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Author Topic: 4) Belief that love can prevail  (Read 5832 times)
seeking balance
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« on: March 20, 2011, 01:32:32 PM »

Article 9  Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder .  This article has been a staple in my recovery process, mainly to help me depersonalize the disorder, understand my role in detaching and allowing me to fully grieve the relationship.

4) Belief that love can prevail  [Read original text here]

The article is very clear:

"Once these relationships seriously rupture, they are harder to repair than most – many wounds that existed before the relationship have been opened. Of course you have a lot invested in this relationship and your partner has been an integral part of your dreams and hopes - but there are greater forces at play now.

For you, significant emotional wounds have been inflicted upon an already wounded soul. To revitalize your end of the relationship, you would need to recover from your wounds and emerge as an informed and loving caretaker – it’s not a simple journey. You need compassion and validation to heal - something your partner most likely won’t understand – and you can’t provide for yourself right now

For your partner, there are longstanding and painful fears, trust issues, and resentments that have been triggered. Your partner is coping by blaming much of it on you. For your partner to revitalize their end of the relationship, they would need to understand and face their wounds and emerge very self-aware and mindful. This is likely an even greater challenge than you face."


For me, this myth hits home the hardest.  I did believe love can prevail.  I believe the love was real on both sides, just with different intentions.  It is sad, but true - it is easier for them to move on than face the intense fears.  :)oes this mean they didn't love us?  I believe they did - but their pain is greater than the love.  I stayed longer than reasonable and tolerated more than reasonable in the belief that love could conquer all.  

Grieving the loss of this core belief has had me question many of my beliefs.




More information

Surviving a Break-up with Someone Suffering with Borderline Personality Disorder

1) Belief that this person holds the key to your happiness

2) Belief that your BPD partner feels the same way that you feel

3) Belief that the relationship problems are caused by you or some circumstance

4) Belief that love can prevail

5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"

6) Clinging to the words that were said

7) Belief that if you say it louder you will be heard

8) Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder

9) Belief that you need to stay to help them.

10) Belief that they have seen the light

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« Reply #1 on: March 20, 2011, 01:44:17 PM »

On the mark: SeekingBalance. I agree 100%. I know in mine, that the gates were opened for her and as with others before me, she moves on swiftly, shifted all the blame (and many, many false accusations on to me) in order to preserve her "identity" and found solace with someone else that has no idea what they are in for. I use to think it "was" partly me... no one is perfect even without PD, love is not perfect, nor is life. But, when the cards were all laid out on the table and I found this was a repeat of history ten-fold, only she had gained "momentum", for lack of a better word... it was all the same.

We can not repair someone or something that is so severely broken when they do not see themselves as so and feel the entire world, every person in their lives has and is out to do wrong by them. When they convince themselves they are blameless... love can not prevail. It takes two to have a friendship, a relationship and two to "prevail". Love alone can not do it.
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« Reply #2 on: March 20, 2011, 02:44:40 PM »

  I stayed longer than reasonable and tolerated more than reasonable in the belief that love could conquer all. 

I stayed too long as well. It brought out the worse in me, I became so critical of myself and her, in the end I started to feel and act like the emotionally distant person she kept accusing me of being for a year. Everyday I was thinking that love would snap her back ready to work it all out like a mystical kick in the ass but meanwhile we were tearing up any chance we had to build real trust with our interactions.
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« Reply #3 on: March 20, 2011, 04:33:19 PM »

Often when faced with the question "will love prevail" we are thinking of our relationship. But we do not exist in isolation. Even as a couple we do not exist in isolation. There is the whole topic of support system around us. Which is often damaged over time. So while we have this self image of ourselves being strong and being powered by LOVE - the truth is we are badly damaged, our energy supply is low and the energy supply lines have been mostly severed. We are often a shadow of our former self and are faced with questions like the well being of children, own professional and financial survival.  

Our instincts tell us to fix the biggest problem first. But we tried that already for a long time. Is it wise to spend the remaining energy on the driver of these problems?
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« Reply #4 on: March 20, 2011, 08:44:43 PM »

It's still something I am struggling with. I have a big heart and gave her love in so many ways over the 4 yrs. Rarely did she take it and even rarer, did she give it back to me. My love is not enough to heal her, and it never was. And although it makes me sad, she can't even take any love from me now, as a friend (I know, I know, it's better).

