an awful weekend

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hiya Guys.

Had a terrible weekend. The emotions just seem to get worse. I have a day maybe two days of feeling ok, happy even, then the awful drop intop darkness and pain again.

2 months out now. Really think im getting depression now. I cant stop crying and I cant sleep.

I want to get better, to heal, to prove im better than her but im a mental and emotional mess.

I cant get passed what she has done to me and the total disregard for me as a person.

She doesent care at all.

My drinking isnt helping, when I start I cant stop. making me feel like crap!

I dont want her back.I had a thought today. The empty feeling I have since we split was there DURING the R/S!

I was on my own whilst in the bloody r/s! I was empty and alone and begging for scraps of affection.

I just want all this to be over. My life is a total F@#k up. I have to live with my mother and I lost my driving licence coz my head was messed up. Im stuck in the bottom of a dark well and cant get out.

All I wanted was to be loved. The feelings this time are so much worse after round 2!

Guys, NEVER,EVER RE-ENGAGE! its just not worth the cost.

sorry its a negative post. :'(

[Naddred369]

Hiya Guys.

Had a terrible weekend. The emotions just seem to get worse. I have a day maybe two days of feeling ok, happy even, then the awful drop intop darkness and pain again.

2 months out now. Really think im getting depression now. I cant stop crying and I cant sleep.

I want to get better, to heal, to prove im better than her but im a mental and emotional mess.

I cant get passed what she has done to me and the total disregard for me as a person.

She doesent care at all.

My drinking isnt helping, when I start I cant stop. making me feel like crap!

I dont want her back.I had a thought today. The empty feeling I have since we split was there DURING the R/S!

I was on my own whilst in the bloody r/s! I was empty and alone and begging for scraps of affection.

I just want all this to be over. My life is a total F@#k up. I have to live with my mother and I lost my driving licence coz my head was messed up. Im stuck in the bottom of a dark well and cant get out.

All I wanted was to be loved. The feelings this time are so much worse after round 2!

Guys, NEVER,EVER RE-ENGAGE! its just not worth the cost.

sorry its a negative post. :'(

[paul16]

Sorry for what you're going through. Been there.

One thing that helped me was giving up drinking. Altogether. Like you, I usually didn't stop once I started.

I realized that I met her due to drinking. Her drinking at raging at inappropriate times about inappropriate things caused problems in the relationship. My drinking caused me to be her enabler and not see the situation clearly.

When my thought process was unclouded by alcohol (takes at least 30 days) I began to realize that alcohol was the root of many of my problems both personally and professionally.

I quit quite some time ago. All better now.

[necchi]

Naddred, don't beat yourself up we all make mistakes and sometimes we learn at a slow pace, returning to get closure from a post recycle and just making it worst, i know I've been there many, many times just to get lied to and lie to myself.

I'm self medicating like you and should know better, i have no word of wisdom for you since I'm in the same place you are, i even staid home today not wanting to face my life

i feel you man

[Waifed]

Naddred

I am 3 full months of NC.  I also started having some good days around 1-1/2 to 2 months or so and thought I had beaten this thing only to have the crappy feelings come back again.  I will say that at 3 months I still think about her a lot but it is not nearly as painful and more of a processing thing.  I am 100% sure I don't want anything else to do with her.  I am also doing better as far as my emotions go.  I still start crying over silly things.  I just let it happen.  It feels good to cry and I usually put out a pretty loud scream at the end of it.  I am having more good days in a row than I did at 2 months and the bad times are not as severe and easier to get over.  I think as I process all of the horrible things that I let her get away with I realize how bad and diseased she is.  

Overall, expect to start feeling better more often than feeling bad.  It is the times when you feel that you have gotten over her only to have that sinking feeling again in your stomach return that make you so mad.  Keep fighting the good fight.  You are improving.  Ask those closest to you.  I guarantee that they can see that you are improving.  

Also, I stay totally away from alcohol.  It is a depressant and I also fear drinking and dialing.  I don't want this crazy b*tch to know that I think one second about her.

[Naddred369]

thanks guys.

I know i need to stop drinking, I dont at home and not much during the week, but recently at weekends Ive been blacking out. I just think why not! well, its making me ill thats why not!

I used to be such a strong person now i feel weak and pathetic.

I new when I had the couple of days of feeling good that the negative energy would come back with a vengeance!

Feels like im clawing at life,dragging myself forwards, struggling upwards, tyrying to get healthy.

I know you have all been through/going through this and we really do deserve so much more, we shouldnt have to suffer like this.Hugs to everyone coz we need em!

[maxen]

hey naddred, no apologies for your posts! we've all been in hell for more or less time here, we're all here to support each other. i'm 9 weeks NC, yes it's utter misery. let's hang in there.

