Ex calls out of the blue 6 months later

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I didn't think I would ever hear from her again. She called me from a new number, so I was thinking maybe, she was just calling so I would have her new number, that is why I answered, I didn't recognize the number. She just seem to be playing games right now, she did make it a point to tell me, she had wanted to call me at times, but couldn't find my number, and she just found it, I didn't say anything, but I'm thinking wow, a number you dialed everyday, it hasn't changed, you really didn't know it, then she said I'll call you back, of course I have not heard from her again. She ask me a question, in the middle of me answering, she say I'll call you back, she calls back about 10 minutes later, we talk for about 15 minutes, she say I'll call you back, and I haven't heard from her. If she call again, I am going to ask her to refrain from calling me, I don't know why she feels the urge to play games, six months later. She told me not to contact her again in May, a month later she calls, a how are you call, I feel into the trick bag at that point, a week after that call I did send her a text saying happy 4th, no response, so haven't tried again. It's almost like she calls me act as if everything is fine, just to get me to give her a call or text, so she can ignore it. I really just want to get her face to face, and ask her What the ###$ did I ever do to you? This was all your doing, you ended, you asked me not to contact you, I haven't, and you still want to play games. Man, I wished I missed that call, because now it's like, the past 6 months have rewinded, and I need to start all over, not exactly, but now she is just on my mind more than I would like, which sucks, because I know I'm probably not on hers. Maybe she has a boyfriend, and he came home, so she had to go, at least my theory. I know her and she wasn't saying a whole lot on the phone, she act like she wanted to say something to me, but didn't know how. I'm just confused on if there is some ulterior motive, or she just wanted to say hi

[eclectic]

I didn't think I would ever hear from her again. She called me from a new number, so I was thinking maybe, she was just calling so I would have her new number, that is why I answered, I didn't recognize the number. She just seem to be playing games right now, she did make it a point to tell me, she had wanted to call me at times, but couldn't find my number, and she just found it, I didn't say anything, but I'm thinking wow, a number you dialed everyday, it hasn't changed, you really didn't know it, then she said I'll call you back, of course I have not heard from her again. She ask me a question, in the middle of me answering, she say I'll call you back, she calls back about 10 minutes later, we talk for about 15 minutes, she say I'll call you back, and I haven't heard from her. If she call again, I am going to ask her to refrain from calling me, I don't know why she feels the urge to play games, six months later. She told me not to contact her again in May, a month later she calls, a how are you call, I feel into the trick bag at that point, a week after that call I did send her a text saying happy 4th, no response, so haven't tried again. It's almost like she calls me act as if everything is fine, just to get me to give her a call or text, so she can ignore it. I really just want to get her face to face, and ask her What the ###$ did I ever do to you? This was all your doing, you ended, you asked me not to contact you, I haven't, and you still want to play games. Man, I wished I missed that call, because now it's like, the past 6 months have rewinded, and I need to start all over, not exactly, but now she is just on my mind more than I would like, which sucks, because I know I'm probably not on hers. Maybe she has a boyfriend, and he came home, so she had to go, at least my theory. I know her and she wasn't saying a whole lot on the phone, she act like she wanted to say something to me, but didn't know how. I'm just confused on if there is some ulterior motive, or she just wanted to say hi

[necchi]

She is testing the water, maybe to lure you with a new approach or to see the type of welcome you are capable of offering, or to see if you are hurting and if not she will give you your dose so you do... .maybe ?

For now don't try to understand, their twisted mind will amazed you !

If its n/c you are looking for, well next time don't answer,let the box take the message. Someone told me not to long ago... .: when you take your garbage to the curb, LEAVE THEM THERE!

[eclectic]

Funny thing is she did just call again, I didn't answer.  Does any 1 have experience with this, do they start digging in more, that is what I heard, I ignore her, I really think she was expecting me to call her back yesterday or today, and since I hadn't she called back. It sucks, because I hate for us to have to be this way towards one another, because I still do care for her, I would like to have a conversation with her but just feel it wouldn't be good, so many things I would like to ask her.

[momtara]

Maybe you need a conversation to feel ok, or have some closure, or answers, but she could hang up as soon as things get tense.  You could always tell her if she wants to talk to you, you could meet briefly in person, and not engage her on the phone.  Unless you think she's the type to say you hit her or something.  Boy, what a frustrating situation,.

