BPD apologies

[larmieq]

I read this in Anmarelan's post from Sitara:

"PwBPD can not admit fault and expect other people to fix their problems for them."

And it got me thinking, I have always struggled with my uBPD mom's apologies.  They are vague, leaving me with the feeling she does not really know what she is apologizing for, only that she thinks it might change things, or get me to apologize so she can shift the blame.  Often she gives the response "I am sorry for my part". 

Recently after almost a whole year of NC she sent me "I am sorry for being such  a horrible person".  This after she disowned me for not thanking her enough and "immediately" for her last Christmas gift.  I thanked her 5 days after I received part two after also thanking her for receiving part one.  Then she did not let me know my brother was in ICU for 10 days even after he asked her to. 

I had never thought that maybe she could not accept fault and wanted me to fix things.  This seems like an even bigger mind field than I ever imagined.

Hoping others will share their BPD apology stories, and maybe we can gain some insight on how to work with their apologies without having to accept their blame and fix their world.

[SeekingHealing]

My dad's apologies also are not specific enough.  He gets very emotional, like desperate, whenever he thinks my mom is leaving him and I think sometimes he has only apologized to me and my brother to appease us and get my mom back.  He doesnt seem to understand everything that he has done.  He used to always accuse us of making excuses and not taking responsibility and apparently he was projecting.

[Contradancer]

My mother is incapable of apologizing to anyone.  It's been a struggle for me to learn to accept apologies from anyone as somehow I don't deserve them.  I also frequently have felt that apologies to me are totally false-- I can't trust them and they're self-serving.

On the other hand, I was taught that I should apologize for all my infractions, including taking attention away from my mother. It's taken me time and effort to build my self-esteem so that I don't do that.

SeekingHealing is right about making excuses and projecting. That's my mother in a nutshell.

[OV-105]

Very slightly off topic, but my BPD-SO can never bring herself to apologize, unless it's for the most egregious offense - and that happened maybe twice in nine months. Indeed, when she decided to break things off romantically, she wasn't sad or compassionate - she was angry, as if our relationship had been exclusively my idea (and I can assure you it was mutual; I still have the emails!)  Any attempt I made to discuss it like rational adults ended badly - usually with her getting angry, then being perfectly calm within an our or a day - albeit without any meaningful discussion.  And I get blamed for all sorts of things that have nothing whatsoever to do with me.

Truly, I thought I was losing my mind.  Since I've discovered this board and have read through "Borderline Personality Disorder for Dummies" several times, I realize that it wasn't me... .I just had the "misfortune" of falling for someone with at least a good dose of BPD, probably some NPD as well.  It is absolutely crazy-making. 

So hang in there... .you aren't crazy and you certainly aren't alone!

[Starrynite]

I have a  dBPD sister. So many years of 'I'm sorrys' with no real genuine meaning. We had a big blow out a year and a half ago that lead to her cutting me in and out a few times; eventually it escalated to death threats. It was then I decided to go NC and told her so. Three weeks later I got a big apology but I did not trust it-still don't.

I think she (and anyone with BPD) knows she's screwed up but essentially doesn't know how or why; even when we discuss the details of what happened her view of reality is completely skewed, hence, I can't trust the apology.

I'm so sorry you have to endure this with your Mother. Please take care of yourself. Yes she is unwell and she is an adult who needs to take responsiblity... .I only learned this in the last 9 months.

[Sitara]

Insert Quote

My mother is incapable of apologizing to anyone.  It's been a struggle for me to learn to accept apologies from anyone as somehow I don't deserve them.  I also frequently have felt that apologies to me are totally false-- I can't trust them and they're self-serving.

On the other hand, I was taught that I should apologize for all my infractions, including taking attention away from my mother. It's taken me time and effort to build my self-esteem so that I don't do that.

I don't think I could have said this any better myself.  This is exactly how I feel.

During a fight I apologized for something I didn't say in hopes she would reciprocate and apologize for something she insisted she didn't do but actually did.  After my apology, she just said, "Ok," and glared at me in silence.  Huge mistake.

Most of her so-called apologies go something like this: "I'm sorry you couldn't take a joke."  They don't admit any fault while throwing the blame for something she did on me.  I'm too sensitive, or I was mistaken.

The closest I ever came to believing she felt bad about something she did was this: growing up she relentlessly poked fun of my appearance, so as a result I have fairly low confidence in that area.  When I told her about how bad it made me feel she said through tears, "You know you're beautiful."  I believe she felt bad, I believe she regretted saying those things, but ultimately she did not admit she had done anything wrong, and did not apologize for saying it - she just thought that she could make up for years of insults with one compliment.

Sometimes it helps to realize her world must be so miserable and she does have a mental illness, but at the same time it makes it nearly impossible to have a real relationship with someone who thinks it's okay to say things she doesn't really mean because she is mad and I'm just supposed to somehow know and accept that she doesn't mean it.

