Dealing with separation anxiety

[montanesa]

uBPDh is a great guy. However, he can get really bad when we're apart.

For example, I work all day on Tuesday. He's off on Tuesday and home alone. He will occasionally text me or call me and get upset if I don't immediately answer. Logically, I can't pick up the phone during class AND I am in a place where cellphones are prohibited. Now, many people would understand this but every now and then he just loses it. I used to take it personally but now that I've figured out the pattern I do everything I can to make sure he goes into every Tuesday happy (if he's stressed and alone, it's a nightmare.)

I have been offered the opportunity to work four weekends away from home for awesome pay. I'm excited about the opportunity. I talked it over with uBPDh and he said I should go for it.

HOWEVER

I get the feeling that when he's been home alone for more than 24 hours the monster is going to come out. I'll start to get those "Where are you? Answer me" texts again and the "I would pick up the phone at work if YOU were calling" calls.

Does anyone have any ideas to best prepare before I spend these weekends away? Again, I'll be in a situation where I can only have my phone on me for one hour in the afternoon and after dinner (which is 9 pm here). He has already asked me if he could come and stay with me (this is entirely out of the question.)

Thanks in advance! 

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[sadeyes]

I have a bit of the same situation when I am away. Things that have helped me is me placing the calls when I am away. 'I am not allowed to have my phone on during xyz. I will call you on my break at x o'clock' or when we are done at 9 o'clock' Then you must call at the time you said. If you say 9 do not make it 9:01. While most people would be accepting of this, my pwBPD will feel lied to and become more frustrated. Also, I beef up the I am going to miss yous and the validation of disappointment that we can't talk.

I also encourage him to do things while I am gone. Have lunch w/ friend whatever. If he is just sitting around the house alone, I find he gets bored and has more issues.

[Stamp]

My uBPDp does not have separation anxiety, so I'm not sure if this will be helpful, but I do suffer from separation anxiety, so I can offer a little perspective.  I did see a therapist for this issue and am much better now, but I remember very clearly how I felt before, and sometimes I still struggle to cope when my partner and I are apart. 

Before therapy, here's what would go on in my head when my partner and i were separated -

She's going to be in an accident

She's going to slip into a diabetic coma (she is diabetic)

She's going to have a stroke/heart attack

She's going to realize that I'm not good enough for her

She's going to go back to her old girlfriend

She's going to cheat on me

She's going to leave me

Even knowing that these were not rational thoughts, I could not get them out of my head.  Before therapy my way of coping was to constantly text and call her, much like your husband.  If she did not answer right away, I would start to imagine all sorts of terrible reasons why she hadn't.  By the time she did respond I would be a mess and we would frequently end up fighting.  Of course that left me even more convinced that she was going to leave me.  Every concern and fear I had had a grain of truth to it, which made it really easy for me to believe the worst all the time.  The result was that when we were apart I was pretty much heartbroken all the time.  Sounds ridiculous, but that was how I felt. 

Therapy really helped me, but that might not be something your h is comfortable with or ready for.  There are definitely some things you can do to make him feel a little bit more secure, although you also need to take care of yourself and remember that it's not your fault or your responsibility that he feels the way he does.  Before leaving make sure to tell him how much you're going to miss him.  You can leave him notes to find while you are gone that let him know you're thinking about him.  Make a schedule of exactly when you will call and stick to it no matter what.  Put limits on conversation, for example, tell him you'll call him during your lunch break and during your dinner break, but you will only be able to talk for five minutes each time.  One thing that really soothes me is knowing that my partner will always call me when she turns in for the night, no matter where she is and no matter what the time difference is.  Short texts that say 'thinking of you' or a silly selfie also always made me feel more secure. 

All these little things can help to reassure, but nothing you do will fix the issue, so try to remember, no matter what happens, that you are not responsible for his distress.

[montanesa]

These suggestions are a huge help. Thanks so much!

[waverider]

Another possibility to minimize the immediate issue is for you to call him, just when you are going unavailable, then again once you are available again. this will eliminate the  "is she ignoring me?/ had an accident/run off with a stranger thoughts". It creates a kind of order and emphasizes boundaries.

Of course you can't do this forever but it can be a good stop gap to get some order back into life.