[eclectic]

We are in different states, so phone is it, if we were face to face, she is not the type to say I did anything to her, she is just the type to shut down, and walk away or hang up, if she is not hearing what she wants to hear, she is a silent treatment type, when we were together it is so frustrating for someone to be upset with you, and you ask them if you can talk, and you just get the silent treatment, which gets me more angry, or just taking responsibility for something, to get her talking again.  The crazy thing if I do answer one of her calls, the first thing she will ask, why didn't I call her back, and will act like this is not our second time talking in 6 months.

[eclectic]

I did see her on facebook, wearing a chain with a locket I had made for her, that I had engraved on the back, after looking at her facebook, after her calling me, when she ended she told me she threw it away, I don't know why she had so much venom towards me, she did just lose a family member, that was her reason for wanting to end it.

[necchi]

You just wrote what would probably happen!

I have tons of experience with this, problem is ,it is never consistent it could go many ways, if i was able to predict into the future, i wouldn't be here my friend!

[zkirtz]

I have that as well, even though I did not speak to him since August. I guess it is testing. A few weeks ago I got angry mails that I did not reply to. And now I get sweet mails that I do not reply to.

I am wondering how much out of their blue it is.

I guess it is best not ask to not call. Best ask nothing and not respond. Any response is showing them you have feelings left. Do not think too much of it. I am guessing they don't either.

[eclectic]

You just wrote what would probably happen!

I have tons of experience with this, problem is ,it is never consistent it could go many ways, if i was able to predict into the future, i wouldn't be here my friend!

In your experience did they usually want something, or just trying to recycle! I really want to know why, I'm wandering if a relationship or something just ended, I don't know whether or not she was in one, but that is all I can think of for the call now

[eclectic]

I have that as well, even though I did not speak to him since August. I guess it is testing. A few weeks ago I got angry mails that I did not reply to. And now I get sweet mails that I do not reply to.

I am wondering how much out of their blue it is.

I guess it is best not ask to not call. Best ask nothing and not respond. Any response is showing them you have feelings left. Do not think too much of it. I am guessing they don't either.

Do you still care about him, because I still care about her, and it hurts me not to respond, but i know it's probably best

[Perfidy]

You gotta figure out what you want my friend. If indeed what you stated about not wanting her to bother you is true... Communicate that to her. Ask her to respect it. Like a moth to a flame... .

[necchi]

Yep perfidy's right!

we all been in your shoes and i regularly have the same desire an try to analyze the outcome. For sure it will be something that SHE Wants. Honestly  if you are waiting for closure or her to come clean, well don't hold your breath. Sorry but we won't lie to you but here you will get support no magical thinking. I still get this often but in comming closer to acceptance. Less is more !  It takes time

[GreenMango]

Eclectic it could be several things for why she contacted you.  People with BPD have poor emotional control so impulsive actions aren't uncommon.  Like in she thought of you and missed you then called without thinking about why she was calling or what she wanted.  She may have had a fight with her boyfriend.  Lots of possibilities.

What perfidy wrote about what you need or want and letting that be your guide is the road to certainty.

I'm a proponent of assertive communication when you get to this point and expressing what you want and what you are going to do.  The other person may not honor it but at least you've been respectful in saying that you won't be contacting them and not exacerbating someone's abandonment fears needlessly. 

Which way from here?

[Waifed]

If you are feeling butterflies after just talking with her just think what a recycle will do to you. It is so hard fighting an addiction. Also keep in mind that recycles usually get shorter and shorter and BPD relationships don't last. With all that being said, you have to do what you want to do. Good luck to you.

[Ironmanrises]

I didn't think I would ever hear from her again.

How many of us on here have thought this very paradoxical statement? And presto, the Janus-faced entity returns and shows the original face. The one we fell for. The very scary and utterly detestable reason that the pwBPD has returned; a need arises, and she thinks that you will address that need. Once the need has passed, so do you in every sense of the word. The very word "need" was commonplace in my exUBPDgf's vocabulary. I never paid attention to that word until after she left me the first time and then returned for round 2. Now, that word I no longer view as any other. Hang in there.

[eclectic]

She has started calling me, I know she will continue to call until I answer, she won't leave a message.  The most screwed up thing about this, is how literally telling me she love me the day before she ended it, and then calling me the next day telling me, I need to have a seat, as she proceed to tell me this isn't working, and she can't do it anymore, leaving me dumbfounded, telling me to never contact her again, I felt like my heart had been stomped on.  After all that she put me through, I am sitting her feeling bad for her, because I am ignoring her calls, thinking I am being to hard on her, wow!

