Ever felt like leaving but scared your partner would harm themselves?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Did anyone on here ever feel trapped? you wanted to get out of the relationship but you felt like you couldn't because your partner would harm themselves or do something crazy? Just out of curiosity.

[Iamdizzy]

Did anyone on here ever feel trapped? you wanted to get out of the relationship but you felt like you couldn't because your partner would harm themselves or do something crazy? Just out of curiosity.

[Aussie0zborn]

Yes, ofcourse.  That's part of being in a relationship with a pwBPD.

[just_think]

Self harm was the last straw for me. I didn't know about BPD, but I knew her cutting her own wrists was not quite... .healthy. I didn't know how to do it at the time, but some sort of fail-safe kicked in on my brain that said "you cannot be with this person and they cannot be in your life.)

I have 2 friends who have BPD experience that is relevant. One is married and he constantly tells me that he is scared she will do something if he ever left. In the mean time, he hates his life and is constantly playing care taker/ talking her down when something goes wrong.

One told me how his ex tried to kill herself at least once (maybe twice?  I can't quite remember) due to arguments they had.  He recently talked to her (after several years) and she had tried to light herself on fire. Nothing. Changed. Drill that part into your head if nothing else... .unless SHE takes the initiative, she will not be able to change or help herself. This will go on for years, if not the rest of her life.

So let's look at this this way. Do you want to be in a relationship where you are held hostage because you would feel responsible if something happened to that person? That is not a healthy situation. If you leave, she very well may harm herself.  That's definitely a possibility. But it's not your fault if she did. You have to do what is right for you and what will meet your emotional needs. If someone decides to harm themselves in reaction to what you have to do for your own health, that is not on you.  

[Traumatized]

Sadly my ex made another suicide attempt recently.  Her third.

This was the biggest fear I had about her when she cut me out of her life 2 1/2 months ago.  She had gone back to doing hardcore drugs like cocaine, crack, crystal meth, etc. and had a plan to o.d. when the time was right.  Of course she blamed me for going back to these drugs because my face, my very presence, had triggered her at the end of our relationship.

When she mentioned her latest attempt to me on the phone the other night, it cut me deep.  I wish I could have been there for her.  I wish I could have helped get her through that crisis.  I had been there for her many times before when she melted down and wanted to die, but this time I wasn't.  She didn't want me there for her.  It makes me sad because I love her so much and would have done anything to help her.  I would have been there for her in a second.

Ironically, she still found a way to put me down when she told me about it.  She said she'd made a "real" suicide attempt, unlike my "fake" ones.  That hurt me.  She cannot empathize with me.  She cannot acknowledge that I too am in extreme emotional pain.  She has to say that all my tears, dry heaving, panic attacks, suicidal crises, etc. are "fake" because she can't take responsibility for her abusive actions towards me.  It's much easier for her to say I'm a melodramatic faker then own up to the fact that she has inflicted a lot of pain on me.

[Lucky Jim]

Sure, it's the ultimate manipulation.  The threat of self-harm if you do/don't do something.  Sad to say, I think it's pretty common in a r/s with a pwBPD, as Aussie notes.  My BPDxW threatened suicide many times, to the point that she was like the boy who cried wolf.  Yet there was always that thought in the back of my head that maybe this time she was serious, which was extremely stressful.  Lucky Jim

[GaGrl]

My DH was married to his ex, the uNPD/BPD he refers to as The Dark Princess, for 33 years (19 living together).  Early in the marriage, he brought up the subject of separation (the problem was constant and unrelenting infidelities).  At the time, their children were pre-schoolers.  Her reaction?

"If you leave, I'll burn down the house with the children in it."

And we believed her fully capable of doing so.  That, to me, is the ultimate manipulation.

[Waifed]

No. Never.

[Calm Waters]

I did leave because she was making our relationship impossible, i got the blame for all of her stress. I left in a kind and loving manner. 2 days later she attempted suicide and nearly succeeded, my world came to a standstill, i stayed by her bedside, she was in a coma for 3 days, her family blamed me, she woke up, i nursed her and helped her recover then i was dumped despite her declaring me the ' love of her life'.

She has moved on, i am bereft a year later and still recovering ... .nice

[Nicco]

Yes,it happened.

First time during our r/s while she was in her country,after some months spent together.

The situation (economic too) was getting crap and she had to come back in her house in France for a while... .was just temporary... .seems that stay away far from me was impossible... .she phoned me and wrote me every hour,every night,always... .desperately cryng telling me that was too hard for her to endure... .then suddenly she disappeared for two days,last thing she wrote it's been just "i'm sorry,it's just too hard... .i love u"... .of course i went crazy... .someone found her half dead in the streets... .she went to hospital for some days.

The second time,the worst... .she was here with me... .we spent months of pure insanity... .i wasn't able to manage the situation anymore... .and i committed my biggest mistake,at time i knew nothing about this PD... .i told her that my endurance limit was reached and asked her to leave my home... .for sure THAT it's been the moment when i destroyed her trust in me (it's just acknowledgment of the cold fact,i made a deal with... .and is what she told me too when she left me)... .anyway... .she was desperate,wrote me pages and pages of things about us,about why was a mistake,about how much was her guilty if she was losing the biggest love of her life,that my love gave her life again and now i was killing her... ."sorry from the deep of my heart to be like i am" were the last words written on the papers that i found on our bed,close to her... .again,half dead.

