Do you sometimes just think?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Do you ever just think?

Where the hell did all these insecurities and issues come from?

I remember only a few years ago when I could go through life without ever having to block out memory's here and there and feeling those pangs of pain and repressed hurt when something to do with an ex gets brought up, or any silly association came up.

I for one am sick, sick, sick and tired of having to walk a tightrope through life to try not to be hurt!

I feel like I need to just shed a whole horrible and uncomfortable skin and feel fresh and light again.

For example, I was round a friends the other night and we and a few other people were having a few social drinks when half way into the evening I met a couple of new people that had turned up to party, including a girl.

This girl was very attractive and in all honestly not far from what I would call my type of girl.

Anyway, within 30 seconds of meeting this girl I felt a series of nasty emotions and negative energies in me, no confidence, absolute self doubt etc then it hit me... rewind 3 or so years ago and I would have been uber confident, chatty etc.

Don't get me wrong In no way or little way should I say am I really upset or down about meeting this girl but what did upset me was the fact I saw a stark change from my youth- it was a real punch in the face moment if you like. The fact that just because I was attracted to her literally made my confidence half in a millisecond, I've never been like that and really don't want to be... .

I think this is the biggest casualty from a past abusive BPD relationship.

[Hellothere]

Do you ever just think?

Where the hell did all these insecurities and issues come from?

I remember only a few years ago when I could go through life without ever having to block out memory's here and there and feeling those pangs of pain and repressed hurt when something to do with an ex gets brought up, or any silly association came up.

I for one am sick, sick, sick and tired of having to walk a tightrope through life to try not to be hurt!

I feel like I need to just shed a whole horrible and uncomfortable skin and feel fresh and light again.

For example, I was round a friends the other night and we and a few other people were having a few social drinks when half way into the evening I met a couple of new people that had turned up to party, including a girl.

This girl was very attractive and in all honestly not far from what I would call my type of girl.

Anyway, within 30 seconds of meeting this girl I felt a series of nasty emotions and negative energies in me, no confidence, absolute self doubt etc then it hit me... rewind 3 or so years ago and I would have been uber confident, chatty etc.

Don't get me wrong In no way or little way should I say am I really upset or down about meeting this girl but what did upset me was the fact I saw a stark change from my youth- it was a real punch in the face moment if you like. The fact that just because I was attracted to her literally made my confidence half in a millisecond, I've never been like that and really don't want to be... .

I think this is the biggest casualty from a past abusive BPD relationship.

[Turkish]

Do you ever just think?

Yes, too much!

I think this is the biggest casualty from a past abusive BPD relationship.

Hellothere, have you considered therapy to help you address what seems to be something like PTSD? As my T reminds me, we don't need to pathologize everything, but these feelings that get triggered seem to be affecting the quality of your emotional life. It is really sad that a lot of we nons seem to be walking on eggshells with ourselves after our BPD relationships.

Have you had a chance to look at some of the post-break up literature and workshops here?

[Hellothere]

Thankyou for your reply Turkish. I have considered therapy for the last year since the split, although I am eager to find a BPD specialist therapist as I've heard a lot that unless they have dealt with BPD in their work history they cannot really connect with you to help you fully heal.

You are so undeniably right about nons walking on eggshells with ourselves even after the split. 

I am going to make a sold effort to really try and heal, which workshops and literature would you recommend?

[blur]

It's true what they say on here. A BPD relationship can suck the life out of you.

I've never really had a problem with talking to new people. But since I've been down BPD lane I feel awkward a lot of times. It's crazy how much control we grant them not even knowing we've done so.

[goldylamont]

Hellothere, I can relate to how you feel. I think there is perhaps a mixture of a few things going on. For me, now dating and meeting other women, I realize that I'm simply a different person. Part of the nervousness you feel meeting this new woman is completely natural and separate from your past with BPDx. When you were younger, I'm sure you perhaps got a bit nervous when talking to someone you were really attracted to, however you were probably better at managing these emotions. And I think perhaps a light case of PTSD is happening also--as in you were probably highly attracted to your BPDx but this got associated with toxic emotions so now when you really are attracted to a new person some of these feelings come up.

Good thing is that you are at least aware of this issue and able to point it out to yourself. This is a big plus b/c this means that you can now start addressing these feelings and 'practicing' by working through these emotions next time they come up.

When I met my BPDx I was very comfortable approaching/talking with women. I still feel I am today, however perhaps not quite as much as before--but for me most of this (luckily) doesn't feel as if it's due to my past with BPD. Really, I just think that

(1) I'm out of practice,  . and... .

(2) I mentally trained myself to *not* talk with and approach women because I was in a long term r/s and didn't want to jeopardize it.

