pwBPD re-writing history?

[Botswana Agate]

I'm encountering that now.  (Just posted in the introductory section with relevant background; hope this is the right board to be posting on, as I think I'm aiming toward a total disengagement/cut-off at some point with BPD Mom.)

One of my brother's conditions to re-establishing a relationship with both parents since mom's death-threat e-mail was a signed release from each of their therapists, stating that both parents were in fact seeing a therapist and we kids would be able to speak with each therapist.  Two weeks ago, we siblings received a statement and release from my dad's therapist, with whom I spoke over the phone (and whom I seemed to really like, too). 

A few days ago, both my brother and I got Christmas cards in the mail, written in my mother's hand.  They said that "you (my brother and I, presumably) have heard from both our therapists.  You are loved and welcome at our house at Christmas and any other time. {signed in both my parents' individual hands}".  Thing is, I haven't heard anything from any therapist of my mother's, and neither has my brother; I checked with him.  The only thing any of us (there's several of us sibs) received--besides mind-game e-mails from my mother ever since she said my dad was going to kill her--was a letter that was, at best, a fauxpology, a letter basically excusing and justifying what she did when she said our dad was going to blow her head off.

I showed the Christmas card to my dad, and asked him about this other therapist's letter that we were supposed to have received.  He said that oh yes, mom said her therapist sent it.  No, neither brother nor I ever received such a thing.  Dad says my mother swears up and down that her therapist sent it.  NO, I said the only thing we got was that fauxpology missive that was more mind-screw than anything.  I knew right away that it was another of my mother's tactics, to re-write history.

Which brings me to two questions:

(1)  Why do they re-write history like this?  I'm sure if she were confronted with other things, she "wouldn't remember" them or say they didn't happen.

(2)  If indeed she has been in counseling since her original death-threat e-mail, why on earth would she keep sending mind-screw e-mails to me and my sibs?  I mean, isn't the reason you go into counseling so you can CHANGE the way you think and do things, not keep being screwed up?  Case in point:  when Easter rolled around, my brother and I got an e-mail from her (remember, he completely cut both parents off and I put her on no-contact) saying how she hoped that we were happy with the "unendurable pain we've caused her and our father, and how she wishes us the peace of Jesus at Easter and all of our days".  I mean, isn't that f'd up?  People in counseling don't do that, do they? 

[Sitara]

Hi Botswana Agate, and welcome!  I read your intro post as well and I am sorry that your family is going through such a difficult period right now. 

Why do they re-write history like this?  I'm sure if she were confronted with other things, she "wouldn't remember" them or say they didn't happen.

One of the things I've heard a lot here is that feelings = facts to them.  I wish I could find a good link describing it more in detail.  Maybe someone else will know of one.  This is a hard one to get over, especially when they are saying things that you know without a doubt to be untrue.  If I remember correctly, it has something to do with them being emotionally incapable of dealing with being wrong, much like a small child. (Someone correct me if I'm wrong.)  I found it much easier to understand my mom once I realized that emotionally she's about as advanced as my 4 year old child. I realized this after she threw a full-on screaming tantrum that she concluded by throwing the phone at my dad.  When I first joined here, someone gave me the advice to picture a tantruming toddler when having to deal with her.

If indeed she has been in counseling since her original death-threat e-mail, why on earth would she keep sending mind-screw e-mails to me and my sibs?  I mean, isn't the reason you go into counseling so you can CHANGE the way you think and do things, not keep being screwed up?

This was taken from an article about how to tell if your BPD is serious about treatment:

"Some with BPD will not ever acknowledge that they have problems, let alone a personality disorder. Others will, for whatever reason, seek treatment, but not admit to having issues . Still others will seek treatment only when experiencing "fear of abandonment" because others are pressuring them.

Any of the above scenarios aren't likely to effect a high success rate in therapy or the kind of results that are desired and needed.

The most promising situation comes only when a borderline has the personal desire and motivation to change. When your loved one needs to, at the very least, turn suffering into manageable pain, and at the very best, get on and stay on the road to recovery. This motivation must come from deep inside the person with BPD to enter into treatment, and make a meaningful ongoing commitment to it"

The whole article is here, you may find it helpful.  https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a118.htm

The general advice around here is not to try and force the pwBPD to go to therapy because if they don't realize that something is wrong and are unwilling to change, it won't do any good.  I've also read that sometimes if they get a therapist who doesn't know as much about BPD, often they are able to convince the therapist that they are the victim.  It sounds like from what you said, she is only (maybe) going because that was the condition that your brother set forth, and not because she sees anything wrong with her behavior or she wants help.  I definitely feel for you.  I gently suggested that my mother seek therapy to deal with her unresolved issues (which she complains about all the time) and she told me she was perfectly fine and I should see a therapist (in a very insulting way).  I just wanted to help, but she is incapable of admitting anything is wrong with her, because for someone with BPD and their black/white thinking, she would be a bad person.

