Why do I feel like I am the only one doing the work in all my relationships

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

This is something that has been bothering me for years now.  It was intensified with my relationship with a pwBPD and now that I am out and growing stronger I still cant shake this feeling that if I were to just sit at my house and not call anybody I would very rapidly disappear.

I am close to my family and we all talk regularly.  My sister being the only one who you have to chase down to have a conversation and my brother being my best friend that I talk to almost daily.  But when it comes to friends and acquaintances I feel strongly that I do 80% of the initiating of conversations or activities.  If I stopped reaching out to people It may be months till I hear from them.  Some of these friends date back 30 years. 

My therapist tells me I just need new friends but I have not made any real close friends since college 20 years ago.  The ones I thought were close friends seemed to not be there for me during tough times like when my father passed away 6 years ago and I needed them.  Don't get me wrong I do have a good amount of friends but I feel like I do most of the work to maintain those friendships.

[emotionaholic]

This is something that has been bothering me for years now.  It was intensified with my relationship with a pwBPD and now that I am out and growing stronger I still cant shake this feeling that if I were to just sit at my house and not call anybody I would very rapidly disappear.

I am close to my family and we all talk regularly.  My sister being the only one who you have to chase down to have a conversation and my brother being my best friend that I talk to almost daily.  But when it comes to friends and acquaintances I feel strongly that I do 80% of the initiating of conversations or activities.  If I stopped reaching out to people It may be months till I hear from them.  Some of these friends date back 30 years. 

My therapist tells me I just need new friends but I have not made any real close friends since college 20 years ago.  The ones I thought were close friends seemed to not be there for me during tough times like when my father passed away 6 years ago and I needed them.  Don't get me wrong I do have a good amount of friends but I feel like I do most of the work to maintain those friendships.

[seeking balance]

emotionaholic,

I think this is a really good topic -thanks for bringing this up.

I have felt similar to this at times, with that - here are some things/affirmations that I have concluded true for me, thus helping me.  Maybe some can resonate with you.

- I have changed over  the last 20 years, it is reasonable to make new friends as I change.

- People get busy and when they don't reach out, it isn't about me - nor is when they do reach out... .most things other people do really are not about me.

- I used to attract more "needy" people, made me feel better about me.  I like that people are independent and healthy now.

- Being lonely is part of life, when I feel lonely - sometimes I get mad at the people I think of as friends.  Own what is true on this one SB.

- Friendships ebb and flow - a close person today might not be in 3 years - this is ok.

I shed more friends than any other time at the breakup with my BPD... .part of the reason was that I required better for ME.  Once I truly felt I deserved better, I let go of the old and started opening up to new people.  New friends = new energy - this can be a good thing.

What do emotion comes up when you say this:

  Don't get me wrong I do have a good amount of friends but I feel like I do most of the work to maintain those friendships.

[bb12]

This is a brilliant thread - and exactly where my head is at too right now

The saddest part of this journey, Emotionaholic, is that a BPD break-up slaps us awake to all kinds of other related abuse and neglect. If we do the work on ourselves - and it seems most people on a forum like this are committed to exactly that - then we accidently learn things beyond the BPD r/ship.

I have realised that not only did I do all of the financial and emotional heavy lifting with the borderline, but also with most of the people I have chosen to keep as friends. The same core damage I carried around that contributed to my romantic partner selection criteria was at play in friendship selection.

In 2013 alone, I have tired of many, many 'friends' as I grew intolerant of neglect, passivity, one-way friendships, inconsistency, and lack of integrity. I demand those things of my friends now... .just as those same people have drunk all these years from my cup of pro-activity, reliability, generosity, consideration and respect for them on a consistent basis.

So the BPD lesson becomes greater than the context we had placed it in. Working on ourselves and the unhealed parts of us, ushers in a wholesale change to the way we wish to live our lives and be treated. I am downright ashamed and embarrassed by some of the people I have stuck by all these years. Many of them have given me very little all these years, and I am only awake to it now.

It's a lonely time - culling so many friends at once. But wasn't it always lonely?

My advice is to put in the same amount of work as you're used to - with friends you have vetted for reciprocity. But put no more work into those you feel are taking the piss.

It's weird adjusting to it all, but quality over quantity now - on every front



BB12

[emotionaholic]

What do emotion comes up when you say this:

Quote from: emotionaholic on Yesterday at 10:49:26 PM

  Don't get me wrong I do have a good amount of friends but I feel like I do most of the work to maintain those friendships.

I have spent the better part of the day trying to find the emotion that I feel.  Unimportant, insignificant, unloved.  I am not sure if those are considered emotions but that is what I feel.  I know that I have spent the better part of my life feeling like I am not loved.  I am not sure where this comes from since I DO know that I am loved.  I know that people like me but I can never shake this feeling that they don't or that if they get to know me that they won't.  That they will find me boring.