[necchi]

Focus here ! Helllo ? It is not about her anymore, its about you ! Look at you feeling sorry for her ! What about you ? Does she care about you ! No , and the answer will never be other than NO ! Its all about HER needs not yours!

So please make this about YOU

[happylogist]

I am wondering how much out of their blue it is.

I guess it is best not ask to not call. Best ask nothing and not respond. Any response is showing them you have feelings left. Do not think too much of it. I am guessing they don't either.

I was about to write the same! My uBPD had a habit of writing to his exes in bulks When needing validation probably, expecting them to say that they have feelings for him, not hating him, he was forgiven and they still loved him.  He was the one to go to nc normally after some time, what I see that his manipulation worked. After contacting his exes and having intense talks and then going nc for some reasons and then again emerging, he was conditioning his exes to expect a call/email from him. Then after a long break without getting anything from him, they often would be the first to reestablish contact with them, for example sending seasonal greetings or happy birthday. And the circle was there again.

[zkirtz]

Dear ecclectic, your reaction #15 is again so recognizable. First you realize you still love them, then you are angry that they make you feel this way after all the things youve done! After everything they have said and done!

For me the next stage was to ask myself why I still loved Y despite all that happened.

Not to say that this worked for me, I've had no contact since september and now I received early valentine mails, very brief saying r*ther desperate "i still love youuuuuuuuu" Do not think to much of my mails. Gmail puts them underneath the similar messages from december that read " i haaaate youuuuu"

No contact ok, but what if he think s of paying an unexpected visit? But I really think it is also in his best interest if I do not speak to him again now. Someone so incapable of relationships should be able to forget about trying.

[ynguns2]

I am dreading the day my ex calls me back. I know she will and the only reason she has not yet is because of a court ordered no-contact order.

I would say she is testing the waters and as hard as it is to not want to talk to her it's probably a good idea not too.

These people are masters at manipulation and they know what they are doing. The minute she gets you back it soothes her loneliness and she can have you on the back burner.

i know this game all too well and as much as I still think of my ex I know thatnever talking to her or seeing her again is the right choice.


Good luck and stay strong.

[node4]

Think of a pill box. Each one of the pills in the box, is a person... . or object... . from their past. Each one of those "pills" or people made them feel a certain way, or provided them with something that they need.

So when the crap hits the fan, they go to their people pill box, and say which one of this pills (people) will make me feel better in my current drama? And then bam your pill gets pulled, and there you are on a phone call... . having no idea, whats going to happen next... . we are things to them, we are not people with feelings.

[zkirtz]

I am dreading the day my ex calls me back.

On the verge of being repetitive, this is again so recognizable.


I am dreading continuously. I am fearing so much. I barricaded the door for the past half year because I thought he might drop by, smash in the door and kill me. I sometimes put a knife next to my bed just in case I woke up being strangled. But I only got well, a handful of mails and they get shorter and shorter. I guess my fears are psychological and whenever I bring it up, I get the advise to talk to a psych. The thing is, I know it is irrational. I don't see what good it would do to talk to someone other than myself.

Anyway, in your case... .

There is really some truth in the thought that you only have to fear fear. A Dutch saying says that very well: Man suffers most from the suffering he fears.

She's writing may be one mail and you are fearing this for days, may be weeks or even longer. What good does fearing do? Live by the day, she did not call you now. Take another phone. Think about it, what would happen if she would call and you would not reply? Take precautions if necessary, but don't feel bad now! Count the happy days she left you alone! You are the master of your own universe.

[LA4610]

block her old and new number and delete her number. block her from social media too. problem solved. it took me awhile to do that, but once i did i started to feel better. are you ready to do that or are you still holding on?

[Waifed]

Think of a pill box. Each one of the pills in the box, is a person... . or object... . from their past. Each one of those "pills" or people made them feel a certain way, or provided them with something that they need.

So when the crap hits the fan, they go to their people pill box, and say which one of this pills (people) will make me feel better in my current drama? And then bam your pill gets pulled, and there you are on a phone call... . having no idea, whats going to happen next... . we are things to them, we are not people with feelings.

I don't think the "Waifed" pill will soothe her to much. Maybe she will let it expire.