When I was in a r/s, I used to joke with friends about how I would sabotage myself when talking with random women to ensure neither of us were flirting. I call this the spilling a drink on myself technique Basically, I would start talking about my gf like a total dork if I ever felt like I was having a convo with a woman and there may have been a mutual attraction. Example: say I was talking to and connecting with a woman about loving foreign films. Well, if I thought this connection could lead to flirting I'd blurt out something really obvious like "My girlfriend LOVES italian films! We watch them together all the time!"  Mentally, what I was doing was taking a drink and pouring it on myself like a dunce, as in 'do you still want to talk to my goofy self now?'. Hope this makes sense.

All of this is to say that you have to be easy on yourself because you are probably just out of practice. Dating and meeting new partners is always nerve wracking whether you are healthy or not. And also because you were probably in a r/s previously that you really wanted to work you probably did things on purpose to squelch your abilities to flirt with others (i.e. spilling a drink on yourself). So now it will take a bit of practice and re-alignment to find that confidence again. I wish you the best!

Consider each opportunity you get to talk with people you are attracted to as a gift to challenge yourself, to feel and understand your anxiousness and nervousness. What better way to reclaim your confidence than to talk with women you are really attracted to and work through your feelings?

[Undone123]

All true! I was healthy! now I don't even know who I am!

[seeking balance]

Ignorance was bliss, huh?

I have posted before on these boards - these relationships are like in the matrix where they offer the blue pill or the red pill.  Morpheus says to Neo, "You take the blue pill - the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill - you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes."

These relationships and learning about BPD and in turn our core stuff is taking the red pill, there were days that I certainly wished I didn't take that pill - but we don't get to go backwards.  We make our choices and follow through the rabbit-hole and eventually we get to the otherside.  Wiser, warn - but at peace.

[Jbt857]

When I was in a r/s, I used to joke with friends about how I would sabotage myself when talking with random women to ensure neither of us were flirting. I call this the spilling a drink on myself technique Basically, I would start talking about my gf like a total dork if I ever felt like I was having a convo with a woman and there may have been a mutual attraction. Example: say I was talking to and connecting with a woman about loving foreign films. Well, if I thought this connection could lead to flirting I'd blurt out something really obvious like "My girlfriend LOVES italian films! We watch them together all the time!"   Mentally, what I was doing was taking a drink and pouring it on myself like a dunce, as in 'do you still want to talk to my goofy self now?'. Hope this makes sense.

Goldy, what a lovely analogy. I spent the last decade being queen of 'spilling a drink on myself.' Even now, I find myself doing the same, bringing up me BPDexh. But at least now, I have a name for it!  

[myself]

Where the hell did all these insecurities and issues come from?

Good question. Do they come from when you were a child, or from when you were in the relationship? If from when a child, there is a lot more digging you can do. If it was the relationship, you can see it like you'll heal from it and move on. One affects your whole life, and one is an unfortunate set of circumstances for a shorter time. Which is this to you? Which of these two methods of pursuing change sounds more appropriate?

[amja77]

Do you really think being in a volatile relationship with a pwBPD can cause PTSD?

I've thought about this myself. I understand it's caused by experiencing a traumatic event. But, what would the symptoms be for us if it were caused by our r/s with a pwBPD? Just curious... .

[goldylamont]

Do you really think being in a volatile relationship with a pwBPD can cause PTSD?

I've thought about this myself. I understand it's caused by experiencing a traumatic event. But, what would the symptoms be for us if it were caused by our r/s with a pwBPD? Just curious... .

i think so. emotionally i got depressed, couldn't eat, had nightmares/hatemares. i'd feel better for a bit and then later could barely do more than watch movies or surf the net--hard to focus on work or other things. but, a lot of this would happen when ending any type of r/s. much of this could happen from just having a broken heart.

but one physical thing i remember is the shaking. and this only happened a couple times with me but i remember being so anxious a couple times that i would feel myself shivering a little. and this was corroborated with a female roomate/friend of my ex a year later after our breakup. the friend told me that when she saw my ex's name in a text message or on a piece of mail that she would physically shake sometimes. i think this has to do with this person knowing your insecurities and then passively (or directly) attacking them?

[necchi]

It is all i fu£ing do is think ! Why on hell are you bringing me back there ?

.   lololol!

[Turkish]

Thankyou for your reply Turkish. I have considered therapy for the last year since the split, although I am eager to find a BPD specialist therapist as I've heard a lot that unless they have dealt with BPD in their work history they cannot really connect with you to help you fully heal.

You are so undeniably right about nons walking on eggshells with ourselves even after the split. 

I am going to make a sold effort to really try and heal, which workshops and literature would you recommend?

Hi Hellothere,

I noticed that you have been on this site for a while. Have you seen the basic primer for us in understanding the split?

How a Borderline Personality Disorder Love Relationship Evolves

Do not allow others to 'rent space' in your 'head'

There is so much here, and I haven't had time to go through even 5% of it yet... .