Dealing with Inconsistency

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi everyone,

I think we, as parents of borderline kids, are especially prone to being inconsistent.  It's hard, we're tired, we're emotionally drained and we're sick of fighting battles.  I think it's easier sometimes to just not enforce whatever guidelines we've set.

Does anyone else feel they have problems with inconsistency?  How have you reset your expectations?  Would you like to post on a problem you are having and get some suggestions?

Here's mine:

My daughter(16) has been begging for a smart phone.  We haven't gotten one in the past for a couple of reasons.  We didn't think she would be responsible with the data limit and we didn't want her to have the freedom of posting on the internet without strict monitoring.  We have software (Spectorpro I highly recommend it if you are looking for monitoring/blocking software) that records everything done on our computers and allows us to block sites/messaging programs.  

Early last month we got our daughter a smart phone as an early Christmas present.  We specified, and she agreed, that we would randomly take her phone and see what was on it.  Well, we didn't.  I could list a million excuses, mostly covered in the first paragraph, but I failed to follow through on what I said.

A couple nights ago we were in the car and she was telling me about her friend on the internet.   for me.  We talked about why she should only be contacting real life friends and then I mentioned how I was supposed to be checking her phone and that I would like to see the phone.  She flipped out!  I know she is hiding something when she flips out like that.

After we got home I spoke to my husband and we called dd down to talk.  I apologized for failing to follow through on checking her phone, told her to clean up whatever she didn't want me to see and keep it off the phone and that starting Thursday (today) I would be checking her phone on a regular basis.  

She was MAD!  She went upstairs and posted on facebook "screw it... 3rd time's a charm".  She has had two prior suicide attempts.  We called her downstairs, talked about what was going on with her and evaluated whether or not to take her to the hospital.  We decided not to but talked about the seriousness of that threat, how it made us feel and how it could lead to her being in the hospital when she didn't need or want that level of care.  I only slept an hour that night out of worry for her.

All of this could have been avoided had we just been consistent with checking her phone from day one.   We need to make sure we set those expectations and follow through on them.  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Sdmfoster]

Oh goodness. I am so sorry you're dealing with this.  We foster and recently welcomed a child into our home who has some issues. Not sure if BPD is one of them - we're all just getting to know each other still. However, we also had some suicide drama last night and I really feel for you. Cell phones / social media can certainly intensify dramas. I fully understand how hard being completely consistent can be, and we're working with it too. Good luck to each other. 

[crazedncrazymom]

Sdmfoster,



Thanks so much for your message.  I hope you'll post on our newbie board and tell your story!  I'll be looking forward to reading it.

-crazed

[raytamtay3]

Jumping up raising hand! Heck yes I've been inconsistent. And it is 100% because of her disorder. I'm very consistent with my son because he doesn't have a disorder.

As you may recall, I wrote out a listing, which I read, of boundaries for my DD the day she came home from the BHC. One being that if she was out past township curfew, the police would be called. Well because I'm now gun shy in dealing with the police, coupled with her two arrests, I haven't followed through. I've changed it to, I will not be driving you to or picking you up from your friends house the day after this occurs. Which I've followed through on and which has been almost every single day.

[crazedncrazymom]

I don't blame you for not calling the police.  Now we all know we'll be responsible for hiring a lawyer for our wayward children.  I think it would be wise to only get the police involved for truly serious matters.  It's really smart of you to rethink your situation and find something you can enforce.   

[angeldust1]

Yes,  I truly believe in consistency,  but like all of us,  we weaken.  Out of love for our child,  just plain tired of the fighting and badgering, but most of all because we truly want to believe our child will not do what we ask them not to.

You are right about one thing,  when they freak out that's a sure sign of something she is hiding.  I think it was quite kind of you to tell her to clean up what she didn't want you to see.  You could have just taken the phone and found out for yourself.  Give yourself credit for allowing her that courtesy,  you didn't have to.

Hope you have a good Christmas  

If she's mad she'll just have to get over it.  Most of the time when people threaten suicide they do not follow through,   I believe it is a cry for help,  or just for attention.  She knew you would see it and it worked!

[Gidget]

Dear Crazedncrazymom,

I was totally inconsistent with my daughter as she was growing up. I do believe it was my fear of her anger her distortions of the truth.