[montanesa]

So, I just got back from my first of three weekends away from home for work. As I suspected, he's in a rough state. I started to think something was up when I called yesterday and he sounded out of it and was uncommunicative. He didn't answer my text messages so I figured he was sleeping.

It looks as if he hasn't eaten more than a salad since Friday night. It's Sunday afternoon. I'm not sure if he's taken his prednisone for his sarcoidosis. He's pretty incommunicative and when he talks it's hard to understand. I told him to eat and, since I told him to do it, he won't do it. He's demanding we do something fun but I'm out of ideas. It's Sunday in rural Spain, for gosh sake! He's told me he doesn't want to live because of the boredom. When I asked what he did this weekend he said "Wait for you." I don't think he's gone out, even for a coffee.

I've made a dr.s appointment for myself for Tuesday morning to ask for her help. I really hope she can give me some suggestions. I have two more weekends away from home. They are a big financial boost for the family and frankly, I really enjoy them. I just hate having to worry like this - crimey, I left him lunch and dinner prepared in tupperware! He didn't touch either.

I called his cousin for help since he's pretty much the only one who knows that uBPH is this way. His comment was that it was probably a move looking for attention.

Oh man   

[elemental]

I would say he has convinced himself that you don't actually care about him.

You come up with arguments for what you are doing that make sense to you, but not to him.  I have separation anxiety issues with my boyfriend too. For realistic reasons. He has disappear on me, he has abandoned me, he has cheated, etc.

What I find in my head I qualify what he *should* be doing to help me get through or over what he did. I am like the above poster, I have a long list of what ifs.

That you enjoy the weekends away is probably clear to your husband. His lack of eating is probably more to do with his self esteem... he may feel treated as so unworthy and terrible that he simply has no will to care for himself.

I went throuh this late summer and fall and up to about the last few weeks. I have been so demoralized that I stopped eating. Got down to 90 pounds before I started to bounce up again. Just didn't want to eat because I didnt care about eating and if I died from starvation I did not care at all.

[montanesa]

I would say he has convinced himself that you don't actually care about him.

You come up with arguments for what you are doing that make sense to you, but not to him.  I have separation anxiety issues with my boyfriend too. For realistic reasons. He has disappear on me, he has abandoned me, he has cheated, etc.

What I find in my head I qualify what he *should* be doing to help me get through or over what he did. I am like the above poster, I have a long list of what ifs.

That you enjoy the weekends away is probably clear to your husband. His lack of eating is probably more to do with his self esteem... he may feel treated as so unworthy and terrible that he simply has no will to care for himself.

I went throuh this late summer and fall and up to about the last few weeks. I have been so demoralized that I stopped eating. Got down to 90 pounds before I started to bounce up again. Just didn't want to eat because I didnt care about eating and if I died from starvation I did not care at all.

I am very sorry to hear that. I'm glad to hear it sounds like you're on the upswing! Big hugs to you. 

If I can, may I ask: If I were your partner, what could I do to help you?

[elemental]

You could probably alleviate his feelings a lot by touching base more often, and reassuring him.

That is more legwork for you, but the payoffs could be huge.

I would want you to touch base with me a few minutes every couple hours. Some kind and reassuring words.

My own situation is very difficult to me. My boyfriend cheated on me then left me for his ex wife. Then he came back and is trying to force some things on me like overnights when he wants at his ex's to see the children. It scares me to pieces.

He walked out today and went there without a word to me, ignored me while he was there, left me panicking about another overnight, then showed contempt to me after explaining accurately to me back how I feel, what I need and then refusing to negotiate an agreement that doesn't involve forcing me to watch him overnight at the woman he cheated on me with.

So he expressed " i don't know why you invent overnight for your own panic."

and "Why you decided it is right moment to get panic attack while i warned you i will visit them and you had no reasons yet to think i will stay there"

and he also said this is your thought Zencat:  "i fear you will be there overnight -> get panic attack -> feed bad. What we could do about it?"

After that he walked out on me, ignored me and refused a conversation.

So, if I were your husband, I would be GLAD to hear from you more often and get validation and when weekend comes, spend one on one doing that fun thing.

