changing therapists for S12

[livednlearned]

Teachers at S12's school contacted the guidance counselor -- they apparently thought that S12 was having trouble with friends. S12 told me about the guidance counselor visit, but didn't want to say what it was about.  

What I've been able to piece together: S12 came home from school and said someone stole his lunch, and his gym bag. He apparently felt bad about not having his lunch, so he took his glasses off, put his head down on the cafeteria table, and when he looked up, his glasses were gone. He can't see without them, but he said he put them right next to his head. I can't imagine someone stealing glasses -- but we checked everywhere and they seem to be gone.

Makes me think his peers are messing with him.

I emailed the guidance counselor to ask if she would speak to S12's counselor if I signed a release form allowing them to talk and she said yes. They are talking today. The guidance counselor did tell me that she noticed S12's hair was greasy, and that kids notice that kind of thing. I noticed it too -- he has a shower every morning, but by 3pm, his hair is slick and oily.    Apparently hormonal changes can cause this for a few years during puberty. One more way that middle school sucks.

S12's counselor is female, and he likes her. But she doesn't do CBT and I'm starting to think that might be better for him. Has anyone here had kids do CBT or DBT? I'm also beginning to think that it might be good for S12 to have a male counselor. He hasn't had a good male role model, and I can see S12 defaulting to victim mode so easily, and with the teen years ramping up, I want him to learn how to change the script.

Does anyone have experience with different kinds of therapy with their kids? I don't really know what S12 and his T talk about, but he does trust her and like her. And he is, overall, doing great.

LnL

[DreamGirl]

Middle school years are just AWFUL for teens.

My oldest son was the stinky kid (horrible Body Odor). He was teased relentlessly. I ended up buying the clinical grade of deodorant that costs $12 a stick. He kept one in his locker... .and a little thing of mouth wash. That helped. He also signed up for football. Then he ended up in a physical altercation at a dance - where my son tackled a kid who was making fun of him. He was suspended for two days, but the teasing stopped.   

My son's therapist was trained in DBT and CBT - abandonment issues with his biological father. I also don't know a whole lot of what they talked about. I think it was just someone he could talk to that wasn't his mom. 

Does he have a group of friends? Is there some sort of outlet he can join to work on building friendships? Team building of some sort? (I think I've asked you this before?)

[livednlearned]

Middle school years are just AWFUL for teens.

My oldest son was the stinky kid (horrible Body Odor). He was teased relentlessly. I ended up buying the clinical grade of deodorant that costs $12 a stick. He kept one in his locker... .and a little thing of mouth wash. That helped. He also signed up for football. Then he ended up in a physical altercation at a dance - where my son tackled a kid who was making fun of him. He was suspended for two days, but the teasing stopped.   

My son's therapist was trained in DBT and CBT - abandonment issues with his biological father. I also don't know a whole lot of what they talked about. I think it was just someone he could talk to that wasn't his mom. 

Does he have a group of friends? Is there some sort of outlet he can join to work on building friendships? Team building of some sort? (I think I've asked you this before?)

Yes, the stinky body thing is happening too. S12 has friends outside school, which is a blessing. Those friendships really anchor S12.

I can picture S12 tackling a kid too -- N/BPDx used to coach him to do that   and told him it was ok to hit girls. Gah.

Maybe it's best to just keep S12 with the same T -- they like and know each other. And not worry about whether it is DBT or CBT.

[scraps66]

My $.02 re: the therapist and having experience seeing many couple's therapists and trying to get my S9 to a therapist, I would say stay iwth what is working right now.  If he is doing "great" keep going, as the saying goes, "if it's not broken, don't break it."  There's nothing to say that you could change therapists, and find that the chosen one is not as good.  Embrace the "doing great" parts and don't overthink things.   

[livednlearned]

My $.02 re: the therapist and having experience seeing many couple's therapists and trying to get my S9 to a therapist, I would say stay iwth what is working right now.  If he is doing "great" keep going, as the saying goes, "if it's not broken, don't break it."  There's nothing to say that you could change therapists, and find that the chosen one is not as good.  Embrace the "doing great" parts and don't overthink things.  

Thanks scraps66. I guess by "he is doing great" I mean that he is doing great compared to 3 years ago. It's still rocky. His coping mechanisms aren't healthy, he's entering his teens... .it's really just me doing everything, and I'm stretched pretty thin trying to hold it all together.

And you're right about the next therapist potentially being a dud. I talked to my bf today, whose daughter went through some serious depression in 10th grade. She's on medication, and that made me revisit whether to medicate S12. I stopped the process when N/BPDx and I had joint legal because he and I could not get on the same page. It just got too hard and difficult, but now with full custody, I might look at it again. S12 is ADHD and I think that might be a big part of what's going on socially. He's a great kid, very intelligent, funny, but he can be... .impulsive and immature, more so than kids his age. He saw a psychiatrist 2 years ago who said she doesn't like to medicate kids for academic reasons, but when it starts to affect them socially, especially in middle school when they're forming their identities, she thought it was a good idea.

I guess I'm torn. I want him to develop skills, not take medication. And CBT is recommended for ADHD, and research findings say it's just as effective for treating ADHD but it takes longer for results to show.

And then part of me kinda denies the ADHD diagnosis, because deep down I believe it's rooted in anxiety from a disconnected, dysfunctional family.

Meaning, there is no right answer.

[Matt]

My $.02 re: the therapist and having experience seeing many couple's therapists and trying to get my S9 to a therapist, I would say stay iwth what is working right now.  If he is doing "great" keep going, as the saying goes, "if it's not broken, don't break it."  There's nothing to say that you could change therapists, and find that the chosen one is not as good.  Embrace the "doing great" parts and don't overthink things.   