[BlueCat]

My mother also apologizes in really vague ways. If you bring up an actual incident she will always tell you why it wasn't her fault. But she is willing to give really vague apologies such as being sorry for not being a great mother (she will deny or explain away every single specific incident I ever try to talk about of course).

Some BPD people don't even apologize that much from what I've read/heard.

I don't require an apology from her. I require a change in her behavior. Honestly, if she got help and just stopped to continue hurting me and my kids I would welcome her back in my life. I don't need an apology. But she can't change if she won't even admit she's doing something. So, ironically, the reason she can't apologize is also the reason she can't stop doing what she's doing.

It sucks, but it is what it is.

[Tincup]

My exBPDgf would always apologize by saying "I am sorry that you don't... .".  I never once heard an apology actually from her that related to her.

[Botswana Agate]

SO MUCH WORD to this!

My uBPD mother has perfected this.  Her last fauxpology was a letter to me and my siblings excusing why she sent her death-threat e-mail (she'd sent a frantic e-mail to us saying our dad was going to kill her).  It was almost laughable.  She took absolutely no responsibility for her actions; one of her sentences was "if what your father tells me is true. . . ", telling us that she somehow "doesn't remember" what she did.  Then there was another cryptic paragraph about how she'd kept "painful secrets for 47 years to spare us all pain", as if these "painful secrets" somehow excused her behaviour.  As to these nebulous "secrets", we have no idea and frankly, we don't give a damn.  Her whole fauxpology was just a bait to lure us all in again.

A very specific time, I went over to her house right after I'd come from the beauty shop.  I was still dressed up from work, and though my hair was still wet, I felt really great about how I looked.  I can't remember what exactly she said--blocked it out, probably--but the comments she made about my appearance made me leave crying and feeling like a total zero.  When I decided I needed to "woman up" and confront her about it, I called her and told her how she made me feel.  Her reply?  A disgusted sigh with the words, "Get over it!".

Throughout the years, she's also pulled the "I'm sorry you don't... ." and "It's too bad you... ."  I remember hearing those a lot, and often they were written in cards or letters that further served to rip my guts out.  She was a pro at verbal manipulation, especially in letter writing.  God have mercy, I hated her letters.  In fact, she just recently tried to pull the card-writing trick with me and my siblings again just a week ago, when she sent us all a Christmas card with a flat-out lie in it.  But of course, if you were to confront her about the lie, she "wouldn't remember" it or would re-write history and gaslight you to save her face.

[redroom]

I don't know if my mom can even conceptualize that she may do something wrong.  Her "apologies" aren't "I'm sorry that I... .", but "I'm sorry that hit_ happened... ."

Never: 

I'm sorry I lost my temper

I'm sorry I said that

I'm sorry I let this happen

Always:

I'm sorry that you made me lose my temper

I'm sorry that we got into a fight

If it makes you feel any better, you can just blame me for everything

This was in the past; you need to move on

There's nothing you can do about it now

If you want, I'll apologize, but I'm not the one who did anything wrong

In many ways, she's like a 4 year old.  I don't know if she realizes that she's made mistakes, and is too ashamed to face them, or if she really believes that she did nothing wrong. 

I, like a few of you have mentioned, apologize for anything and everything.  I'm not saying that I'm a shining beacon of maturity, but I internalize everything.  If two people get into an arguement, even two complete strangers, I start to panic and feel that it's my fault, or that I need to defuse it by turning the anger towards me.  I always fantasize about rescuing people.  Thankfully, I'm able to avoid intimate relationships like that, but I always get that feeling that it's my fault that something bad is happening. 

[BlueCat]

If it makes you feel any better, you can just blame me for everything

Martyr 101. My mother does this one too 

This was in the past; you need to move on

This one, however, is my mother's number 1 song. She will vaguely apologize for something but then talk about how we should move on, let it go, how I'm the problem for living in the past (or whatever). Once, I confronted her about her behavior the *week before* and she told me it was in the past and I needed to let go.

It's actually kind of funny when I think about it. I mean, not funny at the time, but I sometimes think that if I removed the physical abuse and tweaked a few things, my mother could make a hilarious character in a movie. The kind everyone loves to hate.

Rambling there.

It's great to have people who get you, isn't it?   

[charred]

I don't recall my mom ever apologizing for anything... .and I am on these boards from my exBPDgf... .but you guys have me wondering how disordered my mom is.

My exBPDgf's apologys were few and very insincere.

[Sitara]

In many ways, she's like a 4 year old.  I don't know if she realizes that she's made mistakes, and is too ashamed to face them, or if she really believes that she did nothing wrong.

Currently having a 4 year old, I truly believe this is the emotional stage my mom is stuck at.  They have very similar behaviors.