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« Reply #5 on: March 20, 2011, 09:30:29 PM »

Love... .how this word has come to mean so many different things.  My pwBPD was a bit different from many that I read about on here.  He actually seems to resemble the DSM IV criteria a little more than some I read about.  To him, he loved me more than anything in the world.  He told me over and over.  He never stopped saying he loved me.  He said he couldn't live without me.  And he basically chose not to live without me.  Drank himself to death.  I'm not saying this to evoke pity... .I'm still grieving, but only to show a different side to BPD.  Mine didn't abandon me, I detached from him, and this sent him spiraling.  When i couldn't meet his emotional needs by committing to the relationship fast enough, he raged out of hurt.  He publicly humiliated me, called me names, etc.  But he still "loved" me, and offered apologies, or said he didn't remember doing the worst.  Object permancy... .all the way... .had to have my picture in both rooms of his apt, and said he even slept with it sometimes (I know, Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) )  In his mind, he did love me, but he couldn't see the big picture. He couldn't wait until I was ready, and translated into pain for him.  I did love him, but I'm still examining what that love was.  He filled a need in me.  A gaping open wound... .he was initially able to take all the hurt and pain I was in and transform it into butterflies in my stomach... .a feeling I hadn't had in 25 years.  He believed love would conquer all.  He believed that if I came to him, was with him, we would make it b/c we "loved" each other.  That being said, I also couldn't totally seperate.  I'd read about detaching, knew in my head I couldn't fix him, everyone advised me to bail and not look back, but I wanted so desperately for him to know I wouldn't abandon him.  In the end, I didn't completely abandon him, but I couldn't be his.  I knew love couldn't conquer all, but for me, it kept him in my heart.  He's still there, loud and strong.  Love... .ugh!
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« Reply #6 on: March 21, 2011, 12:28:43 AM »

This is a great post.  I fell madly in love with my exBPD wife.  Problem was a I still greived the loss of my first x wife who I had 3 kids with.  I made this clear and she in very elequant words said she just wanted to be with me despite where I was.  We married 6 months after meeting and it all blew apart.   I learned that in conflict I pull away and began thinking the marriage was mistake... .this inflamed her BPD. Sucical, rage, anorexia the works.  I fought to regain who I was and was slowly getting there.  Finding out BPD helped, but by then the damage to both of us was done.  She left at a year and a half... .which I probably should have left... .but I feared for her life and new it would be best if she left.  After she left, the love I had for her returned in full force... .which really sucked because this was my dream girl in many ways.

Tonight saw a pick with her and another man on FB... .dang FB.  Anyways my head is reelling.  As much as I would like another shot at seeing if we could work... .I know with BPD that's nearly impossible... .Dang BPD

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« Reply #7 on: August 29, 2011, 04:13:10 PM »

I really thought the love that we had for each other (rather the love I had for her I guess) would be enough to make our relationship work. I have rather naively believed that if two people genuinely loved each other they could overcome anything in the relationship. I am also the kind of person that if I make a commitment I stick with it no matter what (within reason). So one of the reasons why I stayed as long as I did was because I had made a commitment to her and that I felt love could "conquer all". This relationship has really shattered my ideas of love and commitment. I loved her like no other, I just didn't know that she did not love me the same way. I was committed to her, I just didn't know how easily she could walk away without a second thought. I hate BPD!
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« Reply #8 on: August 30, 2011, 12:00:54 AM »

I also thought the love we had would save us. In hindsight it wasnt love it all - it was need. He needed me and I needed him to fix.

However whilst in it, I thought that love would conquer all and this illusion has been smashed. It takes way more. Trust and friendship, IMO, is that backbone of any r/s. I had neither.
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« Reply #9 on: September 09, 2011, 09:08:55 PM »

First time I've cried reading posts and I've read a fair few.

Liveandlearn: such a sad, sad story. I completely sobbed reading this - so poignant. These cases are like epic love stories with a horrible twist. Good on you for being strong and presenting such a clear, unbiased picture

Gettingoverit: your whole idea of love conquering all really struck a chord. Recently, I've thought about how simple things should be - two people fall in love and everything should be great - right? BBPD sure as hell challenges the notions of love and commitment.

