Skewed Reality

[Depression = 72% of members]

Has anyone experienced their BPD's ability to skew reality and make it seem real? And when they do that do you confront their error or just let them go?

Example... .My uBPDbf's company has been going through a lot of changes & layoffs. Recently his boss, the region manager was let go with a severance pkg.  Last night my BPDbf had a meeting for a charity board he is on & he also said he then had a meeting with the upper bosses of the company and that they offered him a buyout, which he didn't take.  While he was talking on & on about it last night (after drinking), I just listened and validated him being frustrated, irritated, and unsure of the unknown.

While I listened some things just didn't seem to click, so I did some checking today and found that there was no meeting with the bosses (there is a meeting this morning), and there was no buyout offer.

So he seems to have crossed the border on reality regarding this. What do you do or say when what they believe isn't reality?

[FigureIt]

Has anyone experienced their BPD's ability to skew reality and make it seem real? And when they do that do you confront their error or just let them go?

Example... .My uBPDbf's company has been going through a lot of changes & layoffs. Recently his boss, the region manager was let go with a severance pkg.  Last night my BPDbf had a meeting for a charity board he is on & he also said he then had a meeting with the upper bosses of the company and that they offered him a buyout, which he didn't take.  While he was talking on & on about it last night (after drinking), I just listened and validated him being frustrated, irritated, and unsure of the unknown.

While I listened some things just didn't seem to click, so I did some checking today and found that there was no meeting with the bosses (there is a meeting this morning), and there was no buyout offer.

So he seems to have crossed the border on reality regarding this. What do you do or say when what they believe isn't reality?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mono No Aware]

To the person with BPD, reality becomes flexible as their dysregulated emotions warp it during severe episodes.

I have witnessed my BPD mate go through auditory hallucinations and wholeheartedly believe in some deeply paranoid and unrealistic thoughts in a time of great stress... .and it was holiday season too. This was shortly before her suicide attempt.

So here we are in the holiday season and your BPD mate is feeling the quite horrifying stress of a no-job Christmas. I would advise you to stay on your toes, it may get worse.

[briefcase]

That's odd.  Twisted thinking and distorted recollection of facts are pretty common.  But, this sounds more deliberate.  Almost, like its how he wanted the meeting in the morning to go.

How did things turn out?

[FigureIt]

He still has his job.  I asked how the meeting went and he said it didn't finish. I do know he had a Dr. Appt. at 1:30 he went to and then was home early. I didn't press the question any further and he didn't offer anything.

It seems though that especially when he is drinking and over stressed his reality is way off.  When his reality is off, should I try to correct it or just let it go?

[Cloudy Days]

I find that telling my husband that his reality isn't correct just makes him turn against me. I've had lots of moments where I wished I would have said something different.

I usually say something that sort of agrees with him but not really. Like a "Could Be" type response. The only time I really try to correct him now on anything is if it is going to affect him in some way in the future and I have a way to prove my reality.

[briefcase]

He still has his job.  I asked how the meeting went and he said it didn't finish. I do know he had a Dr. Appt. at 1:30 he went to and then was home early. I didn't press the question any further and he didn't offer anything.

It seems though that especially when he is drinking and over stressed his reality is way off.  When his reality is off, should I try to correct it or just let it go?

What do you hope to accomplish by correcting him?  I agree, that would likely just be triggering with no real up side.  Just take what he says with a grain of salt, verify what you can, and trust in your own reality. 

[Chosen]

I think for pwBPDs, their reality is based on their emotions, not on logic.  Therefore, to us who think logically, it wouldn't make sense.  I would first suggest how to think with a "wise mind", which you can find on the Lessons bit.

Imagine a young child who dropped a vase.  You are going to shout at him.  So he tells you "it was the dog.  It was jumping about and knocked the vase over."

Why does the child lie?  It's because he wants to prevent punishment, and also to make himself look better.  pwBPDs are similar.  They may not outright lie, but they may twist reality in their minds (perhaps not even consciously) so they don't have to go through the emotional turmoil ("I may be sacked", "I'm worried about the meeting with the boss, who I just know is going to sack me"... .)  I guess it's their way of self-preservation (not correct, but that's how they are).  If you try to tell them their reality is wrong, you'll likely get very little results.