One step forward, one step back- advice needed

[Miss Topaz]

So my boyfriend has finally looked at the symptoms of BPD (as recommended by his doctor) and agrees that he has it, along with depression (of which he has been diagnosed). He is only on the first week of mood stabilisers and he admitted that last time it took 3 weeks to get some sort of balance. I am currently seeing him every evening for planned activities that keep him social( stuff we both enjoy). He was optimistic and attended a study skills session to get back on track with his uni work but he had a wobble and lost all motivation to work the next day and instead slept. Luckily I got him out the house in the evening. He is tweeting some questionable stuff lamenting that his past suicide attempt have failed he has a part time job interview tomoz (or later today) and I am meant to see him after. I am worried he will miss it and feel like a failure. Christmas is always a difficult time for him and I won't be seeing him the whole of next week ( not until the weekend to celebrate our anniversary). I am encouraging him to go to a depression 'meetup' on Sat- pub drinks so he can meet and hopefully causally make friends with people with depression. I was wondering if any of  you think this is a good idea? I believe secrecy and isolation has played a big role in him struggling to get any better.

Basically I am just nervous that the things he has to get through over the next few weeks (an important uni essay) before his meds kick in will fall apart and need some advice and support.

Sorry it was a bit of a ramble

Thanks

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[rumblelina]

This is just in my very limited experience, I apologize if inappropriate or useless.

While I do think that encouraging him to go out and do things is good, I don't know how good it would be for him to make friends with depressed people - in my experience, it works when both parties are ONLY depressed because they KNOW it's not rejection as such, but when I got depressed my pwBPD felt my lack of life was all rejection, so it might trigger him (even if it's people he doesn't know yet).

I also would advise against anything involving alcohol, my mom works for a psych and nearly every time meds don't work/stop working/take longer to work - it is because the patient has been drinking.

Is there a way for him to do social things that do not involve depressed people or drinking? if you're away maybe you can talk him into a 'long distance movie night'? like both getting on skype or facebook and chatting while you both watch a movie at the same time either via DVD or online? I've done this with long distance friends when they're having a rough time and it's always a very nice experience

[rumblelina]

(note: my mom is not a professional, she works as a secretary there and often comes home with stories about that, I have been on SSRIs and was strongly adviced against drinking but I don't anyway, which is why I didn't offer my own experience as proof about it being detrimental)

[briefcase]

It's obvious you care a great deal for him and he's lucky to have such a supportive person in his life!  Most of the work for his recovery will be his work to do, and all you can do is encourage and support him in those efforts. 

It sounds like a good idea to get him out of the house. Support groups are generally a good idea, especially if there is leadership or a mentor who has started his or her own recovery who can help him along. 

I agree though that drinking and depression is not a good mix. 

[Miss Topaz]

The movie night is a good idea  thanks! It is something I will try the days I can't see him around Christmas. Hmm I dunno the thing is he needs someone else who understand, like I feel like he cannot throw a 'you don't understand'  at them if he has such like minded people around him. The people are all committed to fighting depression and this meetup at a pub seems to be an anomaly in terms of involving alcohol. In regards to alcohol... .I can't limit drink, he hasn't been told by his doctor to stop and so anything I say will do nothing. They are the meds that are traditionally used for epilepsy that he is on? these mood stabilisers.  He once gave up alcohol for Lent but outside of that yeah he will buy a beer on a night out. He ended up oversleeping for the interview and is feeling low and angrily claiming us going out tonight is for me when really I feel he needs to get out of the house.

Basically I know alcohol should be less frequent in his life but I cannot see that happening for a while and I really can't change that until he is in a better space unfortunately and the meds seemed to work last time when he drank. I didn't quite understand when you said having  friends with depression didn't help you?

[Miss Topaz]

Thank you once again for the advice, i know recovery lies with him bt I promised to help see him through the holidays, he is in a very precarious point with the uni work he has to do and to keep taking meds so i just need to support him hard till January and I know he is out of the woods of having to drop out of his course and the meds start doing ... .something. I also need him to spread his support system because it is really just me and like one or two other friends at the moment.

[briefcase]

A group that is dedicated to recovering from depression sounds good!  And I do agree that it's not your job to monitor his drinking . . . just something to keep in the back of your mind when you're suggesting things for him to do to get out of the house. 

[rumblelina]

In that light that's a much better idea! It didn't occur to me the 'you don't understand!' as I haven't experienced it! If the doctor hasn't told him not to drink with the meds then I'm sure it's not an issue! It is indeed not your job, I just mentioned it like - maybe not a good idea in general to encourage?

And sorry! My words got muddled, I had just woken up. When I had depression, having friends with depression helped for sure! And viceversa, but when I was depressed and my pwBPD friend hung out with me, she got very triggered by my depression, she felt that my depression was rejection of her (which it wasn't, it didn't even have anything to do with her, I have a chronic low grade depression illness) so she would do hurtful things, feel bad in general, find replacements for me and things like that. My concern was that maybe he would interpret other people's depression as rejection of him as a peer, not rationally, but that the BPD could do that to him.

[Miss Topaz]

It is bad but the only way I can get him to go to some stuff is if alcohol is involved, like basically he does think alcohol makes him happy but this only really strikes when he is really low otherwise he is normal with alcohol. Basically thanks for reassuring me the depression meet up was a good idea. He has decided not to go, he doesn't even really wanna talk today, it is really upset me cos he won't go to another meetup and the next one won't interest him activity wise. This seemed quite chilled and I was in a position to go along to help calm his nerves and shoot off if it is full of weirdos or whatever. I feel like he has lost an opportunity to form a wider support network and to shoot down this if all things we have done this week seems selfish as it is still really only me. He is spiralling again.

I am not worried that meeting these people will have a negative effect, it was fine when he used to go to group therapy. This is why I am so disappointed. If i push it he will probs flip and 'split' again so can't *sigh*.