Blank Emails

[BorderlineMagnet]

Looking for some input on my pwBPDexgf's behavior. Since about April, in 3-4 month intervals I have gotten a blank email from my ex. When I responded last time, it was her apparently wanting sex. In the course of a few emails it became clear that she seemed mad that she lost my sex, even outright saying that if I hadn't told my replacement that she had been seeing me and him at the same time, she would've kept having sex with me. Dumb on her behalf because I could've just showed him these recent emails. We never did hook up again, even though I was open to it. 4 or 5 brief emails, then the silent treatment again. December 2 I received another blank email (August 2 was the last one, almost establishing a pattern here) which was a direct response to my last email in August. In that email I told her that I'm doing my best to move on, and I have left you alone like you asked. I said that it has been hard because I still miss her and have feelings for her. I then tell her to please not do that again, let move on, and if you don't love me back just leave me alone.

I'm wondering now what's her purpose of these emails. Especially the last one. Is it her just punishing me by not leaving me alone, or is it her subtle way of telling me she still has feelings for me. I'm sure she knows the silent treatment hurt me at the end of our r/s, but I also wonder if it's because she's having regrets about her choice. She was never a rager to me, just was silent and shady once the replacement came in to the picture. The only time she was ever mad at me was when I exposed her to him and made her choose.

So what do you think: punishment or weak, shameful attempts to reconnect, or just soothing?

[Learning_curve74]

Maybe it's all of those reasons?

I hate to see the way everybody here suffers, and I know how frustrating getting these emails probably are for you. But isn't the truth that we can never truly know the motives of another person? We can't ever fully be inside another's mind to totally understand where they're coming from.

Since you can't really know, isn't doing what's in your own best interests the best way to approach things?  What do you feel is best for you?

[Octoberfest]

Looking for some input on my pwBPDexgf's behavior. Since about April, in 3-4 month intervals I have gotten a blank email from my ex. When I responded last time, it was her apparently wanting sex. In the course of a few emails it became clear that she seemed mad that she lost my sex, even outright saying that if I hadn't told my replacement that she had been seeing me and him at the same time, she would've kept having sex with me. Dumb on her behalf because I could've just showed him these recent emails. We never did hook up again, even though I was open to it. 4 or 5 brief emails, then the silent treatment again. December 2 I received another blank email (August 2 was the last one, almost establishing a pattern here) which was a direct response to my last email in August. In that email I told her that I'm doing my best to move on, and I have left you alone like you asked. I said that it has been hard because I still miss her and have feelings for her. I then tell her to please not do that again, let move on, and if you don't love me back just leave me alone.

I'm wondering now what's her purpose of these emails. Especially the last one. Is it her just punishing me by not leaving me alone, or is it her subtle way of telling me she still has feelings for me. I'm sure she knows the silent treatment hurt me at the end of our r/s, but I also wonder if it's because she's having regrets about her choice. She was never a rager to me, just was silent and shady once the replacement came in to the picture. The only time she was ever mad at me was when I exposed her to him and made her choose.

So what do you think: punishment or weak, shameful attempts to reconnect, or just soothing?

Enough to make me sick... .Somehow it is YOUR (and mine, I went through the same thing, her dating up to 3 guys at once) fault, never mind the fact she(and my BPDex) is the one choosing to whore around and see multiple people while having committed to being in a monogamous relationship.  These people are incredible.

[fromheeltoheal]

Maybe it's all of those reasons?

I hate to see the way everybody here suffers, and I know how frustrating getting these emails probably are for you. But isn't the truth that we can never truly know the motives of another person? We can't ever fully be inside another's mind to totally understand where they're coming from.



Since you can't really know, isn't doing what's in your own best interests the best way to approach things?  What do you feel is best for you?

True, we can never fully see inside another's mind, but some are better than others at communicating what's going on with them.  My ex was a terrible communicator, and when I would catch her looking at me with a shtty ass expression on her face, ask what's going on with her, and I'd get rage, blame, or avoidance by swinging to fabricated glee; no true intimacy to be created with that level of openness and honesty, nil, which was the root of the problem.  It took me a while, and a lot of abuse and rudeness, to discover that she doesn't think like me, not even close, and it wasn't until I broke up with her and learned about BPD that I had any clue at all what was going on with her.