I totally her once that she couldn't go out at 10pm at the age of 16 she slammed the door for 3hours screaming why can't I go. That night I did stick to my guns and not let her go. I finally had to leave the house to get away from it at and to get her to stop. I started to find it easy to let her do the things she wanted with in reason for her safety then deal with her anger.

I will tell you this though. She was a good kid who never got in trouble did great in school. The anger though when she couldn't get her way was brutal.

Her excuse for doing things though behind my back was always WOULD YOU HAVE LET ME GO I always looked at things logically about the things she wanted to do. My response was YOU SHOULD HAVE ASKED TO SEE WHAT I WOULD HAVE SAID.

She as an adult now states one day I was an OVERPROTECTIVE MOTHER then another day in her BPD mode I NEVER CARED. Crazy doesn't make sense except now maybe she sees the giving in to her all the time in her reality was someone who didn't care.

I told her I never abused her which I didn't I told her ' I CODDELED YOU' She screamed at me THEN THAT IS YOUR FAULT. Guess she couldn't admit her lies to me that she told all her lies about me to people.

I really believed the inconsistency caused a lot of problems I just didn't know at the time what I was dealing with, with her emotional outburst

[crazedncrazymom]

Hi Angeldust1,

I really put a lot of thought into whether or not to demand the phone.  In the past I would have taken it in a heartbeat.  I would have chased her all over the house and wrestled for that phone because it was just so important for me to see what she was hiding.  However, given our past history I know she would have become so dysregulated that we probably would have had to call the police and have her taken to the hospital.  That phone would also become a symbol for battle and the scenario would be repeated over and over.  She would never hand her phone over willingly.  I have been working really hard to rebuild our relationship based on mutual love and respect.  I would have lost a lot of ground by forcing her to give me the phone.  I'm sure there was something bad on the phone but it wouldn't be worth risking our relationship over.  She did clean it up and gave it to me last night when I asked for it.  As long as I follow through and stay consistent, her phone will be used in the proper way.

Angeldust, our relationship with our kids is so hard.  They get dysregulated and overwhelmed so easily.  Their thoughts are distorted and they can lack empathy.  They don't see themselves as being wrong.  They react because you are wrong. As a parent you have to work twice as hard to meet them where they are and build them up.  You have to give a lot and show them by example how you want them to act.

Suicide should be taken seriously every single time.  It is never something to be taken lightly.  I know she uses her suicidal ideation for attention seeking at times.  I've seen it play out.  I've also seen her in a coma because of an overdose.  I'll give her the attention she is seeking and hopefully in time she will find more positive ways to get attention.

I posted my story from a time everything was so bad and I had no hope for her ever having a happy life until now.  If you get a chance please check it out. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=215508.0

-crazed

[crazedncrazymom]

I totally her once that she couldn't go out at 10pm at the age of 16 she slammed the door for 3hours screaming why can't I go. That night I did stick to my guns and not let her go. I finally had to leave the house to get away from it at and to get her to stop. I started to find it easy to let her do the things she wanted with in reason for her safety then deal with her anger.

I will tell you this though. She was a good kid who never got in trouble did great in school. The anger though when she couldn't get her way was brutal.

Her excuse for doing things though behind my back was always WOULD YOU HAVE LET ME GO I always looked at things logically about the things she wanted to do. My response was YOU SHOULD HAVE ASKED TO SEE WHAT I WOULD HAVE SAID.

She as an adult now states one day I was an OVERPROTECTIVE MOTHER then another day in her BPD mode I NEVER CARED. Crazy doesn't make sense except now maybe she sees the giving in to her all the time in her reality was someone who didn't care.

I told her I never abused her which I didn't I told her ' I CODDELED YOU' She screamed at me THEN THAT IS YOUR FAULT. Guess she couldn't admit her lies to me that she told all her lies about me to people.

