Wedding bells are ringing

[MrFox]

It has been 101 days since my exBPDgf split up.  In those 101 days she has moved in with my replacement (that took a week), gotten engaged (that took 6 weeks), and today she will be getting married (3.5 months). 

Part of me... .

feels like I got stabbed in the heart with a screwdriver.

hopes that marriage is an utter failure and they are both miserable.

hopes that she cheats on him and he catches her.

hopes that he cheats on her and leaves her for another woman.

hopes that the marriage fails and she comes crawling back just so I can tell her to f**k off.

hopes that the marriage fails and she comes crawling back just so I can have her again.

While another part of me... .

is happy that she is his problem now.

feels bad for the guy because he will now be legal tied to her.

hopes that maybe he can some how be the one that can help her.

is glad it's not me.

Those parts of me seem to be warring within.  One minute I am happy that I no longer have to deal with her.  The next minute I want to Dustin Hoffman into the wedding like a lunatic and "steal" her away.  The minute after that I feel so much anger at her for what she did to me and to us and hope her life is nothing but unhappiness and misery for her and the man she is marrying.  Followed by just hoping she can some how find what she needs to have a happy healthy life.  I hate this.  I hate this whirlwind of thoughts in my brain that I can't seem to get under control.

[ucmeicu2]

Those parts of me seem to be warring within.  One minute I am happy that I no longer have to deal with her.  The next minute I want to Dustin Hoffman into the wedding like a lunatic and "steal" her away.  The minute after that I feel so much anger at her for what she did to me and to us and hope her life is nothing but unhappiness and misery for her and the man she is marrying.  Followed by just hoping she can some how find what she needs to have a happy healthy life.  I hate this.  I hate this whirlwind of thoughts in my brain that I can't seem to get under control.

oh my goodness, i have so so so been there.  it's horrible! 

one technique, i forgot the name, but when you become aware you're having intrusive thoughts you literally do a karate chop with your hand (sweeping from up by your head to down low) visualizing it cutting a path right through your circular/intrusive thoughts and, if you have the privacy, yell out "STOP!" at the same time.  then immediately go and do something, something different, something to distract you. 

works pretty good for me.  when i remember to do it.  when i am willing to do it.  do you ever find that you're aware you're suffering this way, but not really willing to do something different to make it stop?  like... .do we enjoy the suffering, on some level... .

[MrFox]

Thank you, ucmeicu2, I will definitely try that.  I'm pretty much open to trying anything to get this to stop.

I would agree that there are times when I am suffering, I am aware of it, and do nothing abou tit.  It's that wrong but ingrained idea that I some how deserve it.

[Perfidy]

MrFox. Hello. I see you aren't having the greatest time. It really sucks having to go through all of the crap. I know firsthand. I can relate. Nine months ago I was informed that I am single after an almost eight year relationship. Today I am still single. I was in horrible shape for many months. I did not begin to get better until I became proactive in my own healing. I know these relationships are horrible, especially the end. The end for me was a near death experience. The pain wouldn't stop. I had to find resources to lessen the pain. Time itself wasn't enough. I had hoped that I would just get better and move on. I got worse. The biggest reason I got worse is because I was looking at her not me. When I began to focus on myself entirely, I started getting better. It isn't perfect. I still fall back into the crap. It is way better than it was three months ago. I have no idea how her life is going and I don't want to know. She is none of my business. I don't communicate with her. I don't Facebook. Zero. No friend talk about her. I'm sharing this with you because it was probably the most important action I could have taken in my healing. I know it hurts... You wouldn't be human if it didn't, but it does get better.

[MrFox]

Thank you for the words and the advice, Perfidy.  While I have been doing my best to know nothing about her life.  I don't look at at her Facebook pages, I have asked those that we mutually know not to talk about her with me, etc, she made it a point in our last contact to let me know the date of her wedding.  After that I went NC.

I have been looking at myself more, got into therapy for my issues, and trying to figure out the reasons I would be with her and others like her (she is my second gf with BPD).  Things have been steadily getting better.  Today just feels like the final nail in the coffin of our relationship.  It's bittersweet I guess.  I loved her so damn much and still do.  Our relationship needs to be buried but it still hurts like hell. 