So that's the bottom line: a person with the disorder does not think like us, at all, so any attempts at making 'sense' of their motivations is futile.  Also, a borderline is stunted emotionally, their emotional maturity arrested at the time the disorder formed, so assigning motivation to them that is beyond that of a child's motivation is unfounded.

My thought is she was simply trying to soothe.  She was having a bad day, you showed up on her radar, so she figured she'd try.  Borderlines feel a lot of shame, especially when a relationship ends, and that to me explains the blank emails, not sure where she stands with you, and you responding gives her permission to continue.  Also, a borderline trait is to never say never, never let completely go of a former attachment, a remnant of the initial abandonment trauma they never went through; mine found me on Facebook after 25 years (!).

So like learning says, what do you want?  The way I saw it someone had to take care of me, it sure as hell wasn't going to be her, she was all about her full time, so I get to take care of me.  Someone who is abusive and rude, and treats me with disrespect and condescension and continually lies to me is not qualified to be my friend, so take your chaos elsewhere sunshine, time to take care of me, gotta go.

Take care of you!

[BorderlineMagnet]

Thanks for the replies. In my mind I figure it's punishment/soothing. If she was really serious about hooking up I guess she would've taken her chance when I gave it to her. I probably royally screwed up when I said I'll always love her, but would rather she leave me alone if she can't love me back. That was in August. This last blank email my replies weren't so sunny. I initially said "Oh not this blank email ___ again. If I u wanna try and make me feel bad or talk ___ then let's do this". I somehow felt bad for saying that, and replied with "Sorry for being rude, but I don't get the blank email thing. We loved each other once, and were really cool to each other, so if u need something or want to say something just say it". Have not had a response to that.

Part of me just wants to know if she really does still care for me. She always said I was different than her exes in a good way. She even came out and told me her big abandonment/engulfment fear near the end: "I'm falling so hard for u that I wouldn't know what to do if u ever left me and my kids". That was one of her most truthful moments with me I believe. I guess I want what we all want. An answer of some sort. I know I probably won't get it though.

[santa]

Well, since they are emotional black holes, the blank email actually makes a lot sense. 

Mine just responds with "K" every time I have any communication with her. Drives me crazy. Lol

[damage control]

Part of me just wants to know if she really does still care for me. She always said I was different than her exes in a good way. She even came out and told me her big abandonment/engulfment fear near the end: "I'm falling so hard for u that I wouldn't know what to do if u ever left me and my kids". That was one of her most truthful moments with me I believe. I guess I want what we all want. An answer of some sort. I know I probably won't get it though.

I don't think we can ever know if or how much they care/d because it changes from week to week, day to day, moment to moment. We can't know because THEY don't know ... she could start off writing a text/sending an email feeling one way and convince herself halfway through that she feels entirely differently.

As for what she 'said' about you leaving her. Well ... I lean toward the same issue/answer. I think they believe and mean what they are saying in that moment. Mine told me I was the most alluring woman he had met in 10 years, his only true friend and that he would never, ever turn away from me ... .that last bit, about turning away ... that was 2 weeks before I dropped everything and moved across the country and if you know my story, you will know that he dumped me just nine days after I arrived and went on a date with my replacement that very night ... .I have no doubts that he meant what he said in the moment. I also have no doubts that he was doing it to keep the relationship on an even keep while he decided which way he was going to turn ...

There was no way he 'faked' our interactions over the past year ... they were real while they happened but while I spent my days feeling warm and loved and thinking about him ... I think he probably went through the gamut of emotions about me/us ... .I just didn't know it at the time ...

[BorderlineMagnet]

The blank emails just rattle me. If she would just say something in them, even if it was something harsh, it would be much easier to understand. It's like she's just tapping me on my shoulder to get my attention. And when she gets it, it only lasts as long as she interacts. The emails in August started with "I need some" as the first response. Then brief emails asking if I remember the last day we had together. That was rough because it was a great day. I had not seen her in 2 weeks, and we just connected like always. From the emails I could tell she was mad that we didn't have sex that day. She was trying, but I just wanted to hold her and tell her how much I loved her and missed her. She then tried to

rewrite the truth by saying if I loved her so much, why did I lie to my replacement and say we had sex that day. I never said that. I only told him she aggressively made out with me, pulled off my shirt, and straddled me. Her final email after I stood my ground and said I never told him we had sex that day, and that I always loved having sex with her was "I guess you just waited too long". It had been only about 12 days since we last had sex when she started cheating. She had just moved back home, and with her kids it was hard for her to come see me. All she had to do was talk to me about needing sex and I would've done anything to make it happen. Instead she cheated.

