summarising the issues

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

I am kind of summing up the issues here, guess its a form of thinking out loud, though I am not sure how I can solve all these issues, I am open to advice if anybody feels the need to comment.

Thanks

1 BP always had issues with my friends, anything that takes my attention away from him is a recipe for disaster. Although he is better these days, this was the reason for many of his attacks on me for the first 2 years and after when we went Long Distance for 1.5 years.

I cope with this by letting my friends know quietly that I am in such a relationship, and to allow me to contact them, not the other way around, this protects all of us. BP knows little of this, and this is the way it has to be.

Apart from the fact that I work 6 days per week split shifts, I don't have a huge social life anyway, haven't for a long time. BP knows I still have friends however, but as long as they aren't phoning/texting me constantly, he doesn't get upset, whew!



2 BP feels that because I allow my 23 year old daughter and her fiancé to board with me, that him and I cannot be together as we should.

My reply to this is that because of the way BP has acted out at this house (and towards me and my family) at times, and because when he is upset he can be extremely unstable, my family don't feel safe having him around all the time when they are here.

We all know that when he gets dysregulated, he cannot be trusted to do the right thing, so we are trying to protect ourselves.

I do not want my family to move out, nor do I wish to choose between them, my daughter was boarding here with me before I met BP, and the arrangement we all have is beneficial to us all, financially and otherwise.

3 BP has a big grudge against my future son in law, and how he has spent his money, has no savings etc etc. This is a topic of common upset with him, and seems to be all he focuses on, (going on about the same old things every day).

I am full to the eyeballs with listening to BP's opinions and assumptions about my son in law, and as soon as he starts expressing verbal abuse, resentment etc, I switch off, and tell him that I am not discussing it again right now. There is nothing I can do, but manage my own money and not allow myself to be taken for granted.

What would any of you do?

Rentals in our area/country are very expensive, as is the cost of living, food, utilities and everything really. We all work full time, and are doing well, and being here is beneficial to all of us in lots of ways not just financially.

For example, we have never been burgled in a city with rampant crime everywhere, because there is always someone here at nights and during the days at some point.

BP could be living here too, just like he was to start with, but his need to get upset and watch and comment on everything my family does gets on our nerves. My family don't feel comfortable having BP around all the time when they are home, because they know he is constantly judging them and scrutinising them, they feel like they are under the microscope all the time, and so do I in fact.

So as it is at present, BP has worn out his welcome at his elderly parents, and has been back living pretty much in his car for the whole time we have been apart, (4 months which in which he dumped me in a flurry of verbal abuse).

I was pretty sceptical about getting back with him again, and wasn't very warm to him when he phoned up, especially since the last time I had seen him in person, (June) he had assaulted me, which resulted in my losing a temp position I had for extra cash).

My daughter and fiancé haven't forgotten what he had done to me either, and were not warm to the idea of his ever returning to the house. As it turned out, BP smoothed his transition into my life/house over several days, so at some point I had to sit down with my family and discuss this.

They went out and updated our CCTV system, (patrols the front of our house) and keep the screen in their room now, instead of mine. I have agreed not to ever allow BP to be alone in our house in our absence, and currently he gets up and exits when I leave for work in the mornings, returning late at nights with me after I finish work.

I go back to my workplace in the evenings around 7pm, and BP joins me there, we sit and chat and I do the work whilst he waits in the car until the mall is shut. After 9pm, he has started coming in and helping me do some of the work.

Although I get frustrated because I could get a lot more achieved if he wasn't there.

During the days, he hangs out at the library on the internet, or at the beach parked in his car, or drives around looking for discarded car parts or other stuff. Sometimes lately we have hung out together during the days, going swimming twice like we did yesterday. I hung out with him all afternoon and into the early evening.

I am however awaiting him getting really upset yet again, and trying to instigate conflict with me at some point because he feels at threatened or abandoned.

So I wait for another outburst, and try to manage things in the meantime, including myself.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[briefcase]

1 BP always had issues with my friends, anything that takes my attention away from him is a recipe for disaster. Although he is better these days, this was the reason for many of his attacks on me for the first 2 years and after when we went Long Distance for 1.5 years.

I cope with this by letting my friends know quietly that I am in such a relationship, and to allow me to contact them, not the other way around, this protects all of us. BP knows little of this, and this is the way it has to be.

Apart from the fact that I work 6 days per week split shifts, I don't have a huge social life anyway, haven't for a long time. BP knows I still have friends however, but as long as they aren't phoning/texting me constantly, he doesn't get upset, whew!

Hmmmm.  I hear delicate footsteps treading on eggshells here.   

I'm not judging.  I lived this way for years - trying to arrange everything to avoid triggering my wife. 

Would you prefer an arrangement where your friends and family were free to call you, and you were free to take their calls as you wished and he found a way to deal with his own anxieties and emotions?

Believe it or not, its possible.  But, it requires some hard work on your part.  Maybe start with some "easy" people - like family members.  Let them know they are free to contact you at any time.  Then, start taking their calls.  When he reacts, you will need to defend your new boundary (that your family can contact you).  He will not like it, and his distress will cause you some anxiety and emotional pain too.  If you stay strong he will eventually have an extinction burst and, eventually, it won't be a big deal for you or him when you take calls from family.  You can add more and more people to the list and eventually take calls from friends too. 

I know, its easier said than done.  But . . . and this is important . . . it can be done. 

Your living arrangements seem complicated, and maybe you can validate some of his feelings about that (without necessarily having to change anything) - Yes, it is hard sometimes to have everying living here together.  Or something along those lines. 

[allibaba]

Briefcase has really given some excellent advise here.  Trying to tiptoe around BPD triggers for me resulted in more and more and more triggers coming up.  Eventually I found myself living in my own personal hell.  I loved my husband but its no way to live!

Taking the first step off the cliff was hard (for me it was boundary enforcement around verbal abuse... .for you it sounds like it might be boundaries around having your own control of your relationships with friends and family)... .when I took the step I was terrified.  I didn't know if it was a 1 foot curb or a 2 mile cliff.  It turns out that it was somewhere in between.

My husband got violent with me when he was unhappy.  It was scary.  I had to work hard to protect myself, my pets, and my son.  The extinction bursts were horrendous.  Today - 6-9 months later I don't blink twice about standing up for my morals and values in my relationship with my husband.  The fog is clearing and I am a better person for all of this (even though the journey is at times totally exhausting).  I feel off the cliff but it was only about 10 feet.  The landing hurt a little but it was worth it.

[waverider]

I will concur with Briefcase here. You living arrangements are too complicated and fragile, with potential triggers waiting. It will be difficult to uphold this long term.

Sounds like he has too much time on his hands and so concentrates too much on what everyone elses is doing.

You need to form some firm boundaries and weather the extinction burst and get things back onto a more simple sustainable footing.

As Briefcase says, easier to say than do