Daughter was arrested (part 2)

[crazedncrazymom]

I really appreciate all of you and your advice and suggestions. I need to be told like it is on occassion to make me realize that I might be handling something wrong, etc. When you're in it, it's sometimes hard to see what's really going on. And I guess I'm a creature of habit from being with my exh from the time I was 15 until I was 38, who has similiar "traits" as DD.

You are in an impossible situation!  You feel like you are doing everything possible to get this child under control and nothing is working.  You must be feeling pretty out of control yourself and exhausted and everything else!  When did you say the court date will be?  I hope the judge will help you get her into a treatment center.  I think that may  be your only hope.  Honestly, it does take 2 to make a healthy relationship.  She has to want to make it work too and she just doesn't care.  Also, I think it would do you a world of good to have some time apart without the craziness so that you can have some peace for awhile.  I remember Matt saying earlier in the other thread that you can work with the DA to make sure the alternative is so harsh that she will gladly sign herself into a treatment center.  

Keep taking care of yourself and ask your dh for help.  

-crazed  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

Hi. Sorry I've been MIA for a while. Lots going on with my mom. I'm taking things day by day. That's all I can do. No court date set yet. I'll be on when I can. Thanks.  

[pessim-optimist]

Take good care of yourself, and let us know when things settle down a bit, ok?

[raytamtay3]

Hi all. I needed to take a break from everything related to my DD's disorder. But now I'm back because I received the summons yesterday for the second arrest (aggrevated assault). Turns out we make too much for a public defender AND HAVE TO get an attorney on our dime. Lovely. We haven't received the summons for the first arrest (possession) yet. This kid is literally putting us in the poor house! Merry Christmas to me!

[pessim-optimist]

Yikes! I am so sorry to hear that... . 

I am not saying that you should do this, but do you have an option to NOT get an attorney at all? Are there any other options? Would the juvenial hall have someone you can talk to about your options as a parent in these situations?

[raytamtay3]

Yikes! I am so sorry to hear that... . 

I am not saying that you should do this, but do you have an option to NOT get an attorney at all? Are there any other options? Would the juvenial hall have someone you can talk to about your options as a parent in these situations?

No, we don't have the option to not get her one. I asked. But because she is a minor and it's a 4th degree offense, by law, we must.

[peaceplease]

raytamtay3,

I am sorry for what you are going through.  That is awful that you are required to get her an attorney!  That does not seem fair to you! 

Your ex husband should be responsible for half of the fee, right?

[raytamtay3]

Nope because I have full legal and physical custody. I'm responsible. Plus he cries poor all the time.

IDC, I'm still excited about X-mas and want to use this icon thingy. .  

[raytamtay3]

I was given a listing of court appointed attorneys who don't require a retainer upfront, and will do a payment plan.  There goes my tax refund. But on the bright side, at least I'll have it to use. Postive thinking Tam, positive thinking... .

[mggt]

      thinking of you and praying all goes well for you   

[peaceplease]

I was given a listing of court appointed attorneys who don't require a retainer upfront, and will do a payment plan.  There goes my tax refund. But on the bright side, at least I'll have it to use. Postive thinking Tam, positive thinking... .

 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

So the agenda today is to contact the listing of attorneys I was given. To explain the challenges of my DD and to ask that they push for a court order for her to attend a dual RTC for long term care. Our caseworker we've been with for the inhome treatment is coming to court with us in January to push same.

I'm going to explain everything that's been going on for the past few years including the 3 stints at BHC, her many diagnoses over the course of a few years, her behavorial problems at home, in  school and in the community, her lack of responsibility, her refusal to obey any and all rules, her disregard for all authority figures, her two prior disordly conducts for fire setting in PA (her and a friend lit some leaves on fire at a park and the other time was for cursing out a police officer) for which she served community service, her verbal and aggressive abuse, her drug taking, lying, stealing, etc.

Any other suggestions?

[crazedncrazymom]

Sounds like you have it all under control.  It's wonderful that you have a plan and sound very clear about the direction.

-crazed

[co.jo]

Do you think it would be a good idea to mention the person she is behind the illness- some positives about who she could be, so they see it is worth looking for healing over punishment or incarceration?

[raytamtay3]

Update: We are due to meet with an attorney on Dec. 27. I laid everything out for him and then asked what he though our chances were of getting it court ordered to have her placed in a RTC. He said well it will depend on the judge, the recources we've taken, my daughter's willingness to participate and the fact that she was prescribed, but doesn't take medication. What I heard was: The judge will probably give her probation. Which she will fail for either testing postive for drugs or some other requirement she won't follow, and then she'll either go to Juvi or maybe THEN they'll decide a RTC. Sorry. I just don't feel good about this.

[MammaMia]

Ray

Miracles do happen.  I hope you get a judge who will see the value in helping your dd with RTC.

Stay strong.

[raytamtay3]

Do you think it would be a good idea to mention the person she is behind the illness- some positives about who she could be, so they see it is worth looking for healing over punishment or incarceration?

Yes, and I always do. I said she is a smart, talented, beautiful girl who needs help to find her way.

