getting out, I went to the BPDGF's work and got dumped in person, as I sought closure. (2009)  :'(

Months later, the once again ex-BPDgf invited me to a concert and then made love.   Then we decided to be friends.   We were successfully friends for several years. (2009-2012) I went back to Asia for work   and we remained friends. I provided years of advice and support over the phone/videophone while she attended therapy/treatments. (2010-2012)

She came to visit me and we once again had romantic relations (2012). It was like a honeymoon and I dreamt of going back home to see her. It wasn't just excitement... I felt like we were mutually respecting each other for once. The visit created some of the best memories of my life.  

She sent me letters saying that we were meant for each other / etc., but we both agreed that we would take some time to get therapy etc., I was going to save money so that I could support the both of us if she ever needed to move in. I wanted to prepare and stay in touch with her WITHOUT BEING CODEPENDENT. So we decided not to be "together" and keep our friendship without being BF/GF. It was rough for me because I was depressed that I wouldn't move back right away to be with her. I stayed out in Asia and kept my high-paying job. (Trying to fight off student debt early and get good savings)

Then randomly last year (2013), she started drinking and going out all the time and got into serious trouble the day after I warned her to stop drinking.   While in rehab for this trouble, she split from me again!  :'( Then, she wouldn't listen to anything when I'd contact her, called me self-centered, and started dating others. Finally I went home for a visit, and she said that I should "move on". She also said that I "kept her from getting better" which is total BS as I was insanely supportive as a friend/BF for years and NOT enabling of her behaviors (I was accidentally not validating about some of her ED behaviors... .but I was trying to get her to eat). I came back to Asia to finish my contract.

Recently she claims that she has a new BF, who I believe is like the "Savior" type that everyone mentions here. He looks eerily like me as well, but has more money and connections to her through her family. I notice her now imitating her ex's behaviors and becoming dependent and overattached. But I wonder if they are as serious as she claims... .it seems like a lie. She has been lying more during the past few years.

So I asked if we could remain friends. We have. It has been hard to avoid being in touch as much as we were, as it is still a long distance thing but she's not as open with me as she was before. She rarely calls or texts. Generally I call or text her. She responds almost immediately. My dream is to just be someone that won't abandon her. I just want to be the one person in the world who remembers her from before she had to suffer from BPD... .before it started hitting her hard in her early 20s. I want to be someone who always has an open door and open ears - even if one of us are with another.

I am trying to keep my self esteem up. I've been asked out on some dates. I went on one but the girl was just not my type. I'm still going to work. I'm taking care of my life and remembering that I'm a positive person who has kept his independence. These issues though are bothering me. My therapist is concerned ("don't get manipulated into feeling guilty or shameful" "don't let her project her problems on you".

I have 6 girls that I am in contact with here (texting etc., no commitment, talking about possibly dating) but none of them are sparking anything with me that says "I should be your GF." I haven't felt the power to really try with them though.

I am thinking of moving back home to the same city with the exBPDGF (where she is probably in Shangri-La with her new BF). She claims that she has really recovered from a lot of the behavior, seemingly, just in time to be done with me. I have a feeling that she is blaming me for what went wrong last year (despite the fact that it was long distance - I only got a little depressed about not being able to move home right away) - when she split... .she claimed that SHE was narcissistic, but it was actually her who got insanely self-centered and wanted to take up time on all of the calls etc., after her substance abuse issues. She was the one who gave up on me. She was the one who got excited over someone new. She said, "I should move on... .partially because of what [she does to me]" as if I am codependent and a pushover. I'm not. I mean, I'm still in love and I feel like it is unfair to new dates when I'm still emotionally attached. So, any advice? Sorry for the novel.  

Does anyone think that her new relationship will last? Should I wait for a new opportunity with the BPDexGF? I mean, I don't mind being friends either as long as I can support her occasionally without feeling like I have to be Mr. Fixit like I used to 7 or 8 years ago. I feel like if we ever had another chance I could stand up for myself this time. The friendship though isn't just a way to stay in touch to reengage.