I really believed the inconsistency caused a lot of problems I just didn't know at the time what I was dealing with, with her emotional outburst

Hey Gidget,

I could have written that.  I can't tell you how many times we had that "well you would have said no so I did it anyway" conversation.  Wow, what a crazy making time!  You just can't win.  It's really hard to see it when you are right in the middle though.  You just have to know you did the best you could.  We aren't born equipped to deal with these kinds of things.  It's something you have to learn and practice practice practice.  What script could you come up with to use when she accuses you of being over protective or uncaring or abusive?  I'm wondering if you could say something like... .  "I know I made a lot of mistakes when you were younger.  I've always loved you and did the best I could.  I'm sorry if I ever hurt you." Sometimes we have to let go of "I'm right!" in order to help them become the best they can be.  We suffer too.  We're human and it really is hard to let go of the pain they've caused us and only focus on helping them.  I've seen it pay off though and I think it's worth it.

-crazed

[Gidget]

Dear crazed,

I did after this finally blow out on me when we actually truly stopped talking for quite awhile. I did go over to her house and tried to speak that was before I found this board. Oh boy I wished I had found this board first. I realize how I said things made it worse from how she is able to comprehend them.

I tried the rational way and it didn't work she became enraged. But when I said I am so sorry I hurt you I never meant to she started screaming IT IS NOT SINCERE. I couldn't understand I was someone who never heard those words from my Mother yet I lived my life apologizing all the time

I GOT DOWN ON MY HANDS AND KNEES IN FRONT OF HER AND SAID I AM SO SORRY FOR ALL YOU BELIEVE I DID TO YOU I NEVER MEANT TO HURT YOU I WOULD GIVE MY LIFE FOR YOU IF IT MEANT YOU LIVED BUT I CAN'T ALLOW YOU TO KILL ME THIS IS KILLING ME. I thought I had a stroke after her last attack

What I saw was someone who literally sighed with such a release of emotion that at that point I truly believed in my heart it was serious condition. I truly searched my soul for anything I said or did to hurt her. I didn't know what I was apologizing for until I found THIS BOARD AND UNDERSTOOD.

I heard about the emotional release from a wife on one of the video's here I watched when the husband explained what he felt after cutting himself THAT IS WHAT I WITNESSED THAT DAY IN MY DAUGHTER. She admitted for the first time to me she wanted to kill herself in high school. I watched very closely for signs of that I didn't see them. She kept her rage so deep until she exploded on me.

I wished I knew then what I learned on this Board today the Healing may have been quicker

[crazedncrazymom]

Oh Gidget,

Your post brought tears to my eyes!  You must be so proud of yourself for finding the path to healing your relationship.  It does feel so good to know what to say in order for everyone to keep their dignity in a bad situation.  I agree, too bad we didn't know earlier. 

I'm so sorry for all you've gone through in order to get to this point, but I'm sure happy you're here!

-crazed

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Gidget]

Thanks Crazed,

For all the support here it is helped me a lot. I am finding more peace and confidence in myself and true understanding how she see things. I can't believe my anger is going away and empathy  coming back.

I realized the baby steps she took to talk again was all she had to give. I couldn't see it then to me I believed she needed to speak like an adult. I realize now she is an adult but still an emotional child. I do see a change in her since I backed up. Yesterday at my grandson's concert when she offered to wait if I was late was her attempt to make contact even though 2 months ago she told me never to contact her. It is all making sense to me know.

I told her something I felt and she got angry should have told her the way they explain on the board didn't now it then she told me not to contact her out of anger I stepped back and she reached out.

I feel more positive then ever. Her Step Dad still pretty angry but at least I am getting him to watch the video's here and I think it is helping

THANKS SO MUCH FOR LISTENING AND GOD BLESS

Hope things continue to get better for you to

[js friend]

Her excuse for doing things though behind my back was always WOULD YOU HAVE LET ME GO I always looked at things logically about the things she wanted to do. My response was YOU SHOULD HAVE ASKED TO SEE WHAT I WOULD HAVE SAID.

She as an adult now states one day I was an OVERPROTECTIVE MOTHER then another day in her BPD mode I NEVER CARED. Crazy doesn't make sense except now maybe she sees the giving in to her all the time in her reality was someone who didn't care.

Oh My Gidget.


The wording of these conversations are the very same  I  had  with my dd many many times earlier in her teens!



I think my biggest inconsistency would have been opening the door to let dd in way past her curfew when i had previously said that i wanted her in at a certain time, but I couldnt just turn her away to wonder the streets.

often she would come home around... .1am... .the latest i remember was 2am... .way past the time i wanted her in... .btwn 14-17yo was absoultley the worse for this behaviour.