[montanesa]

I called when I could, at lunch and dinner. I texted him. With each "moment of contact" I got very curt replies and brief "why are you bothering me?" phone calls.  :'(

[Theo41]

Ok, I'm going to sound insensitive to some, but here's my perspective:

1. At the other end of the spectrum, there are couples that don't call each other every day and it's not in the least abnormal.

2. In our case my uBPDw wants to talk every day and sometimes for a long time (45-60 minutes)

I go with it because I love her and don't want to offend her, but sometimes it keeps me up too late and it's an imposition.

3. To have to work to put him in a good mood before u leave and when u come back seems like a lot of work. He's ur husband not ur patient.

4. You deserve to live ur life and enjoy it while at the same time helping others.

Consider setting some ground rules: we will talk once a day for 15-20 minutes. I'll call u when I have the time. While I'm working I don't want u to call me unless it's an emergency.

Final comment. We don't have much control over our spouses. We can't take responsibility for their emotional health and happiness. The more I allow my wife to take advantage of me, the more she does it. I have gotten significant relief from and improvement in my wife's behavior by validating her but establishing boundaries and removing myself ( get quiet, lay down for a nap, walk the dog, or leave for several hours)  if they are violated. She is most fearful of abandonment and I think she has gotten the message that I'm close to the end of my rope even though I love her. Theo

[montanesa]

Ok, I'm going to sound insensitive to some, but here's my perspective:

1. At the other end of the spectrum, there are couples that don't call each other every day and it's not in the least abnormal.

2. In our case my uBPDw wants to talk every day and sometimes for a long time (45-60 minutes)

I go with it because I love her and don't want to offend her, but sometimes it keeps me up too late and it's an imposition.

3. To have to work to put him in a good mood before u leave and when u come back seems like a lot of work. He's ur husband not ur patient.

4. You deserve to live ur life and enjoy it while at the same time helping others.

Consider setting some ground rules: we will talk once a day for 15-20 minutes. I'll call u when I have the time. While I'm working I don't want u to call me unless it's an emergency.

Final comment. We don't have much control over our spouses. We can't take responsibility for their emotional health and happiness. The more I allow my wife to take advantage of me, the more she does it. I have gotten significant relief from and improvement in my wife's behavior by validating her but establishing boundaries and removing myself ( get quiet, lay down for a nap, walk the dog, or leave for several hours)  if they are violated. She is most fearful of abandonment and I think she has gotten the message that I'm close to the end of my rope even though I love her. Theo

Theo, I don't see how that post could be considered insensitive!

I, too, have learned not to be taken advantage of. I finally got fed up and left one day when he was out of control. I went for an hour-long drive. I calmly explained that I'd be back, but that I wasn't going to accept that type of treatment. I also explained that I'd do the same thing in the future were the situation to repeat itself.

We had the most wonderful week after that. In fact, on Friday before leaving home I thanked him for such a great week. We had a nice, romantic Thursday night because I thought it would help prepare for the weekend. I am so confused about where I went wrong. I left him food. We had a nice Thursday night. We had a nice chat on Friday. Everything went downhill on Saturday, apparently.

I am doing my best to not show a reaction to, what I feel like, his manipulating me. I asked for the morning off from work to spend more time with him since he was completely out of it last night. We're talking slurred speech and dangerous driving. He doesn't drink because he's on meds, so I don't know what the dickens could have caused such drastic changes in his behavior/health. I've been searching the 'net this morning but can't find anything as to what happened.

[elemental]

sorry, but until you establish trust with them, you will get nowhere.

he is suspicious of you because you have been invalidating him. the point of your actions is to validate him into being willing to work with you. then you can begin to establish a routine that makes life workable for both of you.

How are you going to get there if you just say to him essentially I AM BUSY.

Really?

[Wrongturn1]

sorry, but until you establish trust with them, you will get nowhere.

I'm going to have to disagree with part of Zencat's statement here: "until you establish trust with them".  As far as I can tell, people with BPD are not capable of trusting their spouses or significant others.  So for you as the non in the relationship, going to great lengths attempting to "establish trust" is a losing proposition that is doomed from the start. 

I agree with the people who are saying, "tell him you will miss him before you go; explain the times when you are allowed talk/communicate while you are away; call exactly when you say you are going to call him."  And that's all a reasonable person can do.  If he still chooses to become upset, maybe that pain will push him toward therapy and healing which would be the best outcome.  It's not your job to protect your person with BPD from the pain of the disorder (not that you're capable of doing that anyway).  Cheers!