I moved a number of years ago from a place where I had many friends.  My father had died, I broke things off with a woman I was going to marry and I realized that all these friends were just drinking buddies and really did not care deep down.  I packed my bags and moved back to where my family lives.  I had a rude awakining as to who cares for me and who does not. 

Then comes the Boarderline.  I dont think I need to go into that one we all know all about it.  I felt my first strong connection in 20 years and became highly addicted to it.  I should almost thank her for what she put me through because the ending of it has made me look deeply into ME.

Back to the interactions with friends.  I do have what I call my core group of friends, those that I have held since childhood and college.  One problem is that out of the whole group I am the only single parent which makes for going out much more difficult.  I have tried making friends at my sons school but never get past just playground talk. 

I am not sure if it is me not trusting to know me or if it is me not loving myself enough to be me.

[seeking balance]

What do emotion comes up when you say this:

Quote from: emotionaholic on Yesterday at 10:49:26 PM

  Don't get me wrong I do have a good amount of friends but I feel like I do most of the work to maintain those friendships.

I have spent the better part of the day trying to find the emotion that I feel.  Unimportant, insignificant, unloved.  I am not sure if those are considered emotions but that is what I feel.  I know that I have spent the better part of my life feeling like I am not loved.  I am not sure where this comes from since I DO know that I am loved.  I know that people like me but I can never shake this feeling that they don't or that if they get to know me that they won't.  That they will find me boring.

emotionaholic, you just hit the key to all of this, your core stuff.

Somehow, somewhere - this is your core hurt - what has to be grieved and let go of.  For me, this is a process, not an event.

I moved a number of years ago from a place where I had many friends.  My father had died, I broke things off with a woman I was going to marry and I realized that all these friends were just drinking buddies and really did not care deep down.  I packed my bags and moved back to where my family lives.  I had a rude awakining as to who cares for me and who does not. 

Then comes the Boarderline.  I dont think I need to go into that one we all know all about it.  I felt my first strong connection in 20 years and became highly addicted to it.  I should almost thank her for what she put me through because the ending of it has made me look deeply into ME.

most of us end in this relationship as a bandaid to core grief... .I know I did.  The fact you are digging deep now, this is how we heal.

Back to the interactions with friends.  I do have what I call my core group of friends, those that I have held since childhood and college.  One problem is that out of the whole group I am the only single parent which makes for going out much more difficult.  I have tried making friends at my sons school but never get past just playground talk. 

I am not sure if it is me not trusting to know me or if it is me not loving myself enough to be me.

It is probably both.

Being hurt deeply, well... .hurts.  So we protect ourselves, we don't get too close - enter superficial relationships here.  Then we feel disconnected and in need of connection, but to connect - we must risk.

Vulnerability is the greatest strength... .not sure if you have heard of Brene' Brown, but check out her TED talks and you may find some of this really will resonate with you.

Good thread - impressive that you are so willing to be "Real" - it is impressive indeed.

[emotionaholic]

I have known acutely about all of this most of my life.  I have brought it up to therapist in the past but don't seem to get anywhere with it.  This is the first time though that I am really admitting it to myself and opening up about it.  So what do I do with it?

When I look at myself from the outside i see a great, caring, genuine, good looking man, who I would want to have in my life.  But inside I feel alone and always have.  It does not make any sense.  I do go out with friends, I do have a great loving family.  The next two weeks I have plans almost every night but still feel distanced from people.

This is actually getting hard to write about. But I am bound and determined to get a handle on this.

[Perfidy]

Wow... Yes... This topic is exactly what I need right now. Just yesterday I told a "friend"? that if I didn't initiate contact then I would probably just disappear. I told her that if nobody wanted to keep in touch with me then they could all just go to hell!

I am just feeling sorry for myself... Simple enough? Partly. I have no life,especially now that insanity is not the "norm" in my life? Boring is good? I'm getting better and healing but have reached a stagnant point? Life has settled in?

In most of my past relationships I felt the same as you emotionaholic... like I was doing most if not all of the work. Maybe I was at times. At other times maybe I just wanted to feel that way so I could justify some crappy behavior of my own?

When I read through this thread it was like a plow going through my mind... I like that. It makes me think. Look at myself. Uncover more of my own selfish thinking. If it ain't always about me then it should be!

[seeking balance]

Have any therapists actively worked with affirmation with you!  Reprogramming thought patterns?

[bb12]

I think what you are feeling Emotionaholic is the basic human condition... .all the existential writers tried to capture it. Try Albert Camus (L'etranger... .The Outsider).

We crave connection. When someone isn't connecting in the way we want them to, it hurts.

I only write this because what you have described in your recent posts is EXACTLY how I have lived my life in recent years.