[crumblingdad]

This was how we got our DD17 into RTC.  She was refusing and it was only the threat of juvenile detention or RTC that convinced her to get started.  It took the very difficult task of standing up in court and telling the judge that if she comes home she will continue to sneak out, continue to put herself and others at risk with her drug use and that she's safer in detention if she doesn't accept RTC as an option.

The judge was very willing and the prosecutors were also more then willing to all agree on this arrangement.  Typically in the juvenile courts the focus is far more on finding rehab and proper help then once you hit the adult criminal system.

[raytamtay3]

It just never ends! Yesterday my mother had a Dr.'s appointment for which my SIL took her. So that meant DD was alone in the house. She knows we have cameras. She knows we have one facing my mother's room and she knows she is not allowed in my mother's room. I told my mom to shut her door when she left. I can't trust mother with key because she is not of sound mind... .

My DH called me yesterday to inform me that in reviewing the recording, he saw DD enter my mother's room, shut the door and stay in there for over a half hour. I questioned her later asking if she wanted to explain to me what she was doing in her grandmother's room for over a 1/2 hour. Her excuse was she was charging her phone on my mother's charger because she couldn't find her own and that my mother told her she can't take it from her room, so she was texting her friends while it was charging... .We locked up all of my mother's controlled substance medication. However, it is in a safe in my mother's room. There is a lock box also in my mother's room with a code on it. In the lock box was a key to the safe that the hospice people had code to in order to lock up any medications they brought in or needed to take out for my mother. The key is gone... .the code was hidden in a drawer of my mother's room for the hospice people.  I went through the contents of the safe, which includes about 8 bottles of Xanax and pain killers. I could not account for anything being missing because I never counted the contents.

DD was not home when DH and I got home and we combed her room looking for meds., the key or anything else that she could have maybe gotten from my mother's room. We found a small white pill on her floor... .so we took out my mother's pills and tried to compare. It did not match the xanax or the pain pills. It matched a water pill... .We watched the video further. DD took out my mothers charger out of her room and was charging it in the living room. Not my mother's room as she claimed... .

Lastnight DD came home beyond messed up. She could barely open her eyes. Clearly under the influence which she pretty much always is every night now. After she passed out on the sofa, I took her purse to go through it. Low and behold, she had a gold ring and gold necklace that she stole from my mother's jewlery box. I took them and plan on confronting her today.

So this morning I get in to my car to come to work. What do I see laying on the floor of the passenger side? Her cell. So I read her messages... .there is a conversation between her and a boy. It talks about my daughter supplying xanax to this boy and him paying her for it. Then the boy states how it didn't work. Daughter said give it time. The boy replied it still didn't work but I'll still pay you.

Burnt out. :'(

[raytamtay3]

Oh and to add insult to injury. When my DD came out of the BHC a few weeks ago, she showed me this ring she liked in a magazine. It has a cross on it with a couple tiny diamonds and inscribed with "You'll Never Walk Alone" on it. So I bought it for her for Xmas. It cost $100. Now I'm wondering if I should return it. Because she will probably just hock it anyway.  :'(

[crazedncrazymom]

Oh raytamtay,   

You sound so exhausted.  I am so sorry you're going through this after everything else.  You must be feeling so many emotions right now.  Do you have a plan for confronting her with these items?  Think about how she normally reacts when you confront her and how you can react in a way to help the situation progress and come to a resolution. 

What do you want out of the situation?

What can you realistically get out of the situation?

How will you react if she escalates, leaves the house or says she doesn't care?

How can you prevent her from going into your mother's room in the future?

The best way I've found to have these type of confrontations is to have a plan.  I wish you all the best and hope this all works out for you.  Keep us updated when you have time.

-crazed

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[swampped]

Dear raytamtay:  No bright ideas from this corner, but I did want you to know that you and your family are  in my thoughts and prayers at this very difficult time.  I am not sure why things always get worse over the holidays, or if maybe it just seems so, as you have been on this merry-go-round for such a long time.  I wish you some peace and some peace for your dd, who surely is hurting in all of this.  Please accept a few      from a friend on this board.      Swampped

[MammaMia]

Ray

I am so sorry for all of your troubles.  You must be overwhelmed by being a caregiver for your dd and your mother. Anyone would be.  All of this turmoil at Christmas just intensifies negative emotions.

Those of us dealing with a BPD loved one often believe absolutely EVERYONE else will have a storybook, picture perfect Christmas.  Filled with love and happiness.  I used to think that, which was very hurtful, but now I know better.  I have come to understand the dysfunction within my family and do not push for things they are not capable of.  

Believe it or not, this works wonders to help relieve the stress and drama of expectations that never happen, because they can't.  

The Christmas ring could be the one reminder she has that she is still loved, despite the mental and legal issues that loom ahead.  While it is very hard to predict what she might do, you know her best and will have to decide.

I know the money issues and how frustrating they are.  Been there, done that.  When the resources are gone, she needs to know.  Our BPD kids seem to think we are an endless source of funds, and sadly, we often help them at the expense of everyone else in the family.  This cannot go on forever.

