if STBX has a replacement, is the divorce process easier?

[Mutt]

My L says we should be done family court in Spring 2014 and the divorce will quickly follow and be done. I filled for 50/50 custody and access and my wife filed for divorce shortly after. Her L tried to push custody and access to divorce court, but I didn't want to. February 21st 2014 will be 1 year of separation.

It was my uBPD ex's idea to get divorced. She was grooming my replacement month's before she left.

I keep reading that even if it's the BPDs idea to get divorced they create conflict due to their abandonment/attachment issues. I don't recall (I'm sure that it's been posted many times) reading if it was their idea but they already had someone under their wing when they left, and are still with them, if the process is easier?

Does it make a difference or not?

[marbleloser]

It makes a difference for you if you have kids. While she/he are busy with the new SO, you document your time with the kids and spend as much time as possible with them. You also focus on your case,while he/she is preoccupied with the new SO.

Don't count on it making the process easier or faster. Family court is sloow. By the time you get done,she may have a new SO other than the one she has now.

[Nope]

By the time you get done,she may have a new SO other than the one she has now.

Document that as well. Lots of random people coming in and out of your kids lives shows an unstable environment.

In my SO's case he is treated worse when she is seeing someone. Like she can't possibly devalue him enough in comparison to the pedestal she puts her new man on. And they've been divorced for more than five years.

[Mutt]

It makes a difference for you if you have kids. While she/he are busy with the new SO, you document your time with the kids and spend as much time as possible with them. You also focus on your case,while he/she is preoccupied with the new SO.

Don't count on it making the process easier or faster. Family court is sloow. By the time you get done,she may have a new SO other than the one she has now.

I know that she is distracted but I had not thought of it as an oppurtunity.

The 2 year old in the last 2 months is harder to take home. What I mean is he says "me no go see mom" A couple of weeks ago he started crying then sobbing and only wanted to be cuddled and kept saying "me miss dad" over and over.

My eldest, D7 says she likes it more at dad's than at her house.

I think that they are not getting attention at home and often they are at babysitters or her family is watching the kids.

I'm trying to get right of first refusal as well. She has been extremely difficult and inconsistent with visitation with the kids. Since I finally retained a lawyer (she had cleaned me out financially before leaving and got an interim order for child support, she knew that she was doing. She wanted to hurt me financially so I couldn't come after her) I said no more games. If I get denied seeing the kids. My L will know. So I have been getting them as much as I can. My S2 was my breaking point.

Document that as well. Lots of random people coming in and out of your kids lives shows an unstable environment.

In my SO's case he is treated worse when she is seeing someone. Like she can't possibly devalue him enough in comparison to the pedestal she puts her new man on. And they've been divorced for more than five years.

I'm Canadian so terms may be different. I started a parenting order with Family Justice Services with a Court Counsellor. I explained the situation but it seemed like there was an excuse for my wife's behavior. I was told that people grieve while they are in a marriage and that it's not unusual for someone to find someone new and introduce them to the kids and live with them.

I get what your saying. Instability with a home with a revolving door with SO's. That's something that I will document.

I'm painted black. I'm treated as a lightning rod for her negative feelings, blame, guilt etc... .but I've been good with the exception of a couple of set backs in dis engaging. I've been clear that I don't want her back. So I can see this going for much longer.  i responded to the divorce papers because her L kept saying oh it's a long way off. I'm pushing it through and want to get it done as quickly as possible.

She made her bed. She can lay in it. I want the kids 50/50 and the debt acrued over 8 years split and walk away.

I have spoken to her once on the telephone briefly in 11 months. I have an email account that I created solely for the kids and I don't respond to her by my personal email. To sort everything into one mail box for an L later on.

[scraps66]

In some cases I believe, yes, and once the BP of your life find a replacement one of the positive side effects can be that you are discarded and they move on.  I had posted a similar message a few years ago, earlier in my process and trying to predict the future. 

What my ex did, after having me kicked out of my house, was to have her new replacement move in - while I'm paying the mortgage and living elsewhere, and then, though she had not provided any financial information for the settlement process, and in the same timeframe had inherited money allowing her to purchase her own house, without completing the settlement process, she stalled the divorce for 15 months while I was paying the mortgage.  This is what I have learned to recognize as the, "I win, only if you lose" approach.  It wasn't enough for her to have me kicked from the house, she then had to apply more financial abuse and set the new bf as "dad" all the while i struggled along to make ends meet and to close the divorce.  My ex had a leg up in that she for a long period of time had tno attorney, so communicating was impossible.

So don't let up or let your guard down just cuzz your own psycho has moved on.  That, I believe as you've learned, can develop inot it's own set of problems for you to have on your conscience.   

[Mutt]

In some cases I believe, yes, and once the BP of your life find a replacement one of the positive side effects can be that you are discarded and they move on.  I had posted a similar message a few years ago, earlier in my process and trying to predict the future.  

