Maybe it is all my fault

[Littleopener]

... .Just like he said. He was being distant, pushing me away. He was lying- said he was too depressed to leave the house, but actually at the cinema. He lied about having twitter when he'd conversed with me the day before.

But maybe I was too harsh when I questioned him about all this. About how he told me he loved me but didn't want a relationship. About how he could just drop me like a stone with no reason. Perhaps he really was very very depressed and the break down of the "relationship" and friendship WAS all my fault like he says. Maybe I am untrustworthy and not worthy of him seeing me any more. Maybe I did hurt him.


This haunts me. I can't stop thinking about it. Maybe it is my fault that this seemingly perfect partnership ended and he moved on to a mutual friend because maybe she is more lovely and understanding that me.

[Johan]

I came up with about 50 reasons day after day for months... .continuously questioned how I should have done things better, why I was wrong... after months I was so confused and with circular conversations, I stood back. found this site... and realized how much I was not in the wrong and to stop the what ifs and should have's and putting myself down... .and sometimes I still question maybe it was all me... .

But then I rem how I felt and how it pained. And how I would tear my hair out when trying to have a normal conversation, and always made me question myself... .until one day I said to myself... .no... .  playing with my head...

In fact it could never be always one persons fault anyway. It takes two. Be kind to yourself.

[redkong]

In my limited experience, this is part of the nature of relationships with pwBPD - you end up questioning your own behaviors, weaknesses, etc.

One thing that has really helped me to stay grounded in reality is to consider my patterns in other relationships and to check with trusted friends who really know me.  I've never experienced such a roller coaster before, and my friends assure me that I'm nothing like the accusations from my ex.  When my own perspective seems to fail me, I trust my history and my friends.

((Hugs to you))

[TakingWingAtLast]

LittleOpener,

I am so sorry that you are experiencing such a loss.  It most certainly must be painful.

Nonetheless, you are right to question his behavior.  And your harshness was born of anguish.  Of course you were harsh!  Who wouldn't be?

"About how he loved me and pushed me away" is the key here to understanding, I believe. That seems to be one of those things about pwBPD that is pervasive here!  

And that you were untrustworthy when you ARE trustworthy says a lot as well!   That makes it a devaluing event.  Another pwBPD sort of thing to say!  

The fact that you are trying to figure it out here also says that you ARE understanding!

Please stop blaming yourself.  It looks like you've had more than enough blame from the ex.   Read all of the posts here for more insight about how someone who is pwBPD operates and you'll soon learn that you are not to blame for the loss!

As Johan points out well, you can't be responsible for EVERYTHING.  It does indeed take two!

Be well!  We are here for you and understand what kinds of emotions you are likely to encounter!

D

... .Just like he said. He was being distant, pushing me away. He was lying- said he was too depressed to leave the house, but actually at the cinema. He lied about having twitter when he'd conversed with me the day before.

But maybe I was too harsh when I questioned him about all this. About how he told me he loved me but didn't want a relationship. About how he could just drop me like a stone with no reason. Perhaps he really was very very depressed and the break down of the "relationship" and friendship WAS all my fault like he says. Maybe I am untrustworthy and not worthy of him seeing me any more. Maybe I did hurt him.


This haunts me. I can't stop thinking about it. Maybe it is my fault that this seemingly perfect partnership ended and he moved on to a mutual friend because maybe she is more lovely and understanding that me.

[Littleopener]

Thank you all. Logically I know from previous relationships and friends that I am trustworthy and kind.

But I still feel like I'm not. It's an awful feeling. Like he's taken that quality away from me.

[Turkish]

 it's probably more like your replacement is willing to fill his bottomless bucket of needs,  as well as putting up with more unacceptable behaviors.  in that,  take heart that you are more healthy and well adjusted than she is... .  and obviously him!

[Littleopener]

The problem is I would help him and probably help him with his needs if he let me, but because I questioned him once or twice, I am now the bhit queen from hell and he refuses to see anything from my point if view. (funnily enough when I tried to talk to him about it, he said I was trying to force my opinion onto him. I wouldn't even know HOW to do that!)

Or perhaps she just hasn't seen the real him yet. I do know he again refuses to be in a "relationship" with her, even though that is what it is. Same as with me.

[MrFox]

As others have said, it's not you.  I played the same game with myself, thinking of every tiny mistake I made and thinking it was all my fault.  Then I realized that it wasn't.  Am I perfect?  No, but I'm nothing close to the picture she is painting of me now.  My biggest mistake was not falling for her manipulations, setting boundaries, and calling her on her behavior.

Your replacement either doesn't know what she is getting into (we didn't either so that's understandable), knows and has blinded herself (I know I did that), or/and has some serious issues of her own. 

