How do you cope with the memories?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Nevermore said that we should reply on coping. Okay, I have one for you. How do you cope with the memories? How can you cope with the memories of the slings and arrows after you spent a lifetime trying to forgive and forget just to get along with her? No matter what I think about, it always has a connecting memory of a horrible time with my mother. In effect, I have no good memories. In order to stay in a good mood, I have to stay in the present. I have no good memories of my mother and the memories of my husband are tainted by his infidelities and lies.

My mother was so good at lying that I cannot rely on my own memory of things being true. In order to get everything straight, I would have to analyze my life with her. It could get exhausting! One of the things that bother me is my behavior on letting problems slide. So many times, I just let her behavior go. I mean, you can't pick on everything and to be with her, you would have to. She was always saying things that were hurtful and mean. I don't think a good thing ever came out of that woman's mouth.

I'll give you a recent example. I just adopted two puppies. I adopted them from a rescue. The woman rescued the mother, then the mother had her litter. We now have two pups. They are adorable. But... .I keep hearing my mother's voice in my head. "You did the wrong thing." "You should have thought this through." "You should give one of them to a pound." "You're raising them wrong." "You're being an animal abuser if you let them spend any "time out" for doing something wrong." Over and over, I hear her voice in my head and it's taking all of the joy out of raising these two adorable pups. Yes, they can be a handful. Yes, most trainers would tell you that raising two brother pups is a bad idea... .but, I love them and they bring me a lot of joy - and a lot of work. To date, they have learned some very simple commands and are very bright but they are still in their puppy biting phase (let's hope they stop doing that - I've been working on it and it's hard).

I wish I could post pictures because these guys could melt your heart (we still need Christmas pictures of them). So, how do I get her voice out of my head? How do I cope with that? Anyone out there have animal stories where your mother either gave away your dog because it was your choice and not hers?

Once, my mother gave away a dog I was sitting for the summer! The dog belonged to a fraternity who asked me to watch for the summer. She thought the dog was too high strung so she gave her to a pound! I immediately got her back, but too late, she developed distemper from being around other dogs and died. She actually died in my arms. No one talked to me from that frat house again. I was mortified and very angry at her. Just another case where she did something evil and I got the blame.

How do you cope with that?

[Sasha026]

Nevermore said that we should reply on coping. Okay, I have one for you. How do you cope with the memories? How can you cope with the memories of the slings and arrows after you spent a lifetime trying to forgive and forget just to get along with her? No matter what I think about, it always has a connecting memory of a horrible time with my mother. In effect, I have no good memories. In order to stay in a good mood, I have to stay in the present. I have no good memories of my mother and the memories of my husband are tainted by his infidelities and lies.

My mother was so good at lying that I cannot rely on my own memory of things being true. In order to get everything straight, I would have to analyze my life with her. It could get exhausting! One of the things that bother me is my behavior on letting problems slide. So many times, I just let her behavior go. I mean, you can't pick on everything and to be with her, you would have to. She was always saying things that were hurtful and mean. I don't think a good thing ever came out of that woman's mouth.

I'll give you a recent example. I just adopted two puppies. I adopted them from a rescue. The woman rescued the mother, then the mother had her litter. We now have two pups. They are adorable. But... .I keep hearing my mother's voice in my head. "You did the wrong thing." "You should have thought this through." "You should give one of them to a pound." "You're raising them wrong." "You're being an animal abuser if you let them spend any "time out" for doing something wrong." Over and over, I hear her voice in my head and it's taking all of the joy out of raising these two adorable pups. Yes, they can be a handful. Yes, most trainers would tell you that raising two brother pups is a bad idea... .but, I love them and they bring me a lot of joy - and a lot of work. To date, they have learned some very simple commands and are very bright but they are still in their puppy biting phase (let's hope they stop doing that - I've been working on it and it's hard).

I wish I could post pictures because these guys could melt your heart (we still need Christmas pictures of them). So, how do I get her voice out of my head? How do I cope with that? Anyone out there have animal stories where your mother either gave away your dog because it was your choice and not hers?

Once, my mother gave away a dog I was sitting for the summer! The dog belonged to a fraternity who asked me to watch for the summer. She thought the dog was too high strung so she gave her to a pound! I immediately got her back, but too late, she developed distemper from being around other dogs and died. She actually died in my arms. No one talked to me from that frat house again. I was mortified and very angry at her. Just another case where she did something evil and I got the blame.

How do you cope with that?

[BlueCat]

 

My earliest good memory of my mom is from when I was 18. I have no good memories of her from childhood. So yeah, I get it.

