Informing other family members?

[smiley gladhands]

Have you guys told your parents, siblings, etc, that you believe your spouse has a mental illness? I am trying that now, and its seemingly helping to get through some things.

Wife got in a fight with my SIL last christmas, and honestly my life has been hell ever since (constantly blaming my parents for not taking her side, me and my kids havent seen my brother in a year, missed family celebrations and gatherings, etc).

I told my wife to give me a list of "demands" to resolve it. She of course came up with an insane list where any normal person would basically tell her off. I've told my family members that shes crazy, and they are just going to go along with the stupid list for the sake of ending the conflict. My honest belief is she knows her demands are ridiculous and is hoping for more conflict - my family members now are basically just laughing it off, and feel bad for me for having to put up with this woman. I've told them they can never criticize, don't disagree, and don't engage or defend.

Analogy i basically made is to pretend you are dealing with a crazy person on the subway that hurls weird insults at you.

Has talking to your family about it helped? Made things worse? I hope i'm doing the right thing, but i guess we shall see. Unfortunately she keeps using the kids as a "weapon" (i.e. preventing access to them to get her way)

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[briefcase]

I told my parents and brother and a few other important people in my life that I suspect my wife has BPD.  It's had some positive and negative consequences.  Like you, I had found myself in a terrible situation where my parents and wife basically couldn't be in the same room as each other. 

My parents basically needed no convincing that my wife had something wrong with her.  So, they accepted my "diagnosis" without too much effort. 

On the positive side, it did a couple of things.  It let my parents know that I knew something was wrong in my relationship and that I was actively looking for some answers.  Before, I think they worried that I was just being passively swallowed by the relationship.  After, they understood that I was fighting for myself my own way.  I think it also gave my parents a little wiggle room, emotionally, to not get too caught up in my wife's moods. 

On the negative side, my parents have been mostly unwilling to learn better ways of communicating with my wife.  My father especially thinks a "tough love" type of approach is all that's needed and can sometimes add to the drama, rather than reduce it.

On balance, in my case, I think it was a positive move to tell my parents.  And, looking back, I needed their support and probably didn't have much choice (I was at rock bottom).

Knowing what I know now, and having gathered a lot of emotional strength, I would do not tell anyone that I think my wife has BPD.  When I feel the need to discuss her at all, I focus on the behaviors and not the lable -- she has instable and extreme emotions, she tends to have chaotic relationships, etc.   

 

[Chosen]

I don't have immediate family with me, and only 1 relative of mine knows (just in case anything happens, at least I don't have to tell her the whole story from the very beginning).

There is one person who knows everything, though, and another who knows most of the things, and neither are family members.  They are people who are close to me but not as close to my pwBPD.  Therefore, people who engage with pwBPD on a normal basis have not been told anything.  I made this decision because he is a high-functioning uBPD, and also because not everybody has the capacity to not judge/ say wise words/ not tell other people like it's a piece of gossip, and that's not helpful to the pwBPD at all, and potentially threatening to me.

[Grey Kitty]

Knowing what I know now, and having gathered a lot of emotional strength, I would do not tell anyone that I think my wife has BPD.  When I feel the need to discuss her at all, I focus on the behaviors and not the lable -- she has instable and extreme emotions, she tends to have chaotic relationships, etc.

I'd second that one... .labels are dangerous to use in many contexts, for lots of reasons.

And not "hiding" the bad behavior or trying to cover for it makes things much better all around, even if the pwBPD may find it difficult and object.

[empathic]

I've told my mother that I think my wife has a form of personality disorder affecting her emotions, not more specific than that. I told her because I needed someone to understand. My mother had already noticed a lot of odd behaviour so she didn't argue (and she'd normally argue back if she thinks I'm in the wrong).

It's nice to hear someone validate my feelings about this, but it was a last-resort action for me... .I kept quiet about it to my parents for many many years. I've felt so bad for them when we've been on trips together and my wife has become dysregulated. I was hindered to talk to them about it back then by my loyalty towards my wife, and made excuses for her "oh she's so tired" etc.

Then again, I don't know whether telling my mother will do much good in the long run, because they can be quite good at "sweeping things under the rug". My parents want my wife and me to stay together no matter what (for our childrens' sake). I'm very often caught in the middle between my wife and my parents. Perhaps 5 years back they'd telephone eachother but no more. My wife says she has nothing against my mother, but I've come to realize that is just hollow talk.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi all

Good topic of choice, and a very difficult area also.

In my case, my family already knew something wasn't right when they first met my BP partner, this caused lots of issues along the way, and like other posters here, it has now got to the point where they don't want to be in the same room with him either.

