Regarding your question, karma girl, they have incentive during dating. They are pursuing something. Once they are comfy, they let loose. But I think there are generally red flags during dating anyway.
Think of it like new year's resolutions. You can usually keep them up for a while. You're excited about it. After a while, the momentum wears off.
So could this explain the constant break-up/come back cycles? One thing I have often said to therapists -- and no one even suggested BPD -- is that I can count on him to "go nuts" a few times a year where he would storm out with a lot of fanfare, I would chase, he would come back. I would make him and our relationship an absolute priority, to the exclusion of a lot of things -- like I would take a few days off work, plan dates, et cetera -- but as soon as the mundane realities of adult life hit and my attention was diverted to something else, the cycle would start again; that it seemed to me he was only capable of participating in the "honeymoon" phase of things where he was the center of attention and everything was wonderful.
I finally bowed out of the chasing dance and so he hasn't pulled this stunt in a while. I have made it clear if he walks out the door in a fit again it will be the last time; that he has used up every ounce of patience and goodwill I have in me, and it's not worth it to me to continue chasing. He has been WAY more difficult than then, though, and I've often wondered if it's because he's no longer getting his every couple of months "fix" where he runs, I chase, et cetera.
I really began to realize that something was wrong two years ago, opened my eyes and saw it for what it was, and have been getting stronger since then, implementing boundaries, et cetera. I remember a therapist telling me that as soon as I did this there was going to be hell to pay in terms of push-back from him because his old ways of functioning won't work in certain situations anymore. I have seen that ten-fold and admit I was not prepared for it.
At any rate, I've decided that I'm going to give myself until the first of the year to do some reading and some contemplating and then I need to make a decision one way or the other. I have to get to a place where I focus on me, rather than him and his issues, because right now it's like I'm fixated on, "He does this. Let me ask or Google why" with the end result being that nothing ever changes and he doesn't care and I'm just spinning my wheels.
Maxen:
Thanks for taking the time to post and share your experience with me. I can't tell you how much it is helping me to talk to people who have been there, done that, and know exactly what I'm referring to, after coming across so many people IRL who look at me like I'm the crazy one when I try to explain what I've gone through. I read with interest where you said being a "little" dishonest was something she found cute or funny, because I've been there and I never could understand it. Like the time where he stole toilet paper from the store, and the way he would tell the story was like it was the funniest thing ever... .but I didn't get it. And I didn't get why he was stealing toilet paper when we have plenty of money to buy it.
Ironically -- and this is something that I've spoken about here and there with others -- it seems that I've become hyper-moral in comparison to his lacking any morals at all over the years. I have always been a moral person, but it's taken to a whole new level these days. I don't know if it's occurred due to the natural process of maturation, or if it's heightened in response to his total lack of morals as if I can in some way "make up" for what he does by being overly moral myself or being moral enough for both of us. That's probably not coming out right, but I hope you follow what I'm trying to say. I have seen the same thing happen with my view of honesty. The more I have been hurt by his lies, the more I have vowed to tell the truth always, even if it's not something someone wants to hear. I could not fathom telling a lie about anything at this point in my life because I've seen firsthand how destructive they are. I haven't always made people happy when I speak the truth, but I have noticed a whole lot more people respect me because I respect them enough to be honest.
I don't know. I guess I'm having one of those days where I wish I had never met him, but on the other hand I'm grateful for all the ways in which living with him and his disorder(s) have forced me to grow, mature, and explore parts of me I probably never would have visited before. At this point I might not get out with my sanity intact, but at least I'll have my integrity, right?