If your mom has not done what your brother has asked (the boundary he has set) then he should stick with no contact until she does.  Did you have any conditions attached like he has or do you want to continue with no contact?  How did you respond to the email?

She probably is feeling hurt and scared, but because she is incapable of dealing with those emotions herself, she is projecting them on you two.  She needs you to deal with these scary and hurtful emotions for her.  But that's not healthy for you.

It's great that you dad is actually going.  Hopefully the therapist will be able to help him.  Your dad probably just went along with what your mom said because he knows the consequences of not just going along with everything she says.  My dad is a total enabler, and he'll just follow her along saying "yes dear" to everything she says just so he doesn't have to deal with it.

And in answer to your title question, yes my uBPD mom re-writes history all the time.  Someone else is always at fault, someone else is always to blame, and she's miss perfect and no one would ever get anything done without her.

I hope you're able to find some answers and some peace here.  Know you aren't alone.

[Bracken]

Hi there,

I understand your consternation about the re-writing of history by your mother. Such things are crazy-making. We can spend SO much of our time and energy trying to make sense of such things - and/or trying to show others the NON-sense that they are.

Worse still, is when these pwBPD actually succeed in WRITING history - making their fears, fantasies, projections have life-altering consequences for themselves and others - even if they do not literally come true.

It sounds like your mother is definitely NOT in counselling - but your father is. Could they go to counselling as a couple? Your mother's statements about your father - while they may be paranoid and delusional - are nevertheless an indication that their relationship seriously needs help. Also - going with your father would not only be a way of ensuring that she gets some counselling. Another advantage is that it might help prevent the problem that Sitara mentions: that when pwBPD do go to counselling, they often manage to render it quite useless. As effectively manipulative people, they may convince a therapist of "their side of the story": that they are sadly misunderstood victims. There has been a terrible problem with that in my own family. (Not with my M, though; I'm not sure that she EVER had counselling.) Going to a therapist with your father might put a bit of a check on such manipulation.

Take care, Botswana Agate 

[rehtorb70]

(1)  Why do they re-write history like this?  I'm sure if she were confronted with other things, she "wouldn't remember" them or say they didn't happen.

I think this is one facet of a larger issue. 

For example, one could also ask why pwBPD are manipulative in such a clumsy way.  Or why they lack empathy.

In all these situations, I think there is a common thread.  See, within the mind of a normal, mature person, there are decent models of other peoples' minds.  If you are thinking about some action or inaction which will affect another person, you will subconsciously predict how that other person will react.  And plan accordingly.  So for example a husband who is deciding whether or not to shovel the driveway will anticipate his wife's reaction to the decision and factor it in.

Psychologists say that the ability to model other peoples' minds is usually developed at some point in early childhood.

My hypothesis is that pwBPD never really develop much capability of modelling other peoples' minds.  They can often do it with a great deal of effort but it does not come naturally to them.  So they clumsily invent lies which will offend and alienate other people.  They engage in clumsy attempts at manipulation.  Basically they are like 3-year-olds but with adult bodies and intellects.

But the key point is clumsiness.  Everyone manipulates or attempts to manipulate other people in the sense of trying to get other people to do things they would not otherwise do.  It's normally called "persuasion."   Anyway, it's just my hypothesis.

If indeed she has been in counseling since her original death-threat e-mail, why on earth would she keep sending mind-screw e-mails to me and my sibs?  I mean, isn't the reason you go into counseling so you can CHANGE the way you think and do things, not keep being screwed up? 

It's been said many times on these boards that pwBPD generally have poor insight, i.e. they do not really understand that there is anything wrong with them.  If they go into counseling, it's usually for manipulative purposes.

[nevermore]

The rewrites get to me more than most of it.  These are but a few... .

My father never spanked me. (He was constantly spanking us)

My brother was there when Dad died. (He was at work. Mom didn't call any of us)

She and my brother who took his life after she threw him out could have been so happy living together.

She was a fantastic mother.   

I could make a list of a thousand things but you get the idea.