This was in the past; you need to move on

I just wanted to say this was also a common theme with us.  I think it was because she couldn't move on herself and was trying to make me do it for her coupled with not being able to face the guilt she felt from "screwing up."

[Human]

My uBPDm will apologize to anything and anyone, sometimes even to inanimate objects like cars or mailboxes, out of sheer habit. She is a waif/hermit, so she pretty much cringes and grovels around everybody except me.

Like others here said, it's like a lack of insight into what is right/wrong, like the 4 year old redroom mentioned. I imagine it's easier for her just to assume she is always doing something wrong and to apologize, than to manage normal social interactions with confidence and have the insight only to apologize when she's actually done something wrong.

However, she cannot apologize to me. Ever. She is so insecure about herself that I think to apologize to me would be admitting she did something wrong. She lacks the strength and security in herself to think, "I did something wrong, even though I am still an ok person. I can and should apologize to my daughter."

When she did questionable or even really painful things to me, she'd say:

"I'm sorry that you feel that way."

"I'm sorry but I'm just doing my job as a mother."

"I'm sorry but I'm your mother, not your friend."

"It wasn't so bad."

"I never did/said that."

"Oh yeah? You're worse." (insert here a list proving how I'm worse)

And yet, I would occasionally get abject, anguished apologies for total non-issues. So out of place that it seemed sarcastic.

I remember one time when enDad did something really unfair to me, my uBPDm actually pointed it out to him and suggested he apologize to me. I was maybe 8 or 9 years old. Despite the fact that he had actually done something wrong, he found it enraging (!) the idea of apologizing to one's young kid. I mean, how dare he, a grown man, a father, have to *apologize* to me? He wheeled around, dropped to his knees in front of me, red in the face with rage, and genuflected over and over, slapping the floor and coming up each time to hiss and sneer through gritted teeth, "I'm sorry, <Human>! I'm sorry, <Human>!" ... .rinse and repeat. I was shocked and terrified.

Lovely memory.

[shellsh0cked]

Mine apologized to me a couple of times when she first started raging on me... .said she didn't understand why she did it.  Cried on my shoulder... .really upset and scared because she didn't understand her behavior... .Cause she said she knew I would never hurt her.  Well... .my theory?  She's really got this weird coping mechanism where she has to I guess kind of create scenarios to make her not feel like she's crazy... .and by that I mean by unsubstantiated suspicions she had of me cheating with her friends, looking at her mother... .crazy stuff.  So after she started doing that she had grounds to rage on me... .because I was the horrible freaking person that looked at every woman that had two legs... .young old... whatever.  Or so she could go off on me because I had to go home and feed my animals, or do my laundry etc... .That gave her the validation she needed to tell herself it was okay to rage on me because she was in the right... .really twisted.

[Botswana Agate]

  I always fantasize about rescuing people.   

OH MY GOSH, SO DO I.  I wondered where this was coming from!  THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SAYING THIS.  Now I know I'm not crazy for doing it.  This might be worth fleshing out in a workshop.  Sitara or anyone, is there a link or something discussing this phenomenon further?

[shellsh0cked]

  I always fantasize about rescuing people.   

OH MY GOSH, SO DO I.  I wondered where this was coming from!  THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SAYING THIS.  Now I know I'm not crazy for doing it.  This might be worth fleshing out in a workshop.  Sitara or anyone, is there a link or something discussing this phenomenon further?

Called co-dependence.  If you are not a co-dependent you will become one... .if you are one these "rescues" will kill you.  Ask me how I know this... .Borderlines feed on co-dependents like vampires, and we don't mind serving ourselves up in the process of "rescuing" someone... .someone that cannot be rescued. 

[Sitara]

Here's a link to the workshop about co-dependence. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111772.0

I also found a thread discussing the difference between co-dependent and caretaker that was pretty interesting.  About 5 posts down, musicfan42 posts a good list of the steps they took that were helpful for them. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=209959.0

I am very much a caretaker personality type and it's caused me to get involved in some very unhealthy relationships because I would put the needs of others before myself at all costs.  Being a caretaker doesn't have to be a bad thing though, as long as you can balance your needs with those of others.

Hope those links help.

[Botswana Agate]

Oh, Redroom, perhaps I misunderstood.  My rescue fantasies have always involved others--people on the news, made-up situations, dogs in shelters, prisoners, that kind of thing. . . NEVER my own family-of-origin, and certainly NEVER my uBPD mother.  Any rescue-type behaviour now towards my family-of-origin is strictly in prayer and taking them mentally to Holy Mass, that's all.  

Though before I started setting boundaries, yes, there must have been some co-dependent type behaviour on my part.  That will be hard to look at.   :'(

[Botswana Agate]

Okay, now that I think about it (after a brief read-through) I think I treaded the finer line of co-dependency, in that I always wanted to please my mother.  They (mom and dad) live on the street right behind us (me, husband, kids) so it was very easy for her to call for me to "come over and [insert whatever chore, even though she was more than able-bodied herself]".  I started building a spine after I had kids.

