He said he wants someone just like me but without the fighting and problems

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I talked to his mom. My ex told her he wants to find someone just like me but without having all the issues. He thinks I was the problem. And maybe I was? My mind is a mess. She told me he has been cruel and angry with her since he moved in with her when he left me. She asked him if he thought he would just carry the same problems into a new relationship and he said no. He doesn't think he needs therapy and he doesn't think he's the problem. He told her he loves me but he isn't in love with me. I feel like I'm walking in a nightmare, I just can't seem to accept that the last 8 years were for nothing and that it's over. I mean I have logic.I know it's not healthy what we have been doing. But does it really have to be over? I mean why so black or white?

[Supernova9star]

I talked to his mom. My ex told her he wants to find someone just like me but without having all the issues. He thinks I was the problem. And maybe I was? My mind is a mess. She told me he has been cruel and angry with her since he moved in with her when he left me. She asked him if he thought he would just carry the same problems into a new relationship and he said no. He doesn't think he needs therapy and he doesn't think he's the problem. He told her he loves me but he isn't in love with me. I feel like I'm walking in a nightmare, I just can't seem to accept that the last 8 years were for nothing and that it's over. I mean I have logic.I know it's not healthy what we have been doing. But does it really have to be over? I mean why so black or white?

[necchi]

It's in them, it's them we don't need all this betrayal, we don't deserve it at all but it has been set up on us. I feel your pain, but this is part of your own healing. now the why of all this is the disorder. You must not let yourself down on this, detatch from the crazymaking, face what you must go through  to get well... .answer's will come eventually and then they might not realy matter to you

xx

[PrettyPlease]

Hi Supernova9star,

But does it really have to be over? I mean why so black or white?

Those are two different questions. Taking the second one first: Black and white is Splitting, and it's a core trait of the mental disorder that is BPD. "Why" the mental disorder has Splitting isn't something this site focuses on much because research scientists are trying to figure that out; I doubt if we'll get there first. All we can do in the meantime is focus on the trait itself -- acknowledge that it exists, and learn how to act accordingly. How we ourselves act can make a difference, but mostly to ourself, how we feel; we can rarely change how they (pwBPD) act, at least not directly.

The first question "does it really have to be over?" sounds like you're asking a higher power to intervene. But each relationship is unique, and a function of the two people (and their extended families/friends). Some BPD relationships continue (see the Staying) board, some don't. You've posted this on the Leaving board. Is this the right board for it? Is it over? And you just don't want to accept that? Or is it maybe not over? Is there evidence that it's not?

This may sound harsh; I apologize if so; it's only meant to try to help clarify where you might best apply your efforts. It's clear that you are in serious distress--do you have a therapist you can talk these things over with? That can be a very good way to get over the roughest patches.

PP

[TakingWingAtLast]

Supernova9,

I, too, was in a relationship for 8 years.  And yes, I was also in denial about it as well.   But pwBPD don't have the same ideas about love and time that you and I do.  That's the illness rearing it's ugly little head!  

So, we suffer.   For we have the capacity to mourn our losses.  They do not.  They move ahead as if it never existed.   And in fact, in a weird way, it may not have existed in the same way that we though it did.   And that's why it seems so very painful   And the betrayal is what we feel when it really is that they do not seem to even get that there was a betrayal.  In fact, in their mind, YOU betrayed them.   That's  because you abandoned them!   Even if you got dumped abruptly, we are the ones who abandoned them.   We are the ones to blame, because we are supposed so flawed that they had to let us go.    This comes through so clearly through all the subsequent text messages I've received that it makes so much sense.  

So, it's NOT you.   Don't take ownership of this particular dynamic in the brain of a pwBPD.   They hurt you because it's the nature of the illness that dictates their behavior.  

Yes, it feels bad.  Yes, you have to work through the loss and pain.  But you have the capacity to care greatly.  That is OUR strength as Nons.   It just being applied to the wrong person, the pwBPD.  Change that now!   Care for you instead.  It may seem selfish, but it is NOT.   It's time for you to be the person to be taken care of.  

I wish you well.  And yes, to answer your questions, it HAS to be over.

All my very best,

D

I talked to his mom. My ex told her he wants to find someone just like me but without having all the issues. He thinks I was the problem. And maybe I was? My mind is a mess. She told me he has been cruel and angry with her since he moved in with her when he left me. She asked him if he thought he would just carry the same problems into a new relationship and he said no. He doesn't think he needs therapy and he doesn't think he's the problem. He told her he loves me but he isn't in love with me. I feel like I'm walking in a nightmare, I just can't seem to accept that the last 8 years were for nothing and that it's over. I mean I have logic.I know it's not healthy what we have been doing. But does it really have to be over? I mean why so black or white?