You have not failed your dd.  You have done everything you can, and it is time for her to acknowledge your efforts by cooperating with those who want to help her.  I hope she is able to do that.  

Amongst all the craziness and despair, there is still much to be thankful for.  

I wish you hope and peace... .the best Christmas gift of all.

[raytamtay3]

Hi everyone. Lots going on. Not sure if I posted it before, but my dad was recently diagnosed with prostate cancer - stage IV. I'm his only child so on top of everything else going on, I'm preparing a POA to handle his finances. He will be 80 next month (14 years older than my mom). He is currently in a rehabilitation center. Trying to figure out what's next with him as far as care. I simply cannot bring him to my house between having my mom and DD's issues.

Things with DD have been horrible. Christmas day she learned that her 16 year old friend got engaged and after opening gifts, said she was just going to run over to her house for an hour and would be back. I told her no, but she left anyway. I had family over. She had the audacity to stroll in in the middle of our dinner, take food and leave again not to return until the next day. I tried to block her from leaving and she pushed passed me. I was so embarassed.

NYE she told me she was going to stay out and I told her she did not have my consent to do so, but she did anyway. And nope. I didn't call the police.  Since than she stayed out one more and that's when I said that's it. I'm tired of letting her constantly get away with things. Tired of my inconsistency. Tired of being gun shy to call the police. And what happened? The officer who brought her home got on my case for calling them! Asking if I tried calling around to her friends before calling the cops. No I didn't because 1. I don't have their numbers and 2. I didn't know where she was. I asked the police officer for his badge number and name. . I know, bad. But I was pissed as he was saying this infront of my daughter! THIS is why I haven't called them! But she showed herself to him anyway. Truth be told this was the first encounter with this particular officer and so to be fair, I guess he didn't know the whole situation. Anyway she ended up screaming at him saying if he would have been at her friends house 5 minutes earlier he would have never found her. That she had "just gotten there" and how next time he will never find her. He ended up saying "call us any time you need us". But I was livid. I've sinced calmed down but honestly this is why I've stopped calling.

Anyway she called me every name in the book when they left. Told me I need to die. To please get in a car accident and die. That she hoped I'd get shot and bleed out. I just looked at her thinking to myself, wow, what a troubled child she is... . and how I could never imagine saying that to my mom.

Court date is the 15th. I received the petition for the assault, which happened after the possession, and have yet to get the summons for the possession.

[MammaMia]

raytamtay2

I think if your dd is offered bail, you should consider not paying it. If she is in jail, at least you will know where she is and that she is ok.  Do not worry about calling the cops... . their job is to help people in need.  You did nothing wrong.

Sounds like your Christmas and New Year's Eve was the same as many others who have a child wBPD.  I am so sorry this is all happening at a time when your father is very ill.  It would probably be best for him to be elsewhere, and it will give you an opportunity to get away to visit him.  You certainly have your hands full. 

When it rains, it pours, and I hope you can find some quiet time to decompress from all of this. 

Please keep us posted and take good care of yourself.

[raytamtay3]

Thanks MammaMia. She is only 14, so it would be a juvinile detention center. But the lawyer makes it seem that for a 4th degree offense, and this being her first, she won't even get that. But if they suggest it, in no way shape or form will I object to it!

I'm a paralegal and I told the lawyer that anything he needs me to do legwork wise to keep the fees to a minimal, I'll do. He seemed receptive to the idea.

[MammaMia]

raytamtay

Yes, as a juvenile, she will be treated differently than an adult.  Hopefully, the judge will be made aware of her BPD.  It would be an opportunity for treatment.

[crumblingdad]

Raytam - I am so sorry for what you are dealing with and it is so familiar to me.  I really hope you will consider working with the juvenile officer and the courts to get her forced into a dual dx RTC as part of her sentencing.  Juvenile detention will only expose her to worse things and is seldom a haven for any sort of mental health treatment or positive rehabilitiation for the substance abuse.  In my experience with our DD17 where yours is 14 this is going to spiral without treatment and when you think it can't get worse it will if she's not put into some sort of placement and fast.  I only wish at 14 we had gotten the RTC we've had her in now - it's not working great but in my heart I do know had we jumped on it 3 years ago we probably could've helped her much more effectively.

[Rapt Reader]

raytamtay3, I would like to second crumblingdad's suggestion about seeing if you can negotiate your daughter being admitted to a Dual Diagnosis Program as part of the court's decision. I, also, agree with him that it would be better than a Detention Center. You may be aware of my son's story (click the link in blue in my signature line, or the globe icon under my avatar), but he never got the true help he needed until he went to the Dual Dx Program that saved his life and his mental health. And he is 36 years old; had we had such a thing available for him when he was your daughter's age, imagine all the wasted years of his life that could have been happier, healthier and more productive for him. Please advocate for this outcome with her lawyer and the judge. You won't be sorry if you do... .

[raytamtay3]

I agree that having her sent to a dual RTC is what she needs, but even if I push for it, I simply do not have the money to send her there. Benefits only cover a portion.