His stories getting loonger

[SweetCharlotte]

As I write this I am on the phone with my LD uBPDh. He has no idea because he is going on and on and on. It is his fourth lengthy anecdote of the conversation. First, he regaled me with Peter O'Toole's drunken exploits. Then it was a play-by-play of an incident that happened years ago (a field trip that went terribly wrong).

Now it's the fifth anecdote. Each time I change the subject, it reminds him of another story and his narrative begins anew. Or, if I try to interject a story of my own (something that happened to me last night, to bring him up to speed on my life), he criticizes me for even thinking it noteworthy.

Of course, dysregulation/ire is just a step away if I ask him to cool it the wrong way, conclude the conversation abruptly (as I did just now—he was a bit puzzled but not enraged) or call his attention to his drowning me out and not communicating. How do people handle this? It's relatively minor issue but such a daily one.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[starshine]

Mine was king of the long stories too, that were irrelevant and at times inappropriate.  Sometimes I would just cut him off.  He dumped me, and I didn't chase after him and my replacement, so he's telling loong booring stories (over and over) to my replacement's replacement.  One of the neighbors once asked me, ":)id you ever interrupt him?" 

Is it easier to listen to him blather on or prompt discord?

Good luck.

[waverider]

If you were interested enough in the story to engage in it, for example by asking relevant questions, rather than just waiting it out, would he allow you to? Sometimes they are just filling the space you give them. They also want a reaction, embellishments are just upping the anti in trying to sell you the tale.

After they have put a big effort in and you effectively call a stop it is like the proverbial "but", it just invalidates everything they have just said as being dismissed.

Has anyone successfully engaged their partners on the subject then diplomatically led it elsewhere? I know it is hard, and I struggle to pay attention. It would be interesting if hear if anyone has mastered this and can share some tips

[efarns]

Oh, man, I hate it when mine starts telling me about the movie she just saw.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

This is one subject I have to laugh about, even though it frustrates me too.

The stories I hear are the same ones over and over again, and sometimes I find my mind straying to an advertisement on Television, where a Lady is watching TV (with her Parrot on a perch beside her chair).

Within seconds the telephone rings, and on the other end must be someone who bores the Lady to tears, (and who obviously goes on and on and on), so because the Lady is really wrapped up in seeing her program, she gives the phone to her Parrot, who starts saying, "Oh I knoow, and OOH, and Yes, Yes, etc"

The ad is hilarious, and whenever BP is droning on, lecturing me, bombarding me with his insistent opinions, views etc, on every single aspect of my life, I think of this ad, and smile secretly to myself... .

Heh Heh Heh Heh Heh

[briefcase]

Of course, dysregulation/ire is just a step away if I ask him to cool it the wrong way, conclude the conversation abruptly (as I did just now—he was a bit puzzled but not enraged) or call his attention to his drowning me out and not communicating. How do people handle this? It's relatively minor issue but such a daily one.

Our mission is not to avoid their dysregulation or anger at all costs.  It's to communicate in ways that avoid unnecessary triggers and, when they do get triggered, to keep it in context and not escalate along with them. 

Dysregulation and wild emotional swings are par for the course in these relationships.  It will happen.  And, that's ok so long as we keep good boundaries and don't allow ourselves to be abused in any way.

With that said, we also need to pick our battles.  Is this something that is endangering the relationship?  Or just an annoyance?

If this isn't something you can't live with, you may need to be more assertive in your conversations and make sure you have a voice too.  Maybe better conversational boundaries around being interrupted or having your topic changed before you are finished. 

Have you talked to him at all about this?  If so, does he acknowledge any problems?

 

[SweetCharlotte]

Yes, briefcase (and thank you, all respondents), I've spoken to him about this during the course of our four and a half years together. His reaction completely depends on his mood. If he is in a good mood, he is very jovial about it. He may imitate himself or imitate me enduring the boredom. When in a good mood, he is very empathetic and enjoys giving voice to what he imagines to be my thoughts: "For the love of God, when will he SHUT UP!", etc.

What the jokes mask is that everything must come out of his mouth, even MY thoughts and opinions! I signed on for it. I didn't object on the first date when he droned on and on, only stopping to ask me a question once in a while, listening to my response for a well-timed interval, then going right back to his monologue.

If in a bad mood, he uses my objection to cut off the conversation and sign off, sometimes stonewalling me afterward.

Not a major issue, but an almost daily annoyance. Radical acceptance, validation-plus-change-the-subject, voicing an objection when he seems receptive to that. These are all strategies I can continue to employ. And maybe I SHOULD get that parrot, rollercoaster. I actually do love all birds and have thought about getting something in the hookbill family, like a cockatoo. I guess that's what attracted me to my vocalizing uBPDh.

[an0ught]

Hi SweetCharlotte,

I still remember similar situations (with the added twist of high international call charges) and feeling helpless to stop it. Was not able to stop it then . Don't think I would tolerate it today.

Not a major issue, but an almost daily annoyance. Radical acceptance, validation-plus-change-the-subject, voicing an objection when he seems receptive to that. These are all strategies I can continue to employ. And maybe I SHOULD get that parrot, rollercoaster. I actually do love all birds and have thought about getting something in the hookbill family, like a cockatoo. I guess that's what attracted me to my vocalizing uBPDh.

Sensible coping strategies. However this is also question of respect and boundaries. He is not respecting you and you let him disrespect yourself. Your time and attention has value which is squandered. Nothing good comes out of that in the long run. Even in the short run you are simply buying peace and he is getting shallow validation.

This is imho a major issue as boundaries is where people meet. Where people are perceived, accepted and rejected. Where relationships are shaped.

Would it make sense to limit the time he gets to blurt?

Would it make sense to push back with own stuff you want to share? Do you know why you let him take the full stage all the time? Are you afraid of sharing for fear of triggering him?

[committed]

I don't try to confront the issue because I know he will take it the wrong way and will hurt him. In most cases it seems as though he is trying to impress me with his stories. I wait until he get to the end of one of his stories (knowing that it will go straight into another one) and jump up, saying "I'm sorry, hon, but I really gotta go pee!" and run into the bathroom. If I stay in there long enough, he'll usually get his mind on something else and then when I come out, I go to another part of the house and do something else.

I know that is not solving the issue, but it helps me keep my sanity and avoid the battle.

[Bulgakov]

Mine:

"Work, work, work, work, work, work, work, work... .

work work work work

workworkworkwork... ."

Usually in a slightly abrasive tone with jerky confrontational hand gestures and facial expressions, about her incompetent coworkers. As true as many of these stories might be it makes me nervous because it triggers my "feelings of an oncoming rage situation" which just makes me unbearable to her. She has woken me  from sleep to do this before. Also at times when we should just be having a good time. She says she really likes it when she can just be quiet and comfortable around someone. This could not be further from the truth from what I have seen.

[LifeIsBeautiful]

I tried not to watch the clock, and replayed stuff in my head (a football game, book I read, movie I saw). One day my SO told me she had spoken enough and it was my turn to speak. My mind just went blank and I told her about my work day and it wasn't pleasant afterwards. This is a serious problem and it's happening almost daily, as I realized I didn't have anything that I could share that interested her.