Keeping me hanging on

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Well I have been separated from my BPD ex for the best part of three months now. Been in contact with her for a few weeks now she seemed to be wanting me back but not fully jumping in again, keeping me at arms length so to speak. I knew exactly what was happening but it wasn't hurting me like before.

Anyway she had told me 3 weeks ago she was in therapy and that she wanted to fix things with me.

Last night I called her out and told her that keeping me hanging on like this was not good for me. She broke down and said she cant deal with her disorder or her sexuality and that she feels she's living a lie. Told me that I was the only person to ever understand her and care about her.

Told me she knew that I would never just be friends with her and didn't want to fully loose me.

[strikeforce]

Well I have been separated from my BPD ex for the best part of three months now. Been in contact with her for a few weeks now she seemed to be wanting me back but not fully jumping in again, keeping me at arms length so to speak. I knew exactly what was happening but it wasn't hurting me like before.

Anyway she had told me 3 weeks ago she was in therapy and that she wanted to fix things with me.

Last night I called her out and told her that keeping me hanging on like this was not good for me. She broke down and said she cant deal with her disorder or her sexuality and that she feels she's living a lie. Told me that I was the only person to ever understand her and care about her.

Told me she knew that I would never just be friends with her and didn't want to fully loose me.

[Pretty Woman]

Strike,

  Did you leave the relationship or did she?

[strikeforce]

She pushed me away just before her birthday in September

[Pretty Woman]

Wow. I am sorry to hear that.

Have there been several breaks?

I am asking out of curiosity. I was dumped 6x in 18mo, this time for a replacement.

You know, friends is not possible, right? Will just keep pulling you back in.

Mine wanted to be friends when she dumped me, said she loved me very, very much and would ALWAYS be in my life.

I questioned my being dumped and she now has blocked me on everything and says she will never speak to me again. She is "gone from my life forever" her words.

Good.

[bpdspell]

Strikeforce,

In all honesty what do you want? It helps to come clean about what our hearts truly want so we can break the addiction of always putting the power in our ex's disordered hands. Do you want a recycle or do you want this relationship over for good? Your ex can only dangle and twist your heartstrings if you allow her too.

Your experiencing the classic push/pull of BPD and it's an immense part of the sickness due to their low capacity to sustain intimacy and vulnerability.

I'm a tough love kind of girl so being stuck in neutral does not work for me. I had to admit that i loved, worshipped and missed my ex down to my core of cores but that a relationship with him on a level that I desired would be impossible due to his mental illness. In the end I had to choose me because it was the healthiest option. Making that decision helped me to mourn and grieve instead of being stuck in limbo.

You ex does not having the power to keep you hanging on…that is the power that we give them.

Spell

[strikeforce]

Earth Angel   this was the third time we split up.

Thanks Spell. 

I don't want her back in a relationship sense and I know the best thing to do is move on.

Plus if we stay friends she will try and pull me back in?

[Pretty Woman]

Strike,

 She will try to pull you back in OR she will throw her new relationship in your face either to make you jealous or pit you against her new "object" to make them jealous.

My ex left me for her ex who was her "best friend". She called this woman our entire relationship. When she was mad at me she would tell me, "L thinks you treat me like crap and can't understand why I put up with it"!

Um and I care, why? And why does her opinion hold so much value?

So she leaves me for this woman and comes back a month later. I take her back. No "I'm sorry" nothing. All she said was she needed to come back because we were "not finished yet".

In other words, she hadn't "finished me off" yet.

When she dumped me this time she came over and said we should "see other people". This was after a weekend where I was feeling very depressed. She asked me if we were over and I was silent. I was so sad and so down from something unrelated to us.

So percieving rejection she jumped ship.

So now, she says she loves me very, very much. That she is attracted to me, I am very attractive but we are "very different" (yup) but I am her BEST FRIEND.

Yeah when she left the ex to come back she kept telling me how she "lost her best friend"---the ex being her BFF like I was supposed to sympathize that she left me to cheat with this woman. Said we were "broken up" yet she was emotionally cheating through text and calls for months (even locked her phone).



So wanting to be my BEST FRIEND when you've treated me like shyt... .not acceptable.

That is why you cannot be friends. If you couldn't trust them as a mate what makes anyone think friends would work?