This is just an overview of an 10+ year long experience for me. I can post more info if you need it. Please give me your advice. So far everyone just calls her "TOXIC"   but she's a human being and one that I love at that.  

[winston3]

Hello All,

It's been a long rollercoaster ride for me. I helped the my BPDgf to discover that she had it 6 years ago by introducing her to therapy. We had been dating for 5 years off and on at that point. (2007) It was hell when she would dump me seasonally - and heaven when she would come back as soon as I found an interest in anyone else. But I always went back to her because she was the most awesome and entertaining woman that I had (and still have) ever known.   I really miss her. When she wasn't overattached and draining OR depressed and isolated... .it was just the most memorable time of my life with any woman.   I have dated over a dozen women.   But they all seem boring compared to her in retrospect. Many of them I dated before her. She was intelligent, cute, funny, and just my type.

Finally I went abroad and we mutually broke up (2007). I had another relationship when abroad in Asia, but it just wasn't the same. So I left my new relationship in order to get back together with the BPDGF, who came to visit me (2008). Then I went back home and the BPDGF split (got depressed, then devalued me) after I got busy with college and had some friendly contact with the Asian ex, and she just completely ignored me for 4 months without closure. Finally after taking care of finals that term I went to the hospital for sleep deprivation, anxiety, and depression. Upon getting out, I went to the BPDGF's work and got dumped in person, as I sought closure. (2009)  :'(

Months later, the once again ex-BPDgf invited me to a concert and then made love.   Then we decided to be friends.   We were successfully friends for several years. (2009-2012) I went back to Asia for work   and we remained friends. I provided years of advice and support over the phone/videophone while she attended therapy/treatments. (2010-2012)

She came to visit me and we once again had romantic relations (2012). It was like a honeymoon and I dreamt of going back home to see her. It wasn't just excitement... I felt like we were mutually respecting each other for once. The visit created some of the best memories of my life.  

She sent me letters saying that we were meant for each other / etc., but we both agreed that we would take some time to get therapy etc., I was going to save money so that I could support the both of us if she ever needed to move in. I wanted to prepare and stay in touch with her WITHOUT BEING CODEPENDENT. So we decided not to be "together" and keep our friendship without being BF/GF. It was rough for me because I was depressed that I wouldn't move back right away to be with her. I stayed out in Asia and kept my high-paying job. (Trying to fight off student debt early and get good savings)

Then randomly last year (2013), she started drinking and going out all the time and got into serious trouble the day after I warned her to stop drinking.   While in rehab for this trouble, she split from me again!  :'( Then, she wouldn't listen to anything when I'd contact her, called me self-centered, and started dating others. Finally I went home for a visit, and she said that I should "move on". She also said that I "kept her from getting better" which is total BS as I was insanely supportive as a friend/BF for years and NOT enabling of her behaviors (I was accidentally not validating about some of her ED behaviors... .but I was trying to get her to eat). I came back to Asia to finish my contract.

Recently she claims that she has a new BF, who I believe is like the "Savior" type that everyone mentions here. He looks eerily like me as well, but has more money and connections to her through her family. I notice her now imitating her ex's behaviors and becoming dependent and overattached. But I wonder if they are as serious as she claims... .it seems like a lie. She has been lying more during the past few years.

So I asked if we could remain friends. We have. It has been hard to avoid being in touch as much as we were, as it is still a long distance thing but she's not as open with me as she was before. She rarely calls or texts. Generally I call or text her. She responds almost immediately. My dream is to just be someone that won't abandon her. I just want to be the one person in the world who remembers her from before she had to suffer from BPD... .before it started hitting her hard in her early 20s. I want to be someone who always has an open door and open ears - even if one of us are with another.

I am trying to keep my self esteem up. I've been asked out on some dates. I went on one but the girl was just not my type. I'm still going to work. I'm taking care of my life and remembering that I'm a positive person who has kept his independence. These issues though are bothering me. My therapist is concerned ("don't get manipulated into feeling guilty or shameful" "don't let her project her problems on you".