Clearmind: Like you say, trust and friendship any day over love.

What is love really? Mine was infatuation, lust, obsession and none of it healthy. Probably not real love. Real love involves mutual respect and giving/sharing, a degree of selflessness and real trust.

I think I was in love with the idea of being in love, or perhaps in love with the person I thought he was. Turns out it was all an illusion. There is hope though... .I was married before to a really nice guy and although sadly, we fell out of love (after 15 years), I think everyone can love again. I just think maybe it might take longer to get over love for a BPD-er. Certainly will for me.
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« Reply #10 on: September 09, 2011, 09:53:40 PM »

For 20 years of our r/s, I never even considered "love". Had no clue that I should. Had no idea what that meant, what it looked like, or how it felt. All I knew is we felt 'comfortable'. (Now I know, a result of Trauma Bonding)

While outsiders watched my husband's drunken, low functioning, abandoning behavior in horror, for me and my kids, I endeavored to persevere. I always worked, when my youngest started school I began college, always kept trying to "do" better for my kids than what I had known as a child. Little did I know, I had only managed to recreate my childhood for them!

This belief tripped me up for a while. He did have a 6 year period of sobriety. During the first 3 years of that he seemed very 'loving' very "sensitive to my feelings" very giving. But when his behavior changed so suddenly, when he so quickly 'dumped' me, when he started acting like a drunk in sobriety, I had to question everything I thought I believed about love. Yes, I thought we loved each other. I thought his total rejection of me was a phase, a mid-life crisis, a reaction to grief having recently lost our 20 yr old son to death... .it was none of these things.

Now, I understand what love feels like, in me. Now, I understand that I never had true love with him. Now, I understand that the love he was expressing was what he was mostly mirroring from my loving ways. And that's how I've learned about love. From looking at my own behaviors. With my H, sure, but mostly in the way I feel for myself and my children.

Now that I know what love feels like, I surrender to the fact that Ive never had that with my husband.
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« Reply #11 on: September 10, 2011, 06:50:12 PM »

Some things I thought were constant in my life.

1.I loved my wife and that I would love her for all eternity.

2.My wife loved me and I never for a moment doubted her love for me. I trusted her.

3. Our marriage would last until one of us died.

Even when we had our differences I always had complete faith in our love of each other. It felt like it would never end. Even when she said she wanted to end the relationship I felt that we would find a way to conquer this. That she had somehow got confused and lost but deep down I felt that she still loved me. At times her words and action suggested she still did. I did not know that as she was rejecting me she was at the same time afraid to let go. She still saw me as someone who should continue to provide for her needs.

After one session of couples therapy I realised our relationship was over. To hear the woman that I loved and that I thought love me rage uncontrollably in front of a complete stranger and myself made me realise that she was not well and that all was lost.

Even then I left the door half open, hoping against hope that our love would prevail.

I was mistaken:

1. Our love was not eternal. I no longer love her. 

2. Not only did my wife's love of me not last. I now realise that she never loved me.

3. we are now divorcing

In letting go of her, I was really letting go of our love. Giving up on the belief that love can prevail was key to my detaching and my healing.
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« Reply #12 on: September 10, 2011, 07:12:36 PM »

Some things I thought were constant in my life.

1.I loved my wife and that I would love her for all eternity.

2.My wife loved me and I never for a moment doubted her love for me. I trusted her.

3. Our marriage would last until one of us died.

Even when we had our differences I always had complete faith in our love of each other. It felt like it would never end. Even when she said she wanted to end the relationship I felt that we would find a way to conquer this. That she had somehow got confused and lost but deep down I felt that she still loved me. At times her words and action suggested she still did. I did not know that as she was rejecting me she was at the same time afraid to let go. She still saw me as someone who should continue to provide for her needs.

After one session of couples therapy I realised our relationship was over. To hear the woman that I loved and that I thought love me rage uncontrollably in front of a complete stranger and myself made me realise that she was not well and that all was lost.

Even then I left the door half open, hoping against hope that our love would prevail.

I was mistaken:

1. Our love was not eternal. I no longer love her. 

2. Not only did my wife's love of me not last. I now realise that she never loved me.

3. we are now divorcing

In letting go of her, I was really letting go of our love. Giving up on the belief that love can prevail was key to my detaching and my healing.

