The extremes (love to hate) keep me stuck in the loop

[swimjim]

No contact has been 11 months and I still ruminate. She went from pressuring me into marriage to calling the police and filing a restraining order. I apologize for my redundancy if you have read my previous threads. The only problem I have ever had legally in my past was a speeding ticket. Every morning I get up and am so ashamed for having the police call me to leave her alone. Then I prove to her my no contact throught the next four months and she still wants to put me through the hearing. I never harrassed her nor threatened her which is why the judge threw out the restraining order. It does not help how I feel right now. Why didn't she just block my number and emails, and warn me. I had no idea this was coming. I didn't marry her WHEN SHE WANTED because I had been divorced twice and wanted to make sure I did it right this time. I just want to stay on course and truly believe in my heart that things worked out for my own good here. I just want some encouragement. Thanks in advance.

[Learning_curve74]

Hey swimjim, I'm sorry to hear that you're still struggling with how things turned out 11 months out. You loved her enough to know that you wanted to make sure before rushing into marriage. That's a depth of loving and caring some people can't reach or understand.

Having been married and divorced twice, you probably understand that sometimes it's not meant to be. Some people are meant to touch or lives for a specific time period because we needed them and they needed us, and maybe it was something we needed to learn and not even that specific person, they were just the messenger.

Keep moving forward and believe that what happened was for the best for you and for her. If you want more suffering without directly experiencing it yourself, please visit the Staying board to read those stories. As heartbreaking as our stories are here on the Leaving board, the ones on the Staying board can be even harder for me to read.

Have you ever been to counseling or therapy to help deal with your loss? And believe me, the end of a relationship like this is a loss and we go through a process of grieving. Sometimes a trained professional can offer invaluable help to guide us through this process.

Hang in there swimjim. We care and we are listening. 

[TakingWingAtLast]

SwimJim,

Looks like you are doing all the right things for yourself.  Finish the detachment and get on with your new life.  There is NO shame in having the police called.  My expwBPD called 9 times and I didn't even get arrested, ever.  Your ex maintained the restraining order to hurt and to keep you engaged!  It wasn't really even about you.

Move on, SwimJim!  You're almost there!

D

[swimjim]

Thank you learning curve and dpendberg for your responses. I never knew she could hate me so much. She used to trust me with her life and to turn on me in this manner and then date my best friend has been so agonizing. My self esteem has been shattered and they think it's a joke.

[charred]

Read many of your post a while back... .been in same place at times, but found a few things that helped me. First was seeing a T... for stress, and he recommended mindfulness, which stopped my ruminating and cut out maybe 90% of my stress. Then SB suggested Brene Brown's books and I read and took them to heart and concluded that my main issue is keeping people at a distance... .fear of real intimacy, and what got me in to the BPD r/s was boundary busting by my pwBPD. She burst in to my life and refused to keep her distance (or do anything else I wanted more than briefly.)

You are not a felon, you have been goaded by a masterful manipulator in to doing something beneath you and have regrets about it... .for me... .that is very much like my entire BPD r/s... .the whole thing was a mistake... and I regret it.

The trick is staying in the moment (living your life ... .not thinking about it and ruminating on it)... .and forgiving yourself, your pwBPD, and anyone else you are carrying baggage around from. These boards help because we share, get support and comfort from them... .the very things you want in friends, family, and a partner... if you were happily dealing with friends, family and a partner you wouldn't be here... .its okay to make a mistake, falling for someone less than perfect is very common, forgive yourself and do something about it... .fix the only person in the world you can be sure will be under your control to fix. (Just working on your problems is rewarding... I feel much better than I did most my life... having got issues off my chest and  realizing how good I have it, despite having made some mistakes.)

So long as you are in a loop you are still trying to "make it work somehow"... to stop that... .mindfulness kept me in the present and radical acceptance of the situation, of it being over, and forgiving myself... made it where I could walk away and be okay with that. Took a while, but you are well on your way.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

No contact has been 11 months and I still ruminate. She went from pressuring me into marriage to calling the police and filing a restraining order. I apologize for my redundancy if you have read my previous threads. The only problem I have ever had legally in my past was a speeding ticket. Every morning I get up and am so ashamed for having the police call me to leave her alone. Then I prove to her my no contact throught the next four months and she still wants to put me through the hearing. I never harrassed her nor threatened her which is why the judge threw out the restraining order. It does not help how I feel right now. Why didn't she just block my number and emails, and warn me. I had no idea this was coming. I didn't marry her WHEN SHE WANTED because I had been divorced twice and wanted to make sure I did it right this time. I just want to stay on course and truly believe in my heart that things worked out for my own good here. I just want some encouragement. Thanks in advance.