I have 6 girls that I am in contact with here (texting etc., no commitment, talking about possibly dating) but none of them are sparking anything with me that says "I should be your GF." I haven't felt the power to really try with them though.

I am thinking of moving back home to the same city with the exBPDGF (where she is probably in Shangri-La with her new BF). She claims that she has really recovered from a lot of the behavior, seemingly, just in time to be done with me. I have a feeling that she is blaming me for what went wrong last year (despite the fact that it was long distance - I only got a little depressed about not being able to move home right away) - when she split... .she claimed that SHE was narcissistic, but it was actually her who got insanely self-centered and wanted to take up time on all of the calls etc., after her substance abuse issues. She was the one who gave up on me. She was the one who got excited over someone new. She said, "I should move on... .partially because of what [she does to me]" as if I am codependent and a pushover. I'm not. I mean, I'm still in love and I feel like it is unfair to new dates when I'm still emotionally attached. So, any advice? Sorry for the novel.  

Does anyone think that her new relationship will last? Should I wait for a new opportunity with the BPDexGF? I mean, I don't mind being friends either as long as I can support her occasionally without feeling like I have to be Mr. Fixit like I used to 7 or 8 years ago. I feel like if we ever had another chance I could stand up for myself this time. The friendship though isn't just a way to stay in touch to reengage.

This is just an overview of an 10+ year long experience for me. I can post more info if you need it. Please give me your advice. So far everyone just calls her "TOXIC"   but she's a human being and one that I love at that.  

[winston3]

By the way I meant to say that she is imitating her new BFs behaviors - changed to be a vegetarian like him, started obsessing over his music (which sounds nothing like 90% of what she listens to), started trying to get even thinner for him etc., She of course accidentally compared him to me and said that he was more "stable" and "positive" which is hilarious, and her comparing him to me considering that she's still projecting herself onto me. Ugh.

[RecycledNoMore]

She is a human

That you love

She has BPD, you know it, she knows it.

Have you reasearched BPD?, do you know the behaviors, possible ramifications of staying in contact with her?

I cant tell you what I suspect you want to hear.

All you can do is read everything here about BPD, and also about your own issues, facing the facts as it were, the choice is in your own hands, good luck to you on your journey.

[winston3]

She is a human

That you love

She has BPD, you know it, she knows it.

Have you reasearched BPD?, do you know the behaviors, possible ramifications of staying in contact with her?

I cant tell you what I suspect you want to hear.

All you can do is read everything here about BPD, and also about your own issues, facing the facts as it were, the choice is in your own hands, good luck to you on your journey.

I've researched a lot. I read a book that she gave me from her therapist twice. She also has either Bipolar or some sort of delusional disorder too that she won't tell me about. 

I know the ramifications of staying in contact. I just want advice. Is it okay to try to express what love I have left (a lot) through friendship? Love to me is compassion... .not just like that youthful/lusting/desperate love. I want to show her throughout the years that I'm a compassionate man.

Of course, I also want to say HEY, I've still got balls. I'm still taking care of my life. Which is why I didn't move back to the city in the US with her on her earliest whim. But at times I regret that too... .although regret is pointless.

It's just like... .if others give up on her, I would be her caregiver. Even if I was with someone else, I would want to be someone to help her. Do you think that she is going to recycle me again? If the new guy leaves her, will she hop back to me? I guess that no one can predict it. I've been throwing around scenarios for two months in my head.

[RecycledNoMore]

She is a human

That you love

She has BPD, you know it, she knows it.

Have you reasearched BPD?, do you know the behaviors, possible ramifications of staying in contact with her?

I cant tell you what I suspect you want to hear.

All you can do is read everything here about BPD, and also about your own issues, facing the facts as it were, the choice is in your own hands, good luck to you on your journey.

