Why YOU should comment on the Coping board

[Depression = 72% of members]

If you have been reading the posts on coping you no doubt have some shared experience with the writer. You have an opinion or a word of support. We all need that.  We live in a world that tries to make us feel shame for having a strained or nonexistent relationship with a family member.  Only here can we vent and be understood.  It is hard to keep seeing posts just sit there and no one commenting.  Your words are gold.  Your experiences can make someone else realize they are not alone in this unside down world of trying to find your inner peace amid constantly changing realities.  Please respond to posts. Please start new ones.  We come here because we need something.  We need to speak up, we need to give each other that written hug.  This time of the year is the hardest of all for many of us, myself included.  Let's make this Coping section active.

[nevermore]

If you have been reading the posts on coping you no doubt have some shared experience with the writer. You have an opinion or a word of support. We all need that.  We live in a world that tries to make us feel shame for having a strained or nonexistent relationship with a family member.  Only here can we vent and be understood.  It is hard to keep seeing posts just sit there and no one commenting.  Your words are gold.  Your experiences can make someone else realize they are not alone in this unside down world of trying to find your inner peace amid constantly changing realities.  Please respond to posts. Please start new ones.  We come here because we need something.  We need to speak up, we need to give each other that written hug.  This time of the year is the hardest of all for many of us, myself included.  Let's make this Coping section active.

[P.F.Change]

You are right, nevermore. There is so much more valuable support here on Coping just waiting to happen. I know sometimes we might feel like we just don't have anything worthwhile to add to a topic; but even just a simple "I hear you," or, "Thanks for sharing," can mean a lot. The times I needed support, especially when I was first deciding to send a NC letter to my parents, members here at bpdfamily helped me feel I was not alone. It is such a struggle to recover from a relationship with a family member who has BPD; it can feel isolating when the rest of the family and society as a whole just doesn't understand. Having a community like this one really helps.

We may not all be able to post every time we pop in here, but I would love to get to know more of our members better, too. Each one has something unique to bring and a kind word that can . I am thankful to be able to give back a little bit after so many people sent words of support to me.

PF

[Marcia]

 Well said P.F., you are always so insightful. You have helped me a lot, as well as other contributors, here. It is such a weird position to be in, this NC land... .and not one any of us looked for--such a relief to know that other , perfectly fine people, have had to reluctantly take the same stand.

We all deserve relatively happy, non-crazy lives, and we need to help each other to feel okay about taking care of ourselves and not losing years more to BPD -caused ugliness.

[BlueCat]

but even just a simple "I hear you," or, "Thanks for sharing," can mean a lot.

Thanks for that P.F., and for this thread nevermore.

I'm far enough along in my therapy that I know there is no magic bullet, there is no one book/therapy/practice/pill that will make everything better. Sometimes I come to the board and I feel like I have nothing productive to say because of that.

I forgot how important it is to just hear that someone gets it. I got *so much* out of this board in the early days (3 years ago) when I was in the midst of my breakthrough crisis. Not because anyone had a magic pill, but because I met people who got it. People who had been there, done that and didn't tell me to suck it up and take the abuse because "she's your mother".

I don't know what was going on with moderation last year when this board got chastised for talking too much (or talking in the wrong way? I still don't understand) and yeah I did stop posting so much after that. But telling my story and having people listen and say "I understand" was the #1 biggest help for me. I did it in person with a therapist and in person with a peer group (for adults abused as children) but *this board* was the biggest help when I was first struggling. So many people here told stories that could have been mine with just a few details changed and that just blew me away. I always thought I was alone, that my mother was unique in the world and it meant so much to find out that wasn't true.

I'd like it if we could get this board hopping again like the old days. Hey, at least for Christmas that would be nice (Chanukah and Thanksgiving are over at least - we're almost done with the Season of Misery! ).

[redroom]

I love this board.  I check it every day, and read every post, even though I don't always reply.  I'm also so grateful that I've finally found a place and people who get it! 

I'll admit, sometimes my brain just shuts down, and I want to write, but I just can't get it to connect.

I didn't realize that this board was the Coping and Healing Board that you were talking about!  When I saw your post, I went to the main page and looked everywhere for a "Coping and Healing Board"! 

[redroom]

I've also noticed, on a different forum, that it's common for people to just reply with "I'm not sure how to reply, but I just wanted to let you know that I've read what you wrote."  That really means a lot, especially when it's so hard to write your story out in the first place. 

[nevermore]

I have been coming here for a very long time, off and on.  When things get bad I come back. It wasn't until a few days ago that I was made aware that there is a definite separation between the Coping and Healing Board and the healing board. I think of coping as one of the many ways of working toward healing. It wasn't until I tried to post on Healing and couldn't that I realized we can't be active on both.  This is what I was sent regarding the two sites:

[L5]  Coping and Healing from a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw

Personal healing and managing of a relationship with a family member suffering from BPD.

This new board will focus on relationship tools (communication, values/boundaries, etc) and working through the 21 steps.  Members will be allowed to vent as part of problem solving or part of the "remembering" process, but random ranting with no direction will be discouraged. Members will be encouraged to look at their role in ending the cycle of conflict and in healing. The intention is to emerge from victim to survivor.

