My story was on the boards over the summer. To cut it short my ex who lived in another country in Europe after I kicked him out of my house eventually for his unreasonable demands, tantrums, jealousy and total refusal to contribute financially, kept saying that he 'didnt' want a relationship' but that he still loved me and like a fool I kept travelling to see him and paying for him to come to see me.
In May on a visit I paid for him to make ( why why why?) I got accidentally pregnant. He had been behaving bizarrely and sending weird emails and texts, alternately obsessing about threesomes with me, accusing me of infidelity (total projection!) and apologising for having 'made me feel worse' and saying things like 'it is my priority to fix things between us'. Caught in the BPD spiral and my own depression and slipped into terrible despair and loneliness. I am a single parent who was on her own at the time trying to write an academic book (still unwritten!) 5 days before I found out I was pregnant I told him I felt despair and that things were over between us. He then sent a number of angry abusive texts calling me a psycho and saying that he would never speak to me again.
He was good to his word until late August. In the meantime I told him of the pregnancy and he ignored me except to send one text on the day of my abortion saying 'you have damaged me deeply whether you admit it or not. My nights and days are filled with the terrible things you have said and done'.
I found out via facebook in September that he had been seeing another woman since the end of April. In fact- as I extracted from him when we met briefly in September- he had MOVED IN with her at the exact point he dumped me. He had also assumed that I was 'making up' the pregnancy or conversely that I would keep the baby 'to punish him'.
He moved out of her house in mid August and began contacting me afterwards with vague references to explanations etc and telling me he had 'gone out with a girl' after he dumped me- this was of course lies.
When I found out I received a torrent of tears, rage and abuse. He accused me of having 'corrupted him' (we had a stormy relationship, in my opinion because of his issues, but of course mine contribute, I am hardly perfect and we had a rocky start too.) He said that before he met me he was innocent and could never have lied, that I had abused him for three years (in fact he lived off me and extracted money from me for much of that; the 'abuse' seems to have been our arguments and the times I ended the relationship because I just couldn't take any more insanity, demands and crazy jealousy).
He has been texting and calling ever since. Some of the texts have been apologies and confessions of inadequacy, that he is a piece of hit, a liar, that he knows it is all his fault and I will not forgive him; some excuses that he lost three months of his life and does not know what happened, that he was too stoned to know what he was doing (?), that he never fancied or wanted the other woman
, that he always loved me, that he will love me for a long time and I am the love of his life, that I know I love him and can't we try again, he has changed, he will never do it again, he lost his 'persona' and I will see if I will only agree to meet him, that he is different now. Alternately, that I am a bhit who corrupted him, a whore (I did have a one night stand early in the relationship when I thought I was going to leave him; this was totally wrong and I have admitted it and apologised many times. I should have just left for good), an abuser who caused the whole situation by 'destroying him for three years', a materialist who 'only cares about money' (I paid for everything including luxury holidays, etc), 'completely mad', a person 'to whom life means nothing', etc etc. Sometimes all those attitudes in the same day!
The insanity is obvious yet somehow I still miss him. I know I must never see him again and luckily this is easy. I know that I should also cut him off in every way and that is harder. I got so used to the insanity every day and in there somewhere is a lost little boy whom I care for deeply.
After three months of not seeing him the love, jealousy, humiliation and that weird grief stricken craving for him are really dying down. Finding out about the affair and realising what a total piece of crap he had really been kind of helped me move on, furious though I was. Before that, being depressed and with low self esteem I believed somehow what he said, that I was a bhit and it was all my fault.
I am trying to move on to another relationship but feel like damaged goods. I feel unable to give myself to my new boyfriend fully and am not sure if I am just taking refuge in the new relationship. Plus it is so much less intense than with uBPD ex, I feel as if he doesn't like me all that much!1 And I guess that may be true but I can't know for sure. My thinking and emotional responses are so weirdly and distortedly conditioned now!
Anyway I wanted to share this story as it shows the horrible persistence of some BPD relationships. How they get hooks of pity etc in you even for a person who has treated you like less than trash.
I am so sad, to think that the person who seemed to and still claims to love me soo much, was a sort of mirage. A broken piece of someone. It is tragic :'( I really did love him. But I don't think I do any more.
Love to all. xxx