[Pretty Woman]

Yes, Naddred try to curb the drinking... .it only makes things worse.

I haven't watched tv or listened to music since my ex dumped me in October... .too painful to see or hear something that might remind me of my ex.

It's hard... .you want to clear your mind of her. I know, trust me.

[sirensong65]

I would tell you to stop the drinking.  But here I sit in bed on a Monday afternoon (called off work), drinking wine and bawling on and off most of the day.  Two days ago I couldn't cry and thought I was on a roll.

I have a couple of good days, then I crash.  I get out with friends, even outside to exercise, and then WHAM, I can't get out of bed and muster the desire to shower.

And he rolls on with life relieved...

[damage control]

I'm not in NC as anyone who reads my posts will know ... I'm not even in LC ... I see him all the time ... and we hang out all the time ... but.

I am getting better.

I don't always have full days all the time where I am OK ... I have moments, sometimes hours ... then I will tell myself a bullSh^t fairytale about how things between him and I might just 'work out' ... luckily, these to only last moments ...

Up, down, sideways, hell, heaven, elated, despairing. While with him, I noticed then and now understand that I was right, that my thinking was polarised - either he was insanely in love with me OR, he was completely taking me for a ride. EITHER he could be completely trusted OR, he was the biggest liar/manipulator I had ever me ... it distorted my brain patterns and still does ... I want to find the middle ground again ... the balance ... high and low is so exhausting

[Naddred369]

Sirensong,

sounds exactly like me. I take solace from this that it is actually a normal part of the greiving process and im not losing my mind or sanity (though that is my fear!)

And if this is normal then... .maybe... .one day... .we will be happy and free again?

EarthAngel,

I cant watch T.V. either, some days I have my music on, others I cant stand to listen to it.

I know im ok when im rocking out to my music.

[Pearl55]

I go to bed at 7:30 every night with my drink. I love my bed, is the safest place. My life is a total mess too, unbelievable. You are not alone.

[Naddred369]

Pearl55,

Your evenings sound like bliss! 

Ive actually had a break through/insight.

Im more depressed about the chance that i will be alone forever due to circumstances and low self esteem than the fact that my cheating exBPDgf was abusive and behaved like a douchebag for most of the time and we sploit up.

Christ, it really was a crap R/S. really really bad and abusive.I should be happy that we split.

Im terrified that this is my life now.

ALONE! :'(

[Pearl55]

I'm the same, I'm terrified of being alone for the rest of my life. I see a therapist every week which helped me a bit.

But to be honest with you, psychiatrists are really helpful with this situation but I can't afford £150 per hour.

[bruisedbattered]

Have you ever heard of St john's wort?   Its a natural herbal medicine that I started taking 3 weeks ago.  Ive been nc for about 6 weeks now, and found myself at the bottom of a few bottles/binge drinkin black outs.      Since Ive started taking St John"s Wort, i quit smoking and cut down drinking.   Its great for depression, and has really helped me out.  I definitely recommend, however dont take it if you are on other prescription meds as it cancels out effects.     Best of luck!

BnB

[sharlock]

Sorry to hear what you are going through. I'm in the process of trying to leave my BPD friend. It's one of the hardest things I've ever gone through.  With time though I see how unhealthy this relationship is but doesn't seem to make it any easier.  The tears have subsided but I feel numb.  I find it especially hard to do this now, during the holiday season. I still need to function for my family, and at work.  Hugs and prayers to all who are going through this hell. 

Time heals, please try to remember that.

[heartandwhole]

maybe... .one day... .we will be happy and free again?

You will.  Really.  And I know this is hell to go through now. I'm sorry you are hurting, Naddred.  

I think Wally Gator gave you some great advice about feeling the feelings (except please don't kick the cat  :'( )

We're here for you.   

[Naddred369]

Hey guys, thankyou all so much for your support. No one else really gets it!

I am trying to cut down on my drinking and My aim is to go teetotal eventually.

I use punchbags and boxing to get rid of my anger and hurt ( but I hurt my back over the weekend and had no outlet! ) and I practice meditation and mindfulness breathing.

Its just some days I get swamped by emotion and greif.

I wont take anti-depressants coz I really agree that the only way out is through and WE NEED TO FEEL these emotions not numb them. I drink not to numb them more of a lifestyle/culture thing (british heavy metal culture!) and yes, i know I need to grow up!

Ive excercised tonight and got my rock music on so all is right with the world!

Things could be worse... .I could have married the f@#%ing b@#ch!

Always look to the positive! Thankyou all!

I will try st.johns wort

[thesculptor]

i am going through a break up... too... .

im not as bad as you feel, but it feels pretty ed up.