I've researched a lot. I read a book that she gave me from her therapist twice. She also has either Bipolar or some sort of delusional disorder too that she won't tell me about. 

I know the ramifications of staying in contact. I just want advice. Is it okay to try to express what love I have left (a lot) through friendship? Love to me is compassion... .not just like that youthful/lusting/desperate love. I want to show her throughout the years that I'm a compassionate man.

Of course, I also want to say HEY, I've still got balls. I'm still taking care of my life. Which is why I didn't move back to the city in the US with her on her earliest whim. But at times I regret that too... .although regret is pointless.

It's just like... .if others give up on her, I would be her caregiver. Even if I was with someone else, I would want to be someone to help her. Do you think that she is going to recycle me again? If the new guy leaves her, will she hop back to me? I guess that no one can predict it. I've been throwing around scenarios for two months in my head.

I think you have to ask yourself why you would want to be someones caregiver if all else fails for her, and why most of your post is centered on her and what she needs, what about you man?, have you entertained the possibility that you have become a trigger for her now?, what if its just not possible for you to go back to how it was? Type in " the 5 stages of grief", in the searchbox, start by figuring out where your head is at, before you try and figure out what she will do, im sorry if I sound harsh, its just that you seem like your in pain, and its sad to hear you focusing on what could essentially be.

A dead end e

[winston3]

I think you have to ask yourself why you would want to be someones caregiver if all else fails for her, and why most of your post is centered on her and what she needs, what about you man?, have you entertained the possibility that you have become a trigger for her now?, what if its just not possible for you to go back to how it was? Type in " the 5 stages of grief", in the searchbox, start by figuring out where your head is at, before you try and figure out what she will do, im sorry if I sound harsh, its just that you seem like your in pain, and its sad to hear you focusing on what could essentially be.

A dead end e

Yeah, you're right in a lot of ways. I guess that I've been through the breakup/makeup process about 9 times and in my opinion I have gone through those 5 stages of grief about 3 times. I have been her friend for many years. From my experience, she ends up lost at some point and contacts me as a friend and gets tempted to be a lover occasionally. And I've been of help to her in the past.

As far as being a trigger now... .I don't know why I would have fallen into that role. Maybe I don't get this. Why would I be a trigger, what would that entail?

[winston3]

Just to add... .I made a mistake in my OP... .she was asking if I would be her friend which is ironic... .because it was after she rejected me after she devalued me last summer. But she was desperately asking if I could do so and promise to not love her etc., and she suggested that I find a new lover and such. It's just so weird coming from her. Is there hope that we can be friends? Should we be?

I keep her needs in mind because I have seen her isolate herself, hurt herself, and more for YEARS and I have tried to get her as much help as possible without losing my independence or enabling her.

She thinks internally I think that I was intent on marrying her when she started to bring up the "we're meant for each other" thing. But honestly maybe I got sucked into that. I never get bored with her, so I was never against the idea of marrying her. I was kind of afraid of it though. I just hated how I was born into a dysfunctional divorced family etc.,

[RecycledNoMore]

Search, " how a BPD love relationship evolves",you need to start taking care of you, not her.Only she can do that.

Or you should check out the staying board.

[winston3]

Search, " how a BPD love relationship evolves",you need to start taking care of you, not her.Only she can do that.

Or you should check out the staying board.

RecycledNM, you're super cool. I mean, I have lived alone in a foreign country for over 3 years apart from her, and not technically been her boyfriend for 4 years. I have been taking care of me. I guess... .what about wanting to just stay in touch and be friends with her? What about going back into town? Should I be on guard? Is it cool to get back together. $#!7, maybe I'm {U/?3D.

Yeah it's all in my head, isn't it? But there were times when we met. Years and hours upon hours of contact and me helping her. So you're saying that she's just been a drain on time that I should be spending on myself, perhaps?

I guess that I feel like I've been more distracted than ever in the past few months because of the WAY that she split / devalued / moved on this time. Maybe it's the last.

