reread old mails from the break up during august

[zkirtz]

I reread the mail that we wrote the months before the break up.

Very painful.

It is only now (after lots of reading here) that I realize there is a real strategy to it, that I have been manipulated into guilt ridden behaviour, not just once but all the time, again and again.

There are some clear patterns:

I am very mad at you -> Oh I am soo soo sorry, what can I do to make it up to you

I am very pitiful, I need you -> I will do everything to help you.

Whine whine whine whine -> I am fed up with you ... .  oh wait wait I am so sorry for being upset with you I just lost my temper for a moment

At the time I really panicked over his I am so so ill and you do not even help me mails. And I panicked even more if he became upset with me. What did I do, I only tried to help I am sorry so so sorry.

I really grew out of that.

If I read it now I slowly come to realize that this only makes sense if you see the BPD reactions as sincere. As soon as you see them as possibly-malicious, your own positiveness and helpwillingness becomes ununderstandable.

So I guess my tactics I used really worked, first I had a breakthrough wherein I replied all his mails with an analysis in terms of riding guilt misguided complaints then I started asking him: mail me... .then he feels forced to break up with me (as a punishment because I started asking things) then I ignored him but did help him out in terms of money so that I could not be accused of being the bad guy. (it is just money and unlike other times, this is unasked so there is no death threat involved) then he tried to guild ride me into doing things that I succesfully ignored and after a very long time he did not mail me, I started to whine back. Whine, ask and ignore. Basically his tactics used against him. And it really worked. When I started complaining he ignored me. And that is what I wanted. Him ignoring me.

Really worked but one thing. I am still very scared he'll find me one day. Then what.

[heartandwhole]

zkirtz,

I understand why you chose to use the same tactics as your ex to change the dynamic, but please be careful.  Sometimes these things backfire.  You know yourself and your ex better than any of us here, so you have all that experience to base your actions on.

I know you have been afraid of some kind of surprise visit from your ex, and since he has been violent before, I hope you've been thinking about putting a safety plan in place?

Taking care of your physical, emotional and mental well being is nothing to ever feel guilty about.  You are the only one who can do that, so don't let anyone's needs pull you away from your responsibility to yourself. 

[TakingWingAtLast]

ZKirtz,

Ditto to HeartandWhole.  Plan!  It's important!

Rather than mirroring him, I suggest that you use any communication to look at the behavior with the lens that he is bwBPD.  Evaluate just like you have been, but instead of replying or reengaging, just go ahead and FEEL whatever you are feeling about it, whether anger or grief or acceptance, write that down.  Use every communication to get through all the pain and grief and anger until you only see these with empathy and understanding.  The problem with the mirroring tactics is that you are still reengaging when you likely need to be detaching.   I also fear that what you are doing will backfire, but like H&H, I can appreciate the need to put them down. 

For what it's worth! 

We are here for you!  And have your back!

D

[zkirtz]

what I described was more a past continuous than a present continuous.

These were my tactics, I stopped when they resulted in him not contacting me. It worked for some months. Now he just tries to get a foot in the door by another guilttrickmail but I ignore it. At least I CAN ignore it now.

My topic just wanted to point out that it is painful to reread your own struggle with defending your interests in the face of unreason. May be I should not dwell on examples, sorry.

I thank you for your worries and tips. Again. That is really very sweet.

I do not have a safety plan other than moving out. Because of a stagnant housing market in my country, this is not viable in the near future. So sometimes I barricade the door with the ladder and I have a rope so that I can tie it to the balcony if needed. I sometimes think my fears are real but on other days I think that my fears are unfounded. He did come by once and then I called the police. After that he did not try it anymore, although he sometimes said he did... .

I see that this mirroring may seem as an eye for an eye tactic. The reason it worked to get him abandoning me, does certainly not mean that it is the best way out. The reason why it worked is because I did not "feel" these complaints, I just mailed it so that I sent I a signal that I was not something he could "use" anymore and it was an effort in a stack of efforts to get him to leave me alone. I thought: if it is true that he did really not love me but loved to abuse me, I should ask his help so that he knew there was nothing left to suck out of me.

I think it was a process of trying different behaviour to see it would lead to him leaving me alone, thus enabling me -and him- to abandon a very wrong, destructive relationship.

Again, thanks so much for your thoughts.