Ohhh, this is so painful for me to read and accept, MJJ... .It is so devastating to accept that this man who wrote me such breathtaking poetry, made such passionate love to me, spoke of his love for me, and dreams to be with me... .Aghh, it was all just mental illness. I was abruptly "dumped" and immediately "replaced" at lightening speed... .and cut instantly and completely out of his life as though we never meant a thing to each other at all?

But, part of me (in my heart) still wants to "leave the door half open" and attempt to "love him well"?  How insane I truly am? Pining for a man who is sleeping with another woman and telling me that he "loves her"?  How crazy is this? Aghh... .I don't understand myself anymore? I would never have put up with a fraction of this abuse ever before in my life?

Why can't I accept that he doesn't love me and never did... .it was all a cruel fairytale... .

I was so convinced that our love was "forever"" and so deep, so "real"... .I bought into the fantasy, MJJ... .Now, I need to find my way back "home", back to "reality", back into "life"... .I am trying with everything inside of me.

Thanks for this post... .I'm crying my eyes out, it is all too sad for me at times... .but necessary in order to heal, accept that love can never prevail in a BPD/NPD relationship... .God knows how willing I would be to do my part but I cannot "love him well"... .that would take an act of God?

WhiteDoe
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« Reply #13 on: September 10, 2011, 08:30:07 PM »

So, so sad. I read MindfulJavaJoe's message and cried and WhiteDoe, such a poignant story too. I don't know if this makes it any easier, but my own thinking is that BPD's do have some feeling of love, but not in the same way as non's, i.e. they think they are experiencing love and when they express that, they can be genuine. My current belief is not that they are evil; they have mental illness which can manifest itself in cruel/harsh (sometimes evil) ways. The emotional instability is key.

I also believe you have to hit a rock bottom as a non (in the same way as any addiction) to think 'enough is enough' and to break the habit. Whitedoe, I am concerned that you seem to be in a bit of a denial. He slept with another woman and says he loves her.

I was in exactly the same situation on breakup number 1. Wish to God I had left it right there. I spent 3 weeks in limbo when he said he actually realised he loved me and was leaving her; then all the other recycling and heartache that has ensued. Please don't pick the scabs off will you?

x
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« Reply #14 on: September 11, 2011, 11:37:52 AM »

So, so sad. I read MindfulJavaJoe's message and cried and WhiteDoe, such a poignant story too. I don't know if this makes it any easier, but my own thinking is that BPD's do have some feeling of love, but not in the same way as non's, i.e. they think they are experiencing love and when they express that, they can be genuine. My current belief is not that they are evil; they have mental illness which can manifest itself in cruel/harsh (sometimes evil) ways. The emotional instability is key.

I also believe you have to hit a rock bottom as a non (in the same way as any addiction) to think 'enough is enough' and to break the habit. Whitedoe, I am concerned that you seem to be in a bit of a denial. He slept with another woman and says he loves her.

I was in exactly the same situation on breakup number 1. Wish to God I had left it right there. I spent 3 weeks in limbo when he said he actually realised he loved me and was leaving her; then all the other recycling and heartache that has ensued. Please don't pick the scabs off will you?

x

Ohh, I do understand what you are saying to me, bf0207... .I guess I should put it this way- I am in "denial", in "disbelief" that he is in "love" with my replacement... .This is true. I do not believe that "healthy love" has developed with my BPD/NPDex just 3 months after his abrupt emotional breakdown and departure from me... .It is only a matter of time with my "replacement"... .I know he is ill... .and this "fantasy" will also run it's course... .

What I am expressing is my "dream" of being able to talk with him about his mental illness. I had never even heard of BPD or NPD prior to his "dumping me" out of nowhere. We had no arguments, no "issues" to speak of at all... .It was a total mindfxck, surreal... .and sent me into trauma shock and severe depression beyond any pain I'd ever experienced... .This is what I mean by "leaving the door half open"... .We never discussed his illness, we never even "tried" to work together to help him and "us"... .I love(d) him so much... .I would have stayed and at least "tried" to make "us" work... .

Hopefully, with more therapy, I will get to a point where I would never consider this... .It's a process. I recognize that I also have "illness" to recover from here. I stayed with this man, a serious narcissist who would blurt out such cruel words to me... .He was selfish and insensitive beyond belief... .Why did I think this was "OK"?  Hmm?