Still I want to hear from anyone - Why would I be a trigger, what does that mean? I'd do anything to not hurt her.

[love4meNOTu]

Winston-

It pains me to see how enmeshed you are, and how this relationship has made you unable or unwilling to live your own life without the hope of her in your future.

If it is meant to be it will be, nothing could keep you away from each other.

Reality is a hard mistress... and her actions say she is done.

What will it take for you to do the same?

God bless,

L

[winston3]

Winston-

It pains me to see how enmeshed you are, and how this relationship has made you unable or unwilling to live your own life without the hope of her in your future.

If it is meant to be it will be, nothing could keep you away from each other.

Reality is a hard mistress... and her actions say she is done.

What will it take for you to do the same?

God bless,

L

Thanks L. I mean, the way it ended was hard. I got away, was living independently halfway across the world. She went halfway across the world to see me, sucked me back in. Then she went home, told me that we were meant to be, then got into trouble, then devalued me, then let me go, then found another, then tried to get me to be friends.

If moving onto another means that she is done, and I move on... .then I guess that she'll just always have a place in my heart. It's really hard to accept though. I have moved on with FIVE other women in 10+ years and let go of all of them to go back to her. NONE of them were like her.

Being devalued and then let go after all of her expressions of love hurt... .It was as if she had erased all of the positive things that I had done for her for so many years from her mind. It hurts.

Still would love to hear what a me being a trigger would mean... .What's a trigger for a BPD when it is a person?

[Pretty Woman]

Winston,

   I cant imagine what you've dealt with For so many years.  I only had a little over a year under my belt.  

There are some awesome points brought up here.  :)o you want a girlfriend or to be a caregiver the rest of your life?

A week before I got dumped for someone else I went for a walk with a friend.  I told her I wasn't sure I could do this anymore (see gut instinct).

I specifically said, I don't want to spend my life being her caregiver.  I was so worried about her endless needs I forgot mine.  

You deserve a mutually rewarding relationship.  

There is no reward with BPD.  

I think in your case changing numbers and cutting all contact will help you.  I know this last break is fresh but why keep doing this? It never works.  

My ex dumped me for an ex in May.  Was back a month later.  She dumped this ex several times in their relationship years ago.  I think the ex thought they have grown.  

This is just a pattern. These people are hard to forget.  You have to remove their talons from your heart somehow.  

You will fall in love again.  I promise.  

[heartandwhole]

Hi winston3,

This is tough, and I'm sorry you are going through this... .again.  You sound like a very compassionate and caring person.  If you think you can maintain a friendship with your ex, that feels good for you as well, then I suggest taking a look at the Staying board.  There you can learn tools to help you have the best friendship you can.

On the other hand, in case you might be thinking that your love and compassion will somehow "save" her from the pain of this disorder – if only that were true!  I think so many of us hoped that was the case.  I discovered that it wasn't, the hard way. You might want to take a look at this:

4) Belief that love can prevail

9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.

Still would love to hear what a me being a trigger would mean... .What's a trigger for a BPD when it is a person?

The closer she gets to you the more fearful she may become of being abandoned or engulfed.  Letting you close is dangerous, because it can "trigger" those fears and maladaptive coping mechanisms that cause her to act in ways that are hurtful toward you.  She is simply trying to avoid the discomfort/pain of those feelings and what they bring up in her.

More here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79300.msg782064#msg782064

Hang in there.  We're here to support you. 

heartandwhole

[winston3]

The closer she gets to you the more fearful she may become of being abandoned or engulfed.  Letting you close is dangerous, because it can "trigger" those fears and maladaptive coping mechanisms that cause her to act in ways that are hurtful toward you.  She is simply trying to avoid the discomfort/pain of those feelings and what they bring up in her.

More here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=79300.msg782064#msg782064

Hang in there.  We're here to support you. 

Thanks a lot heartandwhole. Is there any way to "stop" being a trigger? Good things to say? She has had counseling on BPD. Should I ask something like, ":)o you view me as a trigger?"