NC - What do you tell other family?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I'm especially struggling with telling my grandparents that I've gone no contact with my uBPD father. In the past, the response has been "oh you know how he is"... .I'm serious about the NC this time as it has affected my own daughter.

Has anyone had experience successfully, succinctly explaining to other family?

[CarolinaGirl]

I'm especially struggling with telling my grandparents that I've gone no contact with my uBPD father. In the past, the response has been "oh you know how he is"... .I'm serious about the NC this time as it has affected my own daughter.

Has anyone had experience successfully, succinctly explaining to other family?

[Marcia]

Well, don't Expect much support from others. Many have commented here on the phenomenon of "enablers"--these are people who have been propogandized by the BPD who has given

Thema tale of woe about how horrible their immediate family has been to them.

In my life, the enablers are my first cousins--they don't know my mom that well, are taken in by her waif act and certainly have no interest in taking any responsibility for her (she is in her eighties). My sister and I deal with her cruelty, battles with her community and family, substance abuse, rages, hoarding and unwillingness to let us help her with real issues that need attention. They "feel sorry for her" and think we are bad--it also helps them to avoid thinking about their own issues.

I think this is a tough part of NC, but when you reach a point you have been made so miserable and in my case my husband has been so targeted and mistreated, many of us finally say enough. We are not successful in helping them, and we do in the end Have to claim Some peace for ourselves.

[redroom]

I don't tell anyone anything unless they bring it up, and even then I'm very vague.  My mom's been in and out of the hospital (which I've confirmed w/ other family members, because I wouldn't put it past her to make something like this up) for several months, and I get really snide comments from my sister and a few cousins about why I haven't driven the five hours to see her.

I just change the subject or make a vague promise to visit "sometime", "when I'm feeling up to it", "when work lets up", or "when my car gets fixed".  If they ask why I haven't visited, I do the same thing. 

However, if they asked me outright why I'm not visiting my mom, I would tell them that that's something for my mom and me to sort out ourselves.  You may never decide to sort it out, but that's your business.  You just want to address any legitimate concern they may have (if your mom's painted you as crazy, they may think that they have to walk on eggshells around you to avoid being the next person you cut off).  After that, tell whomever that this is just what works best for you right now, and they have nothing to worry about.  For example:

Aunt Sue:  Borderline Becca says that you hate her and that you've stopped talking to her.  Is that true?  Why would you stop talking to your own mother?

You:  (friendly, normal conversational tone) I did some soul-searching, and this is what I need at the moment.  We'll be fine, though.  I'm glad to hear that you're looking out for her.

Aunt Sue:  (accusingly)  But what did she do to make you hate her so much?  I know she has her ways, but that's just who she is.  You need to move on.

You:  (friendly, normal conversational tone, but very firm)  We'll sort it out when the time is right.  I know you care about both of us, but I'd rather not bring you into the middle of this.  It's not as bad as it looks.  We just need some space at the moment. 

You:  -Change the subject-

If you're invited someplace, and your reason for not attending is because your mom will be present, just say that you're not available that day or have other plans.  Make up something vague.  I'm not saying you should be dishonest, but say something to keep the conversation going.

If you want to know whether your mom will be someplace before you decide whether to go (e.g. you don't want to go to your nephew's bday party if she's there), put off making an immediate decision and try to find out if she'll be there. 

Just be really firm w/ everyone.  Some people mean well, and they just want to know that things are OK.  Many others don't mean well, and they need to be told, kindly and firmly, that you're not taking their bait. 

[CarolinaGirl]

Thank you for the responses everyone. I figured there could be some collateral damage with other family members. I have this need to defend my side to them but it will be in vain.

Coincidentally, my grandmother was admitted to the hospital on Monday and my NC father (he doesn't know he's NC) failed to let me know as punishment for our last phone conversation. So now I look like the ass who hasn't called my sick grandmother or come to visit her in the hospital.

Who does that? Who doesn't tell their child that their grandmother is in poor health?