It sent it to her

[PhoenixRising15]

I did the worst thing I possibly could have done.

I for whatever reason was browsing through old emails.  I was certain I had deleted all of them from my ex, but I found ONE from her.

It was a long chain of love letters.

I hit send, intending to send it to myself so that I could read it in full.  It was nice to remember we loved each other at one point, or exchanged loving words.

It sent to her.

I'm freaking out.

I immediately sent her another email with no body just saying sorry.  accident.  please delete last email.  will leave you alone now.

I'm having a panic attack.

Already medicated for it.   Still going bad.

Shaking all over.

This is not going to end well.

I don't know what to do.

Its 3 AM her time.

[PhoenixRising15]

I know looking at what I wrote that must have looked like a cry for help.  Or like I wanted her attention.

It was an accident.  Sent from my iphone.  Thought the address bar was going to pop up.  So dumb.

[HazelJade]

I know how you are feeling. I had the same sort of accidents, like looking at both his and my replacement's profile while logged in, so that they could see I had looked at them. I felt like I was sinking in a black hole of shame, but you know what? Both time that it happened, after that, I felt liberated. So... .she will know that you are still thinking of her.So what? Isn't that the truth?

I know how hard it is to get it right now, but the truth is the only thing that will set you free; truth about the reality of your relationship, truth about your lingering feelings, truth about your pain... .this is just part of the truth, take it like that. You didn't do anything harmful to her, you have just been human.

When we'll be old, at the end of our lives, the times that we've been true will be the times we'll remember. This is what I think.

Don't do anything else now; don't apologize further. Accept your feelings, and your self, as a human being who deeply loved another.

How she will react is not so important after all.

[Numbers]

Hey, don't beat yourself up! I know you probably think you disgraced yourself in some way. Trust me, you didn't.

I was in pretty similar situation a few weeks ago (accidental FB friend request to someone from her enabling circle). And I got so wound up it was ridiculous. So I know what you are feeling right now.

What helped me was to take a loong breath and honestly say to myself: "So what".

We got conditioned to attribute too much meaning/importance to anything related to our exes. But truth is, mistakes happen, and what happened to you is in all reality such a minuscule mistake that it does not deserve second mention. If she thinks more of it, well, her problem.

###

Edited after reading Hazel's reply, as I concur. I was obsessed about what I'd say if she confronts me. Finally, what liberated me was when I decided that i will just say the truth - "Well, I was stalking you, guess you would not believe anything else anyway". Owning my feelings and actions then actually felt really good. To still have feelings and moments of weakness is NORMAL. I need to keep reminding myself of that. I'd recommend the same to you with all my heart.

[PhoenixRising15]

Thank you.  Thank you both.

It was truly truly an accident.  I'll tell her the truth if she decides to reply, if i decide to reply that is.  I can set boundaries.

I was looking through some old emails, your name popped up, and it was nice to remember how loving we were to each other at some point.  I went to send it to myself to read on the computer, and i hit the wrong button on my iphone.

I do need to be easier on myself.  It was an accident.

The worst thing she can send back is some venom about how shes much better off without me and hited a bunch of guys to make herself feel better. No real surprise there.  Just not an email I'd like to read.

I was doing so good closing that chapter in my life.  Really making me feel like I was moving on, and I was freaking out that I ripped that wide open.  I kept saying I must have done it on purpose or something, but it was an accident.  And I'm moved.  No one knows where I live.  I'm in a big city now.  And her phone nmber is blocked.

Everything is going to be okay. 

Thank you for talking me down.

[heartandwhole]

QF, this was an innocent mistake, and nothing at all to apologize for or feel guilty about.  You explained to her that it was an accident, and it's done.

If possible, it might be best *not* to read the reply, if one comes. 

[Lucky Jim]

Agree w/481: so what?  You haven't done anything terrible.  Forgive yourself and move on.  We all make mistakes, so don't beat yourself up.  Whether it elicits a response is immaterial, in my view.

Lucky Jim

[Slowlybutsurely]

Even though it feels earth shattering, it's no big deal. It was an honest mistake, an email sent. Big whoop. I have done something similar as I would imagine we all have, in this age of digital technology. Happens every day.

Like others have said, just breathe and say so what? Whatever. And if she responds, delete or don't respond at all. Don't get sucked back in. You are doing fine. And while you are at it, maybe delete the email string. No contact is the best thing ever.

You will get through this. Be nice to yourself.     

[redkong]

I agree with others about forgiving yourself, breathing, relaxing.  However, I can understand why you might be reacting so strongly.  Throughout your relationship, you probably got used to expecting strongly positive or negative reactions from her (unpredictable and out of scope).  Part of your reaction now comes from bracing for unpredictable behaviors from her in the past.  She still might respond strongly.  Just talk yourself thru how this was an error, one anyone could make, and forgivable.  Give yourself the calm response you probably can't expect from her.  Treat yourself with kindness.

[Turkish]

QF, this was an innocent mistake, and nothing at all to apologize for or feel guilty about.  You explained to her that it was an accident, and it's done.

If possible, it might be best *not* to read the reply, if one comes. 

I agree. Since many of them do these things intentionally to us, then... .what's done is done. You didn't do it to hurt.

[HazelJade]

Everything is going to be okay. 

Thank you for talking me down.

You are very welcome. I had read some other of your posts before this and you sound a truly wonderful person. Really. All this is to say... .I'm sure she knows it. Some qualities of the soul don't go unnoticed.

Whatever happens, know that people see this in you.

with blessings

[PhoenixRising15]

Thank you all for your compassion and support.

I went to my men's group tonight for further support around this issue.

Everyone seems to be saying the same thing, "So what?"

I have since deleted the email chain and double checked.  everything is gone.  I don't know how this one slipped through the cracks.

It is that I expected a big reaction.  Whether or not I get one, it doesn't matter.  I don't have to react or fear it.  She can't hurt me any more.  We're not dating.  They're just words.

Hazel, thank you for your kind words.  They brought me to tears.  People have been telling me this for a while. moreso recently, and for some reason, I just can't see it right now.  I'm completely blind to it.

Reading those words inspired me to believe that perhaps I am not the ugly, controlling monster that she had me believe I am.  Reading that email chain reminds me that I am not that person ever.  It was from days before the first time she admitted to cheating on me, and even after months of abuse, neglect, and mistreatment, I was still strong, loyal, loving, committed, compassionate, trustworthy, and honest.

I had painted myself black from her opinion of me and final abandonment.

I've got to stop the cycle.  Thank you all.  Thank you.