What my ex did, after having me kicked out of my house, was to have her new replacement move in - while I'm paying the mortgage and living elsewhere, and then, though she had not provided any financial information for the settlement process, and in the same timeframe had inherited money allowing her to purchase her own house, without completing the settlement process, she stalled the divorce for 15 months while I was paying the mortgage.  This is what I have learned to recognize as the, "I win, only if you lose" approach.  It wasn't enough for her to have me kicked from the house, she then had to apply more financial abuse and set the new bf as "dad" all the while i struggled along to make ends meet and to close the divorce.  My ex had a leg up in that she for a long period of time had tno attorney, so communicating was impossible.

So don't let up or let your guard down just cuzz your own psycho has moved on.  That, I believe as you've learned, can develop inot it's own set of problems for you to have on your conscience.    

Your story is similiar to mine with financial abuse. She had said I was financially abusive as one of her reasons of leaving. Yeah right.

This is by no means completely her fault as I could of said no and acted on suspicions, but months before leaving I had maxed my credit to pay for her trip to go to a family reunion.  A couple of weeks before she had told me that she was going to leave, she had asked for money to put on her credit card because the company kept calling her. Again I had maxed myself out.

I was the sole provider, 4 kids and a stay at home wife. Money was always tight. I believe that she put me in a position as to not come after her. After she left she said I could not visit the kids, unless there was a court order. I didn't have the money for a lawyer. She refused a separation agreement and mediation.

She had retained herself a lawyer through legal-aid, and but I think that was only for child support/spousal support  and her L tried to de-rail what I had started in family courts pro-se. At least in Family Court you get to tell your story to the judge, wereas Divorce Court it's done through lawyers and transcripts. Keep in mind this is Canada.

Ambiguity leaves things open to control. She is only interested in money. Irregardless of fortune telling or financial abuse. It's entitlement. I'm going to use every bit of knowledge that I can if it gives me an advantage.

For example, I took her off of my life insurance. If she was more focused, well that money could be diverted for her in case that I die and the child support for her keeps continuing. I took that money and moved it over to my kids instead. I may change it if I re-marry.

She's occupied with a new toy, wilst she wants the old one at arms reach, yet still maintain a lifestyle for her, despite of how financially difficult it is for me. There's 30-40k of debt and she wallked away with the van (less than 10k) owing and her 1200 credit card and she says that's all and she's done. Again, entitlement. What about my cc, loans  or the land that her mother has in her name etc... .

I can see what your saying though with that I win/you lose attitude. I'd forgotten about that complex. I just get a feeling that the divorce papers where a counter to my family papers and she may only do it if she gets married. I'm pushing the divorce through, but it's that stalling that scares me.

[ForeverDad]

If STBX has a replacement, is the divorce process easier?  Possibly, but each person is an individual, affected to varying extents, so there's no one single answer.  If she's more of the 'wandering' type and not that into parenting, then probably.  If she's just rejected you and is very possessive of the children, then probably not by much.

Regarding life insurance or other accounts, keep in mind that if they inherit money as minors, then someone will be given responsibility for handling those monies.  Likely it will be whoever has or gets custody of the children after you're gone.  If it's your ex, then likely she will find some way to use it as she wishes.  What I did (in USA) was to include in my will that any assets going to my child from me would be administered by a trustee I pick, then in the account beneficiary forms I put "In trust for {children} pursuant to will dated {date}".  That's what I did since I really don't have assets or big accounts*, so there was no reason to set up a virtually empty trust now that would cost me many $$$ to maintain over the years.

*  The only substantial things I have are the policies that vest if I'm gone.  My house is mortgaged, my car has a loan, my retirement account has a loan, I live from paycheck to paycheck.

[seeking balance]

I keep reading that even if it's the BPDs idea to get divorced they create conflict due to their abandonment/attachment issues. I don't recall (I'm sure that it's been posted many times) reading if it was their idea but they already had someone under their wing when they left, and are still with them, if the process is easier?

Does it make a difference or not?

Seems logical, but BPD is not logical.

In my case, no - having someone else did not make it any less conflict.

Entitlement is still there and the system itself is set for conflict and a perfect playground for a pwBPD.  You are now her abuser (her reality) and pwBPD need abusers in their system to remain a victim... .keeps the new person as the savior... .karpman triangle.

In Love and Loathing - the best advice I read was get the best T and lawyer for yourself that you can afford during this process.

[Mutt]

@scraps66

Thanks for the feedback and your right. I agree about fortune telling, it won't amount to anything.

I'm frustrated with the wall that I'm put up against and how society enables PD. It feels like I'm swimming against the current. So the fact that she's distracted or not is irrelevant, if only a small piece of the puzzle to a grander more complex issue.

But what comes to mind is KEEP.

Knowledge & Energy to Explain Patterns.