Swimjim,

You are in good company. My ex went to the police after we were broken up because I sent some angry texts to him when I found out after the fact he had been cheating the whole time. To think there were several times I could have had him arrested and never did and he does that. He is a grown frigging man and can rough up women but I send some texts because I never had a voice because he just disappeared and the poor thing wants to press charges. I felt the same why doesn't he just block me? Why? Because he loves the attention.

Personally I think that if someone came into the police station the first thing I would advise is to block them. If you don't you have no case. It's not like I was a threat of any kind. Just hurt.

It was slightly embarrassing that the cop had to tell me to lose his number but everyone I have spoken with said they would have done the same thing. I am sure it's harder for you because you had to face people in court so I totally sympathize with that. But you have to remember they caused this. Cause and effect.

I also know that he got a restraining order against another woman for texting because he dropped her like a rock and she was distraught at his cruel treatment. It's just what they do. Create situations where they can be the perpetual victim.

Try not to be hard on yourself. It's not your fault. We are only human for gods sake and can only take so much.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

As to the topic extreme love / hate. I have always thought this is one of the main reasons it is so hard to heal and get over these types of relationships.

It is too hard for the minds to compute this extreme back and forth. It's not normal to say the least. Plus we start to get conditioned to it and it totally twists our minds into a pretzel that takes a long time to untwist. A normal break up hurts but never like this. It will get better though.

Swimjim,

I guess my advice is to not beat yourself up for how long it takes. Like there is something wrong with you. I think that makes our pain worse and prolongs pain.  I have read it could take 1 to 2 years. I guess I have decided to realize it will take some time and let it be what it is. coming to grips with that has actually helped me.

[swimjim]

Charred, what is mindfullness? Also, Iwalk-Heruns, My exBPDgf lived 3,000 miles away when she came to town on business and seduced me the evening she called me to meet for dinner. For the next 5 months we just communicated by email and phone long distance when she made a decision on her own to move to my town. I told her not to make the decision based on me alone because I would feel a huge burden if our relationship did not work out. I was actually content with her living where she did. She is the one who pursued me. Five months after moving, she is demanding marriage. I did not know anything about BPD at the time but I guess when I did not budge to get her the ring, she started a slow devaluation process of me. After many attempts at making me feel guilty for not getting her engaged, she turned to my best friend. She seduced him and started a smear campaign and I was dropped on my head. Part of me did not trust her even at the beginning because she admitted to me that years ago she got pregnant on purpose with her previous boyfriend so she would have a baby of her own and try to get him to marry her. He would not marry her and then her focus turned to me. How did I get embroiled in all this? Would you not agree that there are many signs of some kind of disorder here if not BPD? As far as I know, she has not been diagnosed. As far as my ex best friend, he is no longer a friend of mine after 25 years of friendship.

[santa]

I think the extremes love/hate are what makes the relationship addictive. It's trauma bonding. This is probably why we all have Stockholm Syndrome... .Lol.

[charred]

Mindfulness... .awareness of the present moment... being present. You can pay attention to your breathing, rise and fall of your chest... stuff like that to keep yourself in the here an now. When combined with relaxing, it helps to stop intrusive thoughts from the past or worries about the future... which is what all the ruminating consists of.  There is more to it, but that is the essence of it. Sounds simple... and it is, but the more cerebral we are, the less we tend to be present and living life... and the more we are detached, thinking, worrying and stressing.

[damage control]

Just a quick note SJ:

The 'shame' of having the police involved is HER shame, not yours. Do not own it, place it squarely where it belongs and chalk it up to another battle scar that you didn't and don't deserve.

This is the thing with BPD's ... they are constantly battling, but, as nons, we don't know this ... so we enter a relationship unprepared for the battle (without armour or appropriate weapons training if you will ) and we get slaughtered ... .this isn't our fault. This doesn't mean our wound don't bleed ... but it does mean that we were never playing on a level field. We didn't stand a chance.

[charred]

Stockholm syndrome...   I like that, we bonded with our captors... .and are a bit brainwashed by the whole traumatic experience.

Kind of fits.  

[swimjim]

Thank you damage control. I needed to read that. I will reread your comment at different times when my mind starts to get caught once again in the loop. It is hard not to take it personally becuase they can be so high functioning. She sold a bill of goods to  my so called best friend of over 25 years. She realed me in to a point but she could not close the sale with a ring on her finger. She is no longer with my ex friend but has quickly moved a new replacement into her home. Her daughter's head must be spinning.