[L3] Coping and Healing in a Family with a BPD Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw

Being heard and understood during a difficult and traumatic period in our life -- one day at a time.

This board is intended for the adult children and family members that are very wounded are starting to realize that they have been treated abusively and are processing their anger and resentments and feelings of loss.


Since I am not interested in a 21 step process but come here to vent and share experiences I am in Coping.  I am not crazy about the separation and feel that we learn from each other no matter which particular little section we are in. 

[Deb]

Since I am not interested in a 21 step process but come here to vent and share experiences I am in Coping.  I am not crazy about the separation and feel that we learn from each other no matter which particular little section we are in.

This is me too. I don't vent that much, don't care about their "21 steps." I AM healing, but do not ever want a relationship with my dBPD sister. Not unless she 1) admits she has a problem (or problems) 2) seeks help for it, 3) stays in recovery for a period of time and 4) aplogizes to those she has harmed.

My healing is taking me to try new things and do work on myself. I am understanding things better than ever. I understand the desire for people to get well, but forcing people is another thing. I think all of us could contribute in a positive way to the other board. I think some of those on that board could contribute here. But oh well, it's just my thinking.

[redroom]

This is how I feel, too!  Right after the split, I sent a message about it to one of the moderators (I forget whom), and they told me that a lot of people wanted two separate boards.  I'm not entirely sure why (I'm sure it was explained to me, but I forget what was said).  I never knew the 21 steps were a part of it, though.  If you look at many of the posts on either board, they'd fit on both boards.

There've been a few posts on the other board that were asking for very specific information (e.g. one was joining the military to get away) that I could give, and the only way for me to do so would be to send a PM.  I did, but the person didn't notice the PM for a very long time.  Sometimes it's a pain to have to send a PM, and then there are other people on their board who may get something out of what we would post, and vice versa.  Maybe someone lurking had the same question about joining the military, and didn't want to do a duplicate post.  When she saw that there had been no replies, the thought may have been that no one was interested or had any information. 

I feel that a soultion would be to separate the boards more (maybe have a general board, and one just for the 21 steps), and let people post on both.  A lot of people on the other board now may not be working through the 21 steps, but post there anyway.  It's weird to divide us up like this, and not let us post on each other's boards. 

Or maybe let people post on both boards after they have a certain number of posts, either in general, or on just one of the two boards.

[Deb]

redroom,

FWIW, I agree completely with this.

I  feel that a soultion would be to separate the boards more (maybe have a general board, and one just for the 21 steps), and let people post on both.  A lot of people on the other board now may not be working through the 21 steps, but post there anyway.  It's weird to divide us up like this, and not let us post on each other's boards. 

Or maybe let people post on both boards after they have a certain number of posts, either in general, or on just one of the two boards.

[P.F.Change]

We all deserve relatively happy, non-crazy lives, and we need to help each other to feel okay about taking care of ourselves and not losing years more to BPD -caused ugliness.

I love this board.  I check it every day, and read every post, even though I don't always reply. I'm also so grateful that I've finally found a place and people who get it!

I always thought I was alone, that my mother was unique in the world and it meant so much to find out that wasn't true.

You all raise excellent points!

I can also understand some of the frustration about having two separate boards. I sincerely believe the staff here at bpdfamily is working very hard to find a balance that works for the most members possible. It will be important to remain patient and flexible, as changes are being considered that will address the some of the concerns you have raised. That said, what we can do here on this board to help make nevermore's (and BlueCat's) dream come true?

Let's make this Coping section active.

Some suggestions from those of you who have already contributed to the thread:

1)Read and listen

2)Reply

3)Validate

I would add, 4)Encourage personal growth.

What might that look like here on [L3]Coping?

Deb, you mentioned that you are trying new things and doing work on yourself as part of your healing journey. Would you be willing to host a new thread to talk about what you are learning? It would be great to see how members here are working to overcome the hurt.

What else can we do to actively encourage participation on this board?

PF

[Deb]

Deb, you mentioned that you are trying new things and doing work on yourself as part of your healing journey. Would you be willing to host a new thread to talk about what you are learning?

Well, P.F., some of the things are directly healing in the sense of "therapy". I am writing songs and learning guitar and ukulele! And my husband tells me I should also learn banjo! Does that count? The reason I say it is part of my healing is because for years, I didn't think I could play music. Or write my own songs. I thought I was incompetent. Oh, and I sing. In public even! Something that I would have never ever done way back when. But the more I do these things, push myself beyond my limits, the better I feel.

[P.F.Change]

Well, P.F., some of the things are directly healing in the sense of "therapy". I am writing songs and learning guitar and ukulele! And my husband tells me I should also learn banjo! Does that count? The reason I say it is part of my healing is because for years, I didn't think I could play music. Or write my own songs. I thought I was incompetent. Oh, and I sing. In public even! Something that I would have never ever done way back when. But the more I do these things, push myself beyond my limits, the better I feel.

I think that would make a great topic for a new thread. 

PF