But of course she knew that  I was more worried about her welfare roaming the streets at night to send her back to wherever she was coming from  so i would open the door for her after i had locked up for the night.

And her sneaking around was terrible at the time. ... .Overtime at work turned out to be  a ruse to hang out at her friends house... .after school rehersals turned out  to meet up with  boy... .off to see a sick friend... .turned out to go to an all night party... .going to the park with her friends ... .turned into a sleepover at a new friends house without permission... .and so it went on and on. And every converstion we had was just like the one above!

Yet in good faith I believed her up until a point until i wised up, but I allowed her to go to these places... .school rehersals, overtime at work... .going to the park with her friends... .all innocent stuff teenagers should have been doing... .yet  later i discover that she turned these innocent activities  into something more devious, and then she turned it on me and says that she is forced to do the other stuff because i wouldnt have agreed to it... .yet she never once asked,!

Even her T was confused by dd's thinking. She couldnt just do what she wanted and for me to be fine with it, yet in dd's mind her reason was just that... .I wouldnt have let her do it ... .Even T asked her the same... .How would you know if you dont ask... .Dd... ."cos she never lets me do stuff" and round  and round we would go... .and to everyone who would listen dd would make out taht I was the dragon who wouldnt allow her out the house to do anything with her friends.

[Gidget]

js friend, I am finally starting to believe in myself again since on this board all the stories are so similar we all going thru varying degrees of the BPD behaviors here some far worst then others. What I went thru compared to others look like a walk in the park. Sometimes I feel I have no right to complain after reading others stories.

My daughters fits of rage on me over the years took a toll I think what was worst sometimes was the sweetness in front of people towards me but when we were alone it was what I would call a slow methodic alienation almost I do believe intentional. She blamed me for many things. I was accused of so many things that never happened and made to look like a horrible person to other people. Sometimes I don't know how I took it for so long before I finally broke. I guess I was just determined to be there for her no matter what she did. I raised her to tell the truth from the time she was little I told her " Know matter what happened always tell the truth nothing will ever be that bad" I lived a life of lies from her.

When she turned 14years all went to hell it really got worse. It was also a bad time I had gotten very ill my husband at the time was still my boyfriend he ended moving in to take care of me and her. I was in and out of the hospital every 4weeks. It became hell. I realize now how deep her abandonment issues were. She voiced I didn't think you needed me I feared he would take you away from me. I knew she had abandonment issues because of her father leaving her but I didn't think she feared I would do the same. I couldn't see back then how serious her issues were always trying to figure out is this normal behavior for a kid, manipulation didn't see the deeper issue.

I think so much happened because she assumed so much never was able to speak her feelings when I did try to talk it was always a face made by her like right I believe you I couldn't understand I kept doing and doing to try and get her to see I loved her. "LACK OF COMMUNICATING IT OUT OF FEAR' that it would just entice a bigger blow up.

I read an article here yesterday about getting sprayed in the face over and over again with water and why you would let someone do it to you. It made me look deeper into myself I guess what I saw was thru these inconsistency was I WANTED HER TO LOVE ME JUST AS MUCH AS SHE WANTED TO BE LOVED.

That article made me think really about SELF LOVE and what we allow to go on

Merry Christmas

[qcarolr]

Gidget and J's friend,

Reading your stories has really brought back for me these turbulent years with my DD27. I realize so much of my behavior in trying to control her life then stepping back because I just did not know what to do was all very FEAR driven. Fear for her safety and well-being. Fear for my safety and well-being.

When she was 17 there was one day a week when she was done with school early. I took her to lunch each week and sat and listened. When we drove in the car, and there was no eye contact and I had to focus on the road, she would talk and I would listen. Some very non-judgemental times. Then I would ponder all these things and get angry - fear being the primary emotion under the anger. So later I would take up my controlling behaviors with her, setting limits that made me feel more safe. Her response was also anger - fear driven; abandonement driven.

I realize now that these inconsistencies were so hard for her to manage. It was really about me trying to get DD to take care of my needs. I did not have much support in my life to find ways to take care of my own needs. Even though I was in therapy, the skills were not there for me to make this better. Well, I was just unable to take in what was being offered in therapy - this is a new truth for me.