It's winter where I am, and it's the holiday season, so right now it's a constant struggle to get the voices out of my head. I take my vitamin D, I do things for myself like the meditation I went to last night, or hanging with friends. But still, it's an every day thing. You're not alone there 

I think of it like what they say about meditation. You *are* going to have stray thoughts. Just accept that. When you have them, you don't freak, you just recognize it and still them. Lather, rinse, repeat I do that with the bad thoughts of my mother and sister. I accept that it's a daily thing (at least right now) and I just calmly stop them. My brain *thinks* it has to replay situations, or even make new ones up and argue with them, but I know this is not good and I stop myself. Yeah, I have to do it a lot. Sucks, but it is what it is.

Love your pups I have two. We did adopt them a year apart, but this is the first time I've had two dogs at the same time and it's so much fun! They play together and have such a blast Unfortunately, the 1 year old hasn't grown out of the nipping (sigh). Thankfully the big pitbull has, ! He's a sweetheart but looks scary so if he was the nipper it would be a problem. She's really a sweet dog and just mouthing but thankfully she's small so it's not scary (shhh, the pit is my favorite). 

[Sasha026]

I thought that after she died, it would get easier, but it doesn't. The memories plague me - but then that's what we're made of isn't it? Memories. I wish I could focus on fun times, but I was sandwiched in between two feuding parties, my husband and my mother, who hated each other. They never spoke to each other - just to me. It was quite a balancing act just inviting her to dinner. Forget the holidays... .and she never acknowledged my birthday. Sure, I got her usual two cards (one from the dog... .my dog), but she never actually took me out to dinner on my birthday, bought me a present or even (for the most part) spoke to me on my birthday. Since she would ALWAYS start a fight on Christmas, she was still "cooling off" by my birthday in January. The two cards were a capitulation as if she seemed to think to herself, "I'm a good mother who won't let my daughter's awful treatment of ME interfere with acknowledging her birthday." It was so big of her.

Anyway, I'm here now. Everyone's gone except these connecting stressful memories. I've tried meditation, as a matter of fact, it was a part of my panic disorder therapy (which is working quite well), but meditation doesn't work since my mind races when I'm quiet. I'm better with substitution memories - if that makes any sense. For the most part, I have to stay in the present or the past which does not include my mother. This is hard.

I spoke with my therapist about this and he said, "you have no basis for normalcy since everything in your life was dependent on insanity". He calls her behavior, "mindf---ing". He is very cognizant of BPD and has many patients who have had BPD parents. Dealing with the aftermath is incredibly hard since there was no consistency in parenting, as we all know. I have been trying to build new memories, and have done quite well with that, but still, there are rainy days when those old memories come back and drape over me like a dark blanket.

On the brighter side, the pups are adorable. They take up a lot of my time. In a way, they also remind me of my early days with my mother, for example, both will be very excited to see me, then they will rip up a favorite shoe or slipper. The pups will learn not to do that, memories of my mother will continue to destroy my heart.

[StarStruck]

Hi - usually around on other healing board ! Pleased to find coping area


I pause on the memory then let go without trying to analyze... .I find that lingering can make you feel increasingly bitter at the time.

There's quite a lot of them, 2/3 a day maybe the same ones at times. I find the memories are getting more annoying than they ever have been. Mainly because this is the longest time I haven't seen her (uBPD Mom - (high functioning witch type). I am coming up to deciding NC. Almost like my brain is saying "don't give her benefit of the doubt again, remember what she was like, remember what she did"

I have a slight complication in my Plan, as I want to salvage my relationship with my brother out of this. It's not going too bad. Although he was the golden child most of the time, it has begin to set in that she's not that great to have around. good stuff. As I haven't gone NC yet. He still talks to me about her which reminds me of the memories, that doesn't help one bit. However I have accepted that it is part of the process I'm on. General point: the memories are pants but do act as a reminder of why you should have OUT.

Should say I don't have any good memories that stand out of my Mom really, she hugged me after I was upset at school, hugs after rabbit died, clapped loudly stood up at kiddie school play? & that's just regular stuff isn't it?

I have realized I don't have emotional heart string moments when I think of her compared to other family members/people in my life. The most emotional moments when I was scared of her. Also the weird comments she used to come out with, sharing some odd stuff.

Gosh although I feel more on top of this than I ever have, it's blimin weird isn't it all this!

I LOVE THE MOM THAT DIDNT EXIST AND HATE THE ONE I HAVE BEEN LEFT WITH.