That's what my gut tells me too.

If you can find one or two adult males for him to be around - or even young men who are older than your son and good examples - that might supplement what he learns from the counselor.  I do think that a strong, positive male role model is super-important to boys through high school or so... .

[livednlearned]

My $.02 re: the therapist and having experience seeing many couple's therapists and trying to get my S9 to a therapist, I would say stay iwth what is working right now.  If he is doing "great" keep going, as the saying goes, "if it's not broken, don't break it."  There's nothing to say that you could change therapists, and find that the chosen one is not as good.  Embrace the "doing great" parts and don't overthink things.   

That's what my gut tells me too.

If you can find one or two adult males for him to be around - or even young men who are older than your son and good examples - that might supplement what he learns from the counselor.  I do think that a strong, positive male role model is super-important to boys through high school or so... .

I agree. It eats me up about not having a positive role model. But how to find someone like this... .

[Waddams]

I agree. It eats me up about not having a positive role model. But how to find someone like this... .

Is there a local Boy Scout troop?  I'm an Eagle Scout and I have to say my experiences Scouting are probably had the single greatest positive impact on me (next to parents of course) when I was growing up.

As for the hair issue - is he open to a new haircut?  Airborne flattop would take care of it.  There are also shampoos for oily hair.

My SO's middle and youngest daughter also both stink to high heaven in the evenings now.  She's got them drinking some form of mild chloroform solution that's supposed to be an all natural/safe solution to BO.  On the days they actually use it, I do notice they aren't as aromatic.  She also has them using a deodorant that is more based on a salt stick.  It's expensive, but the stick lasts a long time.  The salt disassociates into chlorine and the chlorine disinfects the applied areas, leading to no bacteria, leading to no smell.  Seems to work okay and they don't smell like some kind of perfume covering up BO when they use it.

Of course, note the inclusion of "when they use it" above.  Getting them to actually care about personal hygiene seems to be a challenge!  They think it's funny when they stink and they go around trying to ambush each other by jumping out and sticking their armpits in each other's faces.

[livednlearned]

Of course, note the inclusion of "when they use it" above.  Getting them to actually care about personal hygiene seems to be a challenge!  They think it's funny when they stink and they go around trying to ambush each other by jumping out and sticking their armpits in each other's faces.

hahah -- imagine when it's an only child. He has no one to ambush but me.

Boys Scouts, Eagle Scouts. N/BPDx really poisoned S12's thinking about them way back when. One of my close male friends recommended that for S12 too, but he was already indoctrinated by N/BPDx at that point. Pedophiles, losing kids in the woods, gay bashers, etc. Unfortunately, S12 also had a frenemy who was in Boy Scouts, and that sealed it. No Boy Scouts.

I'm going to figure this out, just not sure how. There's a very geeky nerdy kid who lives in the neighborhood over. He's going to a special school for geeks, which is the trajectory my son seems to be aiming for. Minecraft, gaming, programming, Dr. Who, questionable hygiene, girls are weird, etc. I'm thinking about talking to the kids mom about the school, maybe see if there's some potential for male bonding over geekery I can tap them into.

I have a lot of business trips coming up next year, and since N/BPDx can't take S12, I may ask one of S12's former counselors (geeky after school program) to stay with him. He's college age, but maybe he can be enlisted to spend some quality guy time, not just when I need him, but to do stuff with S12.

I'm fairly certain I could solve everything if I just had enough money!

[Free One]

Thanks scraps66. I guess by "he is doing great" I mean that he is doing great compared to 3 years ago. It's still rocky. His coping mechanisms aren't healthy, he's entering his teens... .it's really just me doing everything, and I'm stretched pretty thin trying to hold it all together.

To me, even though he is doing better, it does not sound like he is doing great. Unhealthy coping skills are a problem. I think he is at the ideal age to start learning some healthy ones, and that it would benefit him greatly during the coming years, and with all the hormonal changes.

I think a conversation with his current counselor is in order about whether or not she can teach him coping skills. If she is unable to, than maybe she can recommend a colleague who is qualified. I do also agree with your thoughts about a male role model. Many schools have mentoring programs for just such a thing. Maybe yours does?

[livednlearned]

Thanks scraps66. I guess by "he is doing great" I mean that he is doing great compared to 3 years ago. It's still rocky. His coping mechanisms aren't healthy, he's entering his teens... .it's really just me doing everything, and I'm stretched pretty thin trying to hold it all together.

To me, even though he is doing better, it does not sound like he is doing great. Unhealthy coping skills are a problem. I think he is at the ideal age to start learning some healthy ones, and that it would benefit him greatly during the coming years, and with all the hormonal changes.

I think a conversation with his current counselor is in order about whether or not she can teach him coping skills. If she is unable to, than maybe she can recommend a colleague who is qualified. I do also agree with your thoughts about a male role model. Many schools have mentoring programs for just such a thing. Maybe yours does?

I don't know if there is a mentoring program, but I feel like my window of opportunity for having a say in this is slipping away. Today, S12 was saying he has bad luck, he has a terrible life, nothing good ever happens to him. I validated those feelings, but I had a big lump in my throat. I'm struggling with the holidays coming up, trying so hard to see what's good, so my response was pretty feeble. It's really just going to be the two of us.

But next year, I'm going to find someone older, a male, with similar interests to teach him some stuff on the computer. That's S12's  passion. Anything else, and he's going to catch on and resist. It's the age, it seems, to be negative about stuff that's new or different.

I also like your idea of talking to the counselor and asking her more directly about coping skills. It's a bit weird to realize this, but I don't think we ever discussed it. I was just relieved to find someone who he connected with.