But having said this, I also realize that "saving him" is something I simply cannot do. He was never honest with me about his illness (and yes, I believe that he does know) and chose to "leave" rather than expose his truth to me and work together on his BPD/NPD and our relationship... .

Alternatively, he has decided to "sooth" himself via a new "honeymoon" phase. Lots of "dissociated" sex to enjoy and no promises/commitments to be held accountable to... .

For the BPD/NPD, it is the "longing" for love that compells them. My ex, again, is so painfully narcissistic that he can only think of "him" in a relationship, or better stated as "fantasy". My therapist tells me that the term "relationship" is truly not correctly used with a BPD/NPD... .they do not have "relationships" but rather, they have "fantasies"... .

What I loved about this beautiful man was hidden deep inside his heart. I did witness his "true self" but only a few times... .He is the most beautiful man in the world through my eyes, but his light is suffocated in serious mental illness. I have to accept this and move on... .I have to believe  that there is a healthier "relationship" out there for me someplace... .

Yes, to your excellent point, bf0207, I have hit my "bottom" of pain and despair... .and with the support of a terrific therapist and the love from this board, I will move back into life once again... .Thank you for your comments, insights... .I still cry a lot, healing my broken heart... .and I also cry for the beautiful man that I loved and adored whose serious mental illness renders him "incapable" of "true" love... .for himself... .for "me"... .and/or any "replacement" of me... .

Aghh, it's soo sad... .

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« Reply #15 on: September 11, 2011, 01:14:06 PM »

I was so convinced that our love was "forever"" and so deep, so "real"... .I bought into the fantasy, MJJ... .Now, I need to find my way back "home", back to "reality", back into "life"... .I am trying with everything inside of me.

WhiteDoe thank you for your comments. Like you, I bought into the idea that I hada loving relationship that would last forever. I believed that a measure of how successful a relationship would be was the amount of effort that each of you were prepared to put into it.  On reflection I put in all the effort. I worked myself into the ground physically and emotionally.

I also believe you have to hit a rock bottom as a non (in the same way as any addiction) to think 'enough is enough' and to break the habit.

I think codependancy is the drug that keeps you hooked in the end. Is is not pleasant but it keeps us feeling that we are still very much in love. I think if you are in a longterm relationship with a pwBPD and you are not aware of the diagnosis then I think you are right. We were together 21 years. I only found out about BPD after the relationship had ended.

I had hit rock botton, pushed beyond my limit, in fact beyond the limits of what anyone might consider reasonable.

I had slowly lost myself in this relationship. What I felt was commitment was codependence. I would have done anything for her. Nothing was too much trouble.

She has since said that she NEVER cared for me. I can understand that this was not said to hurt it was said in a momment of clarity as a statement of truth.

Love can never prevail where it never existed.

Letting go of my own feelings and my own codependancy took time. I can see all this with total clarity now.

She had been encouraged to suppress her childhood by her uNPDdad. It was inevitable that it would resurface at some stage. Whilst she always. in retrospect. had 7/9 criteria it was only when she became a parent herself and started thinking back about her own childhood that I became the target. Prior to that I probably supported and validated her as a person. The end was inevitable I see that now. She never loved me anf I never felt truly loved in retrospect.

The good news is it is possible to dig yourself out of such a hole and rediscover who you are, break free of codepoendancy and reclaim your life. To find that you were never loved is sad but it is not the end of the story. If I could wave a magic wand and turn back time knowin what I know now I would want to end the relationship for my sake. It was not healthy for me. I am much happier now.

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« Reply #16 on: April 29, 2012, 02:07:55 PM »

WD,

I know that fantasy love can be a cruel reality.  And it hurts.

GM
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« Reply #17 on: April 29, 2012, 04:46:43 PM »

I think part of the problem is that we romanticize the notion of "love". We get told stories growing up of love's power. It transforms frogs into princes, it defeats evil, it brings the dead back to life. We are constantly told that love conquers all. But those are just stories. They aren't reality. Ultimately, love is an emotion we, just like anger, or joy, or despair. It is arguably the most powerful emotion, but it's still just an emotion. That's it. It isn't magical or miraculous. It can't change anything. It can't fix problems. It doesn't change who a person is. It most certainly doesn't stop us from feeling other emotions. And it can't make a fundamentally flawed relationship work.