I know they change from moment to moment. But until she had started cheating out r/s had no friction at all. That's why I'm stuck wondering if the choice I made her make was based out of shame. Did she choose him because she couldn't face me after I learned the truth. I've noticed she contacts me on the 2 day of the month in 3-4 month increments now. Has been just a blank email both times. We met on May 2 of 2012, so I wonder if she's triggered to think about me on the 2nd day of the month. Maybe I'm over thinking things though.

[damage control]

I don't know about your sexual dynamic ... .but I can say that my RS had no real friction either - he is a WAIF and most BPD is masked/channelled through the pathology of passive-aggresive behaviour ... they don't all have identifiable, outward raging, self-harm, visible chaos (although these things are going on internally).

I had sex with mine the night before he dumped me ... well, he had sex with me, he initiated it ... .and, as I said, he went on a first date the very next night.

Their behaviour is impossible to comprehend because it is incomprehensible to anybody who is not them. Actually, even they often don't comprehend themselves.

Mine also 'taps me on the shoulder' ... it's far more literal as I see him almost daily but ... he feels the need to reach out over and over ... .many of them will keep a toe in with an ex for a variety of reasons - self-soothing, ego, to reassure themselves that they are 'good' people who still care about their ex's etc ...

It's possibly any of these or a combination ... .the blank-ness just indicates an immature way of expressing herself (and very passive-aggressive btw ... )

[BorderlineMagnet]

DC,

Our sexual dynamic was never lacking. We honestly couldn't get enough of each other in they dept. And her little revelation that we would've kept on banging if I hadn't exposed her to my replacement cements that. Not to mention pretty much all of her emails in August had to do with her seeming mad that we had to stop having sex cause, oh I dunno, I wanted her just for me. When we were just friends with benefits she wanted to find another girl for a three way. But when we dated exclusively she said that won't work anymore because she couldn't stand sharing me with another girl. Course it's ok for her to go and have sex with another guy yet try and keep me around to have sex with too.

Yeah, the blank email this week seems very passive aggressive. The face that it was a direct reply to the last email I sent telling her to let me move on and leave me alone if she doesn't love me anymore, and the fact that she didn't respond to my 2 brief replies. It's very painful seeing her do this as I was very supportive and loving with her. She has the self shame and lie self esteem even though she is beautiful. I would tell her how special and amazing she is all the time and she did the same to me (I know, idealization). I feel like she's punishing me for exposing her still, yet she can't be outright mean to me. Though she probably knows what she's doing is rough on me. Or maybe it's the foot in the door that doesn't wanna be forgotten. I know they self prophesize, and when we talked on the phone after I exposed her she commented that "what, u thought I would just come running back to you?" I never thought that for a second when I exposed her. Now I'm wondering if she's just going to do that after she's uses my replacement up.

[Ironmanrises]

Blank email = Silent voicemail. A reaching out, a re-engagement attempt, to put out "feelers"' to test the water, with minimal chance of rejection for the pwBPD. Almost like tapping you on the shoulder in the dark and running away.

[BorderlineMagnet]

If she wants to re-engage I wish she would just come out and say it so I can definitively make a choice. My other BPDexgf which came right before her (2 in a row in quick succession, lucky me), would contact me and outright ask to get back together. I shot her down each time knowing the pain and struggle she put me through when I took care of her for 5 years. Now when she contacts me it's very painful too, because she'll tell me she's pregnant and engaged to some ___ing junkie she met in rehab, when I spent 5 hard years hoping she would get her ___ together at some point so we could have that life. Between both of these girls unable to leave me alone it feels like I'll never heal. I've been away from the first BPDex for a year now, and coming up in March it will be a year from the most current ex.

