I am scared.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello I have been broken up with uBPDx for about 5 months, NC for about 3 wks.

I am doing ok, cycling from happy to angry to sad stopover at lonely, pitstop at shi**y, entertain the idea of going over to acceptance, then blammo Ive arrived back at sad.

All these feelings come and go, there is no dominating feeling, I think Im doin ok.Sometimes.

I am going to visit my sister just before new year.We havent spent alot of time together between her living in london, and me overly preoccupied with the x, I am trying to rebuild the relationships I used to have with my family.

She lives in a small town,we live in a small country ( n.z)

The night I arrive we are going to see a band at the local pub.Trouble is, there is a strong possibility some of the xs family will be there.Im sure the x has probably told them some convoluted story about me, last time we broke up, I saw them on fbook, telling him " maybe you should get a chick who dosent beat you up", which is a sick, sick joke, they knew he went to prison for choking and assaulting me, he managed to twist it all, they did nothing but pat him on the back and say " allgood bro".There family is completely enmeshed,mafia like in their interactions with eachother, and views about " family"

I dont know what to expect?

I dont know how they will react?

Even if they will react at all?

I dont want to tell my sister, we have not had a conversation about x and the situation.

Im so f***ing tired of being afraid.

How is it that x is gone, but I am still afraid?

Comments, suggestions?

[RecycledNoMore]

Hello I have been broken up with uBPDx for about 5 months, NC for about 3 wks.

I am doing ok, cycling from happy to angry to sad stopover at lonely, pitstop at shi**y, entertain the idea of going over to acceptance, then blammo Ive arrived back at sad.

All these feelings come and go, there is no dominating feeling, I think Im doin ok.Sometimes.

I am going to visit my sister just before new year.We havent spent alot of time together between her living in london, and me overly preoccupied with the x, I am trying to rebuild the relationships I used to have with my family.

She lives in a small town,we live in a small country ( n.z)

The night I arrive we are going to see a band at the local pub.Trouble is, there is a strong possibility some of the xs family will be there.Im sure the x has probably told them some convoluted story about me, last time we broke up, I saw them on fbook, telling him " maybe you should get a chick who dosent beat you up", which is a sick, sick joke, they knew he went to prison for choking and assaulting me, he managed to twist it all, they did nothing but pat him on the back and say " allgood bro".There family is completely enmeshed,mafia like in their interactions with eachother, and views about " family"

I dont know what to expect?

I dont know how they will react?

Even if they will react at all?

I dont want to tell my sister, we have not had a conversation about x and the situation.

Im so f***ing tired of being afraid.

How is it that x is gone, but I am still afraid?

Comments, suggestions?

[necchi]

What you are fearing is understandable

maybe the FB post is sarcasme directed towards him ?

[Jbt857]

Well, I say go. if the family is there, smile and acknowledge them, but don't get engaged in a conversation with them. If one comes to you, then keep off the subject of you and your ex. If they raise it, decline to talk about it. Just a 'I'm sorry, I just came to enjoy a night out with my sister, I really don't want to get into that' should suffice.

Don't feel you have to be drawn into discussing it. Or him. Your relationship is past, what they think of you is their business and for heaven's sake, don't try and justify yourself. They are his family and are only ever going to side with him and tell him the conversation anyway - it's not worth muddying the waters trying to clear your name to people who are nothing to do with you and your life anymore.

Rise above it.

[TakingWingAtLast]

ReycledNoMore,

JBT is right!  Just be LC with his family.  Polite but not engaging.   And turn to your sister and go.  It's even possible that one of his family may be apologetic.  Still be LC, polite but not engaging.  Say exactly what JBT suggested and don't even engage someone who is apologetic.  It's not your concern about how they feel.

It's likely you'll have a conversation with your sis about all this.  Perhaps you'll find the support you need to feel more comfortable.   

You have done so well.  Stay strong. 

D

[RecycledNoMore]

What you are fearing is understandable

maybe the FB post is sarcasme directed towards him ?

