Siblings with traits

[Depression = 72% of members]

My D26 has had BPD for several years (since 12).  Currently she is in a facility and doing well.  I am going to enjoy the "vacation" while I can.

It has become more and more apparent that my younger sister (in her 50's) has strong BPD traits: roller coaster emotions, explosiveness, worries about abandonment, unstable self-concept, up & down relationships.   I would say that she is a high functioning person with BPD traits.  We live several hours apart.

   To make a long story short she is allowing her severely addicted son (who stole from several family members) to live in her house with a teenage sibling in residence. This has been for a year and I am suspecting he uses. My S is paying his insurance, phone and providing food.  My S has thrown herself into another relationship (stops by everyday) and is now convinced he may have a girlfriend.  Despite the fact that I am recovering from an operation, her calls center around her current problem. There is no telling if the calls will end in her angry at me or blaming me for something I had nothing to do with.

   I would go on NC, but I feel that my 2 nieces need me to be part of their lives.  My S does not always present the facts the way it is (black and white, splitting) and often treats her daughters as an adult sounding board.  Along with my mother, we are the only relatives the girls have.

   Basically I am validating her feelings and taking her phone calls for a limited amount of time.  I encourage her to get counselling, go to an Al Anon meeting. etc.  I no longer send extra money (she has been on the verge of bankruptcy several times paying her sons bills, fines, etc.). 

  If there are any other suggestions on how to handle the situation, let me know.

                                                                                                                         Tightrope Walker

   

   

 

[Tightrope walker]

My D26 has had BPD for several years (since 12).  Currently she is in a facility and doing well.  I am going to enjoy the "vacation" while I can.

It has become more and more apparent that my younger sister (in her 50's) has strong BPD traits: roller coaster emotions, explosiveness, worries about abandonment, unstable self-concept, up & down relationships.   I would say that she is a high functioning person with BPD traits.  We live several hours apart.

   To make a long story short she is allowing her severely addicted son (who stole from several family members) to live in her house with a teenage sibling in residence. This has been for a year and I am suspecting he uses. My S is paying his insurance, phone and providing food.  My S has thrown herself into another relationship (stops by everyday) and is now convinced he may have a girlfriend.  Despite the fact that I am recovering from an operation, her calls center around her current problem. There is no telling if the calls will end in her angry at me or blaming me for something I had nothing to do with.

   I would go on NC, but I feel that my 2 nieces need me to be part of their lives.  My S does not always present the facts the way it is (black and white, splitting) and often treats her daughters as an adult sounding board.  Along with my mother, we are the only relatives the girls have.

   Basically I am validating her feelings and taking her phone calls for a limited amount of time.  I encourage her to get counselling, go to an Al Anon meeting. etc.  I no longer send extra money (she has been on the verge of bankruptcy several times paying her sons bills, fines, etc.). 

  If there are any other suggestions on how to handle the situation, let me know.

                                                                                                                         Tightrope Walker

   

   

 

[GeekyGirl]

Hi Tightrope walker,

Having a relative with BPD is quite challenging, so I understand why you might feel like you've had a vacation while your sister has been doing better.

You're doing a good thing for her by validating her feelings--I'm sure that's helping. At the same time, it sounds like this takes a lot out of you. Your needs are important too. How are you doing now? I hope you're feeling better.

Your suggestions of counseling and Al Anon are great!  Both are places where she can get some support. Have you considered them as well? It's so important to take care of yourself.

[Tightrope walker]

Geeky Girl,

   Thanks for the concern.  I'm doing pretty well.  My D is still fairly stable.  I am just going to keep doing what I am doing with my relationship with my sister.

                                      Tightrope walker

[an0ught]

Hi Tightrope walker,

Basically I am validating her feelings and taking her phone calls for a limited amount of time.  I encourage her to get counselling, go to an Al Anon meeting. etc.  I no longer send extra money (she has been on the verge of bankruptcy several times paying her sons bills, fines, etc.).  

sounds like a reasonable strategy dealing with your sister. Validate her (helps her to be a bit more sensible and avoids invalidation). Having boundaries with respect to the time and money you invest into her is a sensible line to draw.

There is not much else you can do. You have better use for your resources for the healthier and less independent family members.

There is no telling if the calls will end in her angry at me or blaming me for something I had nothing to do with.

It may be worth having a standard way of dealing with her when she becomes abusive. Tolerating abuse only breeds more of the same. Respect is critical to a relationship with a pwBPD.