I loved my ex. I did with all my heart. I still do in many ways. I think there was a part of her that loved me in her own way. Whether or not she did is not the point. The point is, regardless of either of our feelings, she isn't capable of giving me what I want from a relationship. Love doesn't make her any more capable of doing so.

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« Reply #18 on: April 29, 2012, 04:48:55 PM »

Being totally in love with your BPD so, is what makes you tolerate so much.  I know that is what it was for me.

Only love would have kept me there as long as I was there.  And, I know now, it was completely one sided.  I loved her, she needed me.  Now, I don't love her, and for the moment, she doesn't need me.  So we're good.   Smiling (click to insert in post)
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« Reply #19 on: April 29, 2012, 04:52:05 PM »

"What's love got to do with it"  

Love doesn't take out the trash... .keep arguments from spawning, pay the bills, etc... .all functional realities in a working relationship.  When you are dealing with BPD, love may be very real to you... .but nothing else in the r/s works, it is not a two way street... .and therefore, not a true relationship.
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« Reply #20 on: April 29, 2012, 06:32:41 PM »

Love doesn't take out the trash... .keep arguments from spawning, pay the bills, etc... .all functional realities in a working relationship.  When you are dealing with BPD, love may be very real to you... .but nothing else in the r/s works, it is not a two way street... .and therefore, not a true relationship.

spot on!

For mine, whether they really loved me or not can be argued til we're blue in the face. But practical things like courtesy, chores, etiquette, giving, honouring appointments etc. is where we began to unravel. It is in this area that I began to feel as though I was dating a child. When the day-to-day maintenance of the relationship's logistics all fell on me, it felt unfair. And probably contributed to many of our fights. They might seem small in isolation, but quickly add up... .both in number and in the amount of resentment we feel for having to carry the bulk of the burden. Where is the love in this?

Bb12
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hijodeganas
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« Reply #21 on: April 30, 2012, 08:24:35 AM »

Love doesn't take out the trash... .keep arguments from spawning, pay the bills, etc... .all functional realities in a working relationship.  When you are dealing with BPD, love may be very real to you... .but nothing else in the r/s works, it is not a two way street... .and therefore, not a true relationship.

spot on!

For mine, whether they really loved me or not can be argued til we're blue in the face. But practical things like courtesy, chores, etiquette, giving, honouring appointments etc. is where we began to unravel. It is in this area that I began to feel as though I was dating a child. When the day-to-day maintenance of the relationship's logistics all fell on me, it felt unfair. And probably contributed to many of our fights. They might seem small in isolation, but quickly add up... .both in number and in the amount of resentment we feel for having to carry the bulk of the burden. Where is the love in this?

Bb12

Sounds like you're talking about an integral part of any kind of relationship: (mutual) respect.
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GreenMango
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« Reply #22 on: April 30, 2012, 09:17:35 PM »

There's idealized (fantasy) love, then there's love in real life.  They are different, but I wanted to believe in the fantasy for awhile.

-GM
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GreenMango
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« Reply #23 on: June 21, 2012, 09:46:12 PM »

Love doesn't take out the trash... .keep arguments from spawning, pay the bills, etc... .all functional realities in a working relationship.  When you are dealing with BPD, love may be very real to you... .but nothing else in the r/s works, it is not a two way street... .and therefore, not a true relationship.

spot on!

For mine, whether they really loved me or not can be argued til we're blue in the face. But practical things like courtesy, chores, etiquette, giving, honouring appointments etc. is where we began to unravel. It is in this area that I began to feel as though I was dating a child. When the day-to-day maintenance of the relationship's logistics all fell on me, it felt unfair. And probably contributed to many of our fights. They might seem small in isolation, but quickly add up... .both in number and in the amount of resentment we feel for having to carry the bulk of the burden. Where is the love in this?

Bb12

Love is like the glue in a relationship.  But, like anything, it takes maintenance and upkeep.  And it sure isn't a cure or permanent if it's constantly being chipped away at.