[Perfidy]

Understandable mr fox... It hasn't been very long for you. I know these times are hurtful. 

[MrFox]

Not long at all.  I look forward to the day I can think of her, remember the good times, and not feel anything for her.

[maxen]

well at the least you're a more generous fellow than i am.

I feel so much anger at her for what she did to me and to us and hope her life is nothing but unhappiness and misery for her and the man she is marrying.  Followed by just hoping she can some how find what she needs to have a happy healthy life.

that second bit? i don't feel that. i hope her deceit and sadism and the destruction she caused eat at whatever conscience mine has until she's driven to madness.

[mango_flower]

Gosh, I can so relate to this!  The incongruent feelings are awful! 

I tend to do silly repetitive things, like playing a game online, something simple like those bubble games or something... .slows the mind down a bit!  Not ideal long term but when it's all too much, it's good... .

Wishing you peace xxx

[MrFox]

Honestly I think I will be much happier when I can stop caring either way, regardless if her life is a magical dance through a filed of flowers or a living hell.  Then I will be truly detached from all of this crap.

Thank you for the kind words, you guys.  It's nice to hear on this day.  And, as much as I wish that no one else got to feel these things, it is nice to know that I'm not alone and that my reactions are normal.

[damage control]

that second bit? i don't feel that. i hope her deceit and sadism and the destruction she caused eat at whatever conscience mine has until she's driven to madness.

+1 except I also hope his penis drops off and he is left without a functioning sex life ... .facing his own demons and celibacy (not mutually exclusive) ... .his worst nightmare ... my happy place

[Perfidy]

I'm game... .Halloween I bought her bride costume told her it was the scariest thing I could think of. True story.

[maxen]

I also hope his penis drops off

 

[MrFox]

facing his own demons and celibacy (not mutually exclusive) ... .his worst nightmare ...

Replace "his" with "her" and you have just constructed my exBPDgf's worst nightmare as well.  She actually admitted to me that she uses sex to soothe herself during times of stress.  I was just to blind to see that it meant that there were times she was having sex with me just to chase away her inner demons for a minute. 

Typing that kind of made me a little disgusted, and a little angry.

[damage control]

Mr Fox ... .I know what you mean ... mine used/es sex as a way to bring somebody close and to control them ... engage their attachment ... make them worship and be addicted to him ... .

I sometimes wonder if he even really enjoys sex or if it is just a performance that brings him what he really wants ... .sadly, he seems to need and value plain old 'conversation' most of all ... and sex is a vehicle to get women to spend time with him ... his whole idenity is built around sex/desire but, I am not sure that he gets it as much as he appears to ... .

And yes, it saddens and disgusts me to

[Ironmanrises]

It has been 101 days since my exBPDgf split up.  In those 101 days she has moved in with my replacement (that took a week), gotten engaged (that took 6 weeks), and today she will be getting married (3.5 months).  

I am really sorry you had to find that out. Not that it will balm any of your hurt, the speed at which she "moved on" in terms of getting with the replacement, and then engaged and then married is clearly showcasing the     that very replacement is not seeing at all. That was you at one point. When the emotional closeness in that marriage triggers her disorder to reveal the Janus-faced entity that you experienced, hell on earth will begin. If that guy is anything like you, he will wonder where his once nice, beautiful person he so fell head over heels in love with to consummate a marriage in such a short period of time disappeared to, to be replaced by the other side. That awful side. Once she unloads all the vile she did not process at the ending of your relationship, onto him, that will send him into a tailspin. Then he will wonder about MrFox, you. Is this what my predecessor experienced? Was this the bad and awful MrFox(the false accusations he probably heard via her in idealization while you were devalued concurrently)? Or was he a decent and kind person such as myself(replacement)? Maybe then, he will stumble upon this site. And forever wonder, I hated that guy all this time and he was me, at one point in time. Hang in there. I know it hurts.