With the first one I was able to talk with her about her BPD more. She was a low functioning rager, but she was also the type that would at least want to talk even though it would usually end up in a cyclical argument. The current one, though actually coming out and telling me about her BPD diagnosis when we finally said we love each other, refuses to admit that BPD had anything to do with the choices she made in respect to her cheating. She didn't think what she did was cheating (because we hadn't had sex in a whole 12 days when  she did it, so it must be ok). Although from coming here and doing my own research I can see with full clarity that BPD controls her completely. I remember back in April when there was an incident where she FB creeped me and showed up at the same bar with my replacement. The next day when we spoke though email, she told me how happy she was and how she is wants to be everything he needs. But what I saw that night was a person who had been in a rush to get to the bar while I was still there, and the loneliest, saddest look on her face I had ever seen when she is supposed to be soo happy. I guess that's another reason these blank emails rattle me so much- it's classic BPD behavior yet she probably doesn't even realize it, or if she does is ashamed of it. If she's so happy, leave me alone and let me move on with my life. I think if it happens again I'm going to have to tell her I'm blocking her email, and that this is it, we will never speak again.

[HazelJade]

Thank you for this thread. I find it amazing how patterns are identical, here.

I've had blank e-mails too, with very cryptic subject lines and nothing inside; once he gave me a later explanation that the phone had sent the e-mail all by its own. I never bought it, but couldn't articulate an intelligent answer to that, I was probably too confused.

What confused me, and still confuses me, the most though were the "song e-mails"; just a youtube link with some desperate love songs, and complete Radio Silence after my reply.

I have cried all my tears in confusion and frustration for this, but never had an answer to the real why.

[BorderlineMagnet]

Hazel,

It's funny how something so small and insignificant like a blank email can have such a profound effect on us. If they didn't want us, why can't they just leave us alone? Or if they have something to say, just say it. I know pwBPD carry a lot of shame, so maybe they just really don't know how to break the ice with us in a constructive way. The LC I've had with my most current ex since our break up, I've had to try and remember to keep my messages as brief as possible. I know when it comes to emotional content, pwBPD have a hard time processing too much information. I've had replies from her that were "I really don't know what to say". Most adults can form an opinion or thought about pretty much anything, but like a child she just basically is saying "I don't know". Probably because if she answered honestly that would mean owning up to things she did.

I guess deep in my heart I hope these emails are trying to reconnect with me. While she really hurt me by cheating, I still love her and would give anything for just one more day... .

[HazelJade]

Hazel,

If they didn't want us, why can't they just leave us alone? Or if they have something to say, just say it.

Thank you for articulating these thoughts; I guess a big part of the relief I felt reading this thread is that you have said out loud the things that always have been inside me but I have never had the chance (or the strength) to express... .I think what you told her in your apology email was perfect; so honest, and straight to the point. I wish I had had the same strength and courage at the right moment but I was so hurt and confused by his ambivalence (he was sending love songs to me and posting pictures of his new girlfriend at the same time) that I played it cool. I see now all my coolness as part of the game; your simple, honest words are the way to go.

I really don't know if they feel ashamed; it feels like passive aggressiveness is some sort of second nature to them. When we were still together it was taking the form of small insecurities and slightly weird behaviours (like... .disappearing for a few days every time he felt threatened by my traveling, which he probably perceived as a chance for me to meet other men). After the break up they became much more than insecurities, and took the character of punishment.

Then, like a pendulum, he was desperate again, and then maybe yes, ashamed too; he once told me that he hoped I didn't think of him as a bad person and that he felt guilt. He also contacted me again out of the blue to apologize for not answering to my last e-mail, only to do it again and again. It is kind of maddening. My e-mails have always been very brief and positive, and always in reply to something he had done to approach me. As you, I hoped for so long that we could be cool again with each other, as this covered conflict that I perceive, this power struggle, the passive aggressive games, to me are such a waste of time and energy... .but as I'm learning on these boards this is possibly the result they always unconsciously aimed for... .you know, the Drama. It is just really sad, and it's sad that I'm still here still trying to wrap my mind around it. We have been incredibly happy together, all the madness came up after the break up which was totally sudden and unanticipated by me, so I don't even have the relief to think that I'm out of an abusive situation, cause it wasn't.

Sorry for the rambling, and thank you again for sharing your thoughts here, it's being really helpful for me.