Low trust. From giving more or choosing imbalanced friendships and romantic relationships.

My own dumbed down version is that there are takers and givers. Some give more than they take (you, me, codepdendents) stuck in self-sacrifice and other-directed schemas (Geoffrey Young). And some take more than they give (NPD, BPD) stuck in undercooked but permanent emotionally immature thinking.

I agree that affirmations and other cognitive behaviour techniques can help. But just as much, is choosing better.

We examine the brutal ends of these painful and one-sided friendships and relationships, but what about the beginnings?

Once you take stock, slow down, watch give levels / reciprocity, take your time, and avoid those too quick to say they love us, then a better future for us could be as simple as choosing when to begin... .instead of alleviating the anxiety and pain of the end.

I prefer to focus on the 'cleanse' and let unrewarding friendships go completely. Then use what I have learned to focus on a more mature, informed choices that feel closer to the type of connecting I prefer.

BB12

[Jbt857]

It may be that because you are examining your relationship with your BPD ex, you're also examining your friends more closely too.

I realised I had a past relationship with another BPD about 15 years ago, 5 or 6 years before my BPDexh. (This is something I'm only now joining the dots on), but afterwards, it caused me to do a big audit of who my true friends were. I've done the same again post-marriage, because it's in times of trouble you see who your true friends are. Both times I've taken a 'friend inventory' and it's actually been useful to not keep the draining people in my life. Friendship goes both ways, and I don't mean I've just shut the door on anyone who has troubles. One of my best friends who I've kept through both of those suffers biopolar, I'm always bailing him out and he often calls at 2am needing to talk. He's been that way the whole time I've known him, but I love him like a brother. But I know he's got my back. And he's no trouble because I know that, he listens to me too and he hears me. He would catch me if I were to fall.

I moved to a new area and I've moved often in my adult life for my job, so a number of my friendships are transient. But one or two stick, regardless of where in the world I am. Go, make new friends (meetup) and get some new perspectives on life.

I believe friendships are for 'a season, a reason or a lifetime.' Now is a great opportunity to put some fresh people, ideas and aspects in your life and get rid of the ones that aren't working for you. It's okay to let those friendships that don't feel reciprocal die. 

[Perfidy]

Maybe abandonment issues... .I have been paying more attention to my thoughts and feelings because of my interest in myself. I text a friend. Friend doesn't respond. I am wondering if I will ever hear from them. Have I been abandoned? She straight up abandoned our relationship after seven and a half years,then played a sadistic game with me for a year and three months. After that I can blame myself for the bargaining and other normal post relationship trauma for the following nine months or so. I don't think I've had the feeling of lopsidedness all of my life... .Only in the BPD r/s. it happened. It could happen again.

[livednlearned]

When you look at the friends in your life, do they seem healthy to you? It sounds like you saw through your drinking buddies. But the ones you have plans with for the next two weeks, who are they? For you, to you, with you.

I'm asking because I notice that when someone who seems healthy expresses their love to me, willing to offer me an intimate kind of relationship, I shy away. I'm not just talking about lovers, but people who love me, people who are the same age as my parents, or anyone who finds me special. My boss felt that way about me -- she's the same age as my parents. We have similar backgrounds, both married abusive men with PDs, have very similar ways of being in the world. And yet when I felt she saw me as special, I put up a boundary. Same with an advisor I had, who retired. He was beloved by his students, and many wanted to have a close relationship with him. He adored me, treated me like one of his daughters, and we are close, but sometimes I feel like I can't take the bright beam of love from these people.

That they're in my life tells me I'm getting healthy, I'm lovable. But the truth is that at the very core of these relationships, I am so afraid. Of being vulnerable. The link to Brene Brown's work that SB shared has been powerful for me, recognizing how vulnerable it is to feel joy. And love.

[emotionaholic]

Abandonment issues.  Yes.  I know they are there.  Part of my abandonment issues I believe comes from having lost a couple dozen friends in the last 15 years.  Some I was best friends with some were just friends, but it hurts to loose someone.  I lost 3 just this year.  So I do have some barriers up around getting to close to people.  I hate to see them go.

The friends I do have I consider healthy.  They are the ones that I have had since childhood through college.  It seemed to stop after that.  These friends I know love me and have my back, which goes both ways.  It seems though that everybody has moved on with new friends and activities while I stayed put.  We all keep in contact but like I have said I feel like I do most of the calling.  Some of them have faded away and I only talk to a couple of times a year but I know I will always keep at least some contact.  What is missing for me is people in my life who go out of their way to want to spend time with me.  I makes me feel like I am not important enough or interesting enough to want to spend time with me.

I have watched the video on vulnerability, but should watch it again.  I do sometimes need a filter when I start talking about my feelings, I can be blunt.