[Waifed]

It has been 101 days since my exBPDgf split up.  In those 101 days she has moved in with my replacement (that took a week), gotten engaged (that took 6 weeks), and today she will be getting married (3.5 months). 

Part of me... .

feels like I got stabbed in the heart with a screwdriver.

hopes that marriage is an utter failure and they are both miserable.

hopes that she cheats on him and he catches her.

hopes that he cheats on her and leaves her for another woman.

hopes that the marriage fails and she comes crawling back just so I can tell her to f**k off.

hopes that the marriage fails and she comes crawling back just so I can have her again.

While another part of me... .

is happy that she is his problem now.

feels bad for the guy because he will now be legal tied to her.

hopes that maybe he can some how be the one that can help her.

is glad it's not me.

Those parts of me seem to be warring within.  One minute I am happy that I no longer have to deal with her.  The next minute I want to Dustin Hoffman into the wedding like a lunatic and "steal" her away.  The minute after that I feel so much anger at her for what she did to me and to us and hope her life is nothing but unhappiness and misery for her and the man she is marrying.  Followed by just hoping she can some how find what she needs to have a happy healthy life.  I hate this.  I hate this whirlwind of thoughts in my brain that I can't seem to get under control.

What makes you think she will wait until the marriage fails to contact you?  It's just a piece of paper to them.

[Pearl55]

MrFox

You must understand that we are drawn to people who match OUR OWN level of emotional

development (and they're drawn to us), so it is critical to work on healing and growing.

There is ALWAYS a childhood template that sets us up for our attraction to a Borderline~ or cultivates those same traits within ourselves. Very likely, your ex has similar features/traits as your mom. This is what I've been told.

[Perfidy]

MrFox

You must understand that we are drawn to people who match OUR OWN level of emotional

development (and they're drawn to us), so it is critical to work on healing and growing.

There is ALWAYS a childhood template that sets us up for our attraction to a Borderline~ or cultivates those same traits within ourselves. Very likely, your ex has similar features/traits as your mom. This is what I've been told.

Pearl... I have heard it said that way before. We are drawn to people that match our own emotional maturity. I can't agree with this statement. Here's why... .She had the maturity of a three year old... I am mature. I have a personality that draws me to these needy people. What I believe from my own observation of myself, is that I am drawn to the emotional maturity level that suits my own codependency. If I were drawn to women that matched my maturity development it would be healthier for me. The mismatch was clearly the problem for me.

[maxen]

I can't agree with this statement. Here's why... .She had the maturity of a three year old... I am mature. I have a personality that draws me to these needy people. What I believe from my own observation of myself, is that I am drawn to the emotional maturity level that suits my own codependency. If I were drawn to women that matched my maturity development it would be healthier for me. The mismatch was clearly the problem for me.

just this.

[MrFox]

Sorry for the late response.  I decided to get myself out of the house yesterday and keep busy so I didn't dwell on it.

Mr Fox ... .I know what you mean ... mine used/es sex as a way to bring somebody close and to control them ... engage their attachment ... make them worship and be addicted to him ... .

I sometimes wonder if he even really enjoys sex or if it is just a performance that brings him what he really wants ... .sadly, he seems to need and value plain old 'conversation' most of all ... and sex is a vehicle to get women to spend time with him ... his whole idenity is built around sex/desire but, I am not sure that he gets it as much as he appears to ... .

And yes, it saddens and disgusts me to

I think she used it as a control as well.  I think she genuinely believes that's really all she has to offer.  What she really wants is love and nurturing from someone, but even when it's given she can't seem to feel it for very long.

I am really sorry you had to find that out. Not that it will balm any of your hurt, the speed at which she "moved on" in terms of getting with the replacement, and then engaged and then married is clearly showcasing the    that very replacement is not seeing at all. That was you at one point. When the emotional closeness in that marriage triggers her disorder to reveal the Janus-faced entity that you experienced, hell on earth will begin. If that guy is anything like you, he will wonder where his once nice, beautiful person he so fell head over heels in love with to consummate a marriage in such a short period of time disappeared to, to be replaced by the other side. That awful side. Once she unloads all the vile she did not process at the ending of your relationship, onto him, that will send him into a tailspin. Then he will wonder about MrFox, you. Is this what my predecessor experienced? Was this the bad and awful MrFox(the false accusations he probably heard via her in idealization while you were devalued concurrently)? Or was he a decent and kind person such as myself(replacement)? Maybe then, he will stumble upon this site. And forever wonder, I hated that guy all this time and he was me, at one point in time. Hang in there. I know it hurts.