[damage control]

The utter disregard for our feelings when they replace us so quickly and efficiently is devastating isn't it?

It makes you question your own worth in any capacity ... but ... learning about BPD and to recognise that this isn't, and never was personal helped me to detach from that ... I haven't done it completely, but watching him pull the same exact crap with my replacement is helping enormously ... .he cannot help himself, nor does he want to ... to him, this is just 'the way he is' ... screw him

[swimjim]

I wish I had the luxury to know that  the replacement is getting the same treatment or is doomed to get the same treatment as I did. I have no way of knowing. I guess I just have to believe he will experience the same fate as I did. No contact will keep me in the dark since we do not have any common acquaintances. Maybe it is best that I don't know but it would sure help me take the burden off of myself if I knew for sure that he is going to get the same treatment that I did.

[damage control]

I too doubted that it would happen to the new one. In point of fact, my biggest fear was that he would engage in a LTR with her and find his true 'soulmate'.

That cold still happen. My replacement is a psychologist and I figure that is she hasn't realised by now what he is like/capable of then she is possibly going to be his dream come true - someone who will possibly be fascinated and drawn to the crazy ... .I digress but my point is that, the fear is still there and there is no way to really know.

I watch his presence on an internet dating site - just to reassure myself that even though it has only been a few weeks, he cannot help but keep 'looking' for the next thing ... .and yes, that helps, but it doesn't predict the outcome of him and her.

So, I guess we all have that fear.

In a way, 'knowing' or having access to him in person and online makes it more difficult to detach entirely so, it's a trade off.

I would put money on the fact that yours will repeat the same script with your replacement because that is how they are wired/built. It'snot a choice, it's a compulsion ... it's part of who they are (and a big part of why you are here) ...  

[charred]

My replacement... .lasted 4 months... he said she was "unbalanced and forgettable"... .and left her with a STD, then she came back wanting sympathy from me for it.  I have stayed away.

She is her own worse enemy.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

Charred, what is mindfullness? Also, Iwalk-Heruns, My exBPDgf lived 3,000 miles away when she came to town on business and seduced me the evening she called me to meet for dinner. For the next 5 months we just communicated by email and phone long distance when she made a decision on her own to move to my town. I told her not to make the decision based on me alone because I would feel a huge burden if our relationship did not work out. I was actually content with her living where she did. She is the one who pursued me. Five months after moving, she is demanding marriage. I did not know anything about BPD at the time but I guess when I did not budge to get her the ring, she started a slow devaluation process of me. After many attempts at making me feel guilty for not getting her engaged, she turned to my best friend. She seduced him and started a smear campaign and I was dropped on my head. Part of me did not trust her even at the beginning because she admitted to me that years ago she got pregnant on purpose with her previous boyfriend so she would have a baby of her own and try to get him to marry her. He would not marry her and then her focus turned to me. How did I get embroiled in all this? Would you not agree that there are many signs of some kind of disorder here if not BPD? As far as I know, she has not been diagnosed. As far as my ex best friend, he is no longer a friend of mine after 25 years of friendship.

Swimjim,

Yes I would say there are many signs of BPD in her behavior and treatment of you. I guess none of us can be absolutely sure if they are BPD or what they have if they have not been diagnosed but what we absolutely, unequivocally know is that they are not healthy and are very disturbed and certainly not relationship material.

It sounds like maybe you are still questioning whether you are wrong or responsible in some way and that may be hindering your recovery. Is that possible?

[swimjim]

Yes I do find myself questioning if I really deserved the treatment. I want to fit all the pieces of her into a perfect BPD mold. Of 9 criteria, she definitely fits 4: maybe 3 more, and not 2.  She is highly functional and can charm many people. She is not suicidal or harmful to herself. Therefore, if all the pieces of the puzzle fit together, there would be no question. But it just isn't that clearcut.

[Waifed]

Thank you learning curve and dpendberg for your responses. I never knew she could hate me so much. She used to trust me with her life and to turn on me in this manner and then date my best friend has been so agonizing. My self esteem has been shattered and they think it's a joke.

My WAIF ex had the cops call me too. I never could have imagined she was even capable of something like that. I knew this woman for 3 years before I dated her for another 3.  She has very good control usually.  I figure I really hurt her for her to do something like that. That kind of makes me happy.  Of course she was probably over it that afternoon.

[swimjim]

Thanks Waifed for your response. Calling the police is such a radical action by a person we have known for so long. They have to know they should not fear us and invoke law enforcement. The only reason I can think of is to hurt us the best they can.I look back on our relationship and remember her at My front door at 2:00 A.M. on many occasions. It never crossed My mind to ever call the police on her.