Went to hospital... .i don't think i could never forget her beautiful cryng eyes fixed in mine while she was praying me to don't leave her,from the hospital bed.

Some days later,one night,she went up on the roof threatening to jump... .i didn't moved... .she didn't too.

This was in April.In September she left me.End of the story.

[Perfidy]

Iamdizzy... .That is an interesting question. The answer that I am going to give you now is not the same answer I would have given earlier in my detachment. I am finding much deeper thought now than I have previously.

I believe it is in our good nature to care about others, especially when it comes to a matter of life and death, like suicide.

Now I have to ask myself this question. Whose life is more important? The savior role no longer suits me. I am not prepared to sacrifice my happiness, especially for someone that is as harmful to me as the pwBPD that I was attached to. At one time I would have gladly sacrificed my life for her. Now I can see that it would have not really been a sacrifice because it would have been for nothing. I have no desire to throw my life away. I was suicidal. I did not communicate this to her. I did not threaten or attempt. I planned. If I had not found the resources to end my suffering I would have ended my life. It was horrible depression that lasted for months, brought on by interaction with a very sick person.

The answer for me is no. I would not stay. I would choose me over her. If I would have made this choice the first time she disrespected me I would not have ever felt driven to suicide. Hindsight being 20/20.

[Tricky]

During a 4 year relationship I was never scared my uBPDex would harm herself, until she did - a horrific suicide attempt involving setting her car alight with herself in it just 20 yards from the room I was asleep in. I was devastated and badly badly traumatised -anxious 100% of the time, unable to operate, and close to losing my mind and my business and my teenage son. Only psychiatric care, medication and wonderful support from friends and employees got me through. It took many hours of therapy and pain to shed the feelings of guilt and responsibility, and I then dropped into a deep black depression as the FOG dispersed. I'm still there.

Of course, in her mind, I am to blame for the attempt and all her other woes as well. She is an angry 'victim', and unable to accept any responsibility for her actions or the impact they had on me , her family or friends. She has painted me black, and portrays me as weak for my reaction and my subsequent ending of the relationship. She moans that the care I received was so much better than hers, and her need so much greater, whilst at the same time trivialising her suicide bid and quickly spinning it as self harm, which is apparently less embarrassing to her (or as a car accident leading to a nervous breakdown to those who don't know the details).  It's so sad. She'll never come to terms with it or see things for what they were. Just back to her usual behaviors as if nothing had happened - no post trauma realizations, or insight or empathy despite 4 weeks in a psychiatric ward. Her main concern seems to be the embarrassment and not any true healing or self awareness. Now her burns are almost completely healed and she's out and about. I'm still devastated and medicated, and lost in a deep hole. My scars are not healing. What a mess. Still can't believe what happened.

[Calm Waters]

tricky i feel for you, its terrifying and confusing and for me dragged up issues around my BPD suicidal mother. I had a breakdown and a breakthrough, i just have to try and see the positive, she lived, doesnt want me, and showed me how I can heal. I hope you will fully recover

[Iamdizzy]

Thank you all for your insights,

I believe that 50% of the reason why I stayed with her was simply due to the fact that she "prepped" me up to believe that any major bump in her life would have severe cataclysmic reprecussions. Often when she would start an arguement, she would, after we 'patched' things up, say you know I almost got into 10 car accidents driving home because I was so upset and the tears in my eyes prevented me from seeing the road and after all that happened to me Iamdizzy, I just can't anymore. Or I'd get a simple "you know my history, you know how i feel, You know I'm on the edge, don't push me". Things like that scared me. I wanted to leave, RUN away. I figured it's better to deal with her ___ but she's ALIVE than to deal with the guilt that I was the 'sole' reason she harmed herself and obviously get the blame for it. I felt trapped 100%.

I also had my issues at the time but I knew rather quickly I needed to get out.

[Calm Waters]

tricky, if it helps you, i have tried various techniques:

mindfullness meditation

a lot of reading on the subject of BPD

writing my thoughts and feelings

a self help group

talking to understanding friends

Valarium based sleep remedies

st johns wort

therapy

they have all contributed to me partial recovery a year on all the best

[Tricky]

Calm Waters, thankyou for your concern and kind advice.

The bpdfamily has really helped, I've read a lot here that has kept me going in the dark nights and eased my guilt-filled pain. And I'm now an expert in BPD behaviour! And have had many insights into myself - something positive.

I've got a long way to go.

[Lucky Jim]

Sorry to hear what you have been through, Calm Waters and Tricky.  I appreciate that you shared the nightmares you experienced.  Reading your posts makes me grateful that my BPDxW never carried out any of her threats, yet also confirms that pwBPD sometimes go through with it, which was the fear nagging at the back of my mind every time my Ex made another suicide threat.  99% of it was drama, yet that last 1% was really stressful and could get to me.  Having witnessed her turbulent emotions first hand, I knew she was capable of it, which was frightening.  Lucky Jim

[BorderlineMagnet]

My first BPDexgf used threats of suicide quite a bit. Once she found out that my father had committed suicide when I was in high school she used that as a button to push whenever she felt like I was getting to fed up with her bull___. I finally just had to let go and realize that people who REALLY want to kill themselves don't engage in all the spectacle she did. They kind of just do it.