Did you probably make mistakes in the relationship, yes, but when it is really love and between two people that genuinely want to make it work, those mistakes can be times of growth and learning.  When BPD is involved they become death sentences.  If you never made a mistake, it is a death sentence.  There in lies the terrible truth of a relationship with a pwBPD.  Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

[Littleopener]

Did you probably make mistakes in the relationship, yes, but when it is really love and between two people that genuinely want to make it work, those mistakes can be times of growth and learning.  When BPD is involved they become death sentences.  If you never made a mistake, it is a death sentence.  There in lies the terrible truth of a relationship with a pwBPD.  Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Thank you. It's good to hear this from someone else, proving it's not just me that thinks this. I just blame myself sometimes - what if I had made more of an effort to understand him, his depression... .his condition?

[goldylamont]

... .Just like he said. He was being distant, pushing me away. He was lying- said he was too depressed to leave the house, but actually at the cinema. He lied about having twitter when he'd conversed with me the day before.

he lies.

But maybe I was too harsh when I questioned him about all this. About how he told me he loved me but didn't want a relationship. About how he could just drop me like a stone with no reason.

trust me, this is the one thing you did right. nearly all of us here have gone through the same--meaning the moment you stand up and call them on their BS then they get angry and tell you it's your fault. that's why it's emotional abuse. remember, he lies--so don't trust this lie he's selling... .tells it to all the gals. gonna tell the same thing to your friend and the one(s) after them too.

Perhaps he really was very very depressed and the break down of the "relationship" and friendship WAS all my fault like he says. Maybe I am untrustworthy and not worthy of him seeing me any more. Maybe I did hurt him.

ok ok so maybe he is telling the truth some of the time. they love to wrap the truth in lies, makes the lie more powerful. yes he's very very depressed. yes he *thinks* you hurt him. but NO it's *not* your fault. gotta separate the lies from truth.

This haunts me. I can't stop thinking about it. Maybe it is my fault that this seemingly perfect partnership ended and he moved on to a mutual friend because maybe she is more lovely and understanding that me.

sleeping with friends is boiler plate BPD behavior. he feels justified and also is able to punish you more by sleeping with a former acquaintance. sometimes this could just be circumstance but i think often it is a form of revenge and punishment for some crap that happened to him as a kid. he's attempting to punish somebody from his past and it has nothing to do with you.

meaning: you don't deserve it. and it's not your fault.

[rogerroger]

In my experience, self-recrimination is one of the consequences of being in a relationship with someone with BPD. For me, this is because she was always telling me that she was in a bad mood because of what I had or hadn't done, or that if only I would do hit, things would get better, etc. I got into the habit of trying to accept responsibility for her moods and her choices. It took me a long time to realize that with her, the feelings would usually come first, and only then would she find a reason for it -- always in what someone else had done or not done.

[Nicco]

As others have said, it's not you.  I played the same game with myself, thinking of every tiny mistake I made and thinking it was all my fault.  Then I realized that it wasn't.  Am I perfect?  No, but I'm nothing close to the picture she is painting of me now.  My biggest mistake was not falling for her manipulations, setting boundaries, and calling her on her behavior.

Your replacement either doesn't know what she is getting into (we didn't either so that's understandable), knows and has blinded herself (I know I did that), or/and has some serious issues of her own.  

Did you probably make mistakes in the relationship, yes, but when it is really love and between two people that genuinely want to make it work, those mistakes can be times of growth and learning.  When BPD is involved they become death sentences.  If you never made a mistake, it is a death sentence.  There in lies the terrible truth of a relationship with a pwBPD.  :)amned if you do, damned if you don't.

I think this is a critic point indeed.

Even knowing everything about the disturb and how to "handle" it (if there's a way to) it's absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to don't make mistakes... .and anyway someone tryng to avoid any mistake,especially inside a dysfunctional relationship,could success maybe... .for a while... .but soon or late the nervous system collapse due to stress is inevitable... .exactly like mistakes.

Is what i always thought during my relationship BEFORE know something about BPD... ."for god's sake,how could be possible that 99 things i've done well or just like she wanted are completely devalued and forgotten if i've done wrong even just 1 f*****g thing?"

Now i know.

And just to be clear,i still can't wash from myself the feeling of guilt.bah.

[Pretty Woman]

I second, RedKong:

In my limited experience, this is part of the nature of relationships with pwBPD - you end up questioning your own behaviors, weaknesses, etc.

One thing that has really helped me to stay grounded in reality is to consider my patterns in other relationships and to check with trusted friends who really know me.  I've never experienced such a roller coaster before, and my friends assure me that I'm nothing like the accusations from my ex.  When my own perspective seems to fail me, I trust my history and my friends.

You know, this relationship has actually helped me to see my own mother may very well be a waif and one of my best friends is definitely borderline herself. Sometimes, when we are surrounded by these people in our lives from an early age, they wound us, our self esteem, so when we meet people like them we don't realize it right away. Once you are in a romantic situation with these people you see it for what it is.

We all do shyt in a relationship. And after reading how to handle a BPD a part of me thinks, maybe I could have done things differently, but you know what? Even if you are accomodating the illness you are STILL WALKING ON EGGSHELLS. Who wants to always do that? I sure don't!

[Tolou]

Thank you for sharing more of your story.