Thank you, Ironmanfalls.  I know you are right and I just have to keep telling myself this.  It's not that I was replaced by someone better (or worse) but I was replaced with someone who would allow her more control and would jump into the marriage she thinks that she wants.

What makes you think she will wait until the marriage fails to contact you?  It's just a piece of paper to them.

Good point.  The reality is I don't her to contact me at all.  I won't go back with her, I won't be friends with her, and really I just want the satisfaction of telling her to f-off.  At least that hurt part of me does.  I know it's a somewhat childish feeling that I will never act on.  No contact is no contact.

MrFox

You must understand that we are drawn to people who match OUR OWN level of emotional

development (and they're drawn to us), so it is critical to work on healing and growing.

There is ALWAYS a childhood template that sets us up for our attraction to a Borderline~ or cultivates those same traits within ourselves. Very likely, your ex has similar features/traits as your mom. This is what I've been told.

There is no doubt that my ex and my mother share some similar traits.  My mother also has BPD.  Growing up crazy was normal.  Why wouldn't I look for crazy in my relationships?  Apparently I'm very good at finding it, but I'm working on myself to alleviate that problem.

Pearl... I have heard it said that way before. We are drawn to people that match our own emotional maturity. I can't agree with this statement. Here's why... .She had the maturity of a three year old... I am mature. I have a personality that draws me to these needy people. What I believe from my own observation of myself, is that I am drawn to the emotional maturity level that suits my own codependency. If I were drawn to women that matched my maturity development it would be healthier for me. The mismatch was clearly the problem for me.

I really like this point, Perfidy.  I do believe that my emotional maturity was far greater than her's. I think that was one of the things that drew her to me.  She very much set me up as a father figure in her life.  It wasn't so much that our emotional levels matched, as much as our dysfunctions fit together.  Me, a caregiver/enabler co-dependent looking for someone to care for and "fix".  Her, a lost little girl looking for some one to be a "father" to her.

Thank you all for the words.  It really is nice to know that there are people out there that can understand, empathize, and can also see the reality of the situation.  Helps keep me grounded and thinking clearly.     

[ucmeicu2]

MrFox

You must understand that we are drawn to people who match OUR OWN level of emotional

development (and they're drawn to us), so it is critical to work on healing and growing.

There is ALWAYS a childhood template that sets us up for our attraction to a Borderline~ or cultivates those same traits within ourselves. Very likely, your ex has similar features/traits as your mom.

I can't agree with this statement. Here's why... .She had the maturity of a three year old... I am mature. I have a personality that draws me to these needy people. What I believe from my own observation of myself, is that I am drawn to the emotional maturity level that suits my own codependency.

i think both of these opinions/theories can be true, yes? 

i also believe that everything in the universe has a vibrational level(s), including people.  i believe we are drawn to matching and/or complimentary frequencies.  i think we can feel/sense that before we even TALK to someone.

i believe that, in an ideal world under optimal conditions, the pwBPD and the other (whether a Non, or a Narcissist, co-dependent, etc) has what the other needs and if we could find a way to communicate well (ie, validating, not invalidating), and co-operate, we could both learn a lot and grow exponentially.  i believe i caught a glimpse of that with my xBPDgf, she taught me a lot and vice versa, but alas she was in such a downward spiral w/alcohol (having a breakdown really, i think) that nothing could stop it except being locked up.  PS i am NOT encouraging anyone to stay in their r/s!  i simply saw that, at least in my case, it COULD have been an extremely beneficial union... .  what it ended up being was so destructive.  like fire, it can cook your food and keep you warm or it can incinerate you.