[Contradancer]

I love Botswana Agate' s word "fauxpology", and will be adding it to my vocabulary.

Sigh, my mother is not even capable of a fauxpology.

[BlueCat]

Currently having a 4 year old, I truly believe this is the emotional stage my mom is stuck at.  They have very similar behaviors.

That's something I've thought about a lot. When my daughter was younger, she was a bit of work  She's 15 now and the most well adjusted, lovely teen girl you ever met   But from 0 to around 8, she was "spirited" (ahem) and then slowly began to mellow out.

So many times my mother would make comments about her behavior. Eventually *I* noticed that my mother, in her 50's at the time, had many of the same issues as my daughter. But my daughter was 3, 5, 7 (etc). She was a bit more spirited than the average kid, true, but she was still a young child. It's normal and expected for a child to act like a child. But when an adult acts like a child, that's a problem.

So it's not so much the behavior on it's own that's the problem, it's the context. A 2 year old throwing a screaming tantrum is not a serious problem. A 7 year old acting selfish is not cause to get a therapist. And even with adults, we all have bad days where we don't act as we should. But an adult who shows a repeated pattern of this behavior over a long period of time  - that is not normal or healthy. That is a problem that should be addressed.

[redroom]

I love fauxpology! 

I fantasize about rescuing in the way that Botswana mentioned.  I'll dream about becoming a search and rescue diver, or a doctor, or a detective, and just experiencing that "yes, I've got you" momemt with someone.  I've never been in a relationship enough to determine whether I'm the codependent type... .  I'm so worried that I will be that I'm hypersensitive to red flags. 

[Botswana Agate]

WOW, redroom, I thought I was the only person on earth who did that.  Oh, to be finally understood!     I wouldn't be surprised if any of us is hypersensitive to boundaries, either.  My LMFT friend helped me figure this out--I'm ALL about boundaries, whether with my nuclear family, people at work, strangers in the checkout aisle.

[Alastor]

I just had to look in here because I thought "BPD apologies" was some kind of oxymoron, like "jumbo shrimp" or "hot snow" 

Actually I've had BPDmom pleading with me to come back home because she's soo sorry. Come to think of it, she never said what she was sorry for, just that she wanted me back home, so no, still no apologies.

[bright_future_mama]

Wow, wow, wow, wow... .

Gosh... . light bulbs are going off!  My mother never says she is sorry (and now that I think about it, neither does my sister).  It's always a fauxpology like "I'm sorry it got blown out of proportion" or "I'm sorry you feel that way" or "I'm sorry you think I'm such a terrible mother."  Her husband even told me recently she will NEVER apologize to anyone, not him, not us... . says she's not capable of it.  Like many of you said, if she does, it's more of desperate attempt to keep you, not really because she means it.  Ironically, she never remembers anything she did wrong over the years, but remembers in finite detail any wrongs every done to her.

[carmencita]

It's funny because my brother is actually inclined to excessive apology if anything. I am not sure if he is BPD or not, just currently exploring that. But yeah, if someone gets angry with him, he usually cries and self flagellates (metaphorically, occasionally actual self harm), weeping and wailing about how he is the worst person ever, no wonder everyone hates him etc etc. Part of me thinks this is part of the manipulation... . he fear of rejection means when someone is even a bit displeased with him, he can't cope, and responds as such, and it is like he is seeking for them to end up reassuring HIM, and comfort him that they aren't cross and it wasn't that bad what he did etc. Often works too, anything to get him to calm down! But when it comes to taking genuine responsibility for things, hmm not so much.

[Katou]

DING DING DING

[Katou]

DING DING DING

OOPS, not sure what happened, but I too had to look over these posts as in my experience and what I've been saying for YEARS is that these people A. Do not apologize for ANYTHING  B. are not capable as it would seem like an admission or responsiblity for their crap behaviour... . so those of you who have received ANYTHING are actually somewhat lucky! (sort of)

Wow... . I have pent up anger! didn't realize it till now!  my m-i-l would blow/slap etc... never ever apologize and worse yet, would deny it ever happened! no wonder I ended in a therapist's office!  denial is wicked cause it's like they are telling you, you are a liar and shaking your integrity (of which I pride myself)

[shellsh0cked]

When my xgf smashed my car up and went to jail, there was video of the incident on my dvr... . she denied to her sister and brother-in-law that she pointed her fingers in the cop's face, that she had alcohol in her hands, that the cops were out to get her (clearly giving her every chance to leave).  Video tells the truth of what happened.  Amazing because I think she REALLY believed her own version of what happened that night.  Quite twisted.