Kind of a mutual resentment, but more on the BP's side, since my family (or his!) is all he ever talks about when he is upset. He got upset a little today, but only for about 5 minutes, I did notice how quickly he gets upset if I accidentally mention my son in law in any way, this set him off, along with his rant about Christmas, and on and on.

Luckily I had some stock to drop off for my business, along with having to be on site temporarily to take care of something. I was pretty relieved that he didn't get worse, because I always get heart palpitations whenever I notice he is starting up again.

When he is tired/hot/hungry/irritable it is difficult to be around him, since these are triggers for setting him off, (like most of us really except that we can regulate ourselves better).

I was quite hurt since I had just taken him on a long drive to pick up stock, and also he wanted me to take him out to see his project car, which is now in a storage yard, (that he cannot afford either!). I did this, and when we got back, I went and brought him lunch and a drink. He smokes my smokes, uses my home facilities, and yet still complains about how hard he has it. This really annoys me, since nothing has changed, it doesn't seem to matter how much I do for him, or anyone does, he still walks around like he has a big chip on his shoulders.

Thank Goodness he is applying for employment these days, as the tax on me will lessen if he finally finds work...

I will be interested to see if things change when that happens, (fingers crossed 21 times!).

Thanks for listening

[smiley gladhands]

well, i've gotten all her "terrorist demands" met - honestly, its the happiest i've seen her in a long time. How someone could be so happy after inflicting so much harm is hard to describe (demand included $550 cash which they "owed" us for not giving a big enough gift at my wedding!)

In the past i would've fought alot with her over something like that - now my parents and siblings know what shes like, and i have private conversations with them on my work phone during the day. They understand the situation and will do the "egg-shell walk" if necessary. They are letting me call the shots about how they interact with her.

[Chosen]

And not "hiding" the bad behavior or trying to cover for it makes things much better all around, even if the pwBPD may find it difficult and object.

Completely agree with this.  I used to cover for uBPDh, so he wouldn't really feel the consequences of his actions.  It did nobody any good.  As I stopped doing it (e.g. he is missing so gathering because he's in a mood, I will not make up stories or say he's unwell, I'll just say "he's not coming", he started owning up to his actions a lot more.

[smiley gladhands]

And not "hiding" the bad behavior or trying to cover for it makes things much better all around, even if the pwBPD may find it difficult and object.

Completely agree with this.  I used to cover for uBPDh, so he wouldn't really feel the consequences of his actions.  It did nobody any good.  As I stopped doing it (e.g. he is missing so gathering because he's in a mood, I will not make up stories or say he's unwell, I'll just say "he's not coming", he started owning up to his actions a lot more.

Normally i'd like to just do something like this, but i have 2 very young children involved (ages 3 and 1) that my wife fights tooth and nail to "stay back" with her. I have family that desperately want to see my girls, and its always a battle. If they werent involved, i'd just go by myself no problem. And there have been times where i have said i'd bite the bullet and go by myself, but then i start getting the divorce/custody battle threats

[Seneca]

I think it is of value to tell YOUR closest relatives/ friends - anyone who has witnessed her behavior and basically just come to the conclusion that your wife is an abusive lunatic and you are "battered" or a victim in some way. It will help them to understand that there is a real illness here, and she can't help it. This really helps to remove any anger they are feeling on their or your behalf in regards to her.

That said, you need to respect her privacy - don't go telling everybody at work, or her pals or FOO. Only those you need to, those who will support YOU and stand by you, and those you trust not to tell the whole universe. Hang in there. 

[Grey Kitty]

And not "hiding" the bad behavior or trying to cover for it makes things much better all around, even if the pwBPD may find it difficult and object.

Completely agree with this.  I used to cover for uBPDh, so he wouldn't really feel the consequences of his actions.  It did nobody any good.  As I stopped doing it (e.g. he is missing so gathering because he's in a mood, I will not make up stories or say he's unwell, I'll just say "he's not coming", he started owning up to his actions a lot more.

Normally i'd like to just do something like this, but i have 2 very young children involved (ages 3 and 1) that my wife fights tooth and nail to "stay back" with her. I have family that desperately want to see my girls, and its always a battle. If they werent involved, i'd just go by myself no problem. And there have been times where i have said i'd bite the bullet and go by myself, but then i start getting the divorce/custody battle threats

I am not sure I understand your issue here... .it sounds like 2~3 different but related issues:

• Your wife doesn't want to see your family.



• Your wife doesn't want you to take D1 and D3 see your family when she doesn't go.



• And lastly what do you say to your family when this crap happens (and you decide to cancel plans/go without kids/etc).

As for the last option, my recommendation is not making excuses, just stating that your W won't be there, or she asked you not to go.