I declined my ex's request and actually confronted her over why we were splitting. All of a sudden I was split black and relayed to everyone as a stalker who abused her.

I never layed a finger on her ever nor ever called her a name.

I've been threatened with RESTRAINING ORDERS and took this woman back!

Why would anyone want a friend like that?

[strikeforce]

So true Earth Angel  

I guess I just needed to hear that

As Spell said: tough love

 

[Ironmanrises]

Told me she knew that I would never just be friends with her and didn't want to fully loose me.

I hate you, don't leave me. Come here, go away. Push/pull. Here and there. Hang in there buddy.

[fromheeltoheal]

She broke down and said she cant deal with her disorder or her sexuality and that she feels she's living a lie.

That is very good awareness for a borderline.  It's up to you to decide if she's lying or not, or possibly just parroting what a therapist told her with no real awareness of what it means.

Told me that I was the only person to ever understand her and care about her.

Told me she knew that I would never just be friends with her and didn't want to fully loose me.

Classic borderline pull line; again you need to decide if she's telling the truth, and of course even if it's true for her today it may not be tomorrow.

Mine loved me as a person and as a lover, but the lover part triggered her and the wheels fell off frequently.  So she tried to retain a friendship with me, close but not too close, take the good leave the bad.  Unacceptable to me, like you, but she at least had the awareness that too close caused explosions, but too far away hurt, so she was trying her best to straddle the line.  Sorry babe, nice try, gotta go.

[bpdspell]

Plus if we stay friends she will try and pull me back in?

It depends on what you define as "friendship."

In my world friendship is based on trust and mutual respect both neither of which I have for my ex.

Now do I give a toss about my ex? yes. I shared deep parts of myself with this person.

But do I trust him and respect him? Absolutely not.

My ex not only cheated and lied incessantly; overall he wasn't a nice person and was incapable of reciprocity. Our relationship was based on HIS need and his entitlement. In essence i would be fulfilling the role of replacement parent and I'd be sucked dry spiritually, emotionally and physically. Then I would be childishly blaming him for turning me into a carcass!

But it's a dance and it takes two to Tango and if you sign up for the BS you cosign the BS.

Every time you give them an inch they'll take an entire school bus.

So there are remnants of you that want to hold on yo your ex and I can completely relate to not wanting to let go. But being friends with an untreated Borderline is like playing with a stick do dynamite in a gas station.

spell

[strikeforce]

Well we chatted on Facebook and she said it hurt so much that I couldn't be friends with her, wished me all the best and then blocked me

[Ironmanrises]

She blocked you to hurt you and as a form of control(so you wouldn't block her first). Mine blocked me on IG the day she left me in round 2(I had her blocked on fb/IG when she left me in round 1, she had told me when she came back, "I was going to block you first, but you beat me to it." again, as a form of control. End goal, to inflict hurt.

[strikeforce]

She blocked you to hurt you and as a form of control(so you wouldn't block her first). Mine blocked me on IG the day she left me in round 2(I had her blocked on fb/IG when she left me in round 1, she had told me when she came back, "I was going to block you first, but you beat me to it." again, as a form of control. End goal, to inflict hurt.

Im actually laughing about it

[babyducks]

In my world friendship is based on trust and mutual respect both neither of which I have for my ex.

Now do I give a toss about my ex? yes. I shared deep parts of myself with this person.

But do I trust him and respect him? Absolutely not.

Every time you give them an inch they'll take an entire school bus.



spell

Whoa Spell!  Thank you so much for this one...    Really works for me today.

Not only do I have almost no trust and very little respect for my EX, I am almost a little fearful, waiting for the next attack of rage to come boiling out.   

And how come I never noticed that before you said it?

'ducks

[heartandwhole]

strikeforce, my friend,

The title of your post is "keeping me hanging on" – you know who that is.

She blocked you, but may unblock you tomorrow, who knows?  You are the only person who can stop the cycles, when you are ready.

Anything else is more cycling. 

[strikeforce]

strikeforce, my friend,

The title of your post is "keeping me hanging on" – you know who that is.

She blocked you, but may unblock you tomorrow, who knows?  You are the only person who can stop the cycles, when you are ready.

Anything else is more cycling. 

I know 

I wanted to try and help but its impossible, my downfall was caring too much