Oh no, my life's not complicated ...

[damage control]

I am in contact with exes ATM ... I have been (re?) collecting them over the past 12 months or so. slowly but surely.

Ex #1 is from 10 years ago ... bad breakup but, we reconnected about 12 months ago and I found out that he had idealised our relationship as an excuse to not get too involved ever again ... .he told me that he had never felt the same way again ... given that he dumped me, I am sure that he just used me as a convenient emotional lever.

He emails several times a week and calls once or twice as well ... for the most part it's just friendship and he is currently in a bit of a crazy situation as well ... but, he seems to like to flirt with the idea of him and me again ... .he has been a rock for me during this recent breakup and keeps telling me over and over that this is not about me ...

Ex#2:

My kids' dad. We split some 13 years ago now and it was a hellish BU ... I was happy to be out but he didn't deal well. He actually married my best GF since childhood about 12 months later and she consequently broke all contact - and he was not allowed to contact me. I was happy for them at the time ... but she didn't deal.

So  he and I have had very limited contact. But I reached out over this past clusterf&ck of a weekend. He was great ... I think in all honesty, he was the one man in my life who loved me unconditionally, we lived together for 15 years so, we had and have a strong bond.

I asked him how things were going with him and the wife and he told me he is really struggling ... TBH, I don't think he ever really loved her, it was a rebound that got out of control because he needed to feel safe.

He and I joked and laughed on Sunday on the phone and he wants to call again this Friday (she of course cannot know) ... .he told me that I should know, no matter what, he will always drop everything to be there for me.

Ex #3

Not really an ex. This is a man I have been friends with for about 8 months. Just after I got dumped, this man was in my city for a few nights and as I was single, he suggested we go on a date. I ended up sleeping with him (big mistake, awful sex) but ... he has continued to call and email every other day and wants to repeat our disaster. Like the others, he has been supportive during the recent BU and a really good friend. I know he doesn't want a full blown relationship with me ... but, really ... I am not sure what he wants.

Ex # 4

Well ... I have posted about him nonstop - he is the reason I am here.

We are in this weird 'friends with benefits but without the benefits' cat and mouse thing that swings from being sweet and sincere to manipulative and back again.

I can make little sense of what he and have or don't have and I am still too emotionally connected to understand I think.

Does anybody else have a rogues gallery like this? Exes who are part of your day/week? Not one of them wants me back or wants a relationship but I seem to be the go-to girl for something else ... every one of them is in a new RS ... .every one of them (except the current I guess) has romaticised what 'he and I' had ... every one of them is confusing in some way.

I have never had so many in touch at the same time ... let alone so regularly and I don't know if I am doing myself a disservice by allowing the contact ... .my personal life is a mess.

[patientandclear]

We are in this weird 'friends with benefits but without the benefits' cat and mouse thing that swings from being sweet and sincere to manipulative and back again.

Hey DC ... .the realization that you are the go-to girl for something with all these men is pretty darn interesting.  I don't have any brilliant insights about it, but it does seem like a mighty good thing to be aware of.

I clipped that quote above because that is the BEST description of your situation and mine I've ever read.  Ugh.  Thanks, and 

[damage control]

We are in this weird 'friends with benefits but without the benefits' cat and mouse thing that swings from being sweet and sincere to manipulative and back again.

Hey DC ... .the realization that you are the go-to girl for something with all these men is pretty darn interesting.  I don't have any brilliant insights about it, but it does seem like a mighty good thing to be aware of.

I clipped that quote above because that is the BEST description of your situation and mine I've ever read.  Ugh.  Thanks, and 

P+C ... yes! I know you are in the same type of thing ... it's crazy right? ... Thing is - they probably think they are having a perfectly reasonable and 'sane' (as my ex would say ... seriously ... irony anyone?) 'friendship.

We need to get some t-shirts for this place -

"I got hit by a BPD and he didn't even have the decency to buy me this t-shirt" ... pppfftt ... hehe

Hugs back to you

[emotionaholic]

Why are you in touch with all your ex's?  It seems like you may be trying to regain something that is best left alone.

[Surnia]

Hi damage control

Since we are here on PI, one question could be:

What is your pattern in these relationships?

Perhaps one question could be: What kinds of qualities are/were attractive for your to have a rs with each of those men?

Which were the specific struggles in each to the relationships?

[fromheeltoheal]

When I was looking for support after my borderline 'experience' I reached out to some exes, strictly for connections sake, and maybe a little pity-pot validation.  I've found myself wary of women and assigning the borderline label, probably overshooting a little for protection's sake and also curiosity, that's OK for now, and I haven't been trying to rekindle anything, said that, just looking for some connection.  What I've noticed, and this is the good news, is what am I getting?  Could this woman meet my needs, and did she ever?  The short answer is no, but then again I was never focusing on that in the past, I was being people pleaser me and focusing on meeting their needs hoping, per usual, that in some kind of backhanded way I'd then get mine met.  No.  Wrong.  I always thought that focusing on my needs in a relationship was selfish, but no it isn't, if we weren't looking for something we wouldn't be starting relationships in the first place.  So it's OK to ask could this woman meet my needs?  Is she the type of person I can be safely vulnerable with?  Is she going to judge me and btch all the time?  What's that about?  It's about balance.  Getting my needs met while meeting hers.  With the right person that can snowball.  And admittedly my insecurity and lack of valuing myself caused me to accept any woman who would pay more than casual attention to me and be good with it.  No.  I am the man of some girls dreams, and these things take time.  I'm OK with that today, and suddenly there's a comfort level with meeting someone on more of an equal footing, like let's look for chemistry while we focus on meeting each other's needs and maybe building something awesome together.  It's a brand new world; thanks BPD!