Denial - he is living in a different world

[Monarch Butterfly]

I´ve told my uBPDh I´m done with this marriage. I´m through - I´ve had enough.

I am a STHM so he has control over everything: finances, friends, job, car, house, and any other thing I could possibly own or have. He has pushed my away from all friends, family, possibility of employment, etc.

He accepted our separation for a few days and got really possessive and depressed. But then one morning he woke up with a smile. He is in this imaginary world where everything is perfect, and I'm just in a down phase. He refuses to talk about our separation, and since I´m financially tied to him until I get a job, and unfortunately, still living under the same roof (until I can move out) he refuse to accept my decision.

He still tries to hold my hand. He still calls me "love of my life" and he says that things will get better. He started going to church and said that God can do anything. I'm not going to discuss religion here, but I am worried that faith will get in the way of him seeing reality. He's expecting a miracle.  He's making long term plans - take the kids to disney in 2015 and so on.

I'm scared he's climbing this ladder of denial so high that when he does realize what I'm saying, he'll break in the fall. Is this all part of a cycle of dealing with pain: fear, anger, denial, and finally acceptance? How long does it last? What do I have to do so he'll get the point? Or should I just leave it alone work on my part of getting out physically? All my exit options are not short - I have to find a house, get a job, well, at least a good one where I can pay for 2 kids and me... .So I don't see myself leaving in the next year. URGH!

I hate how he treated me all these 17 years, but I also hate too see what he's doing to himself. Do I try to work in reality slowly, or just leave him alone and watch humpty dumpty fall?  If only I didnt care... .

[necchi]

I will give you my opinion and you do whatever with it.

I understand you are in a hard place right now. First you have to make this about you otherwise ,sorry to say but its useless to just think about. FYI, YOU = Yourself and children

this is were magical thinking becomes a healthy copping skill... .

work on you making it out sane and well this belongs to you. Limit pity over him it doesn't belong to you. Work on being financially independant, and this include any child support or monetary support he provide for, IT is not is anymore, it is yours .

take time to focus on YOU, now give yourself the right to be selfish if your mind starts wondering towards is issues, go back to your monthly budget list, there might be an error. Detatch, se yourself there, happy!

[Monarch Butterfly]

Thank you marinro7 - you are totally right. I have to use the little energy I have to focus on what's important!

[necchi]

Voilà!

And be mindfull that you need regular feedback.

Ask for help when needed, discard any relation that you feel is poison to you.

[ts919]

MB - my uBPDw is in a major denial phase as well.  It's tough, I know   I have filed for divorce, we've had one court date already... .and she still is making future plans as if this isn't really happening.  It's very hard... .but I keep reminding myself that not only is it denial, it's also a form of manipulation - by making future plans, I'm now going to be the "bad guy" that causes them to not happen because I am divorcing her.  It's all designed to make me feel guilty and to get me to stay.  She is currently self destructing with pills and booze; it worries me but I keep reminding myself that these are her decisions and it is NOT my job to jump in a save her.  "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different

results." 

I'm not having it anymore.

You shouldn't either! 

[necchi]

Ta919 great to see you are able to steer clear from what is not " yours"

Its hard to take a step forward when all theses emotions and feelings overwhelms us but we must realise that this first step is all that it's needed ,once we do we come to realise our own shortcomings and take a closer look at ourselves me,me,me

selfishness comes in two measure: healthy= keeping boundaries for our own sake,not feeling sorry because someone is hurt, mad at us for respecting our values.

Unhealthy =lacking empathy, using other to satisfy OUR need - this is so BPD

good work ! We are so good !