Today, I am able to take care of myself without asking DD to meet my needs. It helps that she in not living in our home, and we are able to financially help her have a place to live other than homeless. I has been a gradual process of building a support network for myself plus many changes in the knowledge base about treating BPD from a non-judgmental love based place. Overcoming my fears. I have to make this a daily mindfulness practice to keep from falling into the old, inconsistent practices.

I am very lucky that my DD has always been persistent in reaching out to me when I am cutting her off for perceived and real self-protection needs. My own mental health issues are so triggered by DD's behaviors.

Sometimes I feel I have no right to complain after reading others stories.

Gidget - be kind with yourself. Each story here has as much value as the next. We all have a right to be heard and understood. The Universal Needs are valid for us all.

"The key to making validation a habit is to remember that every person you see has the universal need to believe inside themselves that: I AM OF WORTH, MY FEELINGS MATTER, AND SOMONE REALLY CARES ABOUT ME."

(I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better" Gary & Joy Lundberg, pg 14)

qcr  

[Bracken]

Hi,

The posts here touch the deepest wounds and secrets in my heart.

The only consistency in our life with D is that she almost always gets her way. At great sacrifice to me and my H.

Stupidly -  we STILL keep saying: "No more drama now!"  "No more crises now!" `Please be responsible now!`` And I still try guiding her into taking responsibility. Sometimes she has seemed to manage - for a month or two. But it has never lasted. There is always another crisis. Or degeneration. And underlying it, almost constant negativity and depression.

Like a lot of others here - my H and I are AFRAID to say ``No``. We have come too close to the edge, too many times.

Bless you all - Bracken

[starshine]

Maybe I wasn't as consistent as I needed to be.  My uexASPD/NPD/BPDh shared custody of our 2 kids.  High conflict and difficult.  d19 moved in with dad when she was 14.  Now, at 19, she comes home on leave from the military on 2 birthcontrols, multiple meds for depression and anxiety, eating disordered, and also a cutter.  Last week, while on leave at the boyfriend's (26yrs) house celebrating his birthday and holidays- they get wasted on liquor and while he's puking, she has found a razor blade in the junk drawer, and had cut herself so deeply that when they woke up hungover they have to go get her 6 stitches.  Yes, my kid was THAT GIRL at the party.  I am trying to process what has happened to my kid in the last year, that she has deteriorated to this level.  The kid that I sent to the military was a little off- she is in personality much more like her father.  I am not sure how to support her- she has spent most of her leave with her father and eating disordered stepmom- crazy is kind of normalized over there.  They allow her to drink with them.  So, tomorrow I will have 2 hours of quality time with her and the boyfriend as I drive them to the airport so they can go back to where they are stationed (not together).  

[peaceplease]

I can truly appreciate this thread.  I was just thinking the other day, how I have always been inconsistent.  I always gave in to her as a child, as she knew how to carry on.  I lived with my mother, and she said, oh let her have what she wants, she is driving me crazy! 

And, as an adult, I seem to give in to her at times, if I am overtired.

[qcarolr]

In some ways being inconsistent is a deeply embedded human trait. It is self-protective in the moment. This makes it really hard to retrain myself. I find another need is to be kind and forgiving of myself. This allows me to ponder what went wrong - awareness is the fist step to know I was inconsistent and that I have some remorse about this, Then I can ponder what my needs were that interfered with my skills to be mindful in that moment. Knowing what I wanted to do that I was unable to do. Was I tired? Was I distracted? Had there been a lot of drama and I was just plain worn down and feeling alone? Where was my support? How can I take a short time out next time to gather my wits, get calmer, ask for support... .  Saying 'I have to go to the bathroom and then going there to do these things - I like this suggestion. Sometimes it works. I have to be creative in the situation - if it is volatile getting some physical space is vital for me to calm myself and be able to think. Find those skills hidden by my distress.

I am still learning the 'be kind to myself' part. So hard, so hard, that first step.

qcr

[Bracken]

Dear qcarolr

Thank you for expressing it so honestly and well.

I hope all of us parents here are trying to move toward forgiving ourselves. Toward that freedom and peace. Not only will we feel better - but surely our kids will too. 

Take care -