Regarding life insurance or other accounts, keep in mind that if they inherit money as minors, then someone will be given responsibility for handling those monies.  Likely it will be whoever has or gets custody of the children after you're gone.  If it's your ex, then likely she will find some way to use it as she wishes.  What I did (in USA) was to include in my will that any assets going to my child from me would be administered by a trustee I pick, then in the account beneficiary forms I put "In trust for {children} pursuant to will dated {date}".  That's what I did since I really don't have assets or big accounts*, so there was no reason to set up a virtually empty trust now that would cost me many $$$ to maintain over the years.

*  The only substantial things I have are the policies that vest if I'm gone.  My house is mortgaged, my car has a loan, my retirement account has a loan, I live from paycheck to paycheck.

I'm in the same boat. Pay cheque to pay cheque and policies are the only thing for my beneficiaries.

I thought of that too. I'm going to appoint my sister as Trustee and not my spouse for the monies for the children.

After the dust settles and I'm done with litigation and the divorce papers are signed. I'm putting money aside for an L in the future. This is only the beggining.

You are now her abuser (her reality) and pwBPD need abusers in their system to remain a victim... .keeps the new person as the savior... .karpman triangle.

In reality, I've removed the third leg from the three legged stool, but I may have missed the point. I can't control what goes on in her mind, and in her reality, the persecutor leg may very well still be there.

[Free One]

I keep reading that even if it's the BPDs idea to get divorced they create conflict due to their abandonment/attachment issues. I don't recall (I'm sure that it's been posted many times) reading if it was their idea but they already had someone under their wing when they left, and are still with them, if the process is easier?

Does it make a difference or not?

In my case no, it did not make it easier. In fact, I think it may have made it harder because having a replacement already seemed to increase his sense of entitlement even more.

[love4meNOTu]

In my case, yes Mutt.

As soon as he found a new supply, he signed the dissolution papers immediately and stopped hounding me for spousal support.

My xhwBPD has always taken the easy route.

He knew he hurt me, and that was enough for him. To him, moving on to the new supply is a victory, seeing as I am still single.

Takes all kinds, I guess.

My heart goes out to you today.

L

[Mutt]

In my case, yes Mutt.

As soon as he found a new supply, he signed the dissolution papers immediately and stopped hounding me for spousal support.

My xhwBPD has always taken the easy route.

He knew he hurt me, and that was enough for him. To him, moving on to the new supply is a victory, seeing as I am still single.

Takes all kinds, I guess.

My heart goes out to you today.

L

Thank you love4meNOTu.

I have not raised the subject of divorce with my ex for almost a year, because she wanted nothing do with it and she was the one that wanted to divorced. 6 weeks until we can get divorced after a year of separation.

I figured it's the holidays, maybe I will stop with the controlled contact and simply reach and ask if she wanted to settle this quickly instead of dragging it out. The money can be better spend on the kids than the lawyers.

She said; "for all parties involved, It's best that we get it done quickly"

She's been painting me white since Christmas Eve, but she shocked me when she said that. I'm apprehensive, but I'll bring it up with my L and see if we can get the marriage dissolved quickly.

[seeking balance]

Mutt,

If you have not read Splitting by Bill Eddy, I strongly recommend getting it ASAP.

It discusses the system and how it relates to PD's... . how to make sure your attorney doesn't get stuck in the PD trap, etc.

Best,

SB

[Mutt]

Mutt,

If you have not read Splitting by Bill Eddy, I strongly recommend getting it ASAP.

It discusses the system and how it relates to PD's... . how to make sure your attorney doesn't get stuck in the PD trap, etc.

Best,

SB

Have not and will get it ASAP. Thanks SB.

[ForeverDad]

She said; "for all parties involved, It's best that we get it done quickly"

She's been painting me white since Christmas Eve, but she shocked me when she said that. I'm apprehensive, but I'll bring it up with my L and see if we can get the marriage dissolved quickly.

What she left unsaid, possibly: "quickly... . on my terms"

Yes, Bill Eddy's SPLITTING handbook is inexpensive and probably the best use of your money for any book out there.  There are other helpful books, but SPLITTING is at the top of the list when dealing with BPD, NPD or other acting-out PDs.

[sfbayjed]

Depending on the replacement, it could make things harder if this person is going to be someone who validates your exs distortions. or easier if it is someone who distracts her and can possibly becomes her new target.   

[Mutt]

Depending on the replacement, it could make things harder if this person is going to be someone who validates your exs distortions. or easier if it is someone who distracts her and can possibly becomes her new target.  

He's definitely a new target. He was lurking in the background of the marriage for almost a year before she left. The've been together for almost 2 years by the time we can legally divorce. If I had to take a guess, marriage is in the air for those two and it could be why she wants to move things along quickly or the fact that she might be scared of being exposed in court because her and her L can't walk all over me, since I finally got an L. Either way, whatever this white coat of paint she's been applying lately, it's for her. I've stopped taking anything at face value since we've separated. I've made it very clear to her that she's never to come back to me or to even consider me when this replacement falls out. I don't want to be married to her and 50/50 with the kids can be done in a gentle matter or we can do it the hard way. I've re-enforced that message to her several times before she left and made it clear I'm ready to fight her tooth and nail if I have to.