Hmm, I never actually looked at it that way marinro7, I was so wrapped up in feeling persecuted, I just assumed they were ganging up on me, they know he is a loose cannon, actually now that I think of it, he was the butt of many jokes in his family, thanks for the different perspective

[RecycledNoMore]

@jbt&takingwing, thank you, I needed to hear that, I will be having " the conversation" eventually, my sister and I agreed awhile ago that we were really going to talk to eachother, we both have had some pretty traumatic life experiences and promised eachother when it was time, we would.I needed to hear your opinions, I have lost alot of confidence in my own judgement,and what you and marinro7 have said makes sense, I will rise above it, I will be polite and not drawn into conversation or any kind of justification.

I Refuse to let fear be my chauffeur any longer.

Thank you again.

[necchi]

Well keep us posted, and if you need more company i  would be more then happy to visit the UK that  is if you send me the fall plane ticket

[DragoN]

I Refuse to let fear be my chauffeur any longer.

This is excellent. The core of the problem for us and our PD partners. Fear.

Fear our partner was right about the nasty things they projected.

Fear of rejection.

Fear of being made the fool.

Fear of failure after self confidence has been hammered into the dirt.

Fear you won't find another person to love and love you.

Fear of what others will think about you if they know what you dealt with/ allowed.

Fear of you name it whatever it is fear.

Fear of being wrong.

Fear of being right.

Fear.

It's debilitating.

.Trouble is, there is a strong possibility some of the xs family will be there.Im sure the x has probably told them some convoluted story about me, last time we broke up, I saw them on fbook, telling him " maybe you should get a chick who dosent beat you up", which is a sick, sick joke, they knew he went to prison for choking and assaulting me, he managed to twist it all, they did nothing but pat him on the back and say " allgood bro".There family is completely enmeshed,mafia like in their interactions with eachother, and views about " family"

That's a lousy fear to be trapped in. And it's dirty playing in a smear campaign. At the same time, it can test your metal. Same thing has happened to me, and because, same as yourself, I know the truth of the matter. You have the proof. What anyone says or implies doesn't matter.

Push through the fear, will feel like your insides fall out, knees are shaky and you can barely hold it together, but the next time? It won't. Fear is an emotion, and unless it is based on Real and Tangible threat, it is only a feeling and not a Fact. Emotionally is a little different, but you can work through that in a similar manner. Feelings are not Facts. They are temporary and they pass if you can follow them down to the source.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi NOmore-

I don't know how long your relationship lasted, but 5 months out and 3 weeks NC isn't very long.  As we detach it's sometimes helpful to 'test' the detachment to see how well you do, and maybe perfect detachment is no emotional content at all.  If you think you've healed some it might be good to go, and you'll get immediate feedback from your emotions as to how well you're doing.  I got an email from my ex 8 months after I left her, didn't respond, but it spun me for a few days, which let me know how I was doing.

If you do decide it's too early, how about level with your sister and go see another band in another pub?  There's no shame in taking care of yourself, and you might use this trip as a way to reconnect with your sister, which you said you haven't done much of lately.  Maybe bringing in the new year cleanly and having connected with family is a good move.

Whatever you do make it about you.  If yours was anything like mine, it was never about you in the relationship.  Take care of you!

[necchi]

This is excellent. The core of the problem for us and our PD partners. Fear.

Fear our partner was right about the nasty things they projected.

Fear of rejection.

Fear of being made the fool.

Fear of failure after self confidence has been hammered into the dirt.

Fear you won't find another person to love and love you.

Fear of what others will think about you if they know what you dealt with/ allowed.

Fear of you name it whatever it is fear.

Fear of being wrong.

Fear of being right.

Fear.

It's debilitating

you nailed something that i couldn't admit myself... .

[RecycledNoMore]

Dear friends, I have read you r replies quite a few times actually, Ive taken on board your advice, I really think its time for me to stand up to - me, for a long time now I have lived my life in fear, all the fears you suggested megank, one of my biggest things was fear of what other people think of me,and yes, by the time I ended the r/ s with the uBPDx, the little confidence I had was indeed trampled into the ground.8 years btw, HtoH, we were " together" 8 years.

Its hard to describe how im feeling because my feelings change every day, im not as sad as I was just a few months ago

Its time, I am prepared thanks to all your input, and I am confident in my ability to handle this situation

One of many on my road to recovery I suspect...

HtoH, had a little giggle when you suggested going to another pub, its the only pub in town

Dont ever think that what you say to people here dosent go un noticed or dosent make a difference, it does and I am trully thankful.


Hugs from a healing kiwi