I've been split and painted black

[whirlwinded]

I left my fiance and went to my mom's.  Needless to say I am extremely upset.  I have been going to NAMI meetings, my own therapist and reading endless books.  I come and back to this forum, which helps and then I go into the wrong forum and I feel so sad because everyone says run!

I left because basically, after going back and forth in my mind and hearing him say go, and when I said okay he said you don't really understand me.  Then a month or so later he gets crazy angry at me and says, if you don't go away (stop talking in the doorway of the room) I'm either going to go to a hotel or hit you with a bat.  So I said if you hit me with a bat, I will call the cops.  He then went on a tirade for the next couple of days saying it reminded him of when his mom called the cops on his father.  I tried to explain that basically I was saying if you throw a ball in the air, its going to come down.

Anyway apparently I cannot be forgiven.  It got to the point that he told me I was raising his blood pressure and that I was going to kill him.  I left because I did not want to kill him.  He has a heart condition, high blood pressure and I was actually frightened for him.  I packed up and left.  I have been talking to him.  He knows I am going to a therapist, for my anxiety caused by him.  When I tell him I am going to stop going because you apparently painted me black and if you won't be in my life I won't have anxiety, he gets mad and gives me the money to go.  I feel like all I am doing is going to therapy and doctors and I am not even sure he is. He says he is going to, but who knows.  I saw a list of things like the name of a therapist, the things he feels, all things that relate to his BPD.  I am a little panicked as he has MY BPD book and he is reading it and I am afraid it will trigger him.  I am so upset because he has BPD and depression.  Now his depression sets in because we are getting into the colder months.  I am worried about him, worried about me and just cannot concentrate.  When I say did you paint me black he says I think so, then he says we should have went to counseling a long time ago (however, now he does not want to go because I did not do this 2 years ago when he cheated and when I was unaware he even had BPD).  I feel like I am just living and every breath I take is revolving around BPD.  I am just so very upset that I'm done.  I feel equally as bad as now I possess the tools to talk constructively, but I feel he won't give me a chance as he sees me as black and bad.  I'm just very depressed and at a total loss.  I've even began to think I have BPD.  I began to think why did I not see this until it overwhelmed and engulfed me.  I don't know what to do.  I am living out of bags at my mom's house and cannot make a decision as to even what room should I move to as everything overwhelms me and nothing that mattered to me in the past does anymore.  If he would just throw me a bone and say okay I am addressing this for sure.  I say to him is it over between us and he says I'm not saying anything right now.  I don't think it is fair to say that to me.  I'm afraid to say that.  I'm afraid to make a move, make a decision, move forward, etc. I tell my friend all this and she looks at me like I have 10 heads.  Normally and in past relationships, I never accepted this behavior and now all of a sudden I turned into someone I dont even know.  I just want to know if I can ever be white again or am I black forever.  It makes no sense to me to live these BPD meetings, weekly therapy and be all over the BPD forums.  Any advice please? Thank you.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[foggydew]

Yes... .take time out, time for you. A short break. Where you think about eating, sleeping, laughing, moving and nothing else. Go shopping. Watch films. Maybe only for two or three days, but give yourself a break. Think of it as a weekend. You can come back to everything later and seek solutions, but you need a break. Nothing earthshaking, no decisions, no coping, just a bit of peace and freedom. He and the world can cope without you for a couple of days.

[living in the past]

Wow i got all the feelings you have,makes me relieze i am not crazy or BPD.but have been affected by pwBPD,i will recover so will  you because i,you are stepping back ,agree with previous reply