I want to validate your feelings, that you are hurting because you let your guard down with someone and attempted to have a mature adult realtionship.  I do think that no contact is the best option for you at this point so you can begin a process of healing and growth.  Also an important question to ask yourself is, if you realize that this person is not able to provide you with what you need in a healthy way, why can't you let go?  You need to try to remember that an individual like this has the emotional maturity of someone between the age of 3-6 years old.  You will not get closure from him, you will not get a sincere apology or acknowledgement of all your knidnesses and attempts to help.  Quite frankly  it is not your responsibility to help him in that manner, no matter what you think, in the long run this realtionship would not have worked no matter what you did to try and soothe or accomadate him.  You would constantly have to sacrifice yourself worth and filter your thoughts or feelings to prevent him from... .all different kinds of behavior.  No matter how much love you give this individual, it is not enough, they need more.  You are not his mother, or father... .A realtionship invloves compromise and empathy a reciprocal understanding of give and take.  He is all take and no give.

Part of your growth in life comes from meeting individuals like him, the helps he needs or you "think" he needs he can not see from the perspective that an adult does, he is always the victim no matter how you try to wirite it, explain or show it to him.  Instead of focusing on him so much, what he is doing, where he going, what he is thinking, you need to work on yourself and your needs.  Until you do that it will be difficult to find someone who can provide you with the type of love or realtionship you are looking for and deserve.  Do not settle, this is his losss.  You are a special person with a good heart to care so much even though someone has obviously caused you significant pain and distress.  Until he accepts his problems and seeks real help and healing he will continue to do this.  However that is not our job to stop him.  Our job is to learn from these people and grow and become that much stronger in moving into new realtionships.  Setting clear boundaries from the begining and drawing the line with what we will and will not tolerate from another human being.  When you recognize red falgs or things that are disturbing, do not ignore it.  talk to somone and get a outside persepctive to make sure that you are not the "crazy" one, because you are not.  However, if you continue to seek this type of person you need to ask yourself "why"?  Every time he come to thoughts you have the power to control that by trying to think of something else, it is not easy but you can do it.

[arn131arn]

It's not all your fault.  I promise you that, and I feel for you because I am new here, as well.

It's black magic or a dark force they have over us, but there are many yodas around here that will help you use the force... .I PROMISE you that.

Stay strong

[laelle]

If he is BPD... .It is NOT your fault!  You were emotionally abused in a relationship teeming with covert passive aggressive behavior, lies, splitting, triangulating, gas lighting, cheating, devaluation, manipulation, brain washing and defamation of character.  ABUSE!

Even if you felt you deserved or could handle the behaviors that I listed above... .(I must have HATED myself to put up with all the BS)

You could never do enough to make him happy, or be understanding enough because he is empty inside, and there is NOTHING you can do to fix that.

He looks for quick fixes to soothe his emotional pain and doesnt care who he hurts in the process. For every ounce of good you try to bring him, he will spit out two ounces of

his ugliest of ugly's.  AND HE WILL BLAME YOU FOR IT.

Be your very best friend and let this one go.  I know it hurts, I have been there.  Go and do something TOTALLY for you!  You have been through hell and back, but if you have left the relationship, you are on your way to recovery.

Letting this relationship go was one of the hardest things I have ever done.  To let go, I had to learn to love and value myself.  I was not taught that growing up, and it was an eye opener.

<3 Laelle

[arn131arn]

I am going thru the same feelings right now, as well.  After her smear campaign and long talk with my mother yesterday (she was the victim), how I have been replaced so soon, I am starting to feel the same way and start thinking about the wonderful healthy life the two of them are going to have becasue she is getting counseling (not for BPD but for her co-dependent issues with me)... .

[Littleopener]

How do I stop this feeling?

It's like he's puninishing me.

[Tolou]

Try to replace negative thoughts with positive ones.  It doesnt sound like this is a person who is ready for what you want.  Sometimes, we meet people at times in their life, when they just are not ready.  You have to ask yourself why continue to seek something that is not healthy for, we punish ourselves!

[love4meNOTu]

It was not a perfect partnership. Let me help you get grounded in the reality... .

Did you have a funny feeling in your gut in the initial stages of the romance?

I did. My exhwBPD burst my boundaries immediately. He did not respect me when I told him I did not want to rush into a physical relationship.

He broke up with me once (in the first two weeks of our romance) because I had to cancel a date to work late.

After we married, all hell broke loose. He would scream and yell at me at the drop of a hat for nothing. He overreacted to everything, drama was constant, I would pray for a few weeks of calm. Then, he turned his anger on me.

He terrified me and my kids. Held me hostage in my home one evening for over 13 hours screaming at me.

Twisted things in his head... so that in his mind I was abusing him.

My ex is very, very ill. Thank god we got out!

You sure you want something like that in your life? Quit blaming yourself. They were like this before we met them, and will be like this long after we leave.

It is an attachment disorder, they will never be able to attach in a healthy way in a romantic relationship until they get help, and acknowledge their issues.