I hate myself today

[LilMissSunshine]

I really do.  Thought I was doing kinda okay.  Like some, I've mostly just done a ton of sleeping the last few weeks.  Keeping myself isolated I guess.  Not really sure why.  Decided to finally interact with family (who have no idea what I've gone through - I'm too embarrassed to tell them) today.  Disaster.  I was snappy and mean to everyone.  No matter what anyone said - about any topic - I was rude and inconsiderate with my reply.  I KNEW what I was doing and I purposely tried to hurt their feelings, which they do not deserve.  Combined with all the projection and devaluing from my X, I'm scared sh_tless that I'm turning into him.  At the very least acting as a vessel for his disorder.  Why the hell am I doing this?  I'm not sure but I think I actually had a panic attack (in private) or something afterwards.  I usually don't self medicate but just made a strong drink to calm myself down, which I know is not healthy.  This is not me and what I did today is confusing the hell out of me.  I really thought I had it together more than this. ?   :'(

[Undone123]

Please go easy on yourself... . 

[BuildingFromScratch]

I don't know much about your circumstance but it's important that you practice self acceptance as best you can. Even though accepting things like being rude to people may seem difficult, it will actually allow you to do it less. Judging yourself harshly is just going to cause more stressful, erratic behavior. You are having a hard time, it's understandable, people will forget and forgive, no worries.

[necchi]

Lillmiss... .You are allowed to be edgy when you are not feeling well,give yourself the opportunity to vent off, if necessary and by good mesure just express to those around you that you fell " edgy,sad,irritable" you don't have to explain.Sometime we don't want to explain, keeping swallowing the tears, or just mime it. And if not just be who you are at that moment. If people cant cope with this and be emphatic, well tough luck. Try remembering the reason you fell this way, you can try to chase those thoughts away but try to just be in the moment. It hurts and i truly understand your fear, believe me i so much feel you. Its a selfish disorder, and so is your therapy. Allow yourself to be selfish, don't feel responsible for it (don't go over board either

[necchi]

I don't know why but a small part of what i wrote didn't post ?

anyhow we were happy somewhere before them and they didn't take that away, it is still here, hidding but it is at our reach!  Xx

[fromheeltoheal]

I did that with family too.  After processing a little it became clear that I was not in a good place, everyone knew it, and being everyone's "project" was just too much, especially when everyone had their own take on how to 'fix' me.  Not only did I not want to hear from a bunch of people who don't understand, it was overwhelming and I felt vulnerable, so I just attacked.  Afterwards everything made sense and I admitted to myself that I behaved badly, but I knew why.

So what to do?  That was a while ago, and I've reconnected with each person individually and made peace, not much peace to make really, just reconnecting.  That was easier since I didn't feel ganged up on and time has passed so I'm more detached.

The most important thing to do is dig and discover you true motivations; don't lie to yourself.  If you need to apologize to someone or whatever, that will come and it's not the end of the world, but be true to yourself.  Take care of you!

[DragoN]

Keeping myself isolated I guess.  Not really sure why.  Decided to finally interact with family (who have no idea what I've gone through - I'm too embarrassed to tell them) today.  Disaster!  I was snappy and mean to everyone.  No matter what anyone said - about any topic - I was rude and inconsiderate with my reply.  I KNEW what I was doing and I purposely tried to hurt their feelings, which they do not deserve.  Combined with all the projection and devaluing from my X, I'm scared sh_tless that I'm turning into him.  At the very least acting as a vessel for his disorder.  Why the hell am I doing this?

Think of it as off gassing. You were down deep in the PD gas fest getting narced, it's a different tinker bell world. As you come up, you need to take time to off gas or you will blow your blood vessels and lungs, brains. It's rough. Slowly but surely. You're human, you bugger up, own it and apologize. We don't get special passes for being jerks either because of our lousy choices in partners. Hope friends will forgive, they may not, up to them.

[LilMissSunshine]

I suppose you guys are right.  IDK.  I went from a healthy, happy, well respected woman to a pathetic, abused, used, manipulated, loser.  Married for twenty years, divorced and after several years of being on my own, met my uexBPDbf.  Was with him for 5 1/2 years - the first two were heaven, then BOOM.  Took me 3 1/2 years of extreme physical, verbal and emotional abuse to "figure" out what was wrong.  He's in big time denial, the projection is unbearable.  To make matters worse, my former spouse passed away six months ago (rather suddenly).  We had made our peace years ago and had a civil relationship so I was devastated.  Our children are young adults, 24, 22 and 19.  Since their father's death I have been their "punching bag" for some reason, as well.   I've put up with it and kept it all in.  I guess it really is no surprise that I finally "exploded".  Nonetheless, I'm ashamed of myself.