As for the first two problems--that is a more difficult issue--you have to decide how important it is to you to bring your kids to see your family, and whether you want to set a boundary around that or not... .and if you do, I expect you will see an extinction burst, complete with divorce/custody battle threats.

Hang in there!

 GK

[nodoover]

I finally told my stepdaughter that I was almost 100% sure that is what her dad has.  I finally said it after some bad stuff including suicide talk.

I was afraid of what she might say to me, she is in her late 20's and we have been together since she was 12 friendly but never close, her mom kept it that way.

But she thanked me and said it answered a lot of questions for her about why he acts the way he does.

He has always put her on a pedestal treated her like a god... .but even she knew it wasn't normal.  Her mom has always had custody so I think his anger at her would have come out if they did.  She has seen his rages but never at her.

[Nonamouse]

I understand the label of BPD and it being scary and not well understood. But isn't that part of the problem of why it's stigmatized? I'm at the point where I feel like I need to be honest with family and friends about why our life is so screwed up, and it not being about not liking them anymore. And if I can't get some level of understanding from them, maybe they'll be able to relate to my BPD better.

Maybe in a different boat because she's diagnosed and accepted it (except when she's dysregulating and then I'm the one with BPD.)

It just seems like stigma is grounded in ignorance. And there's so much of it out there.

[Steve4444]

How do people feel about telling adult children when there is no "official" diagnosis?  I have told no one other than my counselor. I would like to share my concerns with the kids but am afraid of the fallout. There is no doubt that one of the kids would tell their Mom. I have read a million times that I should never raise this with my BPD wife. Telling the kids seems like a passive aggressive way of telling her directly. There are no secrets in this family.

[Hope26]

Hi All, this is a very interesting topic.  I'm not sure what I'd do in a situation like Steve's, with kids involved who could become defensive or worse.  Having said that, I strongly agree with nodoover, nonamouse, and Seneca.  There is a lot of stigma and misunderstanding regarding this illness, and ignorance is not bliss.  I think, as Seneca said, that we need to be cautious and selective about who we tell.  I have told my sister, who has experienced at least one of his rages herself.  Though in general he controls himself well around people.  I have told a couple of friends, who were friends of mine long before H and I met.  We need to confide in somebody for the sake of our own sanity, as well as to explain odd behavior and decreased social contact.  Better that others know there is mental illness involved, than to think the pwBPD is just 'mean' or worse.  I have an acquaintance from church who I now feels has BPD, and have heard others describe her as 'evil'.  This kind of stigma is not helpful to anyone.

[empathic]

I decided to let my mother in on the situation, turns out she had experienced a lot of weird behaviour from my wife already that I did not know about. My mother is a former nurse so she has some insight into healthcare. It's a double-edged sword though, as my mother is now worried about my r/s. She can switch from one day saying the best thing might be that we separate, to the next day asking me if I do enough at home, being rather invalidating.

 

[zaqsert]

For the first year after I started to learn about BPD, I told no one in my family.  Then more recently I mentioned it to my mom, and she said she was not at all surprised.

She said she had thought so for a few years.  I asked why she had never said anything.  She said she felt it was not her business to stick her nose into the topic and that she believed I had to be ready.  Although now I feel that it could have saved me some grief, in hindsight I think she was right.

In the short time since I brought this up to my mom, my parents have already been working on figuring out ways to help with our D3.

[guitarguy09]

well, i've gotten all her "terrorist demands" met - honestly, its the happiest i've seen her in a long time. How someone could be so happy after inflicting so much harm is hard to describe (demand included $550 cash which they "owed" us for not giving a big enough gift at my wedding!)

In the past i would've fought alot with her over something like that - now my parents and siblings know what shes like, and i have private conversations with them on my work phone during the day. They understand the situation and will do the "egg-shell walk" if necessary. They are letting me call the shots about how they interact with her.

I have an almost identical situation to you, SG. My wife absolutely hates my family because she would make a stink about many little things that they didn't do to make her feel included. I honestly believe, if I came up with a list like you, that my family would refuse to accommodate her unless she got counseling (they have said as much). It makes me very sad, because while we last saw them a couple months ago, we are not planning to see anyone from my family anytime soon. And I don't think my uBPDw's demands were all that taxing.

Examples: Try to include her when having get togethers, call to ask her how she is doing, and listen and treat what she is saying as important. My family is prideful so they are certainly not perfect in this situation either. In addition, they are very good at guilting me as I have felt guilted a lot of my life. But if they had listened to her a little more and just tried to accommodate her a little more, I think we could have worked things out. Who knows, maybe it could still work in the future. But for now, she despises them and they don't like her much better.