[montanesa]

sorry, but until you establish trust with them, you will get nowhere.

he is suspicious of you because you have been invalidating him. the point of your actions is to validate him into being willing to work with you. then you can begin to establish a routine that makes life workable for both of you.

How are you going to get there if you just say to him essentially I AM BUSY.

Really?

All I did was go to work. I am not sure I am willing to sacrifice my job because he feels invalidated.

[elemental]

Probably experimenting and seeing what works and what you can strike a balance with in your professional life is a journey you inevitably will be making.

What is it that YOU are comfortable with right now?

[montanesa]

Probably experimenting and seeing what works and what you can strike a balance with in your professional life is a journey you inevitably will be making.

What is it that YOU are comfortable with right now?

I am a teacher. Last weekend was my first weekend away, doing an immersion course. I called and texted during every single break I had to let him know I was thinking of him. He, of course, didn't reply.

Other than that, I work random hours in the morning and evening while he is working. He's done this bologna before and I flat out told him that I can't have my cell phone on me during class because I'd be fired. I told him I'd text between classes.

I am the breadwinner for the family and, right now, the only thing keeping me sane is my job. I truly see no way to make my work-life balance better. I'm in Spain and jobs aren't as full-on/intense as they can be in the States or other countries.

[unicorn2014]

Thank you very much for this post. I'm in a ldr with my dBPD partner. I know we both experience separation anxiety. I know I too can fly off the handle. Is it possible your husband is uncomfortable with you being the breadwinner?

[Theo41]

Montanessa, Two thoughts: 1. Wrongturn hit the nail on the head and I totally concur with what he said. 2. It sounds,from ur last post that there may be something else going on like his over medicating when ur gone to quiet feelings of fear,anxiety, abandonment or whatever.

I totally understand ur bewilderment because I have been there too. In the final analysis I have been taught: I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can cure it. If I try to control it or cure/ fix it I will usually end up enabling it.  I try to be a good husband, be considerate of her condition, but I make sure that in the end I get to live my life in as satisfactory a manner as possible. Most people would say my situation is intolerable and I have been told that by more than one person. But I  rate my life 8 on a scale of 1-10 because I am able to compartmentalize and enjoy the other aspects of my life (work, sports,art, friends, etc). I can not allow my wife and her problems to overwhelm my life the way they used to. Heck I used to have arguments with her in the car every day, and more often than not she wasn't even there, i was wasting time fretting to myself:) All best. Keep at it. The situation may or may not get better, but u will. Theo

[montanesa]

Thank you very much for this post. I'm in a ldr with my dBPD partner. I know we both experience separation anxiety. I know I too can fly off the handle. Is it possible your husband is uncomfortable with you being the breadwinner?

This is a long and complicated issue. It's been this way for three years out of the five we've been together. He's a government employee and gets short contracts. I work in the private sector and have a good job. He feels all-together inadequate because of how the government system gets him down. I don't think this has much to do with it. We've delt with that on other occasions.

[montanesa]

Montanessa, Two thoughts: 1. Wrongturn hit the nail on the head and I totally concur with what he said. 2. It sounds,from ur last post that there may be something else going on like his over medicating when ur gone to quiet feelings of fear,anxiety, abandonment or whatever.

I totally understand ur bewilderment because I have been there too. In the final analysis I have been taught: I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can cure it. If I try to control it or cure/ fix it I will usually end up enabling it.  I try to be a good husband, be considerate of her condition, but I make sure that in the end I get to live my life in as satisfactory a manner as possible. Most people would say my situation is intolerable and I have been told that by more than one person. But I  rate my life 8 on a scale of 1-10 because I am able to compartmentalize and enjoy the other aspects of my life (work, sports,art, friends, etc). I can not allow my wife and her problems to overwhelm my life the way they used to. Heck I used to have arguments with her in the car every day, and more often than not she wasn't even there, i was wasting time fretting to myself:) All best. Keep at it. The situation may or may not get better, but u will. Theo

Thank you Theo 

[unicorn2014]

Theo41, it continues to amaze me how much dealing with a pwBPD is like recovering from alcoholism or being in a relationship with an alcoholic. Much of the same skills apply.