GM
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findingmyselfagain
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« Reply #24 on: June 21, 2012, 09:56:37 PM »

My rose-colored glasses kept me in this one. I overlooked the red flags instead of digging deeper. I believed in the romantic words and overtures vs. the actions and realistic history. This one closest relates to thinking things would go back the way they were... .or it represents that hope. I did LOVE my ex as much as anyone could love someone at one time. "Love" just can't cure a disorder based on deeply dysfunctional love relationships.
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jmc8899
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« Reply #25 on: January 20, 2013, 11:12:56 AM »

No matter how much I showed my ex I loved him, he never believed me.   I would have done anything for him.   He hates himself so much that he can't possibly believe anyone would love him.   I thought that maybe his ex's just didn't really love him, and I could step in, show him how much I care about him and he could be happy.   Nope.   I spent a year of my life trying, and now I just need to accept that he will NEVER believe me - and let go.
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bb12
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« Reply #26 on: January 20, 2013, 03:52:19 PM »

it's amazing to see some of these older posts when you are further down the healing / knowledge path

I'm not sure I fully comprehended this 'belief' when I first broke up with my exBPD and was sure i could make it work

Even today, driving to work, I thought about my ex and how long it's been since he painted me black and went silent.

I thought about what it would take to reconnect with this person after all this time. Part of me still wants that: the fixer, rescuer part.

But I am aware now of how one-sided the r/s would be... .  and reading that line about what it would take for a non to re-engage and the fact I would need to heal my own wounds and then assume a caretaker role, and that doesn't sound like something I'd want.

I have learned so much in the past 12 months and one of those things was to love myself. And I can say that I love myself too much now to accept a r/s with anyone (friend or lover) that has zero reciprocity in it. There would quite simply be nothing in it for me, and that's not enough any more. It used to be.

BB12
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sm15000
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« Reply #27 on: January 21, 2013, 04:46:47 AM »

Even today, driving to work, I thought about my ex and how long it's been since he painted me black and went silent. I thought about what it would take to reconnect with this person after all this time. Part of me still wants that: the fixer, rescuer part. But I am aware now of how one-sided the r/s would be... .  and reading that line about what it would take for a non to re-engage and the fact I would need to heal my own wounds and then assume a caretaker role, and that doesn't sound like something I'd want.

It is my ex's birthday today and 2 years since an incident started off the beginning of the end.  I ended our 13 yr r/s 18 months ago although there was some on and off contact over 8 months where he desperately tried to re-engage although that basically meant shoving it all under the carpet and carrying on in a fashion he wanted. . .as you say no reciprocity and becoming the rescuer.  

I had to cut him off at the pass 8 months ago and it has been complete NC ever since - most probably painted black!  Although I am completely realistic now that love cannot prevail, I too still think of re-connecting, sometimes I think I am abnormally grieving and that I really shouldn't be wanting that any more.  I truly miss him in my life though, even though we could never be romantically involved again.  I feel like I have been processing, I get on with my life, but thinking about my loss still does interfere with my well-being - I get the feeling of being empty, very few things bring me real pleasure  
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imstronghere2
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« Reply #28 on: May 14, 2013, 05:50:07 AM »

I think part of the problem is that we romanticize the notion of "love". We get told stories growing up of love's power. It transforms frogs into princes, it defeats evil, it brings the dead back to life. We are constantly told that love conquers all. But those are just stories. They aren't reality. Ultimately, love is an emotion we, just like anger, or joy, or despair. It is arguably the most powerful emotion, but it's still just an emotion. That's it. It isn't magical or miraculous. It can't change anything. It can't fix problems. It doesn't change who a person is. It most certainly doesn't stop us from feeling other emotions. And it can't make a fundamentally flawed relationship work.

Rise - That was excellent and dead on target.  All our lives we're brainwashed to think that the love emotion "conquers all".  It's probably the most cherished of all emotions but it certainly has it's limits.

Thanks for posting that!
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Cardinals in Flight
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« Reply #29 on: May 14, 2013, 06:31:21 AM »

I am here, on the Leaving board.  I can totally, and whole heartedly say that  love cannot fix, love is not enough

I'm heart broken still, but like the song says... .  "I'm done thinkin that we can work it out... .  Even on my weakest day, I get a lil bit better".

CiF, (with a lil bit o broken wing) but I'll fly again!
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