[Changingman]

I suppose you guys are right.  IDK.  I went from a healthy, happy, well respected woman to a pathetic, abused, used, manipulated, loser.  Married for twenty years, divorced and after several years of being on my own, met my uexBPDbf.  Was with him for 5 1/2 years - the first two were heaven, then BOOM!  Took me 3 1/2 years of extreme physical, verbal and emotional abuse to "figure" out what was wrong.  He's in big time denial, the projection is unbearable.  To make matters worse, my former spouse passed away six months ago (rather suddenly).  We had made our peace years ago and had a civil relationship so I was devastated.  Our children are young adults, 24, 22 and 19.  Since their father's death I have been their "punching bag" for some reason, as well.   I've put up with it and kept it all in.  I guess it really is no surprise that I finally "exploded".  Nonetheless, I'm ashamed of myself.

Not sure how I feel about this post? Bit confusing.

Need time to get their poison out of you. Why are your kids angry?

[LilMissSunshine]

Confusing as hell.  A friend suggested the reason my children were treating me poorly right now was because they were afraid.  The trauma of their father passing away, literally in their arms, was too much.  She thought perhaps they were pushing me away in order to avoid closeness.  Losing another parent would push them over the edge if they cared too much.  IDK.  Anyway, I'm giving them the time and space they need and don't engage if they happen to say something hurtful (I know deep down inside they don't mean it).  I understand what they've been through.  At the same time I'm getting overwhelmed.  Dealing with this on top of detaching from a pwBPD and all that goes with it is exhausting.

[necchi]

Hello lillmiss... .Yes it is real confusing ! 3 adult children are mistreating you ? Please shed light on this ... .

[Aussie0zborn]

It sounds like your children are doing what you did to your family. Do you see a similarity there? Does this shed some light on their current behaviour?

[Surnia]

Hi LilmissSunshine

you went through a very difficult relationship. I just read your first post. You had to suffer a lot and he got even physical. And I am sorry about the sudden loss of your ex-husband.

All this is really a lot. Did you ever reached out to a professional? Sometimes we need support to deal with the aftermath of violence or a loss. What do you think about?

[LilMissSunshine]

AussieOzborn - Ordinarily I would say yes.  Except I've been everyone's punching bag for so long, I think I finally "fought" back.  BS from two different circumstances and, the other day, I couldn't take it anymore.  My sisters and mom noticed the hostility from my kids imediately after their father's death.  They just keep telling me to "suck it up" and that it will pass.  Of course, no one knows about what I have been going through with my uexBPDbf (my secret shame).  Well, the other day I had no more room left in me to put the "suck", so I let it blow.  I know I did wrong and won't do it again.  But, honestly?  For a few seconds I felt great.  Now I'm freaked that I felt good, even for a short time, and wonder if that's what it feels like to be a pwBPD.  No thanks.

And Surnia... .I completely believe in T.  I had a great therapist when I went through my divorce.  However, when my former spouse passed I lost my medical insurance (he was still carrying me on his plan).  Worst of all, thanks to my uexBPDbf, I'm unemployed right now... .used to manage his office.  I think many family support groups are free but I can't seem to find any groups that "physically" meet in my area.  This board is my savoir right now.  I did research, read articles and posts for a long time before deciding to join.

[Surnia]

Wow, Breslin

So many things came together... .we are here for you too.

Honestly, I am a bit worried you are slipping in depression, that why I asked.

Little step, be gentle with yourself. Do you have some good friends?

[LilMissSunshine]

Surnia, I have several close, close friends.  Funny.  I was always the strong one.  People came to me for help and advice - a shoulder to cry on.  I was their "role model".  Looked up to for my ability to handle whatever life threw at me with grace and sensibility.  Then enters my uexBPDbf.  Although he tried alienating me from my friends I secretly kept up my relationship with them.  I'm not ready to completely confide with them yet, but at least I'm thinking that the time is coming soon.  Maybe after the holiday's.  I don't think it's fair of me to get them worried about me this time of year.  Thanks to people like you, and as long as I can come here - to the board - I'll be okay for now.

[necchi]

I'm not ready to completely confide with them yet, but at least I'm thinking that the time is coming soon.  

If they are close friends, maybe it would be responsible of you to make yourself unavailable emotionally by sharing you're shortcomings.

This can be looked like a pity act , you wait, then they ask why have you waited,than you go"well i didn't want to worry you... .blabla"

this might make them feel even more sorry " damn, here i was partying, having fun and she was alone in her thoughts, hurting... .i should of been there... ."

See were I'm going ?... .

[Surnia]

Surnia, I have several close, close friends. 

This could be a plan for 2014   , to be a bit more open with your friends what happened.

For me in my shattered marriage this was a important step communicating it to close friends. It felt first strange and than it was a huge relief and helped.

[LilMissSunshine]

oo... .the last thing I want is pity.  I feel EXTREMELY uncomfortable with that.  In fact, that's one reason why I'd rather wait until after the holiday's.  I see where your going, but no.  I hope to be in touch with my friends (if I can get some energy up) over the holidays but I can't bring anything "deep" up yet.  Thanks for pointing it out though, marinro7.  And Surnia I too opened up to my close friends when I went through my divorce.  